Part 3
Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement.
When is money damp? When it is due in the morning and missed at night.
What killed Julius Cæsar? Roman punches.
How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can never be licked but once.
Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh’s daughter? They saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you in with an open countenance.
Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one is an analyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann).
How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark? Because he had Ham.
My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is a bird. Whip-poor-will.
Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff? Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mortal.
Why does the air seem fresher in winter than it does in summer? Because it’s kept on ice most of the time.
Why are fish well educated? They have a taste for going in schools.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes our cream sour cream.
Which is the easier way to commit suicide, by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether (either) is good.
Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest piece of property in England? Because it was bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign.
What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn? One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern.
Why are records brittle things? Because they cannot be lowered without breaking.
What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand on the other.
Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s would (wood) or should be.
What is the difference between a man going up stairs and one looking up? One is stepping up the stairs, the other staring up the steps.
Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are all over due.
What is there remarkable about a yard-stick? Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at each end and one in the middle.
If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, what would the other one do? Croak.
What makes the waves so wild? It is having the wind blow them up.
Why are apples like printer’s types? Because they are often in pi(e).
My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority, and my whole superiority. Matchless.
Why are fatigued persons like a wagon wheel? Because they are always tired.
Why is a tin can tied to a dog’s tail like death? Because it’s bound to a cur (occur).
Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony.
Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old? Because, having eyes, they see not, and having ears they hear not.
Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other persons.
Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when exposed to the fire they run.
Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because, being the imp of darkness he can never be imp-o’-light.
How much earth is in a hole 3¼ × 6½ ft.? None.
Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her.
What is the cheapest feature of the face? Nostrils, two for a scent (cent).
Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? Because they are men of size (sighs).
When does the rain become too familiar to a lady? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on the back.
What relation is a door mat to a door step? A step farther.
Why is a baker like some very disreputable people? Because he’s a loafer and a white-cap.
How many of your relatives live on your property? Ten-aunts (tenants).
What is the difference between a dime dated 1899 and a new dollar? Ninety cents.
Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because it is a beeholder (beholder).
What are the most unsociable things in the world? Mile-stones, for you never see two of them together.
When does a regiment undergo an operation? When deprived of its arms.
What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard? A pig-sty.
What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a sculptor? One curls up and dies and the other makes faces and busts.
Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone? Because they never saw it.
What is majesty deprived of its externals? (M) a jest (Y).
Why is a good speller of a spelling match like a glass of champagne? Because they both go to the head.
When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When fond of his club.
Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his gross profits? Because they are always net.
What will make pies inquisitive? S will make spies of them.
Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy? Because you find no change in it.
When can donkey be spelt with one letter? When it’s “U.”
Why is a tennis player like a society youth of limited means? He is obliged to miss the ball when it comes high.
Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty girl like a man going up Mt. Vesuvius? Because he is trying to get at the mouth of the crater.
Why should a housekeeper never put the letter M into her refrigerator? Because it will change ice into mice.
What’s the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? He was a wonder, and she was a Tudor.
Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship? Because without it your friends would be fiends.
Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them? K N (cayenne).
What is the difference between a funny fellow and a butcher? One deals out wit, the other wit-tles.
Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have a comb about them.
What insect does a blacksmith manufacture? He makes the fire-fly.
When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little radish (reddish).
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service.
Why is love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and gets less by pairing.
Why are young men like telescopes? Because you can draw them out, see through them and shut them up again.
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late, and destroy patients (patience).
What is the difference between a woman and a parasol? You can shut a parasol up.
Why is Sunday the strongest day in the week? Because the rest are week days.
Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? It always has an eye open for business, and invariably carries its point.
When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground.
Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because every one of them has a lock.
When is a man not a man? When he’s a shaving.
Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle? Because he will smoke when he is going out.
When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil.
Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars invariably run over sleepers.
What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble? A cross bow.
My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in.
What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt.
What tricks are most common among New York policemen? Patricks.
Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week? There is always a Turkey in it.
Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one? Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it.
Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment the ladies? Because the pressure makes him flatter.
Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes).
What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One makes fac similes, the other makes sick families.
What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s mouth.
What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten.
Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because it didn’t answer.
Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the world, and yet never five weeks old. The moon.
Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins).
My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a State of America. Tennes see.
Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? Because we wish her to lay on.
Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the centre of light.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.
Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because when purchased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar.
Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Because their families would suffer without the greenbacks.
In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak? In polly silly-bills.
My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of the deep. Her ring.
What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is a bee-holder; a bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d ’tatur is a bad potato.
What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality? Entertaining a hope.
Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he’s a pupil under the lash.
When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly in love? When attached to a boy (buoy.)
My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose.
Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it soon goes.
What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.
What fruit is the most visionary? The apple of the eye.
What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? The railroad.
What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they compose? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes.
Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote from one another? Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.
Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm.
Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as old as creation. Sun-day.
When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes off.
What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older.
What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them.
What is the difference between a young girl and an old hat? Merely a difference of time—one has feeling and the other has felt.
What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops.
How do you know when night is nigh? When the t (tea) is taken away.
Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things.
If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At Wanamaker’s, where everything is retailed.
Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? He keeps his pupils in darkness.
Why is early grass like a penknife? Because the springs bring out the blades.
Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It’s a place where the sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet).
Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of deeds.
Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it’s between two seas.
What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She pulled his ears and trod on his corn.
Why are some singers like cheese curds? Because they require to be pressed.
Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what’s done cannot be helped.
Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because she is always in advance of the mail intelligence.
What article that we wear is most affectionate? A porous plaster, because it becomes very much attached to us.
Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because he takes the pledge but cannot always keep it.
Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite (might).
Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad spirits are permitted to enter them.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it).
Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off in transports.
How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed by a night (knight).
Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because they are kept down by tax (tacks).
Why is the world like a slate? Because the children of men do multiply thereon.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because its worsted.
What is the centre of gravity? The letter V.
What three letters turn a girl into a woman? A-g-e.
Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every millionaire sure to be? A capital fellow.
What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by yourself? Your name.
When is a soldier like an old toper? When he re-treats.
Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because he rarely appears until the storm is over.
What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the milk, the swallow skims the water.
Why is a man’s face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because it’s a chin-chilly.
What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but died without a soul? The whale that swallowed Jonah.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax candles—the other dips.
When is a doctor most annoyed? When he is out of patients.
Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one? A friend in need is a friend indeed.
What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet generally carries its point.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate).
What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house? Omit to pay your water tax.
What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have pistils.
What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform.
What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress.
When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and taken in in the morning.
What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught.
Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him.
Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in sauciness.
What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it.
When is a soldier a wagon maker? When he makes a wheel.
Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing.
How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced when he got married? He became Mrs. Dewey’s second mate.
Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark.
Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams.
What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go.
When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body.
Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapidly in the world and has excellent prospects.
What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? The letter A, because it makes her hear.
What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green.
How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the spring.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.
What subject can be made light of? Gas.
If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation is Dick to John? His grandson.
When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased.
When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it has a hole in it.
Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die sinking.
Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? Because they are two tonics (teutonics).
Why should the proof-reader of a printing establishment be considered the best read man going? Because there’s proof that he reads every hour of the day.
When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats.
If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what would each one get? An equal share.
What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships.
Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich ones? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without either she cannot bank account (a count).
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them.
Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning nor end.
What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on? I’d just like to see you.
What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a Bacchanalian and the other a tobacconalian.
When Homer called the sea barren, why did it illustrate the age in which he lived? Because it was before Cecrops (sea crops).
What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey).
Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky man? Because he is always the thirteenth at table.
What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness? They are the same thing, only different titles.
What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read, it is the same. Civic.
What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It must work or it can’t play.
Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family.
Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making money? A dancing master.
In what respect does a piano lamp resemble a society-club man? It has a good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably brilliant, is sometimes unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when only half full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at bed-time, and is bound to smoke.
How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark of the trees.
Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers when he handles the lines behind a fine, well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a spanking pair.
What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a tail, and without a tail? A wig.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee.
Why are tallest people the laziest? Because they are always longer in bed than others.
Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Noah, because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was in liquidation.
What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and marked by degrees.
What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird.
Why don’t they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because they can’t get a nickel out of a copper.
Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation.
Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes.
Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a good licking from the English.
Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the yeast.
When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When its sat-in.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
When is a soldier like a king? When he appears with his pomp-on.
What object is walking over the water and under the water, yet does not touch the water? A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of water on her head.
Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is an internal transport.
When does a chair dislike you? When it can’t bear you.
Why is a duel quickly managed? Because it takes only two seconds to arrange it.
What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax.
Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title.
What class of women are most apt to give tone to society? The belles.
What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A river.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it is worsted.
What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a ship? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity of rocks.
What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes is a woman and often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be foul language.
Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read).