Part 9

_Sir Sim._ 'Tis a lord's mortgage, and therefore requires the more haste:--pray do not jog me, madam.

_L. Flip._ Dull rascal! [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ They cannot stay for money as other folks. If you will not let me make an end on't, I shall lose my expedition-fee.

_L. Flip._ There are some clerks would have understood me before this. [_Aside._

_Sir Sim._ Nay, pray be quiet, madam; if you squeeze me so to the wall, I cannot write.

_L. Flip._ [_Aside._] 'Tis much for the honour of the gentlemen of this age, that we persons of quality are forced to descend to the importuning of a clerk, a butler, coachman, or footman; while the rogues are as dull of apprehension, too, as an unfledged country squire amongst his mother's maids! [_Jogs him again._

_Sir Sim._ Again! Let me tell you, madam, familiarity breeds contempt: you'll never leave till you have made me saucy.

_L. Flip._ I would I could see that.

_Sir Sim._ I vow and swear then, get you gone! or I'll add a black patch or two to those on your face.--[_Aside._] I shall have no time to get Mrs. Martha out, for her.

_L. Flip._ Will you, sir, will you! [_Jogs him again._

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] I must have a plot for her, she is a coy woman.--[_Aloud._] I vow and swear if you pass this crevice,[45] I'll kiss you in plain English.

_L. Flip._ I would I could see that!--do you defy me! [_Steps to him--he kisses her._

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] How's this! I vow and swear, she kisses as tamely as Mrs. Ticklish, and with her mouth open too.

_L. Flip._ I thought you would have been ashamed to have done so to your master's own sister!

_Sir Sim._ I hope you'll be quiet now, madam?

_L. Flip._ Nay, I'll be revenged of you sure.

_Sir Sim._ If you come again, I shall do more to you than that.--[_Aside._] I'll pursue my plot and try if she be honest.

_L. Flip._ You do more to me than that! nay, if you'll do more to me than that--[_She throws down his ink and runs out, he following her._

_Enter_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I must visit my young clients in the meantime.

_Re-enter_ Sir SIMON, _holding up his hands._

What's the matter, Sir Simon?

_Sir Sim._ Lord! who would have thought it?

_Mrs. Joyn._ What ails you, Sir Simon?

_Sir Sim._ I have made such a discovery, Mrs. Joyner!

_Mrs. Joyn._ What is't?

_Sir Sim._ Such a one that makes me at once glad and sorry; I am sorry my Lady Flippant is naught, but I'm glad I know it:--thanks still to my disguise.

_Mrs. Joyn._ Fy! fy!

_Sir Sim._ Nay, this hand can tell--

_Mrs. Joyn._ But how?

_Sir Sim._ She threw down my ink-glass, and ran away into the next room; I followed her, and, in revenge, threw her down upon the bed:--but, in short, all that I could do to her would not make her squeak.

_Mrs. Joyn._ She was out of breath, man, she was out of breath.

_Sir Sim._ Ah, Mrs. Joyner, say no more, say no more of that!

_Re-enter_ Lady FLIPPANT.

_L. Flip._ You rude, unmannerly rascal!

_Mrs. Joyn._ You see she complains now.

_Sir Sim._ I know why, Mrs. Joyner, I know why. [_Aside to_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_L. Flip._ I'll have you turned out of the house; you are not fit for my brother's service.

_Sir Sim._ Not for yours, you mean, madam. [_Aside._

_L. Flip._ I'll go and acquaint my brother--

_Mrs. Joyn._ [_Aside to_ Lady FLIPPANT.] Hold, hold, madam, speak not so loud:--'tis Sir Simon Addleplot, your lover, who has taken this disguise on purpose to be near you, and to watch and supplant his rival.

_L. Flip._ What a beast was I, I could not discover it! you have undone me! why would you not tell me sooner of it? [_Aside to_ Mrs. JOYNER.

_Mrs. Joyn._ I thought he had been discernible enough.

_L. Flip._ I protest, I knew him not; for I must confess to you, my eyes are none of the best since I have used the last new wash of mercury-water.--What will he think of me!

_Mrs. Joyn._ Let me alone with him.--[_To_ Sir SIMON.] Come, come, did you think you could disguise yourself from my lady's knowledge? she knew you, man, or else you had ne'er had those liberties. Alas, poor lady, she cannot resist you!

_L. Flip._ 'Tis my weakness.

_Sir Sim._ How's this!--but here comes my master.

_Enter_ GRIPE _and_ Mrs. MARTHA.

_Gripe._ Come, Mrs. Joyner, are you ready to go?

_Mrs. Joyn._ I am ever ready when your worship commands.

_L. Flip._ Brother, if you go to t'other end of the town, you'll set me down near the playhouse?

_Gripe._ The playhouse! do you think I will be seen near the playhouse?

_L. Flip._ You shall set me down in Lincoln's-inn-fields, then? for I have earnest business there.--[_Apart to_ Sir SIMON.] When I come home again, I'll laugh at you soundly, Sir Simon.

_Sir Sim._ Has Joyner betrayed me then! 'tis time to look to my hits. [_Aside._

_Gripe._ Martha, be sure you stay within now. If you go out, you shall never come into my doors again.

_Mrs. Mar._ No, I will not, sir; I'll ne'er come into your doors again, if once I should go out.

_Gripe._ 'Tis well said, girl. [_Exeunt_ GRIPE, Mrs. JOYNER, _and_ Lady FLIPPANT.

_Sir Sim._ 'Twas prettily said: I understand you, they are dull, and have no intrigue in 'em. But dear sweet Mrs. Martha, 'tis time we were gone; you have stole away your scarfs and hood from your maid, I hope?

_Mrs. Mar._ Nay, I am ready, but--

_Sir Sim._ Come, come, Sir Simon Addleplot, poor gentleman, is an impatient man, to my knowledge.

_Mrs. Mar._ Well, my venture is great, I'm sure, for a man I know not. But pray, Jonas, do not deceive me; is he so fine a gentleman, as you say he is?

_Sir Sim._ Pish! pish! he is the--gentleman of the town, faith and troth.

_Mrs. Mar._ But may I take your word, Jonas?

_Sir Sim._ 'Tis not my word, 'tis the word of all the town.

_Mrs. Mar._ Excuse me, Jonas, for that:--I never heard any speak well of him but Mr. Dapperwit and you.

_Sir Sim._ That's because he has been a rival to all men, and a gallant to all ladies. Rivals and deserted mistresses never speak well of a man.

_Mrs. Mar._ Has he been so general in his amours? his kindness is not to be valued then.

_Sir Sim._ The more by you; because 'tis for you he deserts all the rest, faith and troth.

_Mrs. Mar._ You plead better for him than he could for himself, I believe; for, indeed, they say he is no better than an idiot.

_Sir Sim._ Then, believe me, madam--for nobody knows him better than I--he has as much wit, courage, and as good a mien to the full, as I have.--He an idiot!

_Mrs. Mar._ The common gull; so perspicuous a fop, the women find him out:--for none of 'em will marry him.

_Sir Sim._ You may see, now, how he and you are abused. For that he is not married, is a sign of his wit; and for being perspicuous, 'tis false; he is as mysterious as a new parliament-man, or a young statesman newly taken from a coffee-house or tennis-court.

_Mrs. Mar._ But is it a sign of his wit because he is not married?

_Sir Sim._ Yes, yes; your women of the town ravish your fops: there's not one about the town unmarried that has anything.

_Mrs. Mar._ It may be then he has spent his estate.

_Sir Sim._ [_Aside._] How unluckily guessed!--[_Aloud._] If he had, he has a head can retrieve it again.

_Mrs. Mar._ Besides, they say he has the modish distemper.

_Sir Sim._ He can cure it with the best French chirurgeon in town.

_Mrs. Mar._ Has his practice on himself been so much?

_Sir Sim._ Come, come.--

Fame, like deserted jilt, does still belie men; Who doubts her man, must be advised by Hymen; For he knows best of any how to try men. [_Exeunt._

SCENE III.--_The old Pall Mall._

_Enter_ RANGER _and_ DAPPERWIT.

_Ran._ Now the Lucys have renounced us, hey for the Christinas! She cannot use me worse than your honourable mistress did you.

_Dap._ A pox! some young heir or another has promised her marriage. There are so many fools in the world, 'tis impossible for a man of wit to keep his wench from being a lady, let me perish!

_Ran._ But have you no other acquaintance that sticks to her vocation, in spite of temptations of honour or filthy lucre? I declare, I make honourable love merely out of necessity, as your rooks play on the square rather than not play at all.

_Enter_ LEONORE _masked, with a letter in her hand._

_Dap._ Come, the devil will not lose a gamester: here's ready money for you, push freely.

_Ran._ Thou art as well met as if by assignation. [_To_ LEONORE.

_Leo._ And you are as well met as if you were the man I looked for.

_Ran._ Kind rogue!

_Leo._ Sweet sir!

_Ran._ Come, I am thy prisoner, (without more words,) show but thy warrant. [_Goes to pull off her mask._

_Leo._ You mistake, sir; here is my pass. [_Gives him the letter._

_Ran._ A letter! and directed to me!

[_Reads._] "I cannot put up the injuries and affronts you did me last night;"--a challenge, upon my life! and by such a messenger!--"therefore conjure you by your honour, at eight o'clock precisely, this evening, to send your man to St. James's gate, to wait for me with a chair, to conduct me to what place you shall think most fit, for the giving of satisfaction to the injured--Christina."

Christina! I am amazed! What is it o'clock, Dapperwit?

_Dap._ It wants not half an hour of eight.

_Ran._ [_To_ LEONORE.] Go then back, my pretty herald, and tell my fair enemy the service she designs my man is only fit for my friend here; whose faith and honour she may be secure of. He shall immediately go wait for her at St James's gate, whilst I go to prepare a place for our rencounter, and myself to die at her feet. [_Exit_ LEONORE.] Dapperwit, dear Dapperwit.

_Dap._ What lucky surprisal's this?

_Ran._ Prithee ask no questions, till I have more leisure and less astonishment. I know you will not deny to be an instrument in my happiness.

_Dap._ No, let me perish! I take as much pleasure to bring lovers together as an old woman; or as a bankrupt gamester loves to look on, though he has no advantage by the play; or as a bully that fights not himself, yet takes pleasure to set people together by the ears, or as--

_Ran._ 'Sdeath! is this a time for similitudes?

_Dap._ You have made me miscarry of a good thought now, let me perish!

_Ran._ Go presently to St. James's gate, where you are to expect the coming of a lady ('tis Christina), accompanied by that woman you saw e'en now. She will permit you to put her into a chair, and then conduct her to my lodging; while I go before to remove some spies, and prepare it for her reception.

_Dap._ Your lodging? had you not better carry her to Vincent's? 'tis hard by; and there a vizard mask has as free egress and regress as at the playhouse.

_Ran._ Faith, though it be not very prudent, yet she shall come thither in my vindication; for he would not believe I had seen her last night.

_Dap._ To have a fine woman, and not tell on't as you say, Mr. Ranger--

_Ran._ Go, and bring her to Vincent's lodging; there I'll expect you. [_Exeunt severally._

SCENE IV.--_The Street before_ VINCENT'S _Lodging._

_Enter_ CHRISTINA _and_ ISABEL.

_Isa._ This is the door, madam; here Mr. Vincent lodges.

_Chris._ 'Tis no matter, we will pass it by; lest the people of our lodgings should watch us. But if he should not be here now!

_Isa._ Who, Mr. Valentine, madam? I warrant you my intelligencer dares not fail me.

_Chris._ Did he come last night, said he?

_Isa._ Last night late.

_Chris._ And not see me yet! nay, not send to me!--'tis false, he is not come,--I wish he were not. I know not which I should take more unkindly from him, exposing his life to his revengeful enemies, or being almost four-and-twenty hours so near me, and not let me know't.

_Isa._ A lover's dangers are the only secrets kept from his mistress; he came not to you because he would not purchase his happiness with your fear and apprehensions.

_Chris._ Nay, he is come, I see, since you are come about again of his side.

_Isa._ Will you go in, madam, and disprove me, if you can? 'tis better than standing in the street.

_Chris._ We'll go a little further first, and return. [_Exeunt._

SCENE V.--VINCENT'S _Lodging._

_Enter_ VINCENT _and_ VALENTINE.

_Vin._ I told you I had sent my man to Christina's this morning, to inquire of her maid, (who seldom denies him a secret,) if her lady had been at the Park last night; which she peremptorily answered to the contrary, and assured him she had not stirred out since your departure.

_Val._ Will not chambermaids lie, Vincent?

_Vin._ Will not Ranger lie, Valentine?

_Val._ The circumstances of his story proved it true.

_Vin._ Do you think so old a master in the faculty as he will want the varnish of probability for his lies?

_Val._ Do you think a woman, having the advantage of her sex, and education under such a mistress, will want impudence to disavow a truth that might be prejudicial to that mistress?

_Vin._ But if both testimonies are fallible, why will you needs believe his? we are apter to believe the things we would have, than those we would not.

_Val._ My ill luck has taught me to credit my misfortunes and doubt my happiness.

_Vin._ But fortune we know is inconstant.

_Val._ And all of her sex.

_Vin._ Will you judge of fortune by your experience, and not do your mistress the same justice? Go see her, and satisfy yourself and her; for if she be innocent, consider how culpable you are, not only in your censures of her, but in not seeing her since your coming.

_Val._ If she be innocent, I should be afraid to surprise her, for her sake; if false, I should be afraid to surprise her for my own.

_Vin._ To be jealous and not inquisitive is as hard as to love extremely and not to be something jealous.

_Val._ Inquisitiveness as seldom cures jealousy, as drinking in a fever quenches the thirst.

_Vin._ If she were at the Park last night, 'tis probable she'll not miss this. Go watch her house, see who goes out, who in; while I, in the meantime, search out Ranger: who, I'll pawn my life, upon more discourse shall avow his mistake.--Here he is; go in:--how luckily is he come! [VALENTINE _retires to the door behind._

_Enter_ RANGER.

Ranger, you have prevented me: I was going to look you out, between the scenes at the playhouse, the coffee-house, tennis-court, or Gifford's.[46]

_Ran._ Do you want a pretence to go to a bawdy-house?--but I have other visits to make.

_Vin._ I forget. I should rather have sought you in Christina's lodgings, ha! ha! ha!

_Ran._ Well, well, I'm just come to tell you that Christina--

_Vin._ Proves not, by daylight, the kind lady you followed last night out of the Park.

_Ran._ I have better news for you, to my thinking.

_Vin._ What is't?

_Ran._ Not that I have been in Christina's lodging this morning; but that she'll be presently here in your lodging with me.

_Val._ How! [_Aside._

_Vin. [Retiring, and speaking softly to_ VALENTINE.] You see now, his report was a jest, a mere jest.--[_To_ RANGER.] Well, must my lodging be your vaulting-school[47] still? thou hast appointed a wench to come hither, I find.

_Ran._ A wench! you seemed to have more reverence for Christina last night.

_Vin._ Now you talk of Christina, prithee tell me what was the meaning of thy last night's romance of Christina?

_Ran._ You shall know the meaning of all when Christina comes: she'll be here presently.

_Vin._ Who will? Christina?

_Ran._ Yes, Christina.

_Vin._ Ha! ha! ha!

_Ran._ Incredulous envy! thou art as envious as an impotent lecher at a wedding.

_Vin._ Thou art either mad, or as vain as a Frenchman newly returned home from a campaign, or obliging England.

_Ran._ Thou art as envious as a rival; but if thou art mine, there's that will make you desist; [_gives him a letter_] and if you are not my rival, entrusting you with such a secret will, I know, oblige you to keep it, and assist me against all other interests.

_Vin._ Do you think I take your secret as an obligation? don't I know, lovers, travellers, and poets, will give money to be heard? But what's the paper? a lampoon upon Christina, hatched last night betwixt squire Dapperwit and you, because her maid used you scurvily?

_Ran._ No, 'tis only a letter from her, to show my company was not so disgustful to her last night, but that she desires it again to-day.

_Val._ A letter from her! [_Aside._

_Vin._ A letter from Christina! [_Reads._]--Ha! ha! ha!

_Ran._ Nay, 'tis pleasant.

_Vin._ You mistake, I laugh at you, not the letter.

_Ran._ I am like the winning gamester, so pleased with my luck, I will not quarrel with any who calls me a fool for't.

_Vin._ Is this the style of a woman of honour?

_Ran._ It may be, for ought you know; I'm sure 'tis well if your female correspondents can read.

_Vin._ I must confess I have none of the little letters, half name or title, like your Spanish Epistles Dedicatory; but that a man so frequent in honourable intrigues as you are, should not know the summons of an impudent common woman, from that of a person of honour!

_Ran._ Christina is so much a person of honour she'll own what she has writ when she comes.

_Vin._ But will she come hither indeed?

_Ran._ Immediately. You'll excuse my liberty with you; I could not conceal such a happiness from such a friend as you, lest you should have taken it unkindly.

_Vin._ Faith, you have obliged me indeed; for you and others would often have made me believe your honourable intrigues, but never did me the honour to convince me of 'em before.

_Ran._ You are merry, I find, yet.

_Vin._ When you are happy I cannot be otherwise.

_Ran._ [_Aside._] But I lose time; I should lay a little parson in ambush, that lives hard by, in case Christina should be impatient to be revenged of her friends, as it often happens with a discontented heiress. Women, like old soldiers, more nimbly execute than they resolve. [_Going out._

_Vin._ What now! you will not disappoint a woman of Christina's quality?

_Ran._ I'll be here before she comes, I warrant you. [_Exit._

_Vin._ I do believe you truly!--What think you, Valentine?

_Val._ [_Coming forward._] I think, since she has the courage to challenge him, she'll have the honour of being first in the field.

_Vin._ Fy, your opinion of her must be as bad, as Ranger's of himself is good, to think she would write to him. I long till his bona-roba[48] comes, that you may be both disabused.

_Val._ And I have not patience to stay her coming, lest you should be disabused.

_Enter_ CHRISTINA _and_ ISABEL.

_Vin._ Here she is, i'faith; I'm glad she's come.

_Val._ And I'm sorry. But I will to my post again, lest she should say she came to me. [_Retires as before._

_Vin._ [_Aside._] By heavens, Christina herself! 'tis she! [CHRISTINA _pulls off her mask._

_Val._ 'Tis she:--cursed be these eyes! more cursed than when they first betrayed me to that false bewitching face. [_Aside._

_Chris._ You may wonder, sir, to see me here--

_Vin._ I must confess I do.

_Chris._ But the confidence your friend has in you is the cause of mine; and yet some blushes it does cost me to come to seek a man.

_Val._ Modest creature! [_Aside._

_Vin._ How am I deceived! [_Aside._

_Chris._ Where is he, sir? why does he not appear, to keep me in countenance? pray call him, sir; 'tis something hard if he should know I'm here.

_Vin._ I hardly can myself believe you are here, madam.

_Chris._ If my visit be troublesome or unseasonable, 'tis your friend's fault; I designed it not to you, sir. Pray call him out, that he may excuse it, and take it on himself, together with my shame.

_Vin._ How impatient she is! [_Aside._

_Chris._ Or do you delay the happiness I ask, to make it more welcome? I have stayed too long for it already, and cannot more desire it. Dear sir, call him out. Where is he? above, or here within? I'll snatch the favour which you will not give.--[_Goes to the door and discovers_ VALENTINE.] What! Do you hide yourself for shame?

_Val._ [_Coming forward._] I must confess I do.

_Chris._ To see me come hither--

_Val._ I acknowledge it. [VALENTINE _offers to go out._

_Chris._ Before you came to me? But whither do you go? come, I can forgive you.

_Val._ But I cannot forgive you.

_Chris._ Whither do you go? you need not forge a quarrel to prevent mine to you: nor need you try if I would follow you, you know I will;--I have, you see.

_Val._ That impudence should look so like innocence! [_Aside._

_Chris._ Whither would you go? why would you go?

_Val._ To call your servant to you.

_Chris._ She is here; what would you have with her?

_Val._ I mean your lover,--the man you came to meet.

_Chris._ Oh heavens! what lover? what man? I came to see no man but you, whom I had too long lost.

_Val._ You could not know that I was here.

_Chris._ Ask her; 'twas she that told me. [_Points to_ ISABEL.

_Val._ How could she know?

_Chris._ That you shall know hereafter.

_Val._ No, you thought me too far out of the way to disturb your assignation; and I assure you, madam, 'twas my ill-fortune, not my design: and that it may appear so, I do withdraw, as in all good breeding and civility I am obliged; for sure your wished-for lover's coming.

_Chris._ What do you mean? are you a-weary of that title?

_Val._ I am ashamed of it, since it grows common. [_Going out._

_Chris._ Nay, you will not, shall not go.

_Val._ My stay might give him jealousy, and so do you injury, and him the greatest in the world: heavens forbid! I would not make a man jealous; for though you call a thousand vows, and oaths, and tears to witness (as you safely may), that you have not the least of love for me, yet if he ever knew how I have loved you, sure he would not, could not believe you.

_Chris._ I do confess, your riddle is too hard for me to solve; therefore you are obliged to do't yourself.

_Val._ I wish it were capable of any other interpretation than what you know already.

_Chris._ Is this that generous good Valentine? who has disguised him so? [_Weeps._

_Vin._ Nay, I must withhold you then. [_Stops_ VALENTINE _going out._] Methinks she should be innocent; her tongue, and eyes, together with that flood that swells 'em, do vindicate her heart.

_Val._ They show but their long practice of dissimulation. [_Going out._