CHAPTER IX.

_Of his frequent sickness, the exercises of his mind therein, and the improvement which he made thereof._

HIS original constitution was strong, and his make and stature such, as, humanly speaking, indicated health and long life. He seemed free from those incumbrances of constitution which some have to struggle with well nigh all their days. His complexion tended rather to the melancholic, although from his fervour of spirit, one would have thought the contrary. But the grace of God, is powerful to alter, and even invert the course of nature. However, the natural temperature of his body seemed well calculated both for the service of God, and of his neighbour.

But in fact, if his bones had been brass, and his flesh iron, they must have yielded to the violence which his labours offered to his constitution. He enjoyed good health till above nineteen, which was the year of his conversion to God. But from the twentieth to the twenty-eighth, his life may be said to have been a lingering death; as he never was a day free from pain or weakness.

A slow fever, and pain at his stomach were, for the most part, his companions, day and night. The manner of his preaching, intense study, little rest, and frequent fatigues, broke the very frame of his nature, and brought him in a short time to such a habit of body, as no medicines were able to remove.

“It is, as he once expressed it, (speaking of his illness) in the work of God, in the cause of Christ! Therefore I rejoice; for I count not my life dear to myself, if I may but glorify my Lord God, and only Master, Jesus Christ.” It is surprizing, that, considering his weakness and habitual disorders, he could go thro’ such daily and nightly labours as he did: nor can it be accounted for otherwise, than that the strength of God was made perfect in his weakness. Sometimes (says he) when I begin the labour of love, I am hardly able, either to walk or speak; but after I have laboured a while, I find new strength, and am even better than when I begun!”

As to the use which he always made of his illnesses, it will be best gathered from his own words.

*“_Tuesday, January 18, 1751._ I preached on _Matthew v. 3._ but could not finish; being seized with an ague. Immediately I went to bed. I could rest in the will of God, being persuaded it was for the better. True it is, that afflictions are not joyous, but grievous while they last, though afterwards they yield the peaceable fruits of righteousness. How great, O my God, are thy goodness, and tender mercies towards me! If I had a thousand tongues, I could not praise my God as he deserves. He remembers me in the time of my trouble, and leaves not my soul comfortless. Lord, there is nothing good in me, that thou shouldst regard, and so remember me. All is of thy free grace, and undeserved mercy. O the ravishing joy that seizes my heart, in meditating on the dying love of my Saviour! It raises me above all human things, and carries my soul deep into the mysteries of godliness.”

Two things he then especially remarked,

1st. How sad an affair it is to leave the work of salvation to a time of sickness? “Experience has strongly taught me, that if my peace was not made before such an affliction (referring to a violent fever, as this was) it would never have been made, distraction, and almost madness would take up the time; and not repentance. Look O Jesus upon those who are putting the evil day afar off.”

2dly. That before each of his illnesses; he had had remarkable displays of the divine goodness towards him. Thus he says, “I cannot but remark the exceeding goodness of God, for before my illnesses for some years past, he always gives me a clear manifestation of his love.”

The following account was after a fever, which lasted nine and twenty days, at a place called _Tirrelspass_ in _Ireland_.

1. “I had no joy for twenty days. The severity of my sickness and pain, pressed down my soul. Neither divine light nor love shone into my heart; yet I prayed often with freedom ♦and fervour.”

♦ duplicate word “and” removed

2. “I had no strong temptations; no fear of death, or hell: neither had I any desire to die. On the thirteenth day, I had an assurance, that I should not die in _Tirrelspass_. My greatest uneasiness arose from the place where I lay, which was a narrow room, with a shop adjoining, where was hurry and noise almost continually. This circumstance, thro’ the evil of my heart, often became a temptation to impatience. But I cried unto the Lord, and he made every thing more easy to me every day.”

3. “About the twentieth day, my soul and body much revived. I could after a night of heaviness rejoice in God. I experienced much of the love of Christ. But yet I felt the old man. Alas! what an evil heart have I! How hard is it to humble me, and wean my desires from earth? Lord, Thou knowest my heart and reins. And is it not my desire to love thee with all my soul, and serve thee with all my strength?”

“Is there a thing beneath the sun, That strives with thee my heart to share? Ah, tear it thence, and reign alone The Lord of ev’ry motion there!”

4. “On the twenty-sixth day, early in the morning, the gracious Lord replenished my soul with his love. He poured out his Spirit upon me. The intercourse was open between heaven and my soul. I loved, and could pray for all the world, as for myself. O how does Christ inlarge the heart! What flames of divine charity does he kindle there! The twenty-seventh day I had such a sense of the mercy of God as quite overcame my soul. In the evening however, I felt a severe struggle: but the blessed Spirit soon set my heart at liberty.”

“Lord, since it hath pleased thee, to spare me a little longer, make my life useful. Let me be wholly given up to thee, and thy service, that I may glorify thee, in all things, thro’ Jesus Christ, my dearest Lord and Saviour. _Amen._”

“_Limerick, October 28, 1755._ I was seized with a fever, which confined me to my room, till _Friday, November 7._ I remark the following particulars,”

*“1st. I examined what might be the cause of this illness; but could not discern any thing in particular. I saw indeed that many of my tempers, words and actions were not truly holy. I was ashamed of my best performances, I saw my best living as a mere blot: yet the guilt of no particular sin lay upon my conscience.”

“2dly. I was more subject to temptation in this sickness than usual: not indeed to think hard of God, or repine at my illness: but I had spiritual conflicts, wrestlings against _principalities and powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world; against wicked spirits in high places_. The third day, which was _Thursday, October 30_, I had the sorest conflict that ever I felt. I was suddenly seized in body, and amazed in mind. I thought every moment would have been my last. I had a vehement thirst. My tongue was dry and turgid. And my soul was in an agony. I was overwhelmed with fear, sorrow, and sore affliction.”

*“All the sins of my life passed before me, but especially those which were since I had been enlightened, and since I preached the gospel. I saw, and felt myself hell-deserving; that I was nothing, and could do no good work before God. I was really poor, in such a manner and degree, as I never felt before. I was stript, humbled, emptied, laid open, confounded and afraid of God’s judgments; tho’ not afraid of the devil, or hell. Nay, I all the while knew I had redemption in the blood of Jesus, and that all my sins were forgiven. Who can understand? Only such as have felt the same.”

“3dly, In the midst of my troubles, I had liberty in prayer. My understanding and memory remained with me, and abundance of spiritual matter was suggested to my mind. Even passages of scripture, that I never used before, were brought to me in prayer. I was alarmed in every part, and cried mightily to God. I cried to all about me to pray for me. Surely they saw the bitterness of my soul. God remember them for good, who then sympathized with me in my trouble.”

*“4thly, It left me gradually, and without any sensible joy. Peace and confidence arose by degrees, in my spirit. The very extremity of the combat, lasted about a quarter of an hour. It just then occurred to me, that some days before, I heard Jesus, as it were, speak, and say to me, _Satan hath desired to have thee, that he may sift you as wheat, but I have prayed for thee, that thy faith may not fail_. And now I fully understood it. In so many instances, are those words of our Lord true, ‘What I do, thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.’”

“5thly, I felt, (and might it not be the design of God in the whole?) That the name of Jesus alone could avail to bring me to God. I had such a deep sense of this, as I never had before. I had besides, extraordinary evidence of the eternal power and godhead of Christ Jesus. In all my illnesses this truth has been wonderfully revealed to me, both by the external evidence of holy writ, and the internal evidence of the holy Spirit. None of the prayers which I made use of, so foiled and drove away _Satan_, as ‘Jesus, Son of the living God, have mercy upon, and save me from this hour.’ Likewise the fifty-third of _Isaiah_, the twenty-third of _Jeremiah_, and the sixteenth of St. _Matthew_, with much of the _Revelation_, came into my mind: and my prayers were made up chiefly of passages from these places. I cried out, when I thought I should speak no more, and said, Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I believe thou wilt raise me up at the last day.”

“I had at the same time, most earnest desires, to be made holy. I saw more clearly than ever the nature and necessity of perfect love; and was fully persuaded of the necessity of preaching Christian perfection, and of declaring, that all is of grace.”

“6thly, For four or five days, after it was over, I had much of the presence of God, and of Christ. Many scripture truths revealed to me, and strong assurances, that God would spare me a little longer, to preach his gospel to the ignorant, and them that are out of the way, and to help forward the faith of his children.”

*“I write this account _November 8, 1755_, being pretty free from bodily pain, at peace with God, and all mankind, desirous, and determined to live wholly to the glory of God; to be a servant of all, giving my life, time, and strength, with every other talent intrusted to me, to God, and the church, which my dear Jesus purchased with his blood. To him with the Almighty Father, and eternal Spirit, be ascribed the kingdom, power, and glory, for ever, and to eternity.”

The very day on which he wrote these reflections, and the first of his going out, after this illness, it being a day appointed for fasting and prayer, to avert the judgment of God, which seemed impending over these nations; he was taken in a chair to the preaching-house, and preached for a full hour, “having (as he expresses it) a deep sense of the majesty of God, and joyful confidence, that he would defend the real _Israelites_ from the impending evil.”

The frequent experience which he had of remarkable escapes from confinement, by disorders which threatened him with a sudden removal hence, and these in times of preaching especially, made it a frequent and felt expression with him, “When I am weak, then I am strong.”

“When one knows (says he, on another of these occasions) that God is for him, that he has redemption in the blood of Christ, then whether he be rich, or poor, in sickness, or in health, he is happy, and can rejoice. Have I recovered my strength? And am I freely forgiven my former trespasses? Does the Spirit of God dwell in my heart? And can I by faith behold a reconciled God, and interceding Saviour, at his right hand? Well, then, welcome sickness, contempt, poverty, and death. If I meet with worldly troubles, ’tis to make my crown the brighter. If I suffer for Christ’s sake, happy am I. If I bear the cross, I shall wear the crown. Is my body cold? I am warmed with the flames of sacred love; naked? I have a covering of wrought gold, the righteousness of my Saviour! Hungry? I have meat to eat the world knoweth not of, _the hidden manna, and the bread of life_. Let me suffer then with Christ. Men may kill my body; but it would only send me the sooner to heaven.”

The following instance, the last I shall mention on this head, is the rather inserted, because in it may be seen a true picture of the man, from the free pourings out of his own heart. It was at _Bristol_, after recovering from a dangerous fever.

*“For three days last past, I had much converse with God, and vehement desires to live wholly to his glory. I have enquired into the reason of mine affliction, and think, God did it to humble me, that I should not be puffed up with the praises of the people. They cannot indeed too much admire the truths of God, nor be too thankful to him for them. But the danger was, lest I should think myself somebody: yet I cannot lay to my own charge the desire of applause, neither did I find it lift me up: on the contrary, it often made me ashamed, knowing my own vileness, and how little I either suffered or did for God.”

*“And truly I was never more sensible of my unprofitableness, than I am at this hour. I blush to see and hear how others live, and have lived; and at how low a rate I yet live. But above all, when I consider the life of the holy Jesus, O how far short do I come! I am not entirely dead to myself. I am not altogether free from affection to creatures. I cannot rejoice equally to suffer, as to be comforted. I speak words I ought not. I spend some minutes unprofitably. In short, I do not love God, or my neighbour as I ought.”

*“O, was it not for free grace, and the blood of sprinkling, where should I appear! But thou knowest my desire, or rather the desire of thy spirit within me. Thou knowest that there hast never been a saint upon earth whom I do not desire to resemble, in doing and suffering thy whole will. I would walk with thee, my God, as _Enoch_ did. I would follow thee to a land unknown, as _Abraham_ did. I would renounce all for thee, as did _Moses_, and _Paul_. I would, as did _Stephen_, seal thy truth with my blood!”

*“Is not this the desire of my soul, O my Saviour? O, give me power; give grace and constancy. For unless thou helpest, all my longings and praying will prove fruitless. But if thou waterest these plants, of thine own right hand’s planting, this grain shall become a great tree, and my soul shall be swallowed up in thee my Lord God!”

“Jesus was my comfort, and my joy, my life, and my strength. O, if I had not Jesus for my help, I should be miserable. But since I have thee I am happy in these my afflictions. The lovely smiles of thy countenance, which shine with glory, revive and raise me. O, divine love! What hast thou done for me, a poor sinner! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not his benefits.

“O that my soul was loosened from this body, that I might ascend the holy hill of the Lord! My Jesus, when shall I behold Thee face to face! O that this separate wall was broken down, this partition taken away, and that I could even now enter into the celestial courts there to sing everlasting hallelujah’s to my Lord, God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, _Amen_!”