Part 8
SERGEANT. "A champion of every cause that can legitimately benefit his fellow creatures--" Why, look here, my man, you are the very one to come to our assistance to-night.
HYACINTH. I would be glad to do that. What way can I do it?
SERGEANT. You are a newcomer--your example would carry weight--you must stand up as a living proof of the beneficial effect of a high character, moral fibre, temperance--there is something about it here I am sure--(_Looks._) I am sure I saw "unparalleled temperance" in some place----
HYACINTH. It was my mother's cousin wrote that--I am no drinker, but I haven't the pledge taken----
SERGEANT. You might take it for the purpose.
MR. QUIRKE. [_Eagerly._] Here is an antitreating button. I was made a present of it by one of my customers--I'll give it to you [_sticks it in_ HYACINTH'S _coat_] and welcome.
SERGEANT. That is it. You can wear the button on the platform--or a bit of blue ribbon--hundreds will follow your example--I know the boys from the Workhouse will----
HYACINTH. I am in no way wishful to be an example----
SERGEANT. I will read extracts from the testimonials. "There he is," I will say, "an example of one in early life who by his own unaided efforts and his high character has obtained a profitable situation." [_Slaps his side._] I know what I'll do. I'll engage a few corner-boys from Noonan's bar, just as they are, greasy and sodden, to stand in a group--there will be the contrast--the sight will deter others from a similar fate--that's the way to do a tableau--I knew I could turn out a success.
HYACINTH. I wouldn't like to be a contrast----
SERGEANT. [_Puts testimonials in his pocket._] I will go now and engage those lads--sixpence each, and well worth it--nothing like an example for the rural classes.
[_Goes off_, HYACINTH _feebly trying to detain him_.
MRS. DELANE. A very nice man, indeed. A little high up in himself, maybe. I'm not one that blames the police. Sure they have their own bread to earn like every other one. And indeed it is often they will let a thing pass.
MR. QUIRKE. [_Gloomily._] Sometimes they will, and more times they will not.
MISS JOYCE. And where will you be finding a lodging, Mr. Halvey?
HYACINTH. I was going to ask that myself, ma'am. I don't know the town.
MISS JOYCE. I know of a good lodging, but it is only a very good man would be taken into it.
MRS. DELANE. Sure there could be no objection there to Mr. Halvey. There is no appearance on him but what is good, and the sergeant after taking him up the way he is doing.
MISS JOYCE. You will be near to the sergeant in the lodging I speak of. The house is convenient to the barracks.
HYACINTH. [_Doubtfully._] To the barracks?
MISS JOYCE. Alongside of it, and the barrack-yard behind. And that's not all. It is opposite to the priest's house.
HYACINTH. Opposite, is it?
MISS JOYCE. A very respectable place, indeed, and a very clean room you will get. I know it well. The curate can see into it from his window.
HYACINTH. Can he now?
FARDY. There was a good many, I am thinking, went into that lodging and left it after.
MISS JOYCE. [_Sharply._] It is a lodging you will never be let into or let stop in, Fardy. If they did go they were a good riddance.
FARDY. John Hart, the plumber, left it----
MISS JOYCE. If he did it was because he dared not pass the police coming in, as he used, with a rabbit he was after snaring in his hand.
FARDY. The schoolmaster himself left it.
MISS JOYCE. He needn't have left it if he hadn't taken to card-playing. What way could you say your prayers, and shadows shuffling and dealing before you on the blind?
HYACINTH. I think maybe I'd best look around a bit before I'll settle in a lodging----
MISS JOYCE. Not at all. You won't be wanting to pull down the blind.
MRS. DELANE. It is not likely _you_ will be snaring rabbits.
MISS JOYCE. Or bringing in a bottle and taking an odd glass the way James Kelly did.
MRS. DELANE. Or writing threatening notices, and the police taking a view of you from the rear.
MISS JOYCE. Or going to roadside dances, or running after good-for-nothing young girls----
HYACINTH. I give you my word I'm not so harmless as you think.
MRS. DELANE. Would you be putting a lie on these, Mr. Halvey? [_Touching testimonials._] I know well the way you will be spending the evenings, writing letters to your relations----
MISS JOYCE. Learning O'Growney's exercises----
MRS. DELANE. Sticking post-cards in an album for the convent bazaar.
MISS JOYCE. Reading the "Catholic Young Man"----
MRS. DELANE. Playing the melodies on a melodeon----
MISS JOYCE. Looking at the pictures in the "Lives of the Saints." I'll hurry on and engage the room for you.
HYACINTH. Wait. Wait a minute----
MISS JOYCE. No trouble at all. I told you it was just opposite. [_Goes._
MR. QUIRKE. I suppose I must go up-stairs and ready myself for the meeting. If it wasn't for the contract I have for the soldiers' barracks and the sergeant's good word, I wouldn't go anear it. [_Goes into shop._
MRS. DELANE. I should be making myself ready, too. I must be in good time to see you being made an example of, Mr. Halvey. It is I, myself, was the first to say it; you will be a credit to the town. [_Goes._
HYACINTH. [_In a tone of agony._] I wish I had never seen Cloon.
FARDY. What is on you?
HYACINTH. I wish I had never left Carrow. I wish I had been drowned the first day I thought of it, and I'd be better off.
FARDY. What is it ails you?
HYACINTH. I wouldn't for the best pound ever I had be in this place to-day.
FARDY. I don't know what you are talking about.
HYACINTH. To have left Carrow, if it was a poor place, where I had my comrades, and an odd spree, and a game of cards--and a coursing-match coming on, and I promised a new greyhound from the city of Cork. I'll die in this place, the way I am, I'll be too much closed in.
FARDY. Sure it mightn't be as bad as what you think.
HYACINTH. Will you tell me, I ask you, what way can I undo it?
FARDY. What is it you are wanting to undo?
HYACINTH. Will you tell me what way can I get rid of my character?
FARDY. To get rid of it, is it?
HYACINTH. That is what I said. Aren't you after hearing the great character they are after putting on me?
FARDY. That is a good thing to have.
HYACINTH. It is not. It's the worst in the world. If I hadn't it, I wouldn't be like a prize marigold at a show, with every person praising me.
FARDY. If I had it, I wouldn't be like a head in a barrel, with every person making hits at me.
HYACINTH. If I hadn't it, I wouldn't be shoved into a room with all the clergy watching me and the police in the back yard.
FARDY. If I had it, I wouldn't be but a message-carrier now, and a clapper scaring birds in the summer-time.
HYACINTH. If I hadn't it, I wouldn't be wearing this button and brought up for an example at the meeting.
FARDY. [_Whistles._] Maybe you're not so, what those papers make you out to be?
HYACINTH. How would I be what they make me out to be? Was there ever any person of that sort since the world was a world, unless it might be Saint Antony of Padua looking down from the chapel wall? If it is like that I was, isn't it in Mount Melleray I would be, or with the friars at Esker? Why would I be living in the world at all, or doing the world's work?
FARDY. [_Taking up parcel._] Who would think, now, there would be so much lies in a small place like Carrow?
HYACINTH. It was my mother's cousin did it. He said I was not reared for laboring--he gave me a new suit and bid me never to come back again. I daren't go back to face him--the neighbors knew my mother had a long family--bad luck to them the day they gave me these. [_Tears letters and scatters them._] I'm done with testimonials. They won't be here to bear witness against me.
FARDY. The sergeant thought them to be great. Sure he has the samples of them in his pocket. There's not one in the town but will know before morning that you are the next thing to an earthly saint.
HYACINTH. [_Stamping._] I'll stop their mouths. I'll show them I can be a terror for badness. I'll do some injury. I'll commit some crime. The first thing I'll do I'll go and get drunk. If I never did it before I'll do it now. I'll get drunk--then I'll make an assault--I tell you I'd think as little of taking a life as of blowing out a candle.
FARDY. If you get drunk you are done for. Sure that will be held up after as an excuse for any breaking of the law.
HYACINTH. I will break the law. Drunk or sober, I'll break it. I'll do something that will have no excuse. What would you say is the worst crime that any man can do?
FARDY. I don't know. I heard the sergeant saying one time it was to obstruct the police in the discharge of their duty----
HYACINTH. That won't do. It's a patriot I would be then, worse than before, with my picture in the weeklies. It's a red crime I must commit that will make all respectable people quit minding me. What can I do? Search your mind now.
FARDY. It's what I heard the old people saying there could be no worse crime than to steal a sheep----
HYACINTH. I'll steal a sheep--or a cow--or a horse--if that will leave me the way I was before.
FARDY. It's maybe in jail it will leave you.
HYACINTH. I don't care--I'll confess--I'll tell why I did it--I give you my word I would as soon be picking oakum or breaking stones as to be perched in the daylight the same as that bird, and all the town chirruping to me or bidding me chirrup----
FARDY. There is reason in that, now.
HYACINTH. Help me, will you?
FARDY. Well, if it is to steal a sheep you want, you haven't far to go.
HYACINTH. [_Looking around wildly._] Where is it? I see no sheep.
FARDY. Look around you.
HYACINTH. I see no living thing but that thrush----
FARDY. Did I say it was living? What is that hanging on Quirke's rack?
HYACINTH. It's [_fingers it_] a sheep, sure enough----
FARDY. Well, what ails you that you can't bring it away?
HYACINTH. It's a dead one----
FARDY. What matter if it is?
HYACINTH. If it was living I could drive it before me----
FARDY. You could. Is it to your own lodging you would drive it? Sure every one would take it to be a pet you brought from Carrow.
HYACINTH. I suppose they might.
FARDY. Miss Joyce sending in for news of it and it bleating behind the bed.
HYACINTH. [_Distracted._] Stop! stop!
MRS. DELANE. [_From upper window._] Fardy! Are you there, Fardy Farrell?
FARDY. I am, ma'am.
MRS. DELANE. [_From window._] Look and tell me is that the telegraph I hear ticking?
FARDY. [_Looking in at door._] It is, ma'am.
MRS. DELANE. Then botheration to it, and I not dressed or undressed. Wouldn't you say, now, it's to annoy me it is calling me down. I'm coming! I'm coming! [_Disappears._
FARDY. Hurry on, now! Hurry! She'll be coming out on you. If you are going to do it, do it, and if you are not, let it alone.
HYACINTH. I'll do it! I'll do it!
FARDY. [_Lifting the sheep on his back._] I'll give you a hand with it.
HYACINTH. [_Goes a step or two and turns round._] You told me no place where I could hide it.
FARDY. You needn't go far. There is the church beyond at the side of the square. Go round to the ditch behind the wall--there's nettles in it.
HYACINTH. That'll do.
FARDY. She's coming out--run! run!
HYACINTH. [_Runs a step or two._] It's slipping!
FARDY. Hoist it up. I'll give it a hoist!
[HALVEY _runs out_.
MRS. DELANE. [_Calling out._] What are you doing, Fardy Farrell? Is it idling you are?
FARDY. Waiting I am, ma'am, for the message----
MRS. DELANE. Never mind the message yet. Who said it was ready? [_Going to door._] Go ask for the loan of--no, but ask news of--Here, now go bring that bag of Mr. Halvey's to the lodging Miss Joyce has taken----
FARDY. I will, ma'am. [_Takes bag and goes out._
MRS. DELANE. [_Coming out with a telegram in her hand._] Nobody here? [_Looks round and calls cautiously._] Mr. Quirke! Mr. Quirke! James Quirke!
MR. QUIRKE. [_Looking out of his upper window, with soap-suddy face._] What is it, Mrs. Delane?
MRS. DELANE. [_Beckoning._] Come down here till I tell you.
MR. QUIRKE. I cannot do that. I'm not fully shaved.
MRS. DELANE. You'd come if you knew the news I have.
MR. QUIRKE. Tell it to me now. I'm not so supple as I was.
MRS. DELANE. Whisper now, have you an enemy in any place?
MR. QUIRKE. It's likely I may have. A man in business----
MRS. DELANE. I was thinking you had one.
MR. QUIRKE. Why would you think that at this time more than any other time?
MRS. DELANE. If you could know what is in this envelope you would know that, James Quirke.
MR. QUIRKE. Is that so? And what, now, is there in it?
MRS. DELANE. Who do you think now is it addressed to?
MR. QUIRKE. How would I know that, and I not seeing it?
MRS. DELANE. That is true. Well, it is a message from Dublin Castle to the sergeant of police!
MR. QUIRKE. To Sergeant Carden, is it?
MRS. DELANE. It is. And it concerns yourself.
MR. QUIRKE. Myself, is it? What accusation can they be bringing against me? I'm a peaceable man.
MRS. DELANE. Wait till you hear.
MR. QUIRKE. Maybe they think I was in that moonlighting case----
MRS. DELANE. That is not it----
MR. QUIRKE. I was not in it--I was but in the neighboring field--cutting up a dead cow, that those never had a hand in----
MRS. DELANE. You're out of it----
MR. QUIRKE. They had their faces blackened. There is no man can say I recognized them.
MRS. DELANE. That's not what they're saying----
MR. QUIRKE. I'll swear I did not hear their voices or know them if I did hear them.
MRS. DELANE. I tell you it has nothing to do with that. It might be better for you if it had.
MR. QUIRKE. What is it, so?
MRS. DELANE. It is an order to the sergeant, bidding him immediately to seize all suspicious meat in your house. There is an officer coming down. There are complaints from the Shannon Fort Barracks.
MR. QUIRKE. I'll engage it was that pork.
MRS. DELANE. What ailed it for them to find fault?
MR. QUIRKE. People are so hard to please nowadays, and I recommended them to salt it.
MRS. DELANE. They had a right to have minded your advice.
MR. QUIRKE. There was nothing on that pig at all but that it went mad on poor O'Grady that owned it.
MRS. DELANE. So I heard, and went killing all before it.
MR. QUIRKE. Sure it's only in the brain madness can be. I heard the doctor saying that.
MRS. DELANE. He should know.
MR. QUIRKE. I give you my word I cut the head off it. I went to the loss of it, throwing it to the eels in the river. If they had salted the meat, as I advised them, what harm would it have done to any person on earth?
MRS. DELANE. I hope no harm will come on poor Mrs. Quirke and the family.
MR. QUIRKE. Maybe it wasn't that but some other thing----
MRS. DELANE. Here is Fardy. I must send the message to the sergeant. Well, Mr. Quirke, I'm glad I had the time to give you a warning.
MR. QUIRKE. I'm obliged to you, indeed. You were always very neighborly, Mrs. Delane. Don't be too quick now sending the message. There is just one article I would like to put away out of the house before the sergeant will come.
[_Enter_ FARDY.
MRS. DELANE. Here now, Fardy--that's not the way you're going to the barracks. Any one would think you were scaring birds yet. Put on your uniform.
[FARDY _goes into office_.
MRS. DELANE. You have this message to bring to the sergeant of police. Get your cap now; it's under the counter.
[FARDY _reappears, and she gives him telegram_.
FARDY. I'll bring it to the station. It's there he was going.
MRS. DELANE. You will not, but to the barracks. It can wait for him there.
[FARDY _goes off_. MR. QUIRKE _has appeared at door_.
MR. QUIRKE. It was indeed a very neighborly act, Mrs. Delane, and I'm obliged to you. There is just _one_ article to put out of the way. The sergeant may look about him then and welcome. It's well I cleared the premises on yesterday. A consignment to Birmingham I sent. The Lord be praised, isn't England a terrible country, with all it consumes?
MRS. DELANE. Indeed, you always treat the neighbors very decent, Mr. Quirke, not asking them to buy from you.
MR. QUIRKE. Just one article. [_Turns to rack._] That sheep I brought in last night. It was for a charity, indeed, I bought it from the widow woman at Kiltartan Cross. Where would the poor make a profit out of their dead meat without me? Where now is it? Well, now, I could have swore that that sheep was hanging there on the rack when I went in----
MRS. DELANE. You must have put it in some other place.
MR. QUIRKE. [_Going in and searching and coming out._] I did not; there is no other place for me to put it. Is it gone blind I am, or is it not in it, it is?
MRS. DELANE. It's not there now, anyway.
MR. QUIRKE. Didn't you take notice of it there, yourself, this morning?
MRS. DELANE. I have it in my mind that I did; but it's not there now.
MR. QUIRKE. There was no one here could bring it away?
MRS. DELANE. Is it me, myself, you suspect of taking it, James Quirke?
MR. QUIRKE. Where is it at all? It is certain it was not of itself it walked away. It was dead, and very dead, the time I bought it.
MRS. DELANE. I have a pleasant neighbor, indeed, that accuses me that I took his sheep. I wonder, indeed, you to say a thing like that! I to steal your sheep or your rack or anything that belongs to you or to your trade! Thank you, James Quirke. I am much obliged to you, indeed.
MR. QUIRKE. Ah, be quiet, woman; be quiet----
MRS. DELANE. And let me tell you, James Quirke, that I would sooner starve and see every one belonging to me starve than to eat the size of a thimble of any joint that ever was on your rack or that ever will be on it, whatever the soldiers may eat that have no other thing to get, or the English, that devour all sorts, or the poor ravenous people that's down by the sea!
[_She turns to go into shop._
MR. QUIRKE. [_Stopping her._] Don't be talking foolishness, woman. Who said you took my meat? Give heed to me now. There must some other message have come. The sergeant must have got some other message.
MRS. DELANE. [_Sulkily._] If there is any way for a message to come that is quicker than to come by the wires, tell me what it is, and I'll be obliged to you.
MR. QUIRKE. The sergeant was up here, making an excuse he was sticking up that notice. What was he doing here, I ask you?
MRS. DELANE. How would I know what brought him?
MR. QUIRKE. It is what he did; he made as if to go away--he turned back again and I shaving--he brought away the sheep--he will have it for evidence against me----
MRS. DELANE. [_Interested._] That might be so.
MR. QUIRKE. I would sooner it to have been any other beast nearly ever I had upon the rack.
MRS. DELANE. Is that so?
MR. QUIRKE. I bade the Widow Early to kill it a fortnight ago--but she would not, she was that covetous!
MRS. DELANE. What was on it?
MR. QUIRKE. How would I know what was on it? Whatever was on it, it was the will of God put it upon it--wasted it was, and shivering and refusing its share.
MRS. DELANE. The poor thing.
MR. QUIRKE. Gone all to nothing--wore away like a flock of thread. It did not weigh as much as a lamb of two months.
MRS. DELANE. It is likely the inspector will bring it to Dublin?
MR. QUIRKE. The ribs of it streaky with the dint of patent medicines----
MRS. DELANE. I wonder is it to the Petty Sessions you'll be brought or is it to the Assizes?
MR. QUIRKE. I'll speak up to them. I'll make my defense. What can the army expect at fippence a pound?
MRS. DELANE. It is likely there will be no bail allowed?
MR. QUIRKE. Would they be wanting me to give them good quality meat out of my own pocket? Is it to encourage them to fight the poor Indians and Africans they would have me? It's the Anti-Enlisting Societies should pay the fine for me.
MRS. DELANE. It's not a fine will be put on you, I'm afraid. It's five years in jail you will be apt to be getting. Well, I'll try and be a good neighbor to poor Mrs. Quirke.
[MR. QUIRKE, _who has been stamping up and down, sits down and weeps_. HALVEY _comes in and stands on one side_.
MR. QUIRKE. Hadn't I heart-scalding enough before, striving to rear five weak children?
MRS. DELANE. I suppose they will be sent to the Industrial Schools?
MR. QUIRKE. My poor wife----
MRS. DELANE. I'm afraid the workhouse----
MR. QUIRKE. And she out in an ass-car at this minute, helping me to follow my trade.
MRS. DELANE. I hope they will not arrest her along with you.
MR. QUIRKE. I'll give myself up to justice. I'll plead guilty! I'll be recommended to mercy!
MRS. DELANE. It might be best for you.
MR. QUIRKE. Who would think so great a misfortune could come upon a family through the bringing away of one sheep!
HYACINTH. [_Coming forward._] Let you make yourself easy.
MR. QUIRKE. Easy! It's easy to say let you make yourself easy.
HYACINTH. I can tell you where it is.
MR. QUIRKE. Where what is?
HYACINTH. The sheep you are fretting after.
MR. QUIRKE. What do you know about it?
HYACINTH. I know everything about it.
MR. QUIRKE. I suppose the sergeant told you?
HYACINTH. He told me nothing.
MR. QUIRKE. I suppose the whole town knows it, so?
HYACINTH. No one knows it, as yet.
MR. QUIRKE. And the sergeant didn't see it?
HYACINTH. No one saw it or brought it away but myself.
MR. QUIRKE. Where did you put it at all?