Part 5

_Ran._ That spark, who has his fruitless designs upon the bed-ridden rich widow, down to the suckling heiress in her pissing-clout. He was once the sport, but now the public grievance, of all the fortunes in town; for he watches them like a younger brother that is afraid to be mumped of his snip,[29] and they cannot steal a marriage, nor stay their stomachs, but he must know it.

_Dap._ He has now pitched his nets for Gripe's daughter, the rich scrivener, and serves him as a clerk to get admission to her; which the watchful fop her father denies to all others.

_Ran._ I thought you had been nibbling at her once, under pretence of love to her aunt.

_Dap._ I confess I have the same design yet, and Addleplot is but my agent, whilst he thinks me his. He brings me letters constantly from her, and carries mine back.

_Vin._ Still betraying your best friends!

_Dap._ I cannot in honour but betray him. Let me perish! the poor young wench is taken with my person, and would scratch through four walls to come to me.

_Vin._ 'Tis a sign she is kept up close indeed.

_Dap._ Betray him! I'll not be traitor to love for any man.

_Enter_ Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT _with the_ Waiter.

_Sir Sim._ Know 'em! you are a saucy Jack-straw to question me, faith and troth; I know everybody, and everybody knows me.

_All._ Sir Simon! Sir Simon! Sir Simon!

_Ran._ And you are a welcome man to everybody.

_Sir Sim._ Now, son of a whore, do I know the gentlemen?--A dog! would have had a shilling of me before he would let me come to you!

_Ran._ The rogue has been bred at Court, sure.--Get you out, sirrah. [_Exit_ Waiter.

_Sir Sim._ He has been bred at a French-house, where they are more unreasonable.

_Vin._ Here's to you, Sir Simon.

_Sir Sim._ I cannot drink, for I have a mistress within; though I would not have the people of the house to know it.

_Ran._ You need not be ashamed of your mistresses, for they are commonly rich.

_Sir Sim._ And because she is rich, I would conceal her; for I never had a rich mistress yet, but one or other got her from me presently, faith and troth.

_Ran._ But this is an ill place to conceal a mistress in; every waiter is an intelligencer to your rivals.

_Sir Sim._ I have a trick for that:--I'll let no waiters come into the room; I'll lay the cloth myself rather.

_Ran._ But who is your mistress?

_Sir Sim._ Your servant,--your servant, Mr. Ranger.

_Vin._ Come, will you pledge me?

_Sir Sim._ No, I'll spare your wine, if you will spare me Dapperwit's company; I came for that.

_Vin._ You do us a double favour, to take him and leave the wine.

_Sir Sim._ Come, come, Dapperwit.

_Ran._ Do not go, unless he will suffer us to see his mistress too. [_Aside to_ DAPPERWIT.

_Sir Sim._ Come, come, man.

_Dap._ Would you have me so uncivil as to leave my company?--they'll take it ill.

_Sir Sim._ I cannot find her talk without thee.--Pray, gentlemen, persuade Mr. Dapperwit to go with me.

_Ran._ We will not hinder him of better company.

_Dap._ Yours is too good to be left rudely.

_Sir Sim._ Nay, gentlemen, I would desire your company too, if you knew the lady.

_Dap._ They know her as well as I; you say I know her not.

_Sir Sim._ You are not everybody.

_Ran._ Perhaps we do know the lady, Sir Simon.

_Sir Sim._ You do not, you do not: none of you ever saw her in your lives;--but if you could be secret, and civil--

_Ran._ We have drunk yet but our bottle a-piece.

_Sir Sim._ But will you be civil, Mr. Vincent?

_Ran._ He dares not look a woman in the face under three bottles.

_Sir Sim._ Come along then. But can you be civil, gentlemen? will you be civil, gentlemen? pray be civil if you can, and you shall see her.

[_Exit, and returns with_ Lady FLIPPANT _and_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_Dap._ How, has he got his jilt here! [_Aside._

_Ran._ The widow Flippant! [_Aside._

_Vin._ Is this the woman that we never saw! [_Aside._

_L. Flip._ Does he bring us into company!--and Dapperwit one! Though I had married the fool, I thought to have reserved the wit as well as other ladies. [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ Nay, look as long as you will, madam, you will find them civil gentlemen, and good company.

_L. Flip._ I am not in doubt of their civility, but yours.

_Mrs. Joyn._ You'll never leave snubbing your servants! Did you not promise to use him kindly? [_Aside to_ Lady FLIPPANT.

_L. Flip._ [_Aside to_ Mrs. JOYNER.] 'Tis true.--[_Aloud._] We wanted no good company, Sir Simon, as long as we had yours.

_Sir Sim._ But they wanted good company, therefore I forced 'em to accept of yours.

_L. Flip._ They will not think the company good they were forced into, certainly.

_Sir Sim._ A pox! I must be using the words in fashion, though I never have any luck with 'em. Mrs. Joyner, help me off.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I suppose, madam, he means the gentlemen wanted not inclination to your company, but confidence to desire so great an honour; therefore he forced 'em.

_Dap._ What makes this bawd here? Sure, mistress, you bawds should be like the small cards, though at first you make up a pack, yet, when the play begins, you should be put out as useless.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Well, well, gibing companion: you would have the pimps kept in only? you would so?

_Vin._ What, they are quarrelling!

_Ran._ Pimp and bawd agree now-a-days like doctor and apothecary.

_Sir Sim._ Try, madam, if they are not civil gentlemen; talk with 'em, while I go lay the cloth--no waiter comes here.--[_Aside._] My mother used to tell me, I should avoid all occasions of talking before my mistress, because silence is a sign of love as well as prudence. [_Lays the cloth._

_L. Flip._ Methinks you look a little yellow on't, Mr. Dapperwit. I hope you do not censure me because you find me passing away a night with this fool:--he is not a man to be jealous of, sure.

_Dap._ You are not a lady to be jealous of, sure.

_L. Flip._ No, certainly.--But why do you look as if you were jealous then?

_Dap._ If I had met you in Whetstone's park,[30] with a drunken foot-soldier, I should not have been jealous of you.

_L. Flip._ Fy, fy! now you are jealous, certainly; for people always, when they grow jealous, grow rude:--but I can pardon it since it proceeds from love certainly.

_Dap._ I am out of all hopes to be rid of this eternal old acquaintance: when I jeer her, she thinks herself praised; now I call her whore in plain English she thinks I am jealous. [_Aside._

_L. Flip._ Sweet Mr. Dapperwit, be not so censorious, (I speak for your sake, not my own,) for jealousy is a great torment, but my honour cannot suffer certainly.

_Dap._ No, certainly; but the greatest torment I have is--your love.

_L. Flip._ Alas! sweet Mr. Dapperwit, indeed love is a torment: but 'tis a sweet torment; but jealousy is a bitter torment.--I do not go about to cure you of the torment of my love.

_Dap._ 'Tis a sign so.

_L. Flip._ Come, come, look up, man; is that a rival to contest with you?

_Dap._ I will contest with no rival, not with my old rival your coachman; but they have heartily my resignation; and, to do you a favour, but myself a greater, I will help to tie the knot you are fumbling for now, betwixt your cully here and you.

_L. Flip._ Go, go, I take that kind of jealousy worst of all, to suspect I would be debauched to beastly matrimony.--But who are those gentlemen, pray? are they men of fortunes, Mrs. Joyner?

_Mrs. Joyn._ I believe so.

_L. Flip._ Do you believe so, indeed?--Gentlemen--[_Advancing towards_ RANGER _and_ VINCENT.

_Ran._ If the civility we owe to ladies had not controlled our envy to Mr. Dapperwit, we had interrupted ere this your private conversation.

_L. Flip._ Your interruption, sir, had been most civil and obliging;--for our discourse was of marriage.

_Ran._ That is a subject, madam, as grateful as common.

_L. Flip._ O fy, fy! are you of that opinion too? I cannot suffer any to talk of it in my company.

_Ran._ Are you married then, madam?

_L. Flip._ No, certainly.

_Ran._ I am sure so much beauty cannot despair of it.

_L. Flip._ Despair of it!--

_Ran._ Only those that are married, or cannot be married, hate to hear of marriage.

_L. Flip._ Yet you must know, sir, my aversion to marriage is such, that you, nor no man breathing, shall ever persuade me to it.

_Ran._ Cursed be the man should do so rude a thing as to persuade you to anything against your inclination! I would not do it for the world, madam.

_L. Flip._ Come, come, though you seem to be a civil gentleman, I think you no better than your neighbours. I do not know a man of you all that will not thrust a woman up into a corner, and then talk an hour to her impertinently of marriage.

_Ran._ You would find me another man in a corner, I assure you, madam; for you should not have a word of marriage from me, whatsoever you might find in my actions of it; I hate talking as much as you.

_L. Flip._ I hate it extremely.

_Ran._ I am your man then, madam; for I find just the same fault with your sex as you do with ours:--I ne'er could have to do with woman in my life, but still she would be impertinently talking of marriage to me.

_L. Flip._ Observe that, Mrs. Joyner.

_Dap._ Pray, Mr. Ranger, let's go; I had rather drink with Mr. Vincent, than stay here with you; besides 'tis Park-time.

_Ran._ [_To_ DAPPERWIT.] I come.--[_To_ Lady FLIPPANT.] Since you are a lady that hate marriage, I'll do you the service to withdraw the company; for those that hate marriage hate loss of time.

_L. Flip._ Will you go then, sir? but before you go, sir, pray tell me is your aversion to marriage real?

_Ran._ As real as yours.

_L. Flip._ If it were no more real than mine--[_Aside._

_Ran._ Your servant, madam. [_Turns to go._

_L. Flip._ But do you hate marriage certainly? [_Plucks him back._

_Ran._ Certainly.

_L. Flip._ Come, I cannot believe it: you dissemble it only because I pretend it.

_Ran._ Do you but pretend it then, madam?

_L. Flip._ [_Aside_] I shall discover myself--[_Aloud_] I mean, because I hold against it, you do the same in complaisance:--for I have heard say, cunning men think to bring the coy and untractable women to tameness as they do some mad people--by humouring their frenzies.

_Ran._ I am none of those cunning men, yet have too much wit to entertain the presumption of designing upon you.

_L. Flip._ 'Twere no such presumption neither.

_Dap._ Come away; 'sdeath! don't you see your danger?

_Ran._ Those aims are for Sir Simon.--Good night, madam.

_L. Flip._ Will you needs go, then?--[_To_ Sir SIMON] The gentlemen are a-going, Sir Simon; will you let 'em?

_Sir Sim._ Nay, madam, if you cannot keep 'em, how should I?

_L. Flip._ Stay, sir; because you hate marriage, I'll sing you a new song against it. [_Sings._

A spouse I do hate, For either she's false or she's jealous; But give us a mate Who nothing will ask us or tell us.

She stands on no terms, Nor chaffers, by way of indenture, Her love for your farms; But takes her kind man at a venture.

If all prove not right, Without an act, process, or warning, From wife for a night You may be divorced in the morning.

When parents are slaves, Their brats cannot be any other; Great wits and great braves Have always a punk[31] to their mother.

Though it be the fashion for women of quality to sing any song whatever, because the words are not distinguished, yet I should have blushed to have done it now, but for you, sir.

_Ran._ The song is edifying, the voice admirable--and, once more, I am your servant, madam.

_L. Flip._ What, will you go too, Mr Dapperwit?

_Sir Sim._ Pray, Mr. Dapperwit, do not you go too.

_Dap._ I am engaged.

_Sir Sim._ Well, if we cannot have their company, we will not have their room: ours is a private backroom; they have paid their reckoning, let's go thither again.

_L. Flip._ But pray, sweet Mr. Dapperwit, do not go. Keep him, Sir Simon.

_Sir Sim._ I cannot keep him. [_Exeunt_ VINCENT, RANGER, _and_ DAPPERWIT.

It is impossible; (the world is so;) One cannot keep one's friend, and mistress too. [_Exeunt._

ACT THE SECOND.

SCENE I.--_St. James's Park at night._

_Enter_ RANGER, VINCENT, _and_ DAPPERWIT.

_Ran._ Hang me, if I am not pleased extremely with this new-fashioned caterwauling, this mid-night coursing in the park.

_Vin._ A man may come after supper with his three bottles in his head, reel himself sober, without reproof from his mother, aunt, or grave relation.

_Ran._ May bring his bashful wench, and not have her put out of countenance by the impudent honest women of the town.

_Dap._ And a man of wit may have the better of the dumb show of well-trimmed vest or fair peruke:--no man's now is whitest.

_Ran._ And now no woman's modest or proud; for her blushes are hid, and the rubies on her lips are dyed, and all sleepy and glimmering eyes have lost their attraction.

_Vin._ And now a man may carry a bottle under his arm instead of his hat;--and no observing spruce fop will miss the cravat that lies on one's shoulder, or count the pimples on one's face.

_Dap._ And now the brisk repartee ruins the complaisant cringe, or wise grimace.--Something 'twas, we men of virtue always loved the night.

_Ran._ O blessed season!

_Vin._ For good-fellows.

_Ran._ For lovers.

_Dap._ And for the Muses.

_Ran._ When I was a boy I loved the night so well, I had a strong vocation to be a bellman's apprentice.

_Vin._ I, a drawer.

_Dap._ And I, to attend the waits of Westminster, let me perish!

_Ran._ But why do we not do the duty of this and such other places;--walk, censure, and speak ill of all we meet?

_Dap._ 'Tis no fault of mine, let me perish!

_Vin._ Fy, fy! satirical gentlemen, this is not your time; you cannot distinguish a friend from a fop.

_Dap._ No matter, no matter; they will deserve amongst 'em the worst we can say.

_Ran._ Who comes here, Dapperwit? [_People walk slowly over the stage._

_Dap._ By the toss of his head, training of his feet, and his elbows playing at bo-peep behind his back, it should be my Lord Easy.

_Ran._ And who the woman?

_Dap._ My Lord what-d'ye-call's daughter, that had a child by--

_Vin._ Dapperwit, hold your tongue.

_Ran._ How! are you concerned?

_Vin._ Her brother's an honest fellow, and will drink his glass.

_Ran._ Prithee, Vincent, Dapperwit did not hinder drinking to-night, though he spake against it; why, then, should you interrupt his sport?--Now, let him talk of anybody.

_Vin._ So he will,--till you cut his throat.

_Ran._ Why should you on all occasions thwart him, contemn him, and maliciously look grave at his jests only?

_Vin._ Why does he always rail against my friends, then, and my best friend--a beer-glass?

_Ran._ Dapperwit, be your own advocate: my game, I think, is before me there. [_Exit._

_Dap._ This Ranger, I think, has all the ill qualities of all your town fops;--leaving his company for a spruce lord or a wench.

_Vin._ Nay, if you must rail at your own best friends, I may forgive you railing at mine.

_Enter_ LYDIA _and_ Lady FLIPPANT.--_They walk over the stage._

_Lyd._ False Ranger, shall I find thee here? [_Aside._

_Vin._ Those are women, are they not? [_To_ DAPPER.

_Dap._ The least seems to be my Lucy, sure. [_Aside._

_Vin._ Faith, I think I dare speak to a woman in the dark!--let's try.

_Dap._ They are persons of quality of my acquaintance;--hold!

_Vin._ Nay, if they are persons of quality of your acquaintance, I may be the bolder with 'em. [_The_ Ladies _go off, they follow them._

_Re-enter_ LYDIA _and_ Lady FLIPPANT.

_Lyd._ I come hither to make a discovery to-night.

_L. Flip._ Of my love to you, certainly; for nobody but you could have debauched me to the Park, certainly. I would not return another night, if it were to redeem my dear husband from his grave.

_Lyd._ I believe you:--but to get another, widow.

_L. Flip._ Another husband, another husband, foh!

_Lyd._ There does not pass a night here but many a match is made.

_L. Flip._ That a woman of honour should have the word match in her mouth!--but I hope, madam, the fellows do not make honourable love here, do they? I abominate honourable love, upon my honour.

_Lyd._ If they should make honourable love here, I know you would prevent 'em.

_Re-enter_ VINCENT _and_ DAPPERWIT.--_They walk slowly towards the_ Ladies.

But here come two men will inform you what to do.

_L. Flip._ Do they come?--are they men certainly?

_Lyd._ Prepare for an assault, they'll put you to't.

_L. Flip._ Will they put us to't certainly? I was never put to't yet. If they should put us to't, I should drop down, down, certainly.

_Lyd._ I believe, truly, you would not have power to run away.

_L. Flip._ Therefore I will not stay the push.--They come! they come! oh, the fellows come! [Lady FLIPPANT _runs away,_ LYDIA _follows, and_ VINCENT _and_ DAPPERWIT _after them._

_Re-enter_ Lady FLIPPANT _at the other side, alone._

_L. Flip._ So! I am got off clear! I did not run from the men, but my companion. For all their brags, men have hardly courage to set upon us when our number is equal; now they shall see I defy 'em:--for we women have always most courage when we are alone. But, a pox! the lazy rogues come not! or they are drunk and cannot run. Oh drink! abominable drink! instead of inflaming love, it quenches it; and for one lover it encourages, it makes a thousand impotent. Curse on all wine! even Rhenish wine and sugar--

_Enter_ Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT, _muffled in a cloak._

But fortune will not see me want; here comes a single bully,--I wish he may stand;--

For now a-nights the jostling nymph is bolder Than modern satyr with his cloak o'er shoulder.

Well met, sir. [_She puts on her mask._

_Sir Sim._ How shall I know that, forsooth? Who are you? do you know me?

_L. Flip._ Who are you? don't you know me?

_Sir Sim._ Not I, faith and troth!

_L. Flip._ I am glad on't; for no man e'er liked a woman the better for having known her before.

_Sir Sim._ Ay, but then one can't be so free with a new acquaintance as with an old one; she may deny one the civility.

_L. Flip._ Not till you ask her.

_Sir Sim._ But I am afraid to be denied.

_L. Flip._ Let me tell you, sir, you cannot disoblige us women more than in distrusting us.

_Sir Sim._ Pish! what should one ask for, when you know one's meaning?--but shall I deal freely with you?

_L. Flip._ I love, of my life, men should deal freely with me; there are so few men will deal freely with one--

_Sir Sim._ Are you not a fireship,[32] a punk, madam?

_L. Flip._ Well, sir, I love raillery.

_Sir Sim._ Faith and troth, I do not rally, I deal freely.

_L. Flip._ This is the time and place for freedom, sir.

_Sir Sim._ Are you handsome?

_L. Flip._ Joan's as good as my lady in the dark, certainly: but men that deal freely never ask questions, certainly.

_Sir Sim._ How then! I thought to deal freely, and put a woman to the question, had been all one.

_L. Flip._ But, let me tell you, those that deal freely indeed, take a woman by--

_Sir Sim._ What, what, what, what?

_L. Flip._ By the hand--and lead her aside.

_Sir Sim._ Now I understand you; come along then.

_Enter behind_ Musicians _with torches._

_L. Flip._ What unmannerly rascals are those that bring light into the Park? 'twill not be taken well from 'em by the women, certainly.--[_Aside._] Still disappointed!

_Sir Sim._ Oh, the fiddles, the fiddles! I sent for them hither to oblige the women, not to offend 'em; for I intend to serenade the whole Park to-night. But my frolic is not without an intrigue, faith and troth: for I know the fiddles will call the whole herd of vizard masks together; and then shall I discover if a strayed mistress of mine be not amongst 'em, whom I treated to-night at the French-house; but as soon as the jilt had eat up my meat and drunk her two bottles, she ran away from me, and left me alone.

_L. Flip._ How! is it he? Addleplot!--that I could not know him by his faith and troth! [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ Now I would understand her tricks; because I intend to marry her, and should be glad to know what I must trust to.

_L. Flip._ So thou shalt;--but not yet. [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ Though I can give a great guess already; for if I have any intrigue or sense in me, she is as arrant a jilt as ever pulled pillow from under husband's head, faith and troth. Moreover she is bow-legged, hopper-hipped, and, betwixt pomatum and Spanish red, has a complexion like a Holland cheese, and no more teeth left than such as give a _haut goût_ to her breath; but she is rich, faith and troth.

_L. Flip._ [_Aside._] Oh rascal! he has heard somebody else say all this of me. But I must not discover myself, lest I should be disappointed of my revenge; for I will marry him. [_The_ Musicians _approaching, exit_ FLIPPANT.

_Sir Sim._ What, gone!--come then, strike up, my lads.

_Enter_ Men _and_ Women _in vizards--a Dance, during which_ Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT, _for the most part, stands still in a cloak and vizard; but sometimes goes about peeping, and examining the_ Women's _clothes--the Dance ended, all exeunt._

_Re-enter_ Lady FLIPPANT _and_ LYDIA, _after them_ VINCENT _and_ DAPPERWIT.

_L. Flip._ [_To_ LYDIA.] Nay, if you stay any longer, I must leave you again. [_Going off._

_Vin._ We have overtaken them at last again. These are they: they separate too; and that's but a challenge to us.

_Dap._ Let me perish! ladies--

_Lyd._ Nay, good madam, let's unite, now here's the common enemy upon us.

_Vin._ Damn me! ladies--

_Dap._ Hold, a pox! you are too rough.--Let me perish! ladies--

_Lyd._ Not for want of breath, gentlemen:--we'll stay rather.

_Dap._ For want of your favour rather, sweet ladies.

_L. Flip._ [_Aside._] That's Dapperwit, false villain! but he must not know I am here. If he should, I should lose his thrice agreeable company, and he would run from me as fast as from the bailiffs. [_To_ LYDIA.] What! you will not talk with 'em, I hope?

_Lyd._ Yes, but I will.

_L. Flip._ Then you are a Park-woman certainly, and you will take it kindly if I leave you.

_Lyd._ No, you must not leave me.

_L. Flip._ Then you must leave them.

_Lyd._ I'll see if they are worse company than you, first.

_L. Flip._ Monstrous impudence!--will you not come? [_Pulls_ LYDIA.