Part 21

There was a man and he had nought, And robbers came to rob him; He crept up the chimney pot, And then they thought they had him; But he got down on t'other side, And so they could not find him; He ran fourteen miles in fifteen days, And never look'd behind him.

A Man with a Wife

I had a little wife, the prettiest ever seen, She washed up the dishes, and kept the house clean; She went to the mill to fetch me some flour, She brought it home in less than an hour; She baked me my bread, she brewed me my ale, She sat by the fire and told me many a fine tale.

Crooked Old Man

There was a crooked man, And he went a crooked mile, He found a crooked sixpence, Against a crooked stile. He bought a crooked cat, Which caught a crooked mouse, And they all lived together In a little crooked house.

King Arthur

When good King Arthur ruled this land, He was a goodly King; He stole three pecks of barley meal, To make a bag pudding. A bag pudding the King did make, And stuffed it well with plums; And in it put great lumps of fat, As big as my two thumbs. The King and Queen did eat thereof, And noblemen beside; And what they could not eat that night The Queen next morning fried.

Barney Bodkin

Barney Bodkin broke his nose, Without feet we can't have toes, Crazy folks are always mad, Want of money makes us sad.

Funny Man

A man of words and not of deeds, Is like a garden fill of weeds; And when the weeds begin to grow, It's like a garden full of snow; And when the snow begins to fall, It's like a bird upon the wall; And when the bird away does fly, It's like an eagle in the sky; And when the sky begins to roar, It's like a lion at the door; And when the door begins to crack, It's like a stick across your back; And when your back begins to smart, It's like a penknife in your heart; And when your heart begins to bleed, You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

Strange Man

There was a man and he was mad, And he jumped into a pea-pod; The pea-pod was over-full, So he jumped into a roaring bull; The roaring bull was over-fat, So he jumped into a gentleman's hat; The gentleman's hat was over-fine, So he jumped into a bottle of wine; The bottle of wine was over-dear, So he jumped into a bottle of beer; The bottle of beer was over-thick, So he jumped into a club-stick; The club-stick was over-narrow, So he jumped into a wheel-barrow; The wheel-barrow began to crack, So he jumped into a hay-stack; The hay-stack began to blaze, So he did nothing but cough and sneeze.

[Page 101--Old Men Tales]

Jack Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean, And so between them both They licked the platter clean. Jack ate all the lean, Joan ate all the fat, The bone they both picked clean, Then gave it to the cat.

When Jack Sprat was young, He dressed very smart, He courted Joan Cole, And soon gained her heart; In his fine leather doublet And old greasy hat, Oh! what a smart fellow Was little Jack Sprat.

Joan Cole had a hole In her petticoat, Jack Sprat, to get a patch, Gave her a groat. The groat bought a patch Which stopped the hole, "I thank you, Jack Sprat," Says little Joan Cole.

Jack Sprat was the bridegroom, Joan Cole was the bride, Jack said from the church His Joan home should ride. But no coach could take her, The road was so narrow; Said Jack, "Then I'll take her Home in a wheelbarrow."

Jack Sprat was wheeling His wife by a ditch, Then the barrow turned over, And in she did pitch. Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!" But Joan did reply, "I don't think I shall, For the ditch is quite dry."

Jack brought home his Joan, And she sat in a chair, When in came his cat, That had got but one ear. Says Joan "I've come home, Puss, Pray how do you do?" The cat wagg'd her tail And said nothing but "mew."

Jack Sprat took his gun, And went to the brook; He shot at the drake, But he killed the duck. He bought it home to Joan, Who a fire did make, To roast the fat duck While Jack went for the drake.

The drake was swimming With his curly tail, Jack Sprat came to soot him, But happened to fail. He let off his gun, But missing the mark, The drake flew away Crying "Quack, quack, quack."

Jack Sprat to live pretty Now bought him a pig, It was not very little, It was not very big; It was not very lean, It was not very fat, "It will serve for a grunter," Said little Jack Sprat.

Then Joan went to market To buy her some fowls, She bought a jackdaw And a couple of owls; The owls were white, The jackdaw was black, "They'll make a rare breed," Says little Joan Sprat.

Jack Sprat bought a cow, His Joan to please, For Joan could make Both butter and cheese; Or pancakes or puddings Without any fat; A notable housewife Was little Joan Sprat.

Joan Sprat went to brewing A barrel of ale, She put in some hops That it might not turn stale; But as for the malt-- She forgot to put that; "This is a brave sober liquor." Said little Jack Sprat.

Jack Sprat went to market And bought him a mare, She was lame of three legs, An as blind as she could stare. Her ribs they were bare, For the mare had no fat; "She looks like a racer," Said little Jack Sprat.

Jack and Joan went abroad, Puss looked after the house; She caught a large rat, And a very small mouse, She caught a small mouse, And a very large rat, "You're an excellent hunter," Said little Jack Sprat.

Now I've told you the story Of little Jack Sprat, Of sweet Joan Cole And the poor one-ear'd cat; Now Jack he loved Joan, And good things he taught her, Then she gave him a son, Then after a daughter.

Now Jack has got rich, And has plenty of pelf; If you know any more you may tell it yourself.

[Illustration: Monkey Grabbing Man's Nose.]

Cross Old Man

There was a cross old man and what do you think, He lived on nothing but victuals and drink; Victuals and drink were his principal diet, Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet.

He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage, Till the animal got in a terrible rage, And seized on his nose with finger so strong, That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.

Old Man in the Moon

The man in the moon came tumbling down, And asked his way to Norwich, He went by the south, and burnt his mouth, With supping cold pease-porridge.

A Funny Man

There was a man of Newington, And he was wondrous wise, He jump'd into a quickset hedge And scratch'd out both his eyes. But when he saw his eyes were out With all his might and main He jump'd into another hedge. And scratched them in again.

Dr. Faustus

Doctor Faustus was a good man, He whipt his scholars now and then. When he did he made them dance Out of Scotland into France; Out of France into Spain, And then he whipped them back again.

If! If! If!

If all the would was apple pie, And all the seas were ink, And all the trees were bread and cheese, What would we have to drink? It's enough to make an old man Scratch his head and think.

Funny Men

Alderman Absolute Always Adjudicated with Astonishing Ability After he had read some books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Benjamin Bouncer Banged a Brown Bear with a Blunderbuss, In a lane at the back of Cole's Book Arcade.

Christopher Crabstick was Cross, Captious, Cutting, and Caustic, Whenever he could not get a book brought from Cole's Book Arcade.

Francis Fizgig Ferociously Fought and Frightened a Fiddler, At midday, right in front of Cole's Book Arcade.

Gregory Gimcrack Grinned and Gaped at the Geese and Ganders Exposed for sale in the Eastern Market, just above Cole's Book Arcade.

Horatio Headstrong Hurled a Hatchet at the Head of a Hawk Which sat on top of Cole's Book Arcade.

Isaac Ichabod Inhabited an Isolated and Inhospitable Indian Island, At an enormous and disheartening distance from Cole's Book Arcade.

Lugubrious Longface Loved Learning and Literary Lore, Which he always got out of the books he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

Marmaduke Meddlesome Munificently Meted out Mercy to a Miserable Man Who stole a book at Cole's Book Arcade.

Obadiah Orpheus Opened an Original Overture Outrageously Oddly, With a small whistle and a big drum, in front of Cole's Book Arcade.

Quinton Querulous Queerly Questioned a Quibbling and Querulous Quidnunc, And asked Quizzingly if he had ever seen the inside of Cole's Book Arcade.

Reuben Ramble Ran a Ridiculous Rattling Race on a Railway, And beat the train in hasting to get a book at Cole's Book Arcade.

Theodore Thunderbolt Told Terrible and Tremendous Tales of Travelling, Which were afterwards printed in books and sold at Cole's Book Arcade.

Valentine Valiana Valorously Vanquished a Vapouring Villager, Who spoke ignorantly and slightingly of Cole's Book Arcade.

Xenophon Xenocles eXhibited eXtraordinary and eXcessive eXcitability Whenever he was not calmed down by books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Young Yokel, a Youthful Yorkshire Yeoman Yawned at York, For want of a few interesting and entertaining books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Zachariah Zany Zealously studied Zoology Out of the works which he bought at Cole's Book Arcade.

[Page 102--Old Men Tales]

Utter Nonsense

There was an Old Person of Prague, Who was suddenly seized with the plague, But they gave him some butter, which caused him to mutter, And cured that Old Person of Prague.

There was an Old Man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long, But they called out, "Oh, law! you're a horrid old bore!" So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

There was an Old Man of the Isles, Whose face was pervaded with smiles, He sang "Hi dum diddle," played on the fiddle, That amiable Old Man of the Isles.

There was an Old Person of Dover, Who rushed through a field of blue clover; But some very large Bees stung his nose and his knees, So he very soon went back to Dover.

There was an Old Man of Quebec,-- A beetle ran over his neck: But he cried, "With a needle I'll slay you, O beetle!" That angry Old Man of Quebec.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius, Who studied the works of Vitruvius; When the flames burned his book, to drinking he took, That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamour, By smashing that Old Person of Buda.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils, They caught several fish which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz, The length of whose legs was immense, He went with one prance from Turkey to France, That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

There was an Old Person of Gretna, Who rushed down the crater of Etna; When they said, "Is it hot?" he replied, "No, it's not!" That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

There was an Old Person of Bangor, Whose face was distorted with anger; He tore off his boots and subsisted on roots, That borascible Person of Bangor.

There was an Old Person of Spain, Who hated all trouble and pain; So he sat on a chair, with his feet in the air, That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

There was an Old Man of the West, Who never could get any rest; So they set him to spin on his nose and his chin, Which cured that Old Man of the West.

There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a bee; When they said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes it does! It's a regular brute of a bee!"

There was an Old Man who said, "How, Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile and continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of this Cow."

There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter, Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

There was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So to make it look big, he purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

There was an Old Man of some rocks, Who shut his wife up in a box; When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box,"

There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

There was an Old Man with a flute, A "sarpent" ran into his boot; But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight, And avoided that Man with a flute.

There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon to examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

[Illustration: Old Man Sitting--Casting Jug-Shaped Shadow.]

A horrid Old Gentleman from Monaghan, Sat down and refused to go on again, Till they gave him a crown for leaving the town, That wretched old humbug of Monaghan.

There was an Old Man if Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue They mended that Man of Nepaul.

There was an Old Man of Aoster, Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"

There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes Of sharpening one's nails with a file!"

There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a chair until he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits.

There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose.

There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia.

There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

There was an Old Person of Sparta, Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter; He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta.

There was an Old Person of Chilli, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chilli.

There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such That it killed that Old Man of the East.

There was an Old Man of Peru, Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

There was an Old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia, But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

There was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed And escaped from the people of Basing.

There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom if ever stood still; He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny, He spent all that money on onions and honey, That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

There was an Old Person of Perth, The stingiest fellow on earth; He fed--oh! 'twas cruel--on seaweed and gruel, This stingy Old Person of Perth.

A dogmatic Old Fellow of Shoreham, Would snub his companions and bore 'em, By flat contradiction, which was an affliction To the friends of this party of Shoreham.

There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia.

There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered, "What matter?" That globular Person of Hurst.

[Page 103--Old Men Tales]

The Diverting History Of John Gilpin

John Gilpin was a citizen Of credit and renown, A train-bound Captain eke was he Of famous London town. John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear, Though we have wedded been, These twice ten tedious years, yet we No holiday have seen.

To-morrow is our wedding-day, And we then will repair Unto the "Bell" at Edmonton, All in a chaise and pair, My sister and my sister's child, Myself and children three, Will fill the chaise, so you must ride On horse-back after we.

He soon replied--I do admire Of womankind but one, And you are she, my dearest dear, Therefore it shall be done, I am a linen-draper bold, As all the world doth know, And my good friend the Calender, Will lend his horse to go.

Quoth Mrs Gilpin--That's well said; And for that wind is dear, We will be furnished with our own, Which is both bright and clear; John Gilpin kiss'd his loving wife, O'erjoyed was he to find That, though on pleasure she was bent, She had a frugal mind.

The morning came, the chaise was brought, And yet was not allow'd To drive up to the door, lest all Should say that she was proud; So three doors off the post was stayed, Where they did all get in, Six precious souls, and all agog To dash through thick and thin.

Smack went the whip, round went the wheels, Were never folks so glad, The stones did rattle underneath As if Cheapside were mad; John Gilpin at his horse's side Seized fast the flowing mane, And up he got in haste to ride, But soon came down again.

For saddle-tree scarce reached had he, His journey to begin, When turning round his head, he saw Three customers come in; So down he came--for loss of time, Although it grieved him sore, Yet loss of pence, full well he knew, Would trouble him much more.

'Twas long before the customers Were suited to their mind, When Betty, screaming, came down the stairs, "The wine is left behind." Good lack! quoth he, yet bring it me, My leathern belt likewise, In which I bear my trusty sword When I do exercise.

Now, Mistress Gilpin, careful soul, Had two stone bottles found, To hold the liquor that she loved, And keep it safe and sound, Each bottle had a curling ear, Through which the belt he drew, And hung a bottle on each side, To make his balance true.

Then over all, that he might be Equipp'd from top to toe, His long red cloak, well brush'd and neat, He manfully did throw, Now see him mounted once again Upon his nimble steed, Full slowly pacing o'er the stones With caution and good heed.

But, finding soon a smoother road Beneath his well-shod feet, The snorting beast began to trot, Which gall'd him in his seat, So, "Fair and softly," John, he cried, But John, he cried in vain; That trot became a gallop soon, In spite of curb and rein.

So, stooping down, as needs he must, Who cannot sit upright, He grasp'd the mane with both his hands, And eke with all his might, His horse, who never in that sort, Had handled been before, What thing upon his back had got Did wonder more and more.

Away went Gilpin, neck or nought, Away went hat and wig, He little dreamt when he set out Of running such a rig; The wind did blow, the cloak did fly, Like streamer long and gay, Till, loop and button failing both, At last it flew away.

Then might people well discern The bottles he had slung, A bottle swinging at each side, As had been said or sung, The dogs did bark, the children scream'd, Up flew the windows all, And ev'ry soul cried out, Well done! As loud as he could bawl.

Away went Gilpin--who but he, His fame soon spread around-- He carries weight, he rides a race! 'Tis for a thousand pound! And still as fast as he drew near, 'Twas wonderful to view How in a trice the turnpike men Their gates wide open flew.

And now as he went bowing down His reeking head full low, The bottles twain behind his back Were shatter'd at a blow; Down ran the wine into the road, Most piteous to be seen, Which made his horses flanks to smoke, As they had basted been.

But still he seemed to carry weight, With leathern girdle braced, For all might see the bottle-necks Still dangling at his waist; Thus all through merry Islington These gambols did he play, And till he came into the Wash Of Edmonton so gay.

And there he threw the wash about On both sides of the way, Just like unto a trundling mop, Or a wild goose at play. At Edmonton his loving wife From the balcony spied Her tender husband, wond'ring much To see how he did ride.

Stop, stop, John Gilpin!--Here's the house-- They all at once did cry, The dinner waits, and we are tired-- Said Gilpin--So am I; But yet this horse was not a whit Inclined to tarry there-- For why? His owner had a house Full ten miles off, at Ware.