Part 9

MAM. Do. Is no projection left?

FACE. All flown, or stinks, sir.

MAM. Will nought be sav'd that's good for med'cine, think'st thou?

FACE. I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhaps, Something about the scraping of the shards, Will cure the itch,--though not your itch of mind, sir. [ASIDE.] It shall be saved for you, and sent home. Good sir, This way, for fear the lord should meet you.

[EXIT MAMMON.]

SUB [RAISING HIS HEAD]. Face!

FACE. Ay.

SUB. Is he gone?

FACE. Yes, and as heavily As all the gold he hoped for were in's blood. Let us be light though.

SUB [LEAPING UP]. Ay, as balls, and bound And hit our heads against the roof for joy: There's so much of our care now cast away.

FACE. Now to our don.

SUB. Yes, your young widow by this time Is made a countess, Face; she has been in travail Of a young heir for you.

FACE. Good sir.

SUB. Off with your case, And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should, After these common hazards.

FACE. Very well, sir. Will you go fetch Don Diego off, the while?

SUB. And fetch him over too, if you'll be pleased, sir: Would Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now!

FACE. Why, you can do't as well, if you would set to't. I pray you prove your virtue.

SUB. For your sake sir.

[EXEUNT.]

## SCENE 4.4.

ANOTHER ROOM IN THE SAME.

[ENTER SURLY AND DAME PLIANT.]

SUR. Lady, you see into what hands you are fall'n; 'Mongst what a nest of villains! and how near Your honour was t' have catch'd a certain clap, Through your credulity, had I but been So punctually forward, as place, time, And other circumstances would have made a man; For you're a handsome woman: would you were wise too! I am a gentleman come here disguised, Only to find the knaveries of this citadel; And where I might have wrong'd your honour, and have not, I claim some interest in your love. You are, They say, a widow, rich: and I'm a batchelor, Worth nought: your fortunes may make me a man, As mine have preserv'd you a woman. Think upon it, And whether I have deserv'd you or no.

DAME P. I will, sir.

SUR. And for these household-rogues, let me alone To treat with them.

[ENTER SUBTLE.]

SUB. How doth my noble Diego, And my dear madam countess? hath the count Been courteous, lady? liberal, and open? Donzel, methinks you look melancholic, After your coitum, and scurvy: truly, I do not like the dulness of your eye; It hath a heavy cast, 'tis upsee Dutch, And says you are a lumpish whore-master. Be lighter, and I will make your pockets so. [ATTEMPTS TO PICK THEM.]

SUR [THROWS OPEN HIS CLOAK]. Will you, don bawd and pickpurse? [STRIKES HIM DOWN.] how now! reel you? Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy, I'll give you equal weight.

SUB. Help! murder!

SUR. No, sir, There's no such thing intended: a good cart, And a clean whip shall ease you of that fear. I am the Spanish don "that should be cozen'd, Do you see, cozen'd?" Where's your Captain Face, That parcel broker, and whole-bawd, all rascal!

[ENTER FACE, IN HIS UNIFORM.]

FACE. How, Surly!

SUR. O, make your approach, good captain. I have found from whence your copper rings and spoons Come, now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns. 'Twas here you learned t' anoint your boot with brimstone, Then rub men's gold on't for a kind of touch, And say 'twas naught, when you had changed the colour, That you might have't for nothing. And this doctor, Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he Will close you so much gold, in a bolt's-head, And, on a turn, convey in the stead another With sublimed mercury, that shall burst in the heat, And fly out all in fumo! Then weeps Mammon; Then swoons his worship. [FACE SLIPS OUT.] Or, he is the Faustus, That casteth figures and can conjure, cures Plagues, piles, and pox, by the ephemerides, And holds intelligence with all the bawds And midwives of three shires: while you send in-- Captain!--what! is he gone?--damsels with child, Wives that are barren, or the waiting-maid With the green sickness. [SEIZES SUBTLE AS HE IS RETIRING.] --Nay, sir, you must tarry, Though he be scaped; and answer by the ears, sir.

[RE-ENTER FACE, WITH KASTRIL.]

FACE. Why, now's the time, if ever you will quarrel Well, as they say, and be a true-born child: The doctor and your sister both are abused.

KAS. Where is he? which is he? he is a slave, Whate'er he is, and the son of a whore.--Are you The man, sir, I would know?

SUR. I should be loth, sir, To confess so much.

KAS. Then you lie in your throat.

SUR. How!

FACE [TO KASTRIL]. A very errant rogue, sir, and a cheater, Employ'd here by another conjurer That does not love the doctor, and would cross him, If he knew how.

SUR. Sir, you are abused.

KAS. You lie: And 'tis no matter.

FACE. Well said, sir! He is The impudent'st rascal--

SUR. You are indeed: Will you hear me, sir?

FACE. By no means: bid him be gone.

KAS. Begone, sir, quickly.

SUR. This 's strange!--Lady, do you inform your brother.

FACE. There is not such a foist in all the town, The doctor had him presently; and finds yet, The Spanish count will come here. [ASIDE.] --Bear up, Subtle.

SUB. Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.

FACE. And yet this rogue would come in a disguise, By the temptation of another spirit, To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it!

KAS. Ay, I know--Away, [TO HIS SISTER.] you talk like a foolish mauther.

SUR. Sir, all is truth she says.

FACE. Do not believe him, sir. He is the lying'st swabber! Come your ways, sir.

SUR. You are valiant out of company!

KAS. Yes, how then, sir?

[ENTER DRUGGER, WITH A PIECE OF DAMASK.]

FACE. Nay, here's an honest fellow, too, that knows him, And all his tricks. Make good what I say, Abel, This cheater would have cozen'd thee o' the widow.-- [ASIDE TO DRUG.] He owes this honest Drugger here, seven pound, He has had on him, in two-penny'orths of tobacco.

DRUG. Yes, sir. And he has damn'd himself three terms to pay me.

FACE. And what does he owe for lotium?

DRUG. Thirty shillings, sir; And for six syringes.

SUR. Hydra of villainy!

FACE. Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o' the house.

KAS. I will: --Sir, if you get not out of doors, you lie; And you are a pimp.

SUR. Why, this is madness, sir, Not valour in you; I must laugh at this.

KAS. It is my humour: you are a pimp and a trig, And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote.

DRUG. Or a knight o' the curious coxcomb, do you see?

[ENTER ANANIAS.]

ANA. Peace to the household!

KAS. I'll keep peace for no man.

ANA. Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.

KAS. Is he the constable?

SUB. Peace, Ananias.

FACE. No, sir.

KAS. Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit, A very tim.

SUR. You'll hear me, sir?

KAS. I will not.

ANA. What is the motive?

SUB. Zeal in the young gentleman, Against his Spanish slops.

ANA. They are profane, Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.

SUR. New rascals!

KAS. Will you begone, sir?

ANA. Avoid, Sathan! Thou art not of the light: That ruff of pride About thy neck, betrays thee; and is the same With that which the unclean birds, in seventy-seven, Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts: Thou look'st like antichrist, in that lewd hat.

SUR. I must give way.

KAS. Be gone, sir.

SUR. But I'll take A course with you--

ANA. Depart, proud Spanish fiend!

SUR. Captain and doctor.

ANA. Child of perdition!

KAS. Hence, sir!-- [EXIT SURLY.] Did I not quarrel bravely?

FACE. Yes, indeed, sir.

KAS. Nay, an I give my mind to't, I shall do't.

FACE. O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame: He'll turn again else.

KAS. I'll re-turn him then.

[EXIT.]

[SUBTLE TAKES ANANIAS ASIDE.]

FACE. Drugger, this rogue prevented us for thee: We had determin'd that thou should'st have come In a Spanish suit, and have carried her so; and he, A brokerly slave! goes, puts it on himself. Hast brought the damask?

DRUG. Yes, sir.

FACE. Thou must borrow A Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players?

DRUG. Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool?

FACE. I know not, Nab:--Thou shalt, if I can help it.-- [ASIDE.] Hieronimo's old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve; I'll tell thee more when thou bring'st 'em. [EXIT DRUGGER.]

ANA. Sir, I know The Spaniard hates the brethren, and hath spies Upon their actions: and that this was one I make no scruple.--But the holy synod Have been in prayer and meditation for it; And 'tis revealed no less to them than me, That casting of money is most lawful.

SUB. True. But here I cannot do it: if the house Shou'd chance to be suspected, all would out, And we be locked up in the Tower for ever, To make gold there for the state, never come out; And then are you defeated.

ANA. I will tell This to the elders and the weaker brethren, That the whole company of the separation May join in humble prayer again.

SUB. And fasting.

ANA. Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mind Rest with these walls!

[EXIT.]

SUB. Thanks, courteous Ananias.

FACE. What did he come for?

SUB. About casting dollars, Presently out of hand. And so I told him, A Spanish minister came here to spy, Against the faithful--

FACE. I conceive. Come, Subtle, Thou art so down upon the least disaster! How wouldst thou ha' done, if I had not help't thee out?

SUB. I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i'faith.

FACE. Who would have look'd it should have been that rascal, Surly? he had dyed his beard and all. Well, sir. Here's damask come to make you a suit.

SUB. Where's Drugger?

FACE. He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit; I'll be the count, now.

SUB. But where's the widow?

FACE. Within, with my lord's sister; madam Dol Is entertaining her.

SUB. By your favour, Face, Now she is honest, I will stand again.

FACE. You will not offer it.

SUB. Why?

FACE. Stand to your word, Or--here comes Dol, she knows--

SUB. You are tyrannous still.

[ENTER DOL, HASTILY.]

FACE. Strict for my right.--How now, Dol! Hast [thou] told her, The Spanish count will come?

DOL. Yes; but another is come, You little look'd for!

FACE. Who's that?

DOL. Your master; The master of the house.

SUB. How, Dol!

FACE. She lies, This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins, Dorothy.

DOL. Look out, and see.

[FACE GOES TO THE WINDOW.]

SUB. Art thou in earnest?

DOL. 'Slight, Forty of the neighbours are about him, talking.

FACE. 'Tis he, by this good day.

DOL. 'Twill prove ill day For some on us.

FACE. We are undone, and taken.

DOL. Lost, I'm afraid.

SUB. You said he would not come, While there died one a week within the liberties.

FACE. No: 'twas within the walls.

SUB. Was't so! cry you mercy. I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?

FACE. Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock. I'll into mine old shape again and meet him, Of Jeremy, the butler. In the mean time, Do you two pack up all the goods and purchase, That we can carry in the two trunks. I'll keep him Off for to-day, if I cannot longer: and then At night, I'll ship you both away to Ratcliff, Where we will meet to-morrow, and there we'll share. Let Mammon's brass and pewter keep the cellar; We'll have another time for that. But, Dol, 'Prythee go heat a little water quickly; Subtle must shave me: all my captain's beard Must off, to make me appear smooth Jeremy. You'll do it?

SUB. Yes, I'll shave you, as well as I can.

FACE. And not cut my throat, but trim me?

SUB. You shall see, sir.

[EXEUNT.]

## ACT 5. SCENE 5.1.

BEFORE LOVEWIT'S DOOR.

ENTER LOVEWIT, WITH SEVERAL OF THE NEIGHBOURS.

LOVE. Has there been such resort, say you?

1 NEI. Daily, sir.

2 NEI. And nightly, too.

3 NEI. Ay, some as brave as lords.

4 NEI. Ladies and gentlewomen.

5 NEI. Citizens' wives.

1 NEI. And knights.

6 NEI. In coaches.

2 NEI. Yes, and oyster women.

1 NEI. Beside other gallants.

3 NEI. Sailors' wives.

4 NEI. Tobacco men.

5 NEI. Another Pimlico!

LOVE. What should my knave advance, To draw this company? he hung out no banners Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen, Or a huge lobster with six claws?

6 NEI. No, sir.

3 NEI. We had gone in then, sir.

LOVE. He has no gift Of teaching in the nose that e'er I knew of. You saw no bills set up that promised cure Of agues, or the tooth-ach?

2 NEI. No such thing, sir!

LOVE. Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

5 NEI. Neither, sir.

LOVE. What device should he bring forth now? I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment: 'Pray God he have not kept such open house, That he hath sold my hangings, and my bedding! I left him nothing else. If he have eat them, A plague o' the moth, say I! Sure he has got Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging! The friar and the nun; or the new motion Of the knight's courser covering the parson's mare; Or 't may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt Upon a table, or some dog to dance. When saw you him?

1 NEI. Who, sir, Jeremy?

2 NEI. Jeremy butler? We saw him not this month.

LOVE. How!

4 NEI. Not these five weeks, sir.

6 NEI. These six weeks at the least.

LOVE. You amaze me, neighbours!

5 NEI. Sure, if your worship know not where he is, He's slipt away.

6 NEI. Pray God, he be not made away.

LOVE. Ha! it's no time to question, then.

[KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.]

6 NEI. About Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry, As I sat up a mending my wife's stockings.

LOVE. 'Tis strange that none will answer! Didst thou hear A cry, sayst thou?

6 NEI. Yes, sir, like unto a man That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

2 NEI. I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o'clock Next morning.

LOVE. These be miracles, or you make them so! A man an hour strangled, and could not speak, And both you heard him cry?

3 NEI. Yes, downward, sir.

Love, Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee. What trade art thou on?

3 NEI. A smith, an't please your worship.

LOVE. A smith! then lend me thy help to get this door open.

3 NEI. That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools--

[EXIT.]

1 NEI. Sir, best to knock again, afore you break it.

LOVE [KNOCKS AGAIN]. I will.

[ENTER FACE, IN HIS BUTLER'S LIVERY.]

FACE. What mean you, sir?

1, 2, 4 NEI. O, here's Jeremy!

FACE. Good sir, come from the door.

LOVE. Why, what's the matter?

FACE. Yet farther, you are too near yet.

LOVE. In the name of wonder, What means the fellow!

FACE. The house, sir, has been visited.

LOVE. What, with the plague? stand thou then farther.

FACE. No, sir, I had it not.

LOVE. Who had it then? I left None else but thee in the house.

FACE. Yes, sir, my fellow, The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her A week before I spied it; but I got her Convey'd away in the night: and so I shut The house up for a month--

LOVE. How!

FACE. Purposing then, sir, To have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar, And have made it sweet, that you shou'd ne'er have known it; Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

LOVE. Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger: The neighbours tell me all here that the doors Have still been open--

FACE. How, sir!

LOVE. Gallants, men and women, And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here In threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden, In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.

FACE. Sir, Their wisdoms will not say so.

LOVE. To-day they speak Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood Went in, they tell me; and another was seen In a velvet gown at the window: divers more Pass in and out.

FACE. They did pass through the doors then, Or walls, I assure their eye-sights, and their spectacles; For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been, In this my pocket, now above twenty days: And for before, I kept the fort alone there. But that 'tis yet not deep in the afternoon, I should believe my neighbours had seen double Through the black pot, and made these apparitions! For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks And upwards the door has not been open'd.

LOVE. Strange!

1 NEI. Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

2 NEI. And I too, I'd have been sworn.

LOVE. Do you but think it now? And but one coach?

4 NEI. We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy Is a very honest fellow.

FACE. Did you see me at all?

1 NEI. No; that we are sure on.

2 NEI. I'll be sworn o' that.

LOVE. Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on!

[RE-ENTER THIRD NEIGHBOUR, WITH HIS TOOLS.]

3 NEI. Is Jeremy come!

1 NEI. O yes; you may leave your tools; We were deceived, he says.

2 NEI. He has had the keys; And the door has been shut these three weeks.

3 NEI. Like enough.

LOVE. Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

[ENTER SURLY AND MAMMON.]

FACE [ASIDE]. Surly come! And Mammon made acquainted! they'll tell all. How shall I beat them off? what shall I do? Nothing's more wretched than a guilty conscience.

SUR. No, sir, he was a great physician. This, It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel! You knew the lord and his sister.

MAM. Nay, good Surly.--

SUR. The happy word, BE RICH--

MAM. Play not the tyrant.--

SUR. "Should be to-day pronounced to all your friends." And where be your andirons now? and your brass pots, That should have been golden flagons, and great wedges?

MAM. Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors, Methinks!

SUR. Ay, now 'tis holiday with them.

MAM. Rogues, [HE AND SURLY KNOCK.] Cozeners, impostors, bawds!

FACE. What mean you, sir?

MAM. To enter if we can.

FACE. Another man's house! Here is the owner, sir: turn you to him, And speak your business.

MAM. Are you, sir, the owner?

LOVE. Yes, sir.

MAM. And are those knaves within your cheaters!

LOVE. What knaves, what cheaters?

MAM. Subtle and his Lungs.

FACE. The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs, Nor lights have been seen here these three weeks, sir, Within these doors, upon my word.

SUR. Your word, Groom arrogant!

FACE. Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper, And know the keys have not been out of my hands.

SUR. This is a new Face.

FACE. You do mistake the house, sir: What sign was't at?

SUR. You rascal! this is one Of the confederacy. Come, let's get officers, And force the door.

LOVE. 'Pray you stay, gentlemen.

SUR. No, sir, we'll come with warrant.

MAM. Ay, and then We shall have your doors open.

[EXEUNT MAM. AND SUR.]

LOVE. What means this?

FACE. I cannot tell, sir.

I NEI. These are two of the gallants That we do think we saw.

FACE. Two of the fools! Your talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir, I think the moon has crazed 'em all.-- [ASIDE.] O me, [ENTER KASTRIL.] The angry boy come too! He'll make a noise, And ne'er away till he have betray'd us all.

KAS [KNOCKING]. What rogues, bawds, slaves, you'll open the door, anon! Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this light I'll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore To keep your castle--

FACE. Who would you speak with, sir?

KAS. The bawdy doctor, and the cozening captain, And puss my suster.

LOVE. This is something, sure.

FACE. Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

KAS. I have heard all their tricks told me twice over, By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

LOVE. Here comes another.

[ENTER ANANIAS AND TRIBULATION.]

FACE. Ananias too! And his pastor!

TRI [BEATING AT THE DOOR]. The doors are shut against us.

ANA. Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire! Your stench it is broke forth; abomination Is in the house.

KAS. Ay, my suster's there.

ANA. The place, It is become a cage of unclean birds.

KAS. Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.

TRI. You shall do well.

ANA. We'll join to weed them out.

KAS. You will not come then, punk devise, my sister!

ANA. Call her not sister; she's a harlot verily.

KAS. I'll raise the street.

LOVE. Good gentlemen, a word.

ANA. Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!

[EXEUNT ANA., TRIB., AND KAST.]

LOVE. The world's turn'd Bethlem.

FACE. These are all broke loose, Out of St. Katherine's, where they use to keep The better sort of mad-folks.

1 NEI. All these persons We saw go in and out here.

2 NEI. Yes, indeed, sir.

3 NEI. These were the parties.

FACE. Peace, you drunkards! Sir, I wonder at it: please you to give me leave To touch the door, I'll try an the lock be chang'd.

LOVE. It mazes me!

FACE [GOES TO THE DOOR]. Good faith, sir, I believe There's no such thing: 'tis all deceptio visus.-- [ASIDE.] Would I could get him away.

DAP [WITHIN]. Master captain! master doctor!

LOVE. Who's that?

FACE. Our clerk within, that I forgot! [ASIDE.] I know not, sir.

DAP [WITHIN]. For God's sake, when will her grace be at leisure?

FACE. Ha! Illusions, some spirit o' the air-- [ASIDE.] His gag is melted, And now he sets out the throat.

DAP [WITHIN]. I am almost stifled--

FACE [ASIDE]. Would you were altogether.

LOVE. 'Tis in the house. Ha! list.

FACE. Believe it, sir, in the air.

LOVE. Peace, you.

DAP [WITHIN]. Mine aunt's grace does not use me well.

SUB [WITHIN]. You fool, Peace, you'll mar all.

FACE [SPEAKS THROUGH THE KEYHOLE, WHILE LOVEWIT ADVANCES TO THE DOOR UNOBSERVED]. Or you will else, you rogue.

LOVE. O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!-- Come, sir. No more of your tricks, good Jeremy. The truth, the shortest way.

FACE. Dismiss this rabble, sir.-- [ASIDE.] What shall I do? I am catch'd.

LOVE. Good neighbours, I thank you all. You may depart. [EXEUNT NEIGHBOURS.] --Come, sir, You know that I am an indulgent master; And therefore conceal nothing. What's your medicine, To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl?