Part 5

121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered that word, _Touch Me not_, _Mary_, etc., I have seen as if He had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.

112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: _And I beheld_, _and_, _to_, _in the midst of the throne_, _and of the four beasts_, _and in the midst of the elders_, _stood a Lamb_, _as it had been slain_. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in this, _For unto us a Child is born_, _unto us a Son is given_; _and the government shall be upon His shoulder_: _and His name shall be called Wonderful_, _Counsellor_, _the Mighty God_, _the Everlasting Father_, _the Prince of Peace_, etc. Isa. ix. 6.

123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.

124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:—

‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.

‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc.

‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.

‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the saints.

‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the church-yard, shall not arise again.

‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.

‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on mount _Calvary_, in the land of _Canaan_, by _Jerusalem_, was not ascended above the starry heavens.

‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all nations,’ etc.

125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the scripture. _O friends_! _cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you_; _there is none teacheth like Him_.

126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.

127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.

128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of _Martin Luther’s_; it was his Comment on the _Galatians_; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, _This man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now_, _but must needs write and speak the experience of former days_.

130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of _Moses_, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of

## particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall

before all men—I do prefer this book of _Martin Luther_ upon the _Galatians_ (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.

131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as _Job_ said, _I thought I should die in my nest_; but I did quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.

133. And that was, _To sell and part with this most blessed Christ_, _to exchange Him for the things of this life_, _for any thing_. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.

134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; _The land shall not be sold for ever_, _for the land is mine_, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.

135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, _Sell Christ for this_, _or sell Christ for that_; _sell Him_, _sell Him_.

136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_: against which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.

137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, _Sell Him_; _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_; _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands of worlds_: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.

138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, _Now I am at meat_; _let me make an end_. No, said he, _you must do it now_, _or you will displease God_, _and despise Christ_. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.

139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, _To sell and part with Christ_; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, as fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, _No_, _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands_, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!

140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: _Or profane persons as Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_: _for ye know_, _how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.

143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, _The blood of Christ remits all guilt_. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, _The blood of Jesus Christ His Son_, _cleanseth us from all sin_. 1 John i. 7.

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me; _For ye know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.

146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. 31, _I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not_; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: _All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men_, _and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme_. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. _But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost_, _hath never forgiveness_, _but is in danger of eternal damnation_. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: _For you know how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. And this stuck always with me.

149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, _that it were with me as in months past_, _as in the days when God preserved me_! Job xxix. 2.

151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered _David’s_ adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of _Moses_, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the _great transgression_? Ps. xix. 13. Must _that wicked one_ touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?

153. What, thought I, is there but _one_ sin that is unpardonable? but _one_ sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must I be guilty of _that_? must it needs be that? Is there but one _sin_ among _so many_ millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy _sin_! Oh! unhappy _man_! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, _You know_, _how_, _that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_. _Oh_! _no one knows the terrors of those days but myself_.

154. After this I began to consider of _Peter’s_ sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but _a denial of his Master_, but mine was, _a selling of my Saviour_. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to _Judas_, than either to _David_ or _Peter_.

155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.

156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.