Part 10

_Vin._ Come back: I hear Ranger coming up: stay but till he comes.

_Val._ Do you think I have the patience of an alderman?

_Vin._ You may go out this way, when you will, by the back-stairs; but stay a little, till--Oh, here he comes.

_Re-enter_ RANGER. _Upon his entrance_ CHRISTINA _puts on her mask._

_Val._ My revenge will now detain me. [VALENTINE _retires again._

_Ran._ [_Aside._]--What, come already! where is Dapperwit?--[_Aloud._] The blessing's double that comes quickly; I did not yet expect you here, otherwise I had not done myself the injury to be absent. But I hope, madam, I have not made you stay long for me.

_Chris._ I have not staid at all for you.

_Ran._ I am glad of it, madam.

_Chris._ [_To_ ISABEL.] Is not this that troublesome stranger who last night followed the lady into my lodgings?--[_Aside._] 'Tis he. [_Removing from him to the other side._

_Ran._ [_Aside._] Why does she remove so disdainfully from me?--[_Aloud._] I find you take it ill I was not at your coming here, madam.

_Chris._ Indeed I do not; you are mistaken, sir.

_Ran._ Confirm me by a smile then, madam; remove that cloud, which makes me apprehend foul weather. [_Goes to take off her mask._]--Mr. Vincent, pray retire; 'tis you keep on the lady's mask, and no displeasure which she has for me.--Yet, madam, you need not distrust his honour or his faith.--But do not keep the lady under constraint; pray leave us a little, Master Vincent.

_Chris._ You must not leave us, sir; would you leave me with a stranger?

_Val._ How's that! [_Aside._

_Ran._ [_Aside._] I've done amiss, I find, to bring her hither.--Madam, I understand you--[_Apart to_ CHRISTINA.

_Chris._ Sir, I do not understand you.

_Ran._ You would not be known to Mr. Vincent.

_Chris._ 'Tis your acquaintance I would avoid.

_Ran._ [_Aside._] Dull brute that I was, to bring her hither!--I have found my error, madam; give me but a new appointment, where I may meet you by and by, and straight I will withdraw as if I knew you not. [_Softly to her._

_Chris._ Why, do you know me?

_Ran._ [_Aside._] I must not own it.--No, madam, but--[_Offers to whisper._

_Chris._ Whispering, sir, argues an old acquaintance; but I have not the vanity to be thought of yours, and resolve you shall never have the disparagement of mine.--Mr. Vincent, pray let us go in here.

_Ran._ How's this! I am undone, I see; but if I let her go thus, I shall be an eternal laughing-stock to Vincent. [_Aside._

_Vin._ Do you not know him, madam? I thought you had come hither on purpose to meet him.

_Chris._ To meet him!

_Vin._ By your own appointment.

_Chris._ What strange infatuation does delude you all? you know, he said he did not know me.

_Vin._ You writ to him; he has your letter.

_Chris._ Then, you know my name sure? yet you confessed but now you knew me not.

_Ran._ I must confess your anger has disguised you more than your mask: for I thought to have met a kinder Christina here.

_Chris._ [_Aside._] Heavens! how could he know me in this place? he watched me hither sure; or is there any other of my name.--[_Aloud._] That you may no longer mistake me for your Christina, I'll pull off that which soothes your error. [_Pulls off her mask._

_Ran._ Take but t'other vizard off too, (I mean your anger,) and I'll swear you are the same, and only Christina which I wished, and thought, to meet here.

_Chris._ How could you think to meet me here?

_Ran._ [_Gives her the letter._] By virtue of this your commission; which now, I see, was meant a real challenge: for you look as if you would fight with me.

_Chris._ The paper is a stranger to me; I never writ it. You are abused.

_Vin._ Christina is a person of honour, and will own what she has written, Ranger.

_Ran._ [_Aside._] So! the comedy begins; I shall be laughed at sufficiently if I do not justify myself; I must set my impudence to hers. She is resolved to deny all, I see, and I have lost all hope of her.

_Vin._ Come, faith, Ranger--

_Ran._ You will deny too, madam, that I followed you last night from the Park to your lodging, where I staid with you till morning? you never saw me before, I warrant.

_Chris._ That you rudely intruded last night into my lodging, I cannot deny; but I wonder you have the confidence to brag of it: sure you will not of your reception?

_Ran._ I never was so ill-bred as to brag of my reception in a lady's chamber; not a word of that, madam.

_Val._ [_Aside._] How! If he lies, I revenge her; if it I be true, I revenge myself. [VALENTINE _draws his sword, which_ VINCENT, _seeing, thrusts him back, and shuts the door upon him before he is discovered by_ RANGER.

_Enter_ LYDIA _and_ LEONORE, _stopping at the door._

_Lyd._ What do I see! Christina with him! a counterplot to mine, to make me and it ridiculous. 'Tis true, I find, they have been long acquainted, and I long abused; but since she intends a triumph, in spite, as well as shame, (not emulation,) I retire. She deserves no envy, who will be shortly in my condition; his natural inconstancy will prove my best revenge on her--on both. [_Exeunt_ LYDIA _and_ LEONORE.

_Enter_ DAPPERWIT.

_Dap._ Christina's going away again;--what's the matter?

_Ran._ What do you mean?

_Dap._ I scarce had paid the chairmen, and was coming up after her, but I met her on the stairs, in as much haste as if she had been frightened.

_Ran._ Who do you talk of?

_Dap._ Christina, whom I took up in a chair just now at St. James's gate.

_Ran._ Thou art mad! here she is, this is Christina.

_Dap._ I must confess I did not see her face; but I am sure the lady is gone that I brought just now.

_Ran._ I tell you again this is she: did you bring two?

_Chris._ I came in no chair, had no guide but my woman there.

_Vin._ When did you bring your lady, Dapperwit?

_Dap._ Even now, just now.

_Vin._ This lady has been here half-an-hour.

_Ran._ He knows not what he says, he is mad: you are all so; I am so too.

_Vin._ 'Tis the best excuse you can make for yourself, and by owning your mistake you'll show you are come to yourself. I myself saw your woman at the door, who but looked in, and then immediately went down again;--as your friend Dapperwit too affirms.

_Chris._ You had best follow her that looked for you; and I'll go seek out him I came to see.--Mr. Vincent, pray let me in here.

_Ran._ 'Tis very fine! wondrous fine! [CHRISTINA _goes out a little, and returns._

_Chris._ Oh! he is gone! Mr. Vincent, follow him; he were yet more severe to me in endangering his life, than in his censures against me. You know the power of his enemies is great as their malice;--just Heaven preserve him from them, and me from this ill or unlucky man! [_Exeunt_ CHRISTINA, ISABEL, _and_ VINCENT.

_Ran._ 'Tis well--nay, certainly, I shall never be master of my senses more: but why dost thou help to distract me too?

_Dap._ My astonishment was as great as yours to see her go away again; I would have stayed her if I could.

_Ran._ Yet again talking of a woman you met going out, when I talk of Christina!

_Dap._ I talk of Christina too.

_Ran._ She went out just now; the woman you found me with was she.

_Dap._ That was not the Christina I brought just now.

_Ran._ You brought her almost half an hour ago;--'sdeath, will you give me the lie?

_Dap._ A lady disappointed by her gallant, the night before her journey, could not be more touchy with her maid or husband, than you are with me now after your disappointment; but if you thank me so, I'll go serve myself hereafter. For aught I know, I have disappointed Mrs. Martha for you, and may lose thirty thousand pounds by the bargain. Farewell! a raving lover is fit for solitude. [_Exit._

_Ran._ Lydia, triumph! I now am thine again. Of intrigues, honourable or dishonourable, and all sorts of rambling, I take my leave; when we are giddy, 'tis time to stand still. Why should we be so fond of the by-paths of love, where we are still waylaid with surprises, trepans, dangers, and murdering disappointments?--

Just as at blindman's buff we run at all, Whilst those that lead us laugh to see us fall; And when we think we hold the lady fast, We find it but her scarf, or veil, at last. [_Exit._

ACT THE FIFTH.

SCENE I.--_St. James's Park._

_Enter_ DAPPERWIT _and_ Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT, _the latter leading_ Mrs. MARTHA.

_Sir Sim._ At length you see I have freed the captive lady for her longing knight, Mr. Dapperwit:--who brings off a plot cleverly now?

_Dap._ I wish our poets were half so good at it.--Mrs. Martha, a thousand welcomes! [DAPPERWIT _kisses and embraces_ Mrs. MARTHA.

_Sir Sim._ Hold, hold, sir: your joy is a little too familiar, faith and troth!

_Dap._ Will you not let me salute Mrs. Martha?

_Mrs. Mar._ What, Jonas, do you think I do not know good breeding? must I be taught by you?

_Sir Sim._ I would have kept the maidenhead of your lips for your sweet knight, Mrs. Martha, that's all; I dare swear you never kissed any man before but your father.

_Mrs. Mar._ My sweet knight, if he will be knight of mine, must be contented with what he finds, as well as other knights.

_Sir Sim._ So smart already, faith and troth!

_Mrs. Mar._ Dear Mr. Dapperwit I am overjoyed to see you; but I thank honest Jonas for't. [_She hugs_ DAPPERWIT.

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] How she hugs him!

_Mrs. Mar._ Poor Mr. Dapperwit, I thought I should never have seen you again; but I thank honest Jonas there--

_Sir Sim._ Do not thank me, Mrs. Martha, any more than I thank you.

_Mrs. Mar._ I would not be ungrateful, Jonas.

_Sir Sim._ Then reserve your kindness only for your worthy, noble, brave, heroic knight, who loves you only, and only deserves your kindness.

_Mrs. Mar._ I will show my kindness to my worthy, brave, heroic knight, in being kind to his friend, his dear friend, who helped him to me. [_Hugs_ DAPPERWIT _again._

_Sir Sim._ But, Mistress Martha, he is not to help him always; though he helps him to be married, he is not to help him when he is married.

_Mrs. Mar._ What, Mr. Dapperwit, will you love my worthy knight less after marriage than before? that were against the custom; for marriage gets a man friends, instead of losing those he has.

_Dap._ I will ever be his servant and yours, dear madam; do not doubt me.

_Mrs. Mar._ I do not, sweet dear Mr. Dapperwit; but I should not have seen you these two days if it had not been for honest Jonas there--[_She kisses_ DAPPERWIT.

_Sir Sim._ [_Apart to_ DAPPERWIT.] For shame! though she be young and foolish, do not you wrong me to my face.

_Dap._ Would you have me so ill bred as to repulse her innocent kindness?--what a thing it is to want wit!

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] A pox! I must make haste to discover myself, or I shall discover what I would not discover; but if I should discover myself in this habit, 'twould not be to my advantage. But I'll go, put on my own clothes, and look like a knight.--[_Aloud._] Well, Mrs. Martha, I'll go seek out your knight: are you not impatient to see him?

_Mrs. Mar._ Wives must be obedient; let him take his own time.

_Sir Sim._ Can you trust yourself a turn or two with Master Dapperwit?

_Mrs. Mar._ Yes, yes, Jonas--as long as you will.

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] But I would not trust you with him, if I could help it.--

So married wight sees what he dares not blame; And cannot budge for fear, nor stay for shame. [_Exit._

_Dap._ I am glad he is gone, that I may laugh. 'Tis such a miracle of fops, that his conversation should be pleasant to me, even when it hindered me of yours.

_Mrs. Mar._ Indeed, I'm glad he is gone too, as pleasant as he is.

_Dap._ I know why, I know why, sweet Mrs. Martha. I warrant you, you had rather have the parson's company than his?--now you are out of your father's house, 'tis time to leave being a hypocrite.

_Mrs. Mar._ Well, for the jest's sake, to disappoint my knight, I would not care if I disappointed myself of a ladyship.

_Dap._ Come, I will not keep you on the tenters; I know you have a mind to make sure of me: I have a little chaplain (I wish he were a bishop or one of the friars) to perfect our revenge upon that zealous Jew, your father.

_Mrs. Mar._ Do not speak ill of my father; he has been your friend, I'm sure.

_Dap._ My friend!

_Mrs. Mar._ His hard usage of me conspired with your good mien and wit, and to avoid slavery unto him, I stoop to your yoke.

_Dap._ I will be obliged to your father for nothing but a portion; nor to you for your love; 'twas due to my merit.

_Mrs. Mar._ You show yourself Sir Simon's original; if 'twere not for that vanity--

_Dap._ I should be no wit--'tis the badge of my calling; for you can no more find a man of wit without vanity than a fine woman without affectation: but let us go before the knight comes again.

_Mrs. Mar._ Let us go before my father comes; he soon will have the intelligence.

_Dap._ Stay, let me think a little. [_Pauses._

_Mrs. Mar._ What are you thinking of? you should have thought before this time, or I should have thought rather.

_Dap._ Peace! peace!

_Mrs. Mar._ What are you thinking of?

_Dap._ I am thinking what a wit without vanity is like. He is like--

_Mrs. Mar._ You do not think we are in a public place, and may be surprised and prevented by my father's scouts!

_Dap._ What! would you have me lose my thought?

_Mrs. Mar._ You would rather lose your mistress, it seems.

_Dap._ He is like--I think I am a sot to-night, let me perish.

_Mrs. Mar._ Nay, if you are so in love with your thought--[_Offers to go._

_Dap._ Are you so impatient to be my wife?--He is like--he is like--a picture without shadows, or--or--a face without patches--or a diamond without a foil. These are new thoughts now, these are new!

_Mrs. Mar._ You are wedded already to your thoughts, I see;--good night.

_Dap._ Madam, do not take it ill:--

For loss of happy thought there's no amends; For his new jest true wit will lose old friends.

That's new again,--the thought's new. [_Exeunt._

SCENE II.--_Another part of the same._

_Enter_ GRIPE, _leading_ LUCY; Mrs. JOYNER _and_ Mrs. CROSSBITE _following._

_Gripe._ Mrs. Joyner, I can conform to this mode of public walking by moonlight, because one is not known.

_Lucy._ Why, are you ashamed of your company?

_Gripe._ No, pretty one; because in the dark, or as it were in the dark, there is no envy nor scandal. I would neither lose you nor my reputation.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Your reputation! indeed, your worship, 'tis well known there are as grave men as your worship; nay, men in office too, that adjourn their cares and businesses, to come and unbend themselves at night here, with a little vizard-mask.

_Gripe._ I do believe it, Mrs. Joyner.

_Lucy._ Ay, godmother, and carries and treats her at Mulberry-garden.

_Mrs. Cros._ Nay, does not only treat her, but gives her his whole gleaning of that day.

_Gripe._ They may, they may, Mrs. Crossbite; they take above six in the hundred.

_Mrs. Cros._ Nay, there are those of so much worth and honour and love, that they'll take it from their wives and children to give it to their misses; now your worship has no wife, and but one child.

_Gripe._ Still for my edification! [_Aside._

_Mrs. Joyn._ That's true, indeed; for I know a great lady that cannot follow her husband abroad to his haunts, because her Ferrandine is so ragged and greasy, whilst his mistress is as fine as fi'pence, in embroidered satins.

_Gripe._ Politicly done of him indeed! If the truth were known, he is a statesman by that, umph--

_Mrs. Cros._ Truly, your women of quality are very troublesome to their husbands: I have heard 'em complain, they will allow them no separate maintenance, though the honourable jilts themselves will not marry without it.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Come, come, mistress; sometimes 'tis the craft of those gentlemen to complain of their wives' expenses to excuse their own narrowness to their misses; but your daughter has a gallant that can make no excuse.

_Gripe._ So, Mrs. Joyner!--my friend, Mrs. Joyner--

_Mrs. Cros._ I hope, indeed, he'll give my daughter no cause to dun him; for, poor wretch! she is as modest as her mother.

_Gripe._ I profess, I believe it.

_Lucy._ But I have the boldness to ask him for a treat.--Come, gallant, we must walk towards the Mulberry-garden.

_Gripe._ So!--I am afraid, little mistress, the rooms are all taken up by this time.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Will you shame yourself again? [_Aside to_ GRIPE.

_Lucy._ If the rooms be full we'll have an arbour.

_Gripe._ At this time of night!--besides, the waiters will ne'er come near you.

_Lucy._ They will be observant of good customers, as we shall be. Come along.

_Gripe._ Indeed, and verily, little mistress, I would go, but that I should be forsworn if I did.

_Mrs. Joyn._ That's so pitiful an excuse!--

_Gripe._ In truth, I have forsworn the place ever since I was pawned there for a reckoning.

_Lucy._ You have broken many an oath for the good old cause, and will you boggle at one for your poor little miss? Come along.

_Enter_ Lady FLIPPANT _behind._

_L. Flip._ Unfortunate lady that I am! I have left the herd on purpose to be chased, and have wandered this hour here; but the Park affords not so much as a satyr for me, and (that's strange!) no Burgundy man or drunken scourer will reel my way. The rag-women, and cinder-women, have better luck than I.--But who are these? if this mongrel light does not deceive me, 'tis my brother,--'tis he:--there's Joyner, too, and two other women. I'll follow 'em. It must be he, for this world hath nothing like him;--I know not what the devil may be in the other. [_Exeunt._

SCENE III.--_Another part of the same._

_Enter_ Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT, _in fine clothes_, DAPPERWIT _and_ Mrs. MARTHA, _unseen by him at the door._

_Sir Sim._ Well, after all my seeking, I can find those I would not find; I'm sure 'twas old Gripe, and Joyner with him, and the widow followed. He would not have been here, but to have sought his daughter, sure; but vigilant Dapperwit has spied them too, and has, no doubt, secured her from him.

_Dap._ And you. [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ The rogue is as good at hiding, as I am at stealing, a mistress. 'Tis a vain, conceited fellow, yet I think 'tis an honest fellow:--but, again, he is a damnable whoring fellow; and what opportunity this air and darkness may incline 'em to, Heaven knows; for I have heard the rogue say himself, a lady will no more show her modesty in the dark than a Spaniard his courage.

_Dap._ Ha! ha! ha!--

_Sir Sim._ Nay, if you are there, my true friend, I'll forgive your hearkening, if you'll forgive my censures.--I speak to you, dear Madam Martha; dear, dear--behold your worthy knight--

_Mrs. Mar._ That's far from neighbours.

_Sir Sim._ Is come to reap the fruit of his labours.

_Mrs. Mar._ I cannot see the knight; well, but I'm sure I hear Jonas.

_Sir Sim._ I am no Jonas, Mrs. Martha.

_Mrs. Mar._ The night is not so dark, nor the peruke so big, but I can discern Jonas.

_Sir Sim._ Faith and troth, I am the very Sir Simon Addleplot that is to marry you; the same Dapperwit solicited you for; ask him else, my name is not Jonas.

_Mrs. Mar._ You think my youth and simplicity capable of this cheat; but let me tell you, Jonas, 'tis not your borrowed clothes and titles shall make me marry my father's man.

_Sir Sim._ Borrowed title! I'll be sworn I bought it of my laundress, who was a court-laundress; but, indeed, my clothes I have not paid for; therefore, in that sense, they are borrowed.

_Mrs. Mar._ Prithee, Jonas, let the jest end, or I shall be presently in earnest.

_Sir Sim._ Pray, be in earnest, and let us go; the parson and supper stay for us, and I am a knight in earnest.

_Mrs. Mar._ You a knight! insolent, saucy fool.

_Sir Sim._ The devil take me, Mrs. Martha, if I am not a knight now! a knight-baronet too! A man ought, I see, to carry his patent in his pocket when he goes to be married; 'tis more necessary than a licence. I am a knight indeed and indeed now, Mrs. Martha.

_Mrs. Mar._ Indeed and indeed, the trick will not pass, Jonas.

_Sir Sim._ Poor wretch! she's afraid she shall not be a lady.--Come, come, discover the intrigue, Dapperwit.

_Mrs. Mar._ You need not discover the intrigue, 'tis apparent already. Unworthy Mr. Dapperwit, after my confidence reposed in you, could you be so little generous as to betray me to my father's man? but I'll be even with you.

_Sir Sim._ Do not accuse him, poor man! before you hear him.--Tell her the intrigue, man.

_Dap._ A pox! she will not believe us.

_Sir Sim._ Will you not excuse yourself? but I must not let it rest so.--Know, then, Mrs. Martha--

_Mrs. Mar._ Come, I forgive thee before thy confession, Jonas; you never had had the confidence to have designed this cheat upon me but from Mr. Dapperwit's encouragement--'twas his plot.

_Sir Sim._ Nay, do not do me that wrong, madam.

_Mrs. Mar._ But since he has trepanned me out of my father's house, he is like to keep me as long as I live; and so good night, Jonas.

_Sir Sim._ Hold, hold, what d'ye mean both? prithee tell her I am Sir Simon, and no Jonas.

_Dap._ A pox! she will not believe us, I tell you.

_Sir Sim._ I have provided a supper and parson at Mulberry-garden, and invited all my friends I could meet in the Park.

_Dap._ Nay, rather than they shall be disappointed, there shall be a bride and bridegroom to entertain 'em; Mrs. Martha and I will go thither presently.

_Sir Sim._ Why, shall she be your bride?

_Dap._ You see she will have it so.

_Sir Sim._ Will you make Dapperwit your husband?

_Mrs. Mar._ Rather than my father's man.

_Sir Sim._ Oh, the devil!

_Mrs. Mar._ Nay, come along, Jonas, you shall make one at the wedding, since you helped to contrive it.

_Sir Sim._ Will you cheat yourself, for fear of being cheated?

_Mrs. Mar._ I am desperate now.

_Sir Sim._ Wilt thou let her do so ill a thing, Dapperwit, as to marry thee? open her eyes, prithee, and tell her I am a true knight.

_Dap._ 'Twould be in vain, by my life! you have carried yourself so like a natural clerk--and so adieu, good Jonas. [_Exeunt_ Mrs. MARTHA _and_ DAPPERWIT.