Part 7

183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_, _the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_, _despised_, _and abused_. _This is the only Saviour_, _the only Redeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in your heart_, Let Him go, if He will. _Now_, _therefore_, _you are severed from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His goodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. _The dread of them was upon me_, _and I trembled at God’s Samuels_. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my loss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_, _He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my sin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_; _neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when He hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from heaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity me_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; _Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more dominion over Him_. Rom. vi. 9.

186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed, _But in all these_, _I was as those that jostle against the rocks_; _more broken_, _scattered and rent_. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation! _This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead_; _that is always crying out_, _and cutting himself with stones_. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.

187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.

188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself with a grievous sigh, _How can God comfort such a wretch_! I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: _This sin is not unto death_. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, _Lord_, _how couldst Thou find out such a word as this_! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; my fears before _were_, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if _this sin_ is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they.

189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.

190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love_. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I will love thee for ever_.

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.

193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should stand_? _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be feared_. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_, _that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their transgressions_.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy mouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my refreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me think what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find no such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_. John x. 35.

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. _For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted of the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and have tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_, _if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_. Heb. vi. 4–6. _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_, _which shall devour the adversaries_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _As Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_. _For ye know how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

199. For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_, yet I was glad it was but _for many days_. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That neither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but in vain to pray_. Yet, thought I, _I will pray_. _But_, said the tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_. Well, said I, _I will pray_. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, _I will pray_. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_, _Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ’s blood_, _is sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst_? _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing Thou wilt and canst_.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no more_? _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_? _Doth His promise fail for evermore_? _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_? _Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies_? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’_Tis a question whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, _Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He is able_. But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about _the sufficiency of grace_, and _that_ of _Esau’s_ parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.