Part 6

_Lov_. Now is this rascal hunting after jests, to make himself the greatest to all that know him.

_Bib_. This must be me.

_Boy_. I can hear neither tale nor tidings of him: I have searched him in all his haunts; amongst his creditors; and in all companies where they are like to break the least jest. I have visited the coffee-houses for him; but among all the news there, I heard none of him.

_Bib_. Good, i' faith.

_Lov_. Where's the warrant? I'll put in my own name, since I cannot find him.

_Boy_. Sir, I gave it a scrivener at next door, because I could not write, to fill up the blank place with Mr Bibber's name.

_Lov_. What an unlucky vermin 'tis! now, for an hundred pound, could I have gratified him with a waiter's place at the custom-house, that had been worth to him an hundred pound a-year upon the nail.

_Bib_. Could you so, could you so, sir? give me your hand, and I thank you heartily, Mr Loveby.

_Lov_. Art thou honest Will? faith, 'tis not worth thy thanks, till it be done: I wish I had the money for thee.

_Bib_. How much is't, sir?

_Lov_. An hundred pounds would do it.

_Bib_. Let me see: forty, I have already by me; take that in part, sir;--and that, and the lease of my house, would over-do it.

_Lov_. By all means thy lease, Will: ne'er scruple at that; hang a piece of parchment, and two bits of soft wax! thou shalt do't, thou shalt, boy.

_Bib_. Why, then I will, sir:--But stay, stay: now I think on't, Frances has one hundred and twenty pieces of old grandam-and-aunt gold left her, that she would never let me touch: if we could get that, Mr Loveby! but she'll never part with it.

_Lov_. Tis but saying the place is for her; a waiting woman's place in the custom-house: Boy, go, and tell her on't immediately. [_Exit Boy_

_Bib_. Hold a little; she has been very desirous to get a place in court, that she might take place as the queen's servant.

_Lov_. She shall have a dresser's place, if thou'lt keep counsel. The worst on't is, I have never a warrant ready.

_Bib_. 'Tis all one for that, sir; she can neither write nor read; 'tis but my telling her 'tis a warrant, and all's well. I can't but laugh to think how she'll be choused.

_Lov_. And you too: [_Aside_.] Mum, she's here, Will.

_Enter_ FRANCES.

_Franc_. A waiting-woman's place in the custom-house! there's news for me! thank you, kind Mr Loveby; you have been instrumental, I hear, of my preferment.

_Lov_. No, 'tis a dresser's place at court, landlady.

_Franc_. O gemini! that's better news.

_Bib_. Aye, but you must make haste and fetch an hundred pieces: I can assure you five hundred are bidden for it: And the courtiers are such slippery youths, they are ever for the fairest chapman.

_Franc_. I'll fetch it presently;--oh how my heart quops now, as they say: I'll fetch it presently: Sweet Mr Loveby, if the business can be done, it shall be a good thing in your worship's way, I promise you: O the father! that it could be done: O sweet father! [Loveby _plucks out a paper_.

_Lov_. Here, Mr Bibber, pray put in Madam Bibber's name into the warrant.

_Bib_. Madam Bibber! there's joy!--I must call you wife no more, 'tis Madam Bibber now.

_Franc_. Pray read it, Mr Bibber.

_Bib_. An order for the admission of the illustrious lady, Madam Bibber, into her majesty's service.

_Franc_. Pray give me the paper, I'll have nobody touch it but myself; I am sure my money pays for it, as they say. These are the finest words; Madam Bibber! pray, chicken, shew me where Madam is written, that I may kiss it all over. I shall make bold now to bear up to those flirting gentlewomen, that sweep it up and down with their long tails. I thought myself as good as they, when I was as I was; but now I am as I am.

_Lov_. Good landlady, dispatch, and bring the money--

_Franc_. Truly, in the place of a dresser, I dare be bold to say, as they say, I shall give their majesties worships good content: I'll go fetch it.

[_Exit_ FRANCES.

_Bib_. We must keep the poor soul in ignorance as long as we can, sir; for when she has once smoked it, I have no other way but to retreat into the body of my janizaries, my journey-men; and never come out into her presence more. Where will you be at nine o'clock, sir, that we may rejoice over our good fortune?

_Lov_. Call me at my Lord Nonsuch's house, and I'll go with you.

_Bib_. We'll have the fiddles, and triumph, i'faith.

[_Exit_ BIBBER.

_Lov_. Lord, how eager this vermin was to cheat himself! Well, I'll after; I long to finger these Jacobus's: Perhaps they may make my peace again with my mistress.

[_Exit _LOVEBY.

## SCENE II.

_Enter_ FAILER _and_ NONSUCH. [CONSTANCE _and_ ISABELLA _listening_.]

_Fail_. I vow to gad, my lord, Sir Timorous is the most dejected person in the world, and full of regret for what is past. 'Twas his misfortune to be drawn in by such a person as Madam Isabella.

_Non_. Tis well his estate pleads for him; he should ne'er set foot more within my doors else.

_Fail_. I'll be security for him for time to come: Leave it to me to get the licence: All I desire is, your daughter may be ready to-morrow morning.

_Non_. Well, let me alone with her.

[_Exeunt_ FAILER _and_ NONSUCH.

_Isa_. You heard the dreadful sound, to-morrow, cousin.

_Const_. I would not throw myself away upon this fool, if I could help it.

_Isa_. Better marry a tertian ague than a fool, that's certain; there's one good day and night in that.

_Const_. And yet thou art mad for him thyself.

_Isa_. Nay, the fool is a handsome fool, that's somewhat; but 'tis not that; 'tis a kind of fancy I have taken to a glass coach, and six Flanders mares; rich liveries, and a good fortune.

_Const_. Pr'ythee do not mind me of 'em; for though I want 'em not, yet I find all women are caught with gaieties: One grain more would turn the balance on his side; I am so vexed at the wild courses of this Loveby.

_Isa_. Vexed? why vexed? the worst you can say of him is, he loves women: And such make the kindest husbands, I'm told. If you had a sum of money to put out, you would not look so much whether the man were an honest man, (for the law would make him that) as if he were a good sufficient pay-master.

_Enter_ SETSTONE.

_Const_. As I live, thou art a mad girl.

_Set_. She must be used as mad folks are then; had into the dark and cured.

_Const_. But all this is no comfort to the word, to-morrow.

_Isa_. Well, what say you, if I put you to-night into the arms of Loveby?

_Const_. My condition's desperate, and past thy physic.

_Isa_. When physic's past, what remains but to send for the divine? here's little Nicodemus, your father's chaplain: I have spoke with him already; for a brace of angels he shall make all sure betwixt you without a license; aye, and prove ten at night a more canonical hour than ten i'the morning.

_Const_. I see not which way thou can'st perform it; but if thou do'st, I have many admirations in store for thee. [_Whispers_.

_Isa_. Step in, and get a cushion underneath your apron.

_Const_. O, I must be with child, it seems!

_Isa_. And Loveby shall bring you to bed to-night, if the devil be not in the dice: away, make haste;--[_Exit_ CONSTANCE.] Setstone, be not you far off: I shall have need of you too: I hear my uncle coming--Methinks I long to be revenged of this wicked elder, for hindering of my marriage to-day: Hark you, Setstone-- [_Whispers;_

_Set_. Tis impossible, madam; 'twill never take.

_Isa_. I warrant you; do not I know him? he has not brains enough, if they were buttered, to feed a blackbird--Nay, no replies--out of what I have said, you may instruct my cousin too.

[_Exit_ SETSTONE.

_Enter_ NONSUCH.

_Isa_. Oh, are you there, sir? Faith, it was kindly done of you to hinder me of a good husband this afternoon: And but for one thing, I would resolve to leave your house.

_Non_. I'm glad there's any thing will stay thee.

_Isa_. If I stay, 'tis for love of my cousin Constance, not of you: I should be loth to leave her in this sad condition.

_Non_. What condition?

_Isa_. Nay, I know not; she has not worn her busk this fortnight. I think she's grown fat o'the sudden.

_Non_. O devil, devil! what a fright I'm in!

_Isa_. She has qualms too every morning: ravens mightily for green fruit; and swoons at the sight of hot meat.

_Non_. She's with child: I am undone! I am undone!

_Isa_. I understand nothing of such matters: She's but in the next room; best call her, and examine her about it.

_Non_. Why Constance, Constance!

_Enter_ CONSTANCE, _as with child_.

_Isa_. Now for a broad-side; turn your prow to him, cousin.

[_To her_.

_Non_. Now, gentlewoman! is this possible?

_Const_. I do not reach your meaning, sir.

_Non_. Where have you been of late?

_Const_. I seldom stir without you, sir: These walls most commonly confine me.

_Non_. These walls can get no children; nor these hangings; though there be men wrought in 'em.

_Isa_. Yet, by your favour, nuncle, children may be wrought behind the hangings.

_Non_. O Constance, Constance! How have my grey hairs deserved this of thee? Who got that belly there?

_Const_. You, I hope, sir.

_Non_. Tell me the truth, for I will know it; come, the story.

_Const_. The story's quickly told, sir; I am with child.

_Non_. And who is the father?

_Const_. I do not know, sir.

_Non_. Not know! went there so many to't?

_Const_. So far from that, that there were none at all, to my best knowledge, sir.

_Non_. Was't got by miracle? Who was the father?

_Const_. Who got your money, sir, that you have lost?

_Non_. Nay, Heaven knows who got that.

_Const_. And, Heaven knows who got this: for, on my conscience, he, that had your money, was the father on't.

_Non_. The devil it was as soon.

_Const_. That's all I fear, sir.

_Isa_. 'Tis strange;--and yet 'twere hard, sir, to suspect my cousin's virtue, since we know the house is haunted.

_Non_. 'Tis true, that nothing can be laid, though under lock and key, but it miscarries.

_Isa_. 'Tis not to be believed, what these villainous spirits can do: they go invisible.

_Const_. First, they stole away my prayer-book; and, a little after that, a small treatise I had against temptation; and when they were gone, you know, sir--

_Isa_. If there be such doings, pray heaven we are not all with child. 'Tis certain, that none live within these walls, but they have power of: I have reared Toby, the coachman, any time this fortnight.

_Non_. Out, impudence! A man with child! why 'tis unnatural.

_Isa_. Ay, so is he that got it.

_Non_. Thou art not in earnest?

_Isa_. I would I were not:--Hark! I hear him groan hither. Come in, poor Toby.

_Enter_ TOBY, _the coachman, with an urinal_.

_Non_. How now! what have you there, sirrah?

_Tob_. An't please your worship, 'tis my water. I had a spice o'the new disease here i'the house; and so carried it to master doctor.

_Non_. Well; and what did he say to you?

_Tob_. He told me very sad news, an' please you: I am somewhat bashful to speak on't.

_Isa_. Out with it, man.

_Tob_. Why, truly, he told me, the party that owned the water was with child.

_Isa_. I told you so, uncle.

_Non_. To my best remembrance, I never heard of such a thing before.

_Tob_. I never stretch out myself to snap my whip, but it goes to the heart of me.

_Isa_. Alas, poor Toby!

_Non_. Begone, and put off your livery, sirrah!--You shall not stay a minute in my service.

_Tob_. I beseech your good worship, be good to me; 'twas the first fault I ever committed in this kind. I have three poor children by my wife; and if you leave me to the wide world, with a new charge upon myself--

_Non_. Begone! I will not hear a word.

_Tob_. If I must go, I'll not go alone: Ambrose Tinis, the cook, is as bad as I am.

_Non_. I think you'll make me mad. Call the rascal hither! I must account with him on another score, now I think on't.

_Enter_ AMBROSE TINIS.

_Non_. Sirrah, what made you send a pheasant with one wing to the table yesterday?

_Amb_. I beseech your worship to pardon me; I longed for't.

_Isa_. I feared as much.

_Amb_. And I beseech your worship let me have a boy, to help me in the kitchen; for I find myself unable to go through with the work. Besides, the doctor has warned me of stooping to the fire, for fear of a mischance.

_Non_. Why, are you with child, sirrah?

_Amb_. So he tells me; but, if I were put to my oath, I know not that ever I deserved for't.

_Non_. Still worse and worse. And here comes Setstone groaning.

_Enter_ SETSTONE.

_Set_. O, sir! I have been so troubled with swooning fits; and have so longed for cherries!

_Non_. He's poopt too.

_Isa_. Well, this is not the worst yet: I suspect something more than I will speak of.

_Non_. What dost thou suspect, ha!

_Isa_. Is not your lordship with child, too?

_Non_. Who, I with child! marry, heaven forbid! What dost thou see by me, to ground it on?

_Isa_. You're very round of late;--that's all, sir.

_Non_. Round! that's only fat, I hope. I have had a very good stomach of late, I'm sure.

_Isa_. Alas, and well you may;--You eat for two, sir.

_Non_. Setstone, look upon me, and tell me true: Do you observe any alteration in me?

_Set_. I would not dishearten your ladyship--your lordship, I would say--but I have observed, of late, your colour goes and comes extremely. Methinks your lordship looks very sharp, and bleak i'the face, and mighty puffed i'the body.

_Non_. O, the devil! Wretched men, that we are all! Nothing grieves me, but that, in my old age, when others are past child-bearing, I should come to be a disgrace to my family.

_Const_. How do you, sir? Your eyes look wondrous dim. Is not there a mist before 'em?

_Isa_. Do you not feel a kicking in your belly--When do you look, uncle?

_Non_. Uh, uh!--Methinks, I am very sick o'the sudden.

_Isa_. What store of old shirts have you against the good time? Shall I give you a shift, uncle?

_Non_. Here's like to be a fine charge towards! We shall all be brought to-bed together! Well, if I be with devil, I will have such gossips: an usurer, and a scrivener, shall be godfathers.

_Isa_. I'll help you, uncle; and Sawney's two grannies shall be godmothers. The child shall be christened by the directory; and the gossips' gifts shall be the gude Scotch kivenant.

_Const. Set. Non. Tob. Amb_. Uh! uh! uh!

_Isa_. What rare music's here!

_Non_. Whene'er it comes from me, 'twill kill me; that's certain.

_Set_. Best take a vomit.

_Isa_. An't come upward, the horns will choke him.

_Non_. Mass! and so they will.

_Isa_. Your only way, is to make sure o'the man-midwife.

_Non_. But my child's dishonour troubles me the most. If I could but see her well married, before I underwent the labour and peril of child-bearing!--What would you advise, niece?

_Isa_. That which I am very loth to do. Send for honest Jack Loveby, and let him know the truth on't: He's a fellow without a fortune, and will be glad to leap at the occasion.

_Non_. But why Loveby, of all the world? 'Tis but staying 'till to-morrow, and then Sir Timorous will marry her.

_Const_. Uh!--I swell so fast, I cannot hide it 'till to-morrow.

_Isa_. Why, there's it now!

_Non_. I'll send for the old alderman, Getwell, immediately: He'll father the devil's bastard, I warrant you.

_Isa_. Fie, uncle! my cousin's somewhat too good yet for an alderman. If it were her third child, she might hearken to you.

_Non_. Well, since it must be so, Setstone, go you to Loveby; make my excuse to him for the arrest, and let him know, what fortune may attend him.

_Isa_. Mr Setstone, pray acquaint him with my cousin's affection to him; and prepare him to father the cushion underneath her petticoat.

[_Aside to_ SETSTONE. _Exit_.]

_Set_. I'll bring him immediately.

_Isa_. When he comes, uncle, pray cover your great belly with your hat, that he may not see it.

_Non_. It goes against my heart to marry her to this Loveby; but, what must be, must be.

_Enter_ LOVEBY.

_Const_. O, Mr Loveby! The welcomest man alive! You met Setstone, I hope, that you came so opportunely?

_Lov_. No, faith, madam; I came of my own accord.

_Isa_. 'Tis unlucky; he's not prepared.

_Lov_. Look you, madam, I have brought the hundred pounds; the devil was as punctual as three o' clock at a playhouse. Here; 'tis right, I warrant it, without telling: I took it upon his word.

[_Gives it_.

_Const_. Your kindness shall be requited, servant: But I sent for you upon another business. Pray, cousin, tell it him, for I am ashamed to do't.

_Lov_. Ha! 'tis not that great belly, I hope. Is't come to that?

_Isa_. Hark you, Mr Loveby; a word with you.

_Lov_. A word with you, madam: Whither is your cousin bound?

_Isa_. Bound, sir?

_Lov_. Ay, bound: Look you, she's under sail, with a lusty fore-wind.

_Non_. I sent for you, sir; but, to be plain with you, 'twas more out of necessity than love.

_Lov_. I wonder, my lord, at your invincible ill-nature. You forget the arrest, that I passed by: But this it is to be civil to unthankful persons; 'tis feeding an ill-natured dog, that snarls while he takes victuals from your hand.

_Non_. All friends! all friends! No ripping up old stories; you shall have my daughter.

_Lov_. Faith, I see your lordship would let lodgings ready furnished; but I am for an empty tenement.

_Non_. I had almost forgot my own great belly. If he should discover that too! [_Claps his hat before it_.

_Isa. [To Lov_.] You will not hear me, sir. 'Tis all roguery, as I live.

_Lov_. Flat roguery, I'll swear! If I had been father on't, nay, if I had but laid my breeches upon the bed, I would have married her: But I see we are not ordained for one another.

[_Is going_.

_Non_. I beseech you, sir.

_Lov_. Pray cover, my lord.

_Isa_. He does his great belly, methinks.

_Non_. I'll make it up in money to you.

_Lov_. That cannot tempt me. I have a friend, that shall be nameless, that will not see me want; and so, your servant.

[_Exit_ LOVEBY.

_Isa_. I'll after, and bring him back.

_Non_. You shall not stir after him;--Does he scorn my daughter?

_Isa_. Lord, how fretful you are! This breeding makes you so peevish, uncle.

_Non_. 'Tis no matter, she shall straight be married to Sir Timorous.

_Const_. I am ruined, cousin.

[_Aside_.

_Isa_. I warrant you.--My lord, I wish her well married to Sir Timorous; but Loveby will certainly infect him with the news of her great belly.

_Non_. I'll dispatch it, ere he can speak with him.

_Isa_. Whene'er he comes, he'll see what a _bona roba_ she is grown.

_Non_. Therefore, it shall be done i'the evening.

_Isa_. It shall, my lord.

_Const_. Shall it?

[Aside.

_Isa_. Let me alone, cousin.--And to this effect she shall write to him, that, to conform to your will, and his modesty, she desires him to come hither alone this evening.

_Non_. Excellent wench!--I'll get my chaplain ready.

[_Exit_ NONSUCH.

_Const_. How can you hope to deceive my father?

_Isa_. If I don't, I have hard luck.

_Const_. You go so strange a way about, your bowl must be well bias'd to come in.

_Isa_. So plain a ground, there's not the least rub in't. I'll meet Sir Timorous in the dark; and, in your room, marry him.

_Const_. You'll be sure to provide for one.

_Isa_. You mistake me, cousin:--Oh! here's Setstone again.

_Enter_ SETSTONE.

Mr Jeweller, you must again into your devil's shape, and speak with Loveby. But pray be careful not to be discovered.

_Set_. I warrant you, madam. I have cozened wiser men than he in my own shape; and, if I cannot continue it in a worse, let the devil, I make bold with, e'en make as bold with me.

_Isa_. You must guide him, by back ways, to my uncle's house, and so to my cousin's chamber, that he may not know where he is when he comes there. The rest I'll tell you as we go along.

[_Exeunt_.

## SCENE III.

_Enter_ TIMOROUS; _after him_ BURR _and_ FAILER.

_Tim_. Here, here, read this note; there's news for us.

_Fail_. Let me see't. [_Reads_.

_Sir Timorous, Be at the garden-door at nine this evening; there I'll receive you with my daughter. To gratify your modesty I designed this way, after I had better considered on it: and pray leave your caterpillars, Burr and Failer, behind you. Yours,_ Nonsuch.

There is some trick in this, whate'er it be. But this word, caterpillars--You see, Burr, Sir Timorous is like to be lured from us. [_Aside_.

_Burr_. Is there no prevention? [_Aside_.

_Fail_. One way there is.--Sir Timorous, pray walk a turn, while Burr and I confer a little upon this matter.--Look you, Burr, there is but one remedy in nature, I vow to gad; that is, for you to have a new Sir Timorous, exceeding this person in bounty to you. Observe, then; in Sir Timorous' place will I go, and, egad, I'll marry my lady Constance; and then, from the bowels of friendship, bless thee with a thousand pounds, besides lodging and diet for thy life, boy.

_Burr_. Umph, very well thought on.--No, sir! you shall trust to my bounty; I'll go in his place. Murmur or repine, speak the least word, or give thy lips the least motion, and I'll beat thee till thou art not in condition to go.

_Fail_. I vow to gad, this is extreme injustice.--Was it not my invention?

_Burr_. Why, dost thou think thou art worthy to make use of thy own invention?--Speak another word, d'ye see!--Come, help me quickly to strip Sir Timorous; his coat may conduce to the deceit.--Sir Timorous, by your leave. [_Fatts on him_.

_Tim_. O, Lord! what's the matter?--Murder? murder!

_Burr_. D'ye open? I have something in my pocket that will serve for a gag, now I think on't.

[_Gags, and binds him_.

So, lie there, knight. Come, sir, and help to make me Sir Timorous; and, when I am married, remember to increase your manners with my fortune.--Yet we'll always drink together. [_Exeunt_.

## ACT V. SCENE I.

_Enter_ CONSTANCE, ISABELLA, _and_ NONSUCH.

_Const_. This is just the knight's hour; and lovers seldom come after their time.

_Non_. Good night, daughter; I'll to bed, and give you joy to-morrow morning. [_Exit_.

_Isa_. I'm glad he's gone: What, your train takes?