CHAPTER I.

MR. NOUN.

[Illustration:

COMMON NOUNS BIRD HORSE CAT PROPER NOUNS VENUS ALICE BOB FIDO]

The first Part-of-Speech that was called was Mr. Noun. He is a stout big fellow, very well dressed, for he does not mind showing that he is very rich.

As Mr. Noun came forward, Serjeant Parsing rose, put his pen behind his ear, arranged his papers on the table before him, and looking at Mr. Noun through his eye-glass, asked: “What is your name?”

“Name,” answered Mr. Noun.

“Yes, your name?” repeated Serjeant Parsing.

“Name,” again answered Mr. Noun.

“Do not trifle, sir,” said the Judge, sternly; “what is your name? Answer at once, and truly.”

“I have answered truly,” replied Mr. Noun. “My name is _Name_, for _noun_ means _name_. The name of everything belongs to me, so I am called Mr. Name, or Mr. Noun, which means the same thing, and all my words are called _nouns_.”

“The name of _everything_ belongs to you?” asked Serjeant Parsing, in surprise.

“Yes,” answered Mr. Noun, “the name of everything.”

“What? Do you mean to say that the name of everything I can see round me now is one of your words, and is called a noun?”

“I do indeed,” said Mr. Noun. “The name of everything you can see, or touch, or taste, or smell, or hear, belongs to me.”

“What,” said Serjeant Parsing, “is this _desk_ yours then, and the _ink_ and the _pen_ and the _window_?”

“The _words_ that _name_ them are all mine,” said Mr. Noun. “Of course I have nothing to do with the _things_. No gentleman in Grammar-land has anything to do with _things_, only with words; and I assure you, you cannot _name_ anything that you can see, or touch, or taste, or smell, or hear, without using one of my words. _Desk_, _pen_, _ink_, _window_, _water_, _wine_, _fire_, _smoke_, _light_, _lightning_, _thunder_, a _taste_, a _smell_, a _noise_, all these words belong to me, and are called nouns.”

“I see,” said Serjeant Parsing; “you can _hear_ thunder, and _smell_ smoke, and _taste_ wine. And I suppose _dinner_ and _tea_ are yours also?”

“Certainly, the _words_ breakfast, dinner, and tea, are mine,” replied Mr. Noun. “The _things_ are what the people live upon in Schoolroom-shire, but they could not name what they eat without using my words. The servant would have to make signs to let people know that dinner was ready; she could not _say_ so unless I allowed her to use my noun _dinner_.”

“Well,” said Serjeant Parsing, “if you have the name of everything we can see, touch, taste, smell, or hear, all I can say is, I hope you are satisfied, and do not claim any more words besides.”

“Indeed,” replied Mr. Noun, drawing himself proudly up, “I have not mentioned nearly all my words. I told you at first that I have the name of _everything_, and there are plenty of things that you know about, although you cannot see, or touch, or taste, or smell, or hear them. For instance, _love_, or _anger_, or _happiness_. You can feel them in your heart, and know they are there, although you cannot touch them with your fingers, or taste them with your tongue, or find them out by any of your five senses.”

“Do you mean to say, then,” asked Serjeant Parsing, “that when a child feels naughty in its heart----?”

“Naughtiness is mine,” said Mr. Noun; “the _word_ naughtiness, for it is the _name_ of the something bad that the child feels.”

“And when it is kind?”

“Kindness is mine, because it is the _name_ of the something kind and nice it feels _there_. I have a good many more words that end in _ness_, and that are the names of things you can find out about, and talk about, though you cannot tell what shape or colour or smell or taste they have; like _cleverness_, _silliness_, _idleness_, _ugliness_, _quickness_.”

“I see,” said Serjeant Parsing. “You cannot tell what shape or colour cleverness is, but you can soon find out whether a boy has any of it by the way in which he does his lessons.”

“Yes,” said Mr. Noun; “and the names of his lessons are mine too, for the lessons are things that you can learn about; _geography_, _history_, _writing_, _arithmetic_, all these names belong to me.”

“Really Mr. Noun,” said Serjeant Parsing, “you do claim a big share of words. You will be making out that the names of _persons_ belong to you next.”

“So they do,” replied Mr. Noun; “no matter who the persons are, their names belong to me. I have the name of every person in the world from good Queen Victoria on her throne to the raggedest beggar-boy in the street. There is not a child in Schoolroom-shire whose name is not a noun. And I have not the names of _people_ only, but of all pet dogs, cats, birds, horses, or rabbits: _Fido_, _Tabby_, _Bright-eye_, _Tiny_, _Shag_, and any other pet names you can think of. Indeed, I am very particular about such names. I call them _proper nouns_, and expect them always to be written with a capital letter.”

“Proper nouns?” repeated Serjeant Parsing. “Then what are the other nouns called?”

“They are only _common_ nouns,” answered Mr. Noun, carelessly.

“Then all names are common nouns, except the names of persons or animals, are they?” asked Serjeant Parsing.

“No, no, no,” said Mr. Noun, quite crossly: “the name of an animal is not a proper noun unless it is the own special name of one animal, that marks it from other animals of the same kind. _Dog_ is the name given to all dogs, they have the name in common between them; but _Fido_ is the name of one particular dog, his own proper name by which his master calls him. So _dog_ is a common noun, _Fido_ is a proper noun.”

“Oh, I see,” said Serjeant Parsing. “Then the particular name of any person or animal is a proper noun, and all other names are common nouns.”

“I never said that,” exclaimed Mr. Noun. “How very stup---- I mean, you do not understand me, my dear sir. I never said that the particular name of a place or thing was not a proper noun too. Every particular and special name, whether of a person, an animal, a place, or a thing, is a proper noun. Every place has its own proper name, or should have. Every country and mountain and river and town in Europe is named with a _proper_ noun. Why, you would not call _England_ a common noun, I should hope? There are plenty of countries in the world, but there is only one country that is called by the proper name of dear old England. _Country_ is a common noun, all countries have it in common, but when you want to speak of any particular country you use the proper nouns, _England_, _Scotland_, _Ireland_, _France_, _etc._, _etc._”

“Well, I think we can understand that the particular names of _places_ are proper nouns,” said Serjeant Parsing; “but you spoke about _things_ also. Surely things have no proper names? You do not give names to chairs and tables, and call them Mr. Leanback or Squire Mahogany?”

“Not exactly,” answered Mr. Noun; “we do not name chairs and tables with proper names, but what do you say to houses? They are _things_, are they not? And you may have heard of such names as _Marlborough House_, _Springfield Cottage_, _Ivy Lodge_.”

“Well, no other things besides houses have proper names, have they?” said Serjeant Parsing.

“Books are things,” said Mr. Noun, “and they all have proper names. So have ships and boats, _Warrior_, _Seafoam_, _Fairy_, or something of that sort. I have heard of a cannon which was called _Roarer_, and you ought to know that King Arthur’s sword was named _Excalibur_. Indeed, you can give a proper name to anything you like that you want to distinguish from other things of the same sort.”

“And all such proper names, or proper nouns, as you call them, must be written with a capital letter, must they? Whether they are the names of persons, animals, places, or things, little or big?”

“Sir,” answered Mr. Noun, “littleness or bigness makes no difference. If you had a pet fly, and called it Silver-wing, Silver-wing must be written with a capital S, because it is a proper noun.”

“Well, Mr. Noun,” said Serjeant Parsing, “your ideas of what is _proper_ seem to me rather peculiar, but I suppose Dr. Syntax has no objection, so I will say nothing.”

Dr. Syntax silently bowed his head.

The Judge then spoke. “Mr. Noun, you have claimed a great many words, and it remains to be seen whether all the other Parts-of-Speech agree to these words being yours. In order to find out whether they do or no, I will ask our friends from Schoolroom-shire to write out, each of them, a list of twenty names, the names of anything they can _see_, _hear_, _touch_, _taste_, _smell_, or _think about_, or the _proper_ names of any persons, animals, places, or things they know; and when next we meet I will read out what they have written, and we shall hear whether any one has any good reason to give why they should not be called nouns.”

The Judge then rose from his seat, and every one left the court.

[Illustration]

[Illustration]