Part 25
Cole's Game Of Hats And Bonnets Or Husbands And Wives
[Illustration: Men in Hats--Numbered 53 to 104--Letters N to Z.]
If the persons who consult this oracle are single, the sweetheart that falls to their lot will be their first husband or wife, and if they are married it will be their second husband or wife, and if they have been married twice, it will be their third one, and so on up to 144 times of being married; and after that no one will be allowed to consult this oracle, look at it, speak of it, or even think about it, such objectionable persons being entirely excluded from its benefits.
Persons who consult this oracle must accept the husband or wife that falls to their lot just the same as if they married them in the usual way, but if dissatisfied on account of ugliness, dress, or any other cause the consulter, by doing penance in the shape of a pilgrimage to a certain place in the exact centre of the world and paying a small sum, can obtain a DIVORCE.
The place to which the pilgrimage is to be made is Cole's Book Arcade, Bourke Street, Melbourne, Australia, where they must buy a book of some kind, and that act DIVORCES them at once.
Bashful persons need not mention their pilgrimage to the Book Arcade, when they purchase the book, unless they choose.
Anyone having obtained a DIVORCE will be allowed to choose out of 9 other portraits. If the number of the portrait that fell to their lot was 8, they can choose any other number ending with 8, as 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, 78, 88 and 98, of if their first number was 65 they can choose from 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, 75, 85, 95 and so on; whatever their number was, they may choose from the corresponding figures throughout the table.
If, after making a choice out of the 9 portraits, anyone is still dissatisfied, by making 10 pilgrimages to the Book Arcade, or by buying and giving away 10 copies of this Funny Picture Book, they can claim the indulgence of a GRAND DIVORCE and choose which they like out of the whole 104 portraits.
Given under our Royal hand and Seal at the Palace of the Book Arcade, this 21st day of November, 1890.--COLE, REX.
[Page 124--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
Why are cowardly soldiers like butter? Because they run when exposed to fire.
Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it's the grub that makes the butter fly.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to be taken up.
Why is an acquitted prisoner like a gun? Because he is taken up, charged, and then let off.
Why is a beggar like a barrister? Because he pleads for his daily bread.
Why are lawyers like scissors? Because they never cut each other, but only what is placed between them.
Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and reviews.
Why is a prosy story-teller like a railway tunnel? Because he is a great bore.
Why is a dun like a woodcock? Because he bores with his bill.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat'll (cattle) eat it.
Why is the sun like a good loaf? Because it's light when it rises.
Why is a plum-cake like the ocean? Because it contains many curra(e)nts.
Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
What is the difference between a steep hill and a large pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down.
What is the difference between a pastry-cook and a billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is the sale of effects and the other is the effects of a sail.
Why is a photographic album like a drainer on a bar counter? Because it is often a receptacle for empty mugs.
Why is an interesting book like a toper's nose? Because it is read (red) to the end.
What relation is your uncle's brother to you, if he is not your uncle? Your father.
What is the best throw of the dice? To throw them away.
What tree clothes half the world?--Cotton. What tree gives milk? The cow tree. What tree is a city in Ireland?--Cork. What plant is a letter of the alphabet?--The Tea (T). What kind of bat flies without wings?--A brickbat.
Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet.
Why is a dog's tail like the pith of a tree? Because it's the farthest from the bark.
Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he will, he cannot catch it.
If the Devil lost his tail, where should he go to find a new one? To a gin palace, for bad spirits are retailed there.
What key is hardest to turn?--A donkey.
Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy.
[Illustration: Man on Donkey--Dangling Carrots from his Long Nose.]
What is it that smells most when you go into a chemist's shop? Your nose.
Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he's an ass.
Why is a lollypop like a horse? Because the more you lick it, the faster it goes.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because it stops at the sound of woe.
I went to a wood and got it, I sat down to look for it, and brought it home because I could not find it-- A thorn in my foot.
Why is a naughty boy like a postage stamp? Because he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his letters.
What is the difference between twice twenty-eight and twice eight and twenty. Twenty; because twice twenty eight is fifty-six, and twice eight and twenty is thirty-six.
What grows less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel.
What is that which increases the more you take from it? A hole.
Why is a tight boot like an oak-tree? Because it produces a-corn.
Who killed one-fourth of the people in the world? Cain, when he killed Abel, there being then only four people in it.
Why is a retired milkman like the whale that swallowed Jonah? Because he took the profit out of the water.
Where was Moses when the candle went out? In the dark.
Why is your ear like a band of music? Because it has a drum in it.
Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.
Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge? Because it must be ground before it is used.
Why is a red herring like a mackintosh? Because it keeps one dry all day.
Where are balls and routs supplied gratis? On the field of battle.
Why is an omnibus like a medical student? Because it is crammed and allowed to pass.
When has a person got as many heads as there are days in the year? On the 31st of December.
What word is shorter for having a syllable added to it? Short.
If I shoot at three birds on a tree, and kill one, how many will remain? None; they will all fly away.
What should you keep after you have given it to another? Your word.
Which would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back, or a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, as they would be lighter than one sack of flour.
Did you ever see a bun dance on a table? I often see abundance on the table.
What does your ship weigh before she sets sail? She weighs anchor.
What is an old woman like who is in the midst of a river? Like to be drowned.
What is the difference between a school-master and an engine driver? One trains the mind, and the other minds the train.
Who was the first man who went round the world? The man in the moon.
Important Notice
Wanted known to all of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books. Wanted known to all not of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books. Wanted known to all of the name of Blair that they can get almost any book they want there. Wanted known to all not of the name of Blair that they can get almost any book they want there. Wanted known to all of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's was the first Book Arcade opened in the World. Wanted known to all not of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's is still the only Book Arcade in the World. Wanted all intelligent persons of the name of Hall, to give Cole's Unique Book Arcade an early call. Wanted all intelligent persons not of the name of Hall, to give Cole's Unique Book Arcade a very early call.
[Page 125--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles About Babies And Ladies
Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind? Because it begins with a squall.
When is a baby not a baby? When it is a little duck.
Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing.
When is a soldier like a baby? When he is in arms.
When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little Pats.
Why is a church-clock like a little boy often receiving a beating? Because it's hands move over it's face.
Why is a boy like a potato? Because they both wear jackets.
Why is the earth like a school black-board? Because the children of men multiply upon the face of it.
Why does a ladies' school, out for a walk, resemble the notes of a flute? Because it goes two, two, two, two (toot-oot-oot-oot).
What tree is a lady's name?--Olive.
When do young ladies eat a musical instrument? When they have a Piano-for-tea.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a gall-on.
Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass.
Why is a flirt like a hollow India-rubber ball? Because she is very empty and has a deal of bounce.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fashionable young lady? One faces the powder and the other powders the face.
Why does an engine resemble a young lady? Because it has a train behind, and puffs in the air (hair).
If a bear were to go into a linen-draper's shop, what would he want? He would want muzzlin'.
What is the difference between a bantam cock, and a dirty housemaid? One is a domestic foul and the other a foul domestic.
What were the first words Adam said to Eve? Nobody knows.
How is it proved that woman was created before man? Because Eve was the first maid (made).
What Christian name is spelt the same way backwards and forwards? Hannah.
What is the difference between a person late for the train and a school-mistress? One misses the train and the other trains the misses.
What Miss is always making blunders? Mistake.
What Miss plays more tricks than a schoolboy? Mischief.
What miss occasions a great many quarrels? Mismanagement.
What is that which ladies look for, and never wish to find? A hole in their stocking.
What is that which a man nearly always wears in his sleep, frequently takes off and never puts on again? His beard.
[Illustration: Man with Huge Beard infested with Birds.]
This nice looking man with a beard, Remarked, "It's just as I feared; Four larks and a hen, two owls and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard."
What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a meeting? Because there is a gathering there, and sometimes a good deal of bustle.
How does a well-fitting bonnet lose its identity? Because it "becomes" the lady who wears it.
What is the sweetest thing in bonnets this season? The ladies' faces.
Why is a kiss like a rumour? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover? The one kisses his misses, and the other misses his kisses.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want carrying out.
Why are lovers like apples? Because they are often paired (pared).
Why is first love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and becomes all the less by pairing (paring).
Which age do most girls wish to attain? Marri-age.
What kind of men do women like best? Husband-men.
What ties two people together, yet touches one? A wedding ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because by doing so he rings his own Nell (knell).
Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride? Because the bride is given away, while the bridegroom is usually sold.
Why are ladies like bells? Because you seldom know what metal they are made of till you ring them.
What money lasts longest when you get it? Matrimony.
Why is matrimony like a besieged city? Because those who are in it wish to be out, and those who are out wish to be in.
Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things.
Why are rough seats like domineering wives? Because they wear the breeches.
Why are husband and wife ten, instead of one? Because the wife is number one and the husband goes for nought.
Why was the Archbishop of Canterbury like the late Prince Consort? Because he married the Queen.
Why is a nugget of gold found at Bendigo like the Prince of Wales? Because it is the produce of Victoria and like to become a sovereign.
Why are ladies great thieves? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, and crib their babies.
In what month do ladies talk the least? In February; because it's the shortest.
What is the difference between ladies and clocks? One makes us remember time, and the other makes us forget it.
Why is an empty room like another full of married people? Because there is not a single person in it.
Popular Errors
The commonly received notion that a man may marry his first cousin, but must not marry his second is not true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is in Bourke Street, Melbourne, about half-way between Swanston and Elizabeth Sts. The rumour that a Yankee Gentleman had invented a machine to take the noise out of thunder has turned out not to be true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is open from nine in the morning to ten at night, every working day in the year. The fact that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books is not the cause of the sea being salt--of coca-nuts containing milk-- of the growth of big gooseberries, nor of the multitude of great big fibs told annually about a sea-serpent. It is not true that cats will suck the breath of children when they are asleep, but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade contains one interesting cat and 80,000 sorts of interesting books. N.B.--The likeness of Cole's Cat can be seen on page 153.
[Page 126--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
Which is the greatest peer that England ever produced? Shakespeare.
What is the grandest verse in existence? The universe.
What is the greatest stand ever made for civilisation? The inkstand.
What is that which, although black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
What is that which is full of knowledge, and yet knows nothing? A book-case.
What is that which you and every living man have seen, but can never see again? Yesterday.
What is that which no man ever did see, which never was, but always is to be? To-morrow.
What thing is that that is lower with a head than without one? A pillow.
What volume is sure to bring tears to your eyes? A volume of smoke.
What is that which has form without substance, and size without weight? A shadow.
Name me and you break me. Silence.
What is that which renders life inert, and yet restores it? Sleep.
Formed long ago, yet made today, Employed while others sleep, What few would like to give away, Nor any wish to keep. A bed.
What is that which flies high, flies low, wears shoes, and has no feet? Dust.
What is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.
What is that which we often return yet never borrow? Thanks.
Name that bird which, if you do not, you must die? Swallow.
What is that which you cannot hold for ten minutes although it is "as light as a feather?" Your breath.
What is that which never was seen, felt, nor heard, never was and never will be, and yet has a name? Nothing.
What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet gave two to each of his children? Parents.
What is that we wish for, and when we have obtained we never know we have it? Sleep.
When is it that a person ought not to keep his temper? When it is a bad one.
What is yours, and is used by others more than yourself? Your name.
Can a man's pocket be empty when he's got something in it? Yes: when he's got a big hole in it.
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.
Melbourne, Hotham, Collingwood, Prahran, Richmond, Emerald Hill, and Cole's Book Arcade, all begins with an A.
Why is a penny like a black cat at Cole's Book Arcade? Because it has a head and a tail.
[Illustration: Book Arcade and Crocodile failing to Jump Over Moon.]
Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a Crocodile? Because it can't jump over the moon.
Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a learned man? Because it is well stocked with literature.
What is that which goes every morning at eight o'clock from the Post Office to Cole's Book Arcade, and every evening at six o'clock from the Parliament House to Cole's Book Arcade, without moving? Bourke Street.
How many sides are there to Cole's Book Arcade? Four. 1st, the right side; 2nd, the left side; 3rd, the outside; and 4th, the inside, where the 80,000 sorts of books are.
What are the oldest tops in the world? Mountain tops.
Which is the oldest table in the world? The multiplication table.
What kind of ship has two mates and no captain? A courtship.
What is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
What is that which one can divide, but cannot see where it has been divided? Water.
What is that which gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft.
What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare.
What vice is it that the greatest criminals shun? Ad-vice.
What is that which is often found where it is not? Fault.
What is that which we often catch hold of, and yet never see? A passing remark.
What is that which is often brought to the table, often cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards.
What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge.
What window in your house is like the sun? The skylight.
What word is it of five letters, of which two being removed one only one will remain? St-one.
What is that from which if the whole be taken some will remain? The word "wholesome".
What word contains all the vowels in their proper order? Facetious.
How would you express in one word having met a doctor of medicine? Metaphysician.
Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title.
Why is the alphabet like the mail? Because it consists of letters.
Why is a book like a tree? Because it has many leaves.
Mechanical Advertisement
The idea of a machine to go by perpetual motion is perpetual nonsense. Multitudes of boys and men have wasted much valuable time in trying to find it, but they never can, as it is contrary to natural laws, and therefore impossible; but one certainty of the future is, that a million useful flying machines will flit hither and thither; and one certainty of the present is, that while Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books, not a single person has yet been able to come to it for a supply in a flying machine.--Laggard inventors, think of this! N.B.--Cole once invented a flying machine, but it wouldn't work!
[Page 127--Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
If a man has twenty sick (six) sheep and one of them dies, how many will remain? Nineteen.
Can a leopard change his spots? Yes: when he is tired of one spot he can go to another.
Why does a piebald pony never pay a toll? Because his master pays it for him.
Where are you sure to find pity in the worst of misfortunes? In the dictionary.
Where did the witch of Endor live? At Endor.
What is most like a cat's tail? A kitten's tail.
What is that which no other animal but a cat possesses? Kittens.
What is the colour of a green-plot covered with snow? Green.
When is a man not a man? When he is a muff.
If a stone were thrown at you and fell into the water, what would it become? Wet.
What is the oldest tree in Australia? The Elder.
What trees bear the most fruit for the Market? The axle-trees.
Why is a clock not wound up, like a mile-stone? Because it stands still.
What is the easiest thing for a nigger to do? Keep dark.
How can you make a currant cake without currants? Put only one currant into it.
Which letters are never out of fashion? F A S H I O N.
Why is your nose like St. Paul's? Because it is flesh and blood.
Why do white sheep furnish more wool than the black ones? Because there are more of them.
What makes a pair of boots? Two.
What did Adam first plant in his garden? His foot.
How can a boy make his jacket last? By making his coat and waistcoat first.
She was plump and beautiful, and he was wildly fond of her; she hated him, yet woman-like, she strove to catch him. What was he? He was a flea.
What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen dozen? One is six gross and the other is six dozen.
What is that which a man can put into his right hand but never into his left? His left elbow.
What is that which a man with two eyes cannot see with one? T'other eye.
Spell and pronounce the word Pot, without saying Teapot?
Cautiously start a conversation about coins, and the ask, "Did you ever see any of those coins two of which make eighteen pence?" Of course they will say "no"; then show them a shilling and a sixpence, and you "have" them.
Would you rather an elephant killed you or a gorilla? Rather the elephant killed the gorilla.
[Illustration: Puzzle, When Shall We Three Meet Again.]
When Shall We Three Meet Again?