Part 4
Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin with little drops.
What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise.
Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a gal-on (gallon).
Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly polished but very hollow.
Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible means of support.
What islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party? Sandwich and Madeira.
What must a good surgeon have to be successful? He must have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand.
Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because it attacks the joints.
If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become! Sin.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him.
Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady flame.
Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game alive.
When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side (go inside).
Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Because it is always on the Spree.
Which is the favorite word with women? The last one.
Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles).
Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L.
Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their dresses.
Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he hears.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it.
What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he had cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that attained a height of over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that.
Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill.
What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the waves on the seashore? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied).
What bird is rude? The mocking bird.
Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Because it shaves the green.
When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it.
Why are ships like fortunes? Because they are built on stocks.
How does a soldier know when it is time to fight? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt.
At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.
When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load.
Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than others did.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin till-late).
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done.
Why is a man happier with two wives than with one? He may be happy with one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported.
Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because it’s always on the rock, but never moves.
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags.
Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? It embraces everything.
What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A Bunyan (bunion).
When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? When it’s in the papers.
Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when found? Because it’s re-covered.
Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because he holds the reins.
Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? To save their soles (souls).
Who was the most successful surveyor on record? Alexander Selkirk, for he was monarch of all he surveyed.
Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner.
Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.
What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball.
Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a negative.
What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and which no one can tie? A cord of wood.
Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist.
When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? When it keeps stationary (stationery).
What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? It will give you many good points.
Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they write about face.
I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then I went home with it because I could not find it. A sliver.
Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is completely wound up.
Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight out of mind.
How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger and he took him in.
When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.
Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? Because it contains fowl-in pieces.
Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because it is the end of it that people enjoy most.
What is the fruit of finance? Current coin.
How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth, and went to blubber.
Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter.
Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays at the same time.
Whose best works are most trampled on? The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer than bad ones.
When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the preserves.
Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because they do a great deal of coupling.
When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an understanding between them.
Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys.
Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age (pasturage).
Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is the drawing room.
Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn field? Because so many ears are there, and they would be shocked.
What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.
When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the road.
Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp sheets.
What fruit does a newly married couple resemble? A green pear (pair).
Can you tell the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment.
Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity’s the sole of it.
Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are never re(a)d.
Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot be plain.
Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo.
What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork.
Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of faults.
Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he can always draw money.
What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks.
Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their kisses.
What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the occupant when it does? The rent.
What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract, contract, and detract.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from going too far.
Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they must be turned out.
What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues.
Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law.
If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would leave first? D would begin the descent.
When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear both sides.
Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in audible.
Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run.
If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s mite.
Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman.
Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe).
What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi).
Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? Because the dog puts down three and carries one.
When is a house like a bird? When it has wings.
What moral lesson does the weather cock teach? It is vane to a-spire.
When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means.
When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope’s bull.
Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there.
Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow).
Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint.
Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army.
Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him fast.
What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? His own nose.
What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper.
Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.
Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing.
A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three.
What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c (expediency).
Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a tip-top apple.
How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers.
Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly.
Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with the strongest ties.
What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his own mind.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern composers.
Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.
Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.
What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen.
Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves.
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate (a curate).
Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to everybody he meets.
What should be looked into? A mirror.
Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has Greece on the bottom.
I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not be home without me. Letter O.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become a little horse (hoarse).
In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his.
When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire) antique.
What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes.
I am the first, and one of seven, I live betwixt the seas and heaven; Look not below, for I am not there, My home is in the ancient air. Come to my second, behold how fair I am, how bright and how debonair; A pleasant vision and a beauty, A thing of life and joy and duty; My youth is changed—I live alone, My views are crossed—my hopes are gone; My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, My singing now is all heigh-ho. A lass (alas).
What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental).
When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning (morning).
Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.
Why is a book like a king? Because it has many pages.
When are two apples alike? When pared.
When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of China.
What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a bar-maid.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common ’tatur (commentator).
Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the owner of many tales and they all come out of his head.
What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster.
What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.
What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except by sticking at it? Bill-posting.
Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out? Because she has not a spark left.
In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel.
Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an inspire-ring influence.
What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands still? The road.
What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It vanishes into the empty heir (air).
When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground.
When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged.
Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout.
Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is bound by close ties.
What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries.
What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Happiness.
What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.
When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a loan.
What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when its days are not numbered.
What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before they are eaten.
Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write.
Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out of the heat.
Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer (dear).
Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.
What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature.
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service.
Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down and then cuts it up.
Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host himself.
Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a woman.
Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point.
If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the age of discretion.
What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key.
Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s father? Because he could a tail unfold.
Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges.
When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a boy.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow).
Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.
Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway? There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one of the reasons.
Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them.
Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen.
When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen; the other steals it.
What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife to return? Catches it when he gets home.
What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint.
What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan.
How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him.
Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are stationary (stationery).
Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he would always have a cataract in the eye.
What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle.
What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are shooting.
Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers.
Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a dozen mouths.
Why is the fly the best one among the grocers’ customers? Because, when he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot.
Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a soar point with him.
Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds himself he always has his cue.
What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper.
In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law.
Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy.
Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that the men have to go out to smile.
Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm.
What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the other breaks hearts.
What is the difference between man and butter? The older a man gets the weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is.
When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge it (Bridget).
What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite.
How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one crown.
Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil.
Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured (secured).
When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor.
Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.
What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your private history is repeated by your neighbors.
When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats to a bar.
If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a three-wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of course.
Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways.
What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait).
What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.
How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high time after dark.
When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
What is always behind time? The back of a clock.