Part 2
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.
Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers? Because it won’t do for them to crack up their goods.
What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband.
Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he requires bailing out.
When does a ship tell a falsehood? When she lies at the wharf.
When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new star.
What is the difference between a mother and a barber? The latter has razors to shave and the former has shavers to raise.
Why are pianos noble characters? Because they are grand, upright, and square.
What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated? Toasts.
When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When it’s rung for dinner.
Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? Because it never shows the white feather.
Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose).
Why are some girls like old muskets? Because they use a good deal of powder, but won’t go off.
What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an’ he licks her).
Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing.
What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, and the other is cappy and hairless.
Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned the fall of man.
What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin.
If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to get another? To a grog-shop, because bad spirits are retailed there.
Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her).
Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store like a house on fire? Because it starts all the bells (belles) in the city.
Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard).
If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? Chaucer (chaw, sir).
Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his business makes him sell fish.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony.
Why can a blind man always see his father? Because the father is always apparent (a parent).
What does Washington, D. C., stand for? Washington, daddy of his country.
Why was a defeated candidate after the late election, like the earth? Because he was flattened at the poles.
When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.
What ailment is the oak most subject to? A corn (acorn).
Why does a horse eat in a very odd way? Because he eats best when he has not a bit in his mouth.
What is the only organ without stops? A woman’s organ of speech.
Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A hole in the tay-kettle.
Why is man superior to woman? Because woman is only a side issue.
Why is a lady when sick at sea like some of our literary men? Because she is a contributor to the _Atlantic_.
Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? “Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.”
What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress? A little above two feet.
Why is a man who never bets as bad as a gambler? Because he is no bettor (better).
When is a cigar like dried beef? When it is smoked.
What table has no legs to stand upon? The multiplication table.
How do young ladies sometimes show their dislike to mustaches? By setting their faces against them.
Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? Because there are three scruples to a dram.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it’s down in the mouth.
What is that which we often return, but never borrow? Thanks.
What animals are always seen at funerals? Black kids.
What is the difference between a French pastry cook and a bill sticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it’s so low (solo).
Why is a dog biting his tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet.
Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by day? Because at night he is let out, and in the day he is taken in.
Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt before the battle.
At what game do the waves of the sea play? At pitch and toss.
Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep? Because for every grain they give a peck.
What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his wife over a bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other is pitch her in the water.
When is a young lady not a young lady? When she’s a sweet tart (sweetheart).
What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears).
Why should architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at drawing houses.
What weapon does a young man use if he kisses a young lady by mistake? A blunderbuss.
What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.
What should a clergyman preach about? About a half of an hour.
Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it.
What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library? A cat alogue.
What sea would a man like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic).
Why was the French Empress always in bad company? Because she was always surrounded by Paris-ites.
When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent).
What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel.
Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever erected? Because it was partly built for one sovereign, and finished for another.
What is the difference between a cradle and the grave? The one is for the first-born, the other for the last bourne.
How is an elephant’s head different from every other head? Because, if you cut his head off from his body, you don’t take it from the trunk.
Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he prefers “zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer.”
Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and then cured.
Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey? Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense.
If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? Tre-mend-us.
What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they’re ashes still.
What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou, and it wilted.
When is a large river good for the eyes? When it’s eye (high) water.
What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.
What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a net.
What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames, which runs between Chel-sea and Batter-sea.
What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, the other hates his book.
What is that which you break by even naming it? Silence.
When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists.
What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because they’re Arno boats there.
What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down.
What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure the other plays at leisure.
Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can’t make them here (hear).
Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.
What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to wish for? One that blows fowl and chops about.
What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding? Because it makes it hollow.
What is that from which you may take away the whole and still have some left? The word wholesome.
When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed.
Why is English grammar like gout? Because it’s torture (taught yer).
Give a good definition of a button. A small affair that is always coming off.
What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.
What is the difference between a choir master and a lady’s dress? The one trains a choir, the other acquires a train.
Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles and thrives.
What is a singular and melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he could recite his poems but could not resight himself.
Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United States.
What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? One gathers what he sows, the other sews what she gathers.
What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey).
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week.
Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not painted.
At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? When it strikes one.
What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many answers? The door-bell.
What kind of a book do some men wish their wives might resemble? An almanac, for then they could have a new one every year.
Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you pass through.
Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hardware (wear).
Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete without a Handel.
In what key should a man propose to his sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B minor).
When a church is burning, what is the only part that stands no chance at all of being saved? The organ, because the engine can’t play upon it.
Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster? Because we cannot enjoy it without crackers.
When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly.
If all the seas were dried up, what would old Neptune say? I really haven’t an ocean (a notion).
Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because it comes in the middle of day.
Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, although always first in pity, he is always last in help.
What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years? The letter M.
Why are butchers thieves? Because they steal a knife and cut away with it.
Why should a man troubled with the gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees).
Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful friend? Because, although you may load his back with silver, he will reflect on you.
What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? The former talk without reflecting, the latter reflect without talking.
Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast steel (Castile).
On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs build a house? If they became brick (be cambric).
Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground.
When does a man always have brown hands? When he’s tand’em driving.
What is that which is seen twice in “every day” and four times in “every week,” yet only once in a year? The vowel e.
Which are the only two words in the English language where the five vowels follow in successive order? Facetious and abstemious.
What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? Oroonoko.
What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding another syllable to them? Quick and short.
What word composed of five letters can you take the first two letters from and have one remain? Stone.
Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of letters? Disproportionableness.
What relation is a child to its own father when it is not its own father’s son? A daughter.
What is the difference between the milky way and a room full of great-grandfathers? One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale pas.
What was it a blind man took at breakfast which restored his sight? He took a cup and saw, sir (saucer).
Why are pipes all humbug? Because the best of them are all meer-shams.
Why is a meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully.
If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded of? A pair.
What is that which a cat has, but no other animal? Kittens.
What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth, cannon-ize, and cannon-eers.
Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (twenty, too).
What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without transposing a letter? Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in.
When is a teapot like a kitten? When you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it).
Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? Because it is a representative.
Why is a madman like two men? Because he is a man beside himself.
Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind—“Over the Hills and Far Away.”
Why is an unbound book like a person in bed? Because it is in sheets.
Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgotten? Because it is out of the head.
What is the difference between a glass of water and a glass of whiskey? Ten cents.
Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags.
Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it is all heart.
Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective? Because he seldom stands alone.
Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king? Because he is guided by a minister.
Why is a man in a garret committing murder like a good man? Because he is above committing a bad action.
Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth like Samson? Because it overthrew a house of lords.
Why is an avaricious man like one with a short memory? He is always for getting.
What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward? An icicle.
Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent? Because it keeps off the sparks.
Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book? Because she is clasped.
Why is a wick of a candle like Athens? Because it is in Greece (grease).
Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey? Because it contains the ashes of the grate (great).
Why is a handsome woman like bread? Because she is often toasted.
What is that which a coach cannot move without, and yet is not of the least use to it? Noise.
What does a stone become when in the water? A whetstone (wet stone).
When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine minutes past twelve? When he is just going to strike one.
If you were obliged to swallow a man, what kind of a one would you prefer to swallow? A little Dublin porter.
What question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? What does y-e-s spell?
What four letters of the alphabet would frighten a thief? O I C U (oh! I see you).
Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly? Because he is just ice (justice).
What is the difference between a new five-cent piece and an old fashioned quarter? Twenty cents.
Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the law? He goes into the law to get on, he remains in the law to get oner, he retires from the law to get onest.
What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle? Buy a little medicine and get a vial in.
Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things? D. K.
Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island? Because there was a heavy swell on the beach and a sandy cove running up the shore.
Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the butter-fly.
What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove.
Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New York city, and his horses had only twenty-four feet among them; how was that? They had twenty fore feet.
What trade does the sun follow in the month of May? Mason (May sun).
Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States? Cabinet-makers.
Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? A joiner.
Of what occupation is a manager of a theatre? A stage-driver.
What miss is that whose company no one ever wants? Mis-fortune.
What misses are those whose days are always unlucky? Mis-chance and mis-hap.
What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take.
What misses are of a very jealous temper? Mis-give and mis-trust.
When is it no misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name? When a young man gives her a better one.
When does a dentist do the most work? When he extracts several acres (achers).
Why is an umbrella a paradox? Because it is best when used up.
What happens when a light falls into the water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It goes out.
What great surgical operation does the manufacturing of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree panning.
In what way do women ruin their husbands? In buy-ways.
Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of endurance? Because he holds on to the last.
What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster? The eyelid, because it always has a pupil under the lash.
Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never come until after I.
What profession is a postman? He is a man of letters.
At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.
Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in fun.
Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish, or Englishmen? Englishmen. In Scotland there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork, but in England are lightermen.
When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is adrift.
What ’bus has found room for the greatest number of people? Columbus.
Which is heavier, a half or a full moon? The half, because the full moon is as light again.
What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.
When is a man like a frozen rain? When he is hail (hale).
When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm? When it is a little bare (bear).
Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not a tall black.
Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? Because nothing satisfies him.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to be taken up.
Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory? Because it is a secret still.
Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they make a noise whenever they are told.
Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them to take us in.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause.
Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns the greatest thieves in her Majesty’s service? Because they rifle all the guns, forge the materials, and steel all the gun breeches.
How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson of three words? Never lend them.
Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek.
Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because they both profess an attachment to the crown.
What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s.
What is an extra dry subject? A mummy.
What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable woman shopping.
Why are hogs like trees? Because they root for a living.
Why is the moon like a marriage contract? Because it governs the tide.
Why do girls kiss each other and men not? Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have.
What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork? You’re too pointed.
What composer is most noted of modern times? Chloroform.
What is better than to give credit to whom it is due? Give the cash.
Which musical instrument is the most moral? An upright piano.
What is the difference between a dog’s tail and a rich man? One keeps a wagging and the other keeps a carriage.
How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter from other men? He married his wives and axed them afterward.
Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray sooner than his mustache? Because it is about twenty-one years older.
When did George Washington first take a carriage? When he took a hack at the cherry-tree.
What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary.
Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating her boy? Because it is a hiding of the son.
How can a man make his money go a long way? By contributing to foreign missions.
Why is a person reading these conundrums like a man condemned to undergo a military execution? Because he is pretty sure to be riddled to death.
Where can one always find pleasure and happiness? In the dictionary.
During the month of heavy showers, how has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the game? It has been “put up or shut up” with it all the while.
When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory.