Part 6

157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! He would let _David_, _Hezekiah_, _Solomon_, _Peter_, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of _Judas_, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that _Judas_ did this intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of _Esau’s_ fall in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.

159. Yet this consideration about _Judas’s_ sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.

160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.

161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: _For if these things should indeed be true_, _yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present_. _If you must perish_, _never torment yourself so much beforehand_: _drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind_, _by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that_ Atheists _and_ Ranters _use to help themselves withal_.

162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, ’_Tis too late_, _I am lost_, _God hath let me fall_; _not to my correction_, _but condemnation_: _my sin is unpardonable_; _and I know_, _concerning Esau_, _how that after he had sold his birthright_, _he would have received the blessing_, _but was rejected_. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his

## actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth,

his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, _Man knows the beginning of sin_? _but who bounds the issues thereof_? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; _For you know how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.

164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by _falling headlong_, _he burst asunder in the midst_, _and all his bowels gushed out_. Acts i. 18.

165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on _Cain_, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother _Abel_. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, _He hath received gifts for the rebellious_. Psalm lxviii. 18. The _rebellious_, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by _that_ place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the _saints_ in

## particular, and found _mine_ went beyond them, then I began to think with

myself, Set the case I should put _all theirs_ together, and _mine alone_ against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if _mine_, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of _David_, of _Solomon_, of _Manasseh_, of _Peter_, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.

169. I should think with myself that _David_ shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of _Ammon_; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?

170. Then I thought on _Solomon_, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; _but I had sold my Saviour_, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.

171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_; _you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.

172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was point blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.

173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick cloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, _Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return unto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_, _return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._

174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, _Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ_? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, _No_. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, _See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh_. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; _I thought then what here I should be loth to speak_. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair again.

175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, _That I ought not to pray to God_, _for prayer was not for any in my case_; _neither could it do me good_, _because I had rejected the Mediator_, _by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father_; _and without Whom_, _no prayer could come into His presence_: _wherefore now to pray_, _is but to add sin to sin_; _yea_, _now to pray_, _seeing God has cast you off_, _is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before_.

177. _For God_ (saith he) _hath been weary of you for these several years already_, _because you are none of His_; _your bawlings in His ears_, _hath been no pleasant voice to Him_; _and therefore He let you sin this sin_, _that you might be quite cut off_; _and will you pray still_? This the devil urged, and set forth that in _Numbers_, when _Moses_ said to the children _of Israel_, _That because they would not go up to possess the land_, _when God would have them_, _therefore for ever after He did bar them out from thence_, _though they prayed they might with tears_. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar_, _that he may die_; even as _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer_. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_ would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!

179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I have rejected them_. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, _Pray not for him_, _for I have rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: _Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues thereof_?

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, _He thought so too_. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

[Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]

181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, _That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to displeasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we might be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.

182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_, _and who can turn Him_! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_. Acts iv. 12.