CHAPTER VII.

_Giving a farther account of the state of his soul, particularly of his deep convictions._

GOD had, by this time, made plain his way before his face. His holy word had fully informed his understanding, how a sinner can find favour with God. His scruples were all removed, and he wanted only the possession of what he saw as at a distance; to _know_, by experience, _the certainty of those things wherein he had been instructed_.

His soul reached out with vehemency of desire to the _mark of the prize of_ his _high calling_. But yet he could not _lay hold on the hope set before_ him. He could not break the bondage of unbelief, of which he was now deeply convinced, and under which he groaned continually. In short, he felt what cannot be easily explained: the sorrows and strugglings, as well as joys, of the truly regenerate, being of such a nature, that strangers to that happy change can have very imperfect conceptions of. (1 Chronicles ii. 11.)

*He particularly describes the manner, in which he perceived himself wrought upon, as follows,

“1st. The Lord convinced me of my bosom sin, that which did most easily beset me; representing the heinousness of it in various circumstances.”

“2dly. All my other abominations: sins in general, of omission, and commission were set in array before me, as an army ready to devour me; or, as so many devils ready to tear me in pieces. God wrote them down in large characters, so that I might well say, _My sins were ever before me_.”

“3dly. I was clearly convinced, that not only my sins, but likewise what I called my duties, were an abomination unto the Lord. My _righteousness_ appeared _as filthy rags_. The _corrupt tree could not bring forth good fruit_.”

“4thly. The same spirit convinced me, that I was an unbeliever; that I had not true faith, and therefore no part nor lot in the Lord Jesus Christ. As an unbeliever I was _condemned already, and the wrath of God abode upon_ me, (John iii.) I assented indeed to every thing revealed in the bible; yet I now clearly perceived, I lacked the very true, Christian faith. I learned from the _Methodists_, so called, and had it confirmed to me by the New Testament, that whosoever has true faith, has with it the remission of sins,¹ and is at peace with God. I read, that _whosoever believeth, is born of_ God; and _he that is born of_ God _sinneth not_:² but I sinned, and thence inferred, I had not faith, neither was _born of_ God.”

¹ ♦Romans iv. 5. and v. 1. and viii. 1. John iii. 18. Acts. xiii. 39. 1 John v. 10.

² 1 John iii. 9. and v. 1.

♦ Arabic chapter numbers replaced with Roman numerals for consistency.

“5thly. I was deeply convinced, that I could not help myself; that I was utterly unable to work, either repentance, faith or holiness in my own soul, and that it was by grace alone I could be saved.”

“6thly. I was without comfort, and miserable. My soul was grieved, and my heart fainted within me. I found labour and sorrow beyond expression. Worldly comforts availed nought. I had no rest night or day. When I prayed I was troubled; when I heard a sermon, I was pierced as with darts and arrows. Whenever I either read or conversed, still I was broken and bruised in heart. Thus was I stripped of all, and wretched, and blind and naked; having neither faith nor power, holiness nor happiness. Truly there was no sound part in me. All was _wounds and bruises, and putrifying sores_. Often I could neither sleep nor eat. The affliction of my soul so affected my body, that at length I was obliged to take to my bed.”

“7thly. I saw by the same light of the holy Spirit, the ground of all this, namely, _Original sin_. This I felt was the source of all my misery and helplessness. _By one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin, and so death passed upon all, for that all have sinned._¹ Here I saw the root of all evil. Hence are we _children of wrath_; banished from God, and the tree of life.”

¹ Romans v. 12.

This was his state about the year 1749. And in substance, I believe (tho’ all do not so circumstantially attend to it) this agrees with the experience of most of the children of God.

One would not however attempt to fix a determinate point: making the progress of the work of God in one, or a thousand persons, a standard by which to judge of the genuineness of the experience of others. _There are diversities of operations by the same spirit. But it is the same God, who worketh all in all._

With some souls, it pleaseth our Lord to deal more gently, than with others; as (to mention no more examples) in the case of _Lydia_, and the _jaylor_, (Acts xvi.) The latter, trembling and terrified, _fell down_, prostrate, before _Paul_ and _Silas_, and said, in the utmost consternation, _What must I do to be saved!_ While the former, without any such previous terror, had her heart gently _opened to attend unto_, and receive the words of eternal life, _which were spoken of Paul_. And there are no doubt, thousands of resembling instances at this day.

But in general, it may be observed, that with regard to those, whom God intends for the service of other souls, he gives them to feel, as they are able to bear, the uttermost of their nature’s death; the bitterness and desert of the sin that dwells in the heart, as well as the wicked works of their life, before he shews them his salvation; that being feelingly acquainted with the evil nature of sin, and the wretchedness of an unregenerate state, they may be the better capable of sympathizing with, and counselling others in like circumstances; and be quickened in their endeavours of saving souls from death.

But in _all_ who are begetting again to newness of life, there is a deep consciousness of want. And there never has been an instance of true conversion among grown persons, where the soul did not previously feel its poverty, guilt, or danger, in a greater or less degree. Our Saviour heals none who have not a _feeling_ want, producing earnest desires of being healed. It is the _weary_ and the _heavy laden_, whom he calls to come to him, that they may find rest to their souls. He is the _living bread_, and _the water of life_, for which, only awakened souls hunger and thirst, and with which alone, they can be satisfied.

Having mentioned St. _Austin_, with reference to the usual manner of our Lord’s dealing with souls, intended for the service of others; and considering the resemblance, which in some parts of his experience, there is, with the experience of him before us, I persuade myself it will not be unacceptable to some readers, to subjoin a short account of the travail of his soul, above fourteen hundred years ago, in his own words.

“Thou, O Lord, didst turn me about towards myself; and tookest me from behind my back, where I had placed me, whilst I had no mind to observe myself, that I might see how deformed a thing I was; covered over with scabs and ulcers: and I beheld, and abhorred.――But I, then a wretched young man, had in the first dawning of my youth, begged of thee chastity; and had said, _Give me chastity; but yet awhile do not give it_. For I feared thou shouldst hear me too soon, and presently heal me of that disease and concupiscence which I wished, rather might be satiated than extinguished.――But now was the day come, in which I was laid naked to myself, and my conscience began to reproach me.――――I was inwardly corroded, and extremely confounded.”

“――Amidst this great controversy within, which I hotly disputed with my soul, troubled as well in countenance as in mind,――my eyes, forehead, cheeks, colour, the accent of my voice more spoke my passion than words could.――There was a little garden belonging to my lodging, which I had the use of. Thither this tumult in my breast carried me away, where none might hinder the hot contention which was engaged within me, until concluded in that issue, which thou already knewest, but not I. Only I was in suffering a death that would beget life: well knowing what evil I then was; not knowing what good, within a little while, I was to be.――I fretted my spirit, whilst all my bones cried out.――――From whence such a monster? Let thy mercy enlighten me, and let me enquire, Whence such a monster? and how can this be?――――”

“Thus I was accusing myself much more severely than formerly, and winding to and fro in my chain; a small piece only of which now held me; yet held me still. And thou, O Lord, pressedst sore upon me in mine inner parts, with a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame.――And the point of time, in which I was to become another man, as it approached nearer, struck me with more horror. Yet it did not make me to recoil, or turn away; but only to stand in a suspense.”

*“Such was the contest acted within my heart.――But as soon as more profound meditation had drawn out, from the very bottom of this sink, and laid on an heap, all my misery before the view of my soul; there arose in me a mighty tempest, bringing with it great showers of tears.――I, under a certain fig-tree, threw down myself, I know not how, and gave liberty to my tears; and the rivers of my eyes ran a-pace. And I said, _Thou, Lord, how long? How long wilt thou be angry, for ever? Remember not my former iniquities_, Psalms lxxix. 5, 8. For I well perceived I was still possessed, and with-held by them, and therefore cast out such miserable complaints, _How long? How long? To-morrow, and to-morrow? Why not presently? Why not this very hour, an end to my filthiness._”

*“These things I uttered as I wept with bitter contrition: and behold, I heard a voice as from a neighbouring house, as of a boy or girl, in a singing note, saying, and often repeating; _tolle, lege; tolle, lege; take up and read; take up and read_. And presently my countenance being altered, I began to consider, whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I call to mind that I any where heard the like.”

“Whereupon, suppressing the course of my tears, I rose up, interpreting it to be a divine admonition, that I should open the book, and read the place I first light upon.――So getting up hastily, I returned to the place where I had been sitting before, for there I had left St. _Paul_’s epistles. I catched it up, opened it, read in silence the piece of the chapter on which I first cast mine eyes; _not in rioting and drunkenness; not in chambering and wantonness; not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof_. Romans xiii. 13.”

“I could read no farther, nor was there need: for at the end of those lines, as it were with a new light of confidence streaming into my soul, the darkness of all former doubting and hesitancy was dispelled.――――”

*“O Jesus Christ, my helper, and my Redeemer! How sweet on a sudden became it to me, to submit my neck to thy easy yoke, and my shoulders, unto thy light burden.――――And what before, it was my fear to lose, how was it now my joy to dismiss! For thou the true, and the supreme sweetness, didst expel them from me: thou expelledst them and thyself enteredst into me instead of them: more delicious than all delights, but not to flesh and blood: more bright and glorious than all light, but to the inward hidden man, exalted above the heights of all honour, but not to those who exalt themselves.――And now my infant tongue began to converse with thee, my ambition, and my riches, and my salvation, my Lord God!”