Part 5
What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine).
What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a strong will and the other is a strong won’t.
Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world? A true balance, or pair of scales.
What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland.
Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it has not had a nap in ten years.
Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every post and at every house.
What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive.
What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the wall with her back up.
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you do in everything—excel (XL).
Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table.
Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you find it.
Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head.
If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.”
What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig’s tie.
Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring.
Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren) figtree.
If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.)
What is a good thing to part with? A comb.
If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you? Your mother.
Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always carries a spare-rib about him.
Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird’s nest? Because it was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren).
For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted? For dentistry, because they have a good pull.
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she returns to dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? Because he does a driving business.
What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink.
Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work without an auger (augur).
What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch.
Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard.
What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary.
Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well.
Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because she’s a-mountin’.
What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio).
Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one reign there in over fifty years.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away pleasantly and then all at once boil over.
What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses.
Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood will tell.
Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices.
How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind.
How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through.
When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning.
What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind.
Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its insides would really be read.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re always for-getting something.
What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue.
What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act.
When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring.
What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock.
What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley fragments.
When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient.
What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier.
What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the other is halloaed out.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s giving a swimming lesson.
What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A sculptor.
What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one.
How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale.
When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack.
What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.
What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural.
When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself.
If a well known animal you behead, Another one you will have instead. Fox (f-ox).
Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is pat-rolling.
Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her own country.
Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a sure horse.
When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance).
What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West Virginia, on the Ohio.
What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says nothing about it.
Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She’s a good looking lass.
When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters.
Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay).
Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.
What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake.
What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are continually practicing at the bar.
What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.)
What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive.
With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band.
What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle tree.
What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles.
Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is continually taking notes.
Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A looking-glass.
What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? John Knox.
Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the players a cue.
Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her clothes.
Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes.
What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know it? A coffin.
Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every suit.
When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to “all.”
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair.
Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be settled when she arrives at maturity.
What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your shoe.
Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he wants bailing out.
What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for bidding.
Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he is very poor clay and should be fired.
Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures.
When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections in his pockets.
What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each of his children? Parents.
When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not have a good batter.
Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg you lose something to boot.
What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major.
Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the prophets (profits).
What is political economy? Splitting your vote.
What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery.
What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try us.
What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An army.
What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes one forget them.
Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is not fit for use until it is broken.
Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball? Because both look worn out when they lose their nap.
What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge.
When does a cook break the game law? When she poaches eggs.
Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because he smokes when he is going out.
What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is hottest.
Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Because you put your foot in it.
Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways.
Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill? Because he’s the end horse, sir (endorser).
What money brings the most substantial interest? Matri-mony.
What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese actor loses his head? He is pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time.
Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we cannot make it out.
Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother’s government like a rainbow? Because it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign.
BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS
Who was the first man spoken of in the Bible? Chap. I (chap first).
Who was the first woman spoken of in the Bible? Genesis (Jennis Sis).
At what time of day was Adam created? A little before Eve.
Spell “Adam’s Express Company” with three letters. E-v-e.
What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the son’s answering? Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad).
Who was a very short man spoken of in the Bible? Nehemiah (knee-high Miah).
Who was the strongest man spoken of in the Bible? Jonah, because the whale couldn’t keep him down.
Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible? Samson, because he brought the house down filled with his enemies.
Who was the shortest man spoken of in the Bible? Beldad the Shuhite (shoe height).
Where was paper currency spoken of first in the Bible? Where the dove left the ark and brought a green back.
Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).
Who took the first newspaper? Cain took A Bell’s (Abel’s) Life, and Joshua countermanded the Sun.
What proof have we that Moses was the most wicked man who ever lived? Because he broke the Ten Commandments all at once.
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel (able).
Where was æstheticism first spoken of in the Bible? Where the Lord made Balaam’s ass to utter.
When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain (cane).
What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam, because he was first in the race.
When did Moses sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his fore fathers.
The following is a good sell if properly led up to: Who was the first man? Adam? Who was the first woman? Eve. Who killed Cain? The answer will very likely be Abel.
What did Job’s wardrobe consist of? Three wretched comforters.
What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve which read backward and forward the same? Madam, I’m Adam.
Why was the first day of Adam’s life the longest? Because it had no Eve.
How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o’ dice was taken away from them.
What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the expulsion? Adam aint in (adamantine).
What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden? They raised Cain.
Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife.
Why was Eve made? For Adam’s express company.
Who was the straightest man mentioned in the Bible? Moses, because Pharaoh made a ruler of him.
What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.
Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.
Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before.
Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? The widow’s mite and the wicked flee.
How is it that Methusalah was the oldest man when he died before his father? His father was translated.
How many soft boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat on an empty stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty.
What was the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah’s ark? One was Maid of Orleans, the other was made of wood.
Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? Because she’d Adam (had ’em).
What church did Eve belong to? Adam thought her Eve-angelical.
What two animals carried the least into the ark? The fox and cock, because they carried only a brush and comb between them.
Who had the first entrance into a theatre? Joseph, when he was taken from the family circle and put into the pit.
In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? In the ark.
What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He took a fresh one.
Who first introduced salt meat into the navy? Noah, when he took Ham into the ark.
What animal took most baggage into the ark? The elephant, who took his trunk.
What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears).
What man mentioned in the Bible had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun.
What reason have we to think that Moses wore a wig? Because he was sometimes seen with Aaron and sometimes without ’Air on (hair on).
Why was Noah like a hungry cat? Because he went forty days and forty nights without finding Ararat.
If Solomon was the son of David and Joab was the son of Zeruiah what relation was Zeruiah to Joab? His mother.
NOTE.—Most persons will answer “his father,” not remembering that Zeruiah was a woman.
If “Moses was the son of Pharaoh’s daughter,” then he must have been the daughter of Pharaoh’s son.
NOTE.—Most persons will say that it was impossible for Moses to have been a daughter, etc. It will aid in understanding it to connect the words thus: “daughter-of-Pharoah’s son.”
POETICAL CONUNDRUMS
Legs I have, but seldom walk; I backbite all, yet never talk.
A flea.
I came to a field and couldn’t get through it; So I went to a school and learned how to do it.
Fence.
My first I hope you are, My second I see you are, My whole I know you are,
Wel-come.
My first’s a dirty little brute, My second’s at the end on’t; My third like many an honest man, Is on a fool dependent.
Pig-tail.
By equal division—I know I am right— The half of thirteen you’ll find to be eight.
VIII XIII ———— VIII. ΛIII
My number, definite and known, Is ten times ten told ten times o’er; One-half of me is one alone, The other exceeds all count and score.
Thou-sand.
There’s a word composed of three letters alone, Which reads backwards and forwards the same; It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, And to beauty lays principal claim.
Eye.
The cat did my first with a curl of her tail, When the game she had made quite secure By means of my second and not of my whole, As she ought to have done, I am sure.
Pur-chase.
Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, Who is that highly favored man, Who though he has married many a wife, May still live single all his life?
A clergyman.
Can you tell me why a hypocrite’s eye Can better descry than you or I, On how many toes a pussy cat goes? A man of deceit can best count-er-feit; And so, I suppose, can best count her toes.
Without my first you’d look very strange, My second you much want to be; My whole is what many a lady has worn, At a ball, an assembly, or play.
Nose-gay.
Two letters often tempt mankind, And those who yield will surely find Two others ready to enforce The punishment that comes of course.
X-S and D-K (excess and decay).
My first doth affliction denote, Which my second is destined to feel. My whole is a sweet antidote That affliction to soothe and to heal.
Wo-man!
My first of anything is half, My second is complete; And so remains until once more My first and second meet.
Semi-circle.
My first makes company, My second shuns company, My third assembles company, My whole puzzles company.
Co-nun-drums.
Safe on a fair one’s arm my first may rest, And raise no tumult in a husband’s breast; To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly, The want of legs my second will supply. My whole’s a rival of the fairest toast, And when I’m liked the best I suffer most.
Muf-fin.
What is that which is The beginning of eternity, The end of time and space, The beginning of every end, The end of every race?
Letter E.
Your initials begin with an A, You’ve an A at the end of your name, The whole of your name is an A, And its backward and forward the same.
Anna!
We are airy little creatures, Each have different forms and features; One of us in glass is set, Another you will find in jet; A third, less bright, is set in tin, A fourth a shining box within; And the fifth, if you pursue, It will never fly from you.
Vowels.
My first a baby does when you pinch it; My second a lady says when she doesn’t mean it; My third exists and no one e’er has seen it; And my whole contains the world’s best half within it.
Cri-no-line.
Formed long ago, yet made to-day, I’m most employed while others sleep; What none would like to give away, Yet no one likes to keep.
Bed.
What’s that? What’s that? Oh! I shall faint, Call, call the priest to lay it! Transpose it, and to king and saint, And great and good you pay it.
Spectre; respect.
How shall the following be read?
Yy u r yy u b I c u r yy 4 me.
ANSWER.— Too wise you are, Too wise you be; I see you are Too wise for me.
How shall the following be read?
U o a o, but I o thee; O o no o, but O o me; Then let my o thy o be And give o o I o thee.
ANSWER.— You sigh for a cipher, but I sigh for thee; Oh! sigh for no cipher, but oh! sigh for me; They let my cipher thy cipher be; And give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for thee.
How shall the following stanza be read that it may be true?
There is a lady in the land With twenty nails on each hand, Five-and-twenty on hands and feet, This is true without deceit.
ANSWER.— There is a lady in the land With twenty nails; on each hand Five, and twenty on hands and feet, This is true without deceit.
FRENCH CONUNDRUMS
Je suis le capitaine de vingt-quatre Soldats, et sans moi Paris serait pris.
The letter A.
Pourquoi les amateurs du beau sexe vont-ils souvent à l’hippodrome?
Afin d’être en cirque assis.
Quelle différence y-a-t-il entre le souverain de la Perse et le Viceroi d’Egypte.
C’est que l’un est chat (Shah) et l’autre pas chat (Pacha).
Quel est le peuple le moins gai de l’univers?
Le peuple Persan, parce qu’il est gouverné par un Schah (chat), et que le schah fait fuir les souris.
A French friend wishes to know: Vai ze Keeng ov Eatalee ees laike von seengair at ze opera oo ees loozeng ess voice?
Parce qu’il a perdu sa voix (Savoie).
Pourquoi les Carthaginois portaient-ils toujours des gants?
Parce qu’ils n’aimaient pas l’air aux mains (les Romains)!
Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro vingt-cinq.
Quand il est neuf et très étroit (et treize et trois)!
Un félon peut-il prendre pour devise,—“Honneur à Dieu”?
Non, car il faut qu’il dise,—“Adieu, honneur!”
Je ne suis pas ce que je suis; car si j’étais ce que suis, je ne serais pas ce que je suis, cependant je suis ce que je suis; devinez ce que je suis?
Un domestique qui suit sa maîtresse.
ARITHMETICAL PUZZLES
Write eleven thousand eleven hundred and eleven.
METHOD.— 11,000 + 1,100 + 11 = 12,111.
What four United States coins will amount to fifty-one cents?