CHAPTER X.
_Of his temptations, conflicts and various exercises of soul._
IT is a point of wisdom, well worthy our ♦pursuit, to know what in the course of our experience we ought to ascribe to God, to angels, whether good or evil, and to ourselves. How greatly would it contribute to prevent many evil reasonings and self-tormenting consternations? And it is a point of knowledge to which _the children of the kingdom_ do actually attain through faith and prayer.
♦ “pusuit” replaced with “pursuit”
The following few particulars, in the course of the experience of this man of God, which are ascribed to the agency of the power of darkness, are (among an infinity of other instances in the world) sufficient proofs of the attempts of those malicious spirits, to _steal and to destroy_, to rob us of the grace of God, and to destroy our souls.
Concerning the variety of inward conflicts which he went through, he often took notice that they were greatest on the Lord’s day; and says on the occasion, “Lord I am more afflicted on thy day, than on any other. Thou knowest the cause. If it be the enemy that afflicts me, do thou rebuke him; let him have no power over my body or soul. And O give me thy meek, and long-suffering mind to bear whatsoever burden thou permittest to come upon me.”
He observes likewise, When I have most life and power in preaching, then the devil and sin muster all their force, and thrust sore at me. But hitherto God has preserved me both from the great offence, and from misery and dejection.
The instances of the resistance he found in the time of preaching from invisible powers, were highly remarkable. He has sometimes started in amaze, at horrible injections, concerning God, or Christ, or some fundamental article of the Christian religion; even then, while he has been powerfully asserting, proving, and enforcing it. I have often heard him say, there was not a single divine truth, in the which he was then established, for which he had not fought, resisting as it were unto blood. For he would take nothing upon trust; nor see with the eyes of others. He derived his sentiments, from the fountain head. His best things came from God in the way of _labour_ and _striving_.
He has been sometimes deprived of the use of some of his senses, during the very time of preaching: once in particular, 1751. In the midst of his discourse, he, in an instant lost his eye-sight and fell back in the pulpit, yet retaining, during the whole time, the perfect use of his understanding: he however, soon recovered, and finished his sermon. He believed, ♦and was not confounded.
♦ duplicate word “and” removed
Often when he has been disturbed in the silence of the night in ways more than natural, well knowing the cause, he has with much confidence, in the name of Jesus commanded the adversary to be gone; and he found it always according to his faith.
Riding one day with a friend, and talking as he was wont, of the goodness of God, and of the confidence which he found in him.――――“Just then, (says he) my horse on a plain place threw me over his head. As I came to the ground, it was, as it were, sounded in my ears, ‘Will you trust God now?’ Yes I said, for ever! Through the mercy of the Lord I was not hurt. I saw an enemy had done it. I was thankful and felt no contrary emotion in my heart.”
One particular which ought perhaps to be reduced to this head, and which to some, no doubt, will appear singular, was a painful apprehension, which he sometimes had of dying. And what renders it the more observable is, that it was so even at those times, when he could truly _triumph_ in Christ, knowing that he should be with him for ever. Of this we have the following account from himself.
“_Saturday, December 1, 1753._ After preaching I studied closely till ten. I found infinite sweetness in God; and much power breathed into my soul after all _the mind of_ Christ. At present I am tempted chiefly with the fear of death. I believe my pardon is sealed by the blood of the covenant. I have no fear of hell, and yet I am sorely apprehensive of death.” Again,
“_Monday 22d._ I was this day, as I have been frequently of late much perplexed at the thought of dying. I believe my Redeemer liveth, and that I have an interest in his blood, and yet, notwithstanding, I am sore amazed at the thought of dissolution.”
And thus in reality it was with this servant of God; so that the uncomfortable apprehensions which he sometimes felt, even till near his end, in regard of dying must needs be ascribed, chiefly, to the permission of God to Satan, to exercise him in this manner; and may be considered as a _thorn_ in his _flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet him_; perhaps partly for the easement of other tempted souls, and with regard to himself, thereby more fully
“To prove him, and illustrate his high worth, Whose constant perseverance overcame Whatever _Satan’s_ malice could invent.”¹
¹ Milton.
He studied deeply the nature of the Christian warfare, and was well practised in the use of its weapons. His thoughts on _the whole armour of_ God,¹ ♦were the genuine result of his own experience. The combats which he met with, needed not less than the whole; and he both tried, and proved that every part thereof is indeed essential. Something very different from the preceeding particulars he relates as follows,
¹ There is a sermon of his printed under this title.
♦ “where” replaced with “were”
“_Friday, August 2, 1754._ I talked with one to-day, who was sorely tempted, (how mysterious!) to kill me; and for no other reason than because she was awakened under my preaching to feel herself a poor lost sinner.” Again,
“_September 16._ After preaching, a young woman came to me, and said, that some time before, she had brought a knife with her to preaching, intending to kill me; but was so terrified under the last prayer, that she durst not attempt it. The devil suggested, that if she did but take away my life, the burden which she felt through my preaching, would immediately depart.”
I shall conclude this chapter with a few other particulars, relating to this head of trials, taken from his own words.
“This day I was sorely tempted. _Satan_ threw many of his _fiery darts_ at me. I never before felt such agony in resisting, what are commonly called blasphemous thoughts. I cried unto the Lord, and he delivered me!”
“In the evening (not of the same day) I was in great distress. My soul was much weighed down. I felt grievous horror in my spirit, and yet I was resolved, although the Lord should slay me, to trust in him. In the very hour that I came to this resolution, my burden was removed; and the Lord gave me to rejoice in spirit.”
“This day, (_April 1754_) I had conversation with some Christian friends, concerning temptations, and the general experience of the saints. And however _Satan_ may be permitted to trouble their body or soul, I always believed, that God doth not hide his face, unless to punish us for commission of sin, or omission of duty. And the more I meditate upon this subject, the more abundantly I am confirmed in my judgment.”
“_Thursday 21._ I had a miserable night. Sometime after I went to bed, I was sorely assaulted of the devil. I attempted to compose myself, but could not. I was suddenly seized with a weakness, and cold sweat. My heart failed me. My soul was afflicted; my spirit was grieved, and sore vexed. The eye of my faith was darkened; the sense of God’s love departed; and the anger of the Lord seemed revealed towards me. I could see nothing but thick darkness, and hear nothing but thundrings from _Sinai_! It seemed to me, as though there was a struggle between justice and mercy concerning me. But although I was in such confusion, and perplexity, I saw that mercy got the victory, and triumphed over judgment.”
*“My strength so failed me that it seemed as though I had not an hour to live. I rose however, and dressed myself; but could scarcely pray one word. I cried Mercy! Mercy! Mercy! I stretched myself upon the floor, and could weep only a few tears. I had gone through sore trouble and darkness before this time; but such a night as this, I never had before (and O my God, may I never see such another.) After being for some time on the floor, I got up and walked a little, about the room; and then threw myself upon my knees. Being a little revived, I went to bed again. During the little while I slept, I had before me the cause of my trouble. I soon got up, and my head was now as water, and my eyes a fountain of tears.
“My confidence returned, so that I could look up and believe that the Lord was mine. I went and preached on _Zechariah iv. 7._ _Who art thou O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel thou shalt become a plain; and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, grace, grace unto it._ And my soul was humbled to the dust. My praying and preaching was from my very heart. Let it be for ever remembered, to the glory of the great God, and my Saviour Christ, that I was not suffered to be long in this condition. In about half an hour, I received some confidence, and in the morning my faith was increased.
“Let it be also remarked, that the scripture promises were of great comfort to me, particularly _Hosea xiv. 1._ _John ii. 2, 3._ Glory, honour, praise, worship, and dominion be ascribed unto thee, O Lord! Ye angels of God, bless him on my behalf! Let all in heaven and all in earth join to worship the triune God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!” The following was some time after.
“_Tuesday, 21._ I had a sorrowful morning. My soul was in heaviness through manifold temptations. The enemy came upon me in my sleep, and grieved my soul. Although I had joy at night, yet sorrow attended me in the morning. I had intended to have preached on the beatitudes; but finding myself full of troubles and temptations, I changed my purpose and preached from _Hebrews iv. 14‒16._ O my God, must I perish? Hast thou brought me thus far and shall I be cast off? O, forbid it Saviour. Forsake not the work of thine own hands. Come and destroy the work of the devil! My God, my God, do not forsake me. Thou knowest that sin is hateful to me. Have I not a love to righteousness? Do not my soul and flesh cry out for the living God? Am I not willing to go even through the fire, rather than offend Thee? Why then should the enemy prevail against me?
“Jesus hast thou not bought my soul? Am not I thine? O that my head were waters, O that I could even weep tears of blood: Lord God let not thy loving kindness depart from me. Where art thou Jesus thou Son of God! My great High-Priest, where is thy atoning blood? Where is he that was tempted in all points like unto me? Is there no help for me in my God? Why art thou cast down O my soul? O that I could yield my last breath, if nothing else will end the strife! Oh! the languishments of my soul for an absent God! How does my spirit faint within me! How do I pine! O sun of righteousness, arise upon me with healing in thy wings. Come Lord Jesus, O come, and save me for thy mercy’s sake. Where are the soundings of thy bowels, Dost thou not see my labouring breast? Is not my pain even worse than strangling? Return O Lord, see my gasping longing, aching heart. Am I not an object of pity? Have I not need of Thee! Now answer me by fire! Get thyself the victory! I want the seal of thy Spirit, the earnest of my heaven!”
The Lord did hear his prayer. I find it therefore added soon after. “O how plentifully did the Lord pour his love and consolation into my soul! I am amazed at the goodness and long-suffering of God towards me. And I observe in general, that after great heaviness and conflicts, come extraordinary joy and consolation. O may I husband well this precious gift of God!”