Part 22

So, like an arrow, swift he flew, Shot by an archer strong; So did he fly--which brings me to The middle of my song. Away went Gilpin, out of breath, And sore against his will, Till at his friend the Calender's His horse at last stood still.

The Calender, amazed to see His neighbour in such trim, Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate, And thus accosted him:-- What news? what news? your tidings tell! Tell me you must and shall-- Say why bare-headed you are come, Or why you come at all?

Now, Gilpin had a pleasant wit, And loved a timely joke, And thus unto the Calender, In merry guise he spoke-- I came because your horse would come, And if I well forbode, My hat and wig will soon be here, They are upon the road.

The Calender, right glad to find His friend in merry pin, Return'd him not a single word, But to the house went in. When straight he came with hat and wig-- A wig that flow'd behind; A hat not much the worse of wear-- Each comely in its kind.

He held them up, and in its turn Thus showed his ready wit-- My head is twice as big as yours, They therefore needs must fit. But let me scrape the dirt away That hangs upon your face, And stop and eat, for well you may Be in a hungry case.

Said John, It is my wedding-day, And all the world would stare, If wife should dine at Edmonton, And I should dine at Ware. So, turning to his horse, he said-- I am in haste to dine, 'Twas for your pleasure you came here, You shall go back for mine.

Ah, luckless speech, and bootless boast, For which he paid full dear; For while he spake, a braying ass Did sing most loud and clear, Whereat his horse did snort as he Had heard a lion's roar, And gallop'd off with all his might, As he had done before.

Away went Gilpin, and away Went Gilpin's hat and wig; He lost them sooner than the first, For why? they were too big. Now, Mistress Gilpin when she saw Her husband posting down Into the country, far away, She pulled out half-a-crown.

And thus unto the youth she said That drove them to the "Bell"-- This shall be yours when you bring back My husband safe and well; The youth did ride, and soon did meet John coming back again, Whom in a trice, he tried to stop By catching at his rein.

But, not performing what he meant, And gladly would have done, The frightened steed he frightened more, And made him faster run; Away went Gilpin, and away Went post-boy at his heels-- The post-boy's horse right glad to miss The lumbering of the wheels.

Six gentlemen upon the road, Thus seeing Gilpin fly, With post-boy scamp'ring in the rear, They raised the hue and cry:-- Stop thief! stop thief!--a highwayman! An all and each that pass'd the way Did join in the pursuit.

And now the turnpike gates again Flew open in short space-- The toll-men thinking as before, That Gilpin rode a race; And so he did, and won it, too, For he got first to town: Nor stopp'd till, where he had got up, He did again get down,

Now let us sing: Long live the king, And Gilpin, long live he; And when he next doth ride abroad, May I be there to see.

[Page 104--Song Of The Book Arcade]

[Illustration: Song Of The Book Arcade--First Half.]

Books teach the children of men in many million schools; Books make the difference between earth's learned and its fools.

Song Of The Book Arcade

Cole's Book Arcade, Cole's Book Arcade It is in Melbourne town, Of all the book stores in the land It has the most renown,

It was the first, first Book Arcade That in the world was found; It's still the finest Book Arcade In all the world around.

A lovely rainbow sign appears Above the Book Arcade And 'tis the very grandest sign Was ever yet displayed.

Full forty thousand sorts of books Are stored within its walls, Which can be seen, looked at or bought, By anyone that calls.

The book you wish, the book you want, Is almost sure to be Found somewhere in the Book Arcade, If you will call and see.

(Our Australian Choir has Cockatoos, Laughing Jackasses, Native Bears, Platypusses, Black Swans, Emus, Magpies, Opossums, and Lyre Birds, also a BUNYIP to sing deep bass, all the other Animals in the World sing the chorus, each in his natural voice. The tune is "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.")

Value Of Books

BOOKS should be found in every house To form and feed the mind; They are the best of luxuries 'Tis possible to find.

For all the books in all the world Are man's greatest treasure; They make him wish, and bring to him His best, his choicest pleasure.

BOOKS make his time pass happily Through many weary hours; Amuse, compose, instruct his mind, Enlarge his mental powers.

BOOKS give to him the history Of each and every land; BOOKS show him human action's past-- The bad, the good, the grand.

BOOKS show him arts, laws, learnings, faiths Of every time and place; BOOKS show him how each thing is made Used by the human race.

[Page 105--Value Of Books]

[Illustration: Song Of The Book Arcade--Second Half.]

BOOKS give to him descriptions of The world in which we live, Of the universe around us, And better still they give.

BOOKS give to him the greatest thoughts Of all the good and wise; BOOKS treasure human knowledge up, And so it never dies.

BOOKS show him all that men have done, What they have thought and said; BOOKS show the deeds and wisdom of The living and the dead.

BOOKS show him all the hopes and fears Of every race and clan; BOOKS clearly prove beyond a doubt The brotherhood of man.

BOOKS give him hopes beyond the grave Of an immortal life; BOOKS teach that right and truth and love Shall banish every strife.

BOOKS teach and please him when a child In youth and in his prime; BOOKS give him soothing pleasure when His health and strength decline.

BOOKS please him in his lonely hours, Wherever he may roam: BOOKS please when read aloud among His loving friends at home.

BOOKS like _strong drink_ will drown his cares, But do not waste his wealth; BOOKS leave him _better_, drink the _worse_, In character and health.

BOOKS therefore, are, of all man buys, The choicest thing on earth, BOOKS have, of all his household goods, The most intrinsic worth.

BOOKS are the greatest blessing out, The grandest thing we sell, BOOKS bring more joy, BOOKS do more good Than mortal tongue can tell.

E. W. Cole

[Page 106--Old Woman Tales]

[Illustration: Old Woman Who Lived in A Shoe.]

The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She had so many children--such naughty ones too! She cried, "Oh, dear me, I don't know what to do, Who would be an old woman and live in a shoe?"

Once ninety little fellows sat down on the floor And lustily screamed, "We won't cry any more!" "Then stop crying now," the old woman said, "The noise you are making goes right through my head."

"Then she gave the boys broth without any bread, And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed. She scolded the girls, and said, "Don't make a noise, Or you shall be served just the same as the boys."

[Page 107--Old Woman Tales]

Mother Goose

Old Mother Goose, when She wanted to wander, Would ride through the air On a very fine gander.

Mother Goose had a house, 'Twas built of wood, Where an owl at the door For sentinel stood.

She had a son Jack, A plain-looking lad, He was not very good, Nor yet very bad.

She sent him to market; A live goose he bought; Here, mother, says he, It will not go for nought.

Jack's goose and her gander They grew very fond; They'd both eat together, Or swim in one pond.

Jack found one morning, As I have been told, His goose had laid him An egg of pure gold.

Jack rode to his mother, The news for to tell, She call'd him a good boy, And said it was well.

Hack sold his gold egg To a rogue of a Jew, Who cheated him out of The half of his due.

Then Jack went a-courting A lady so gay, As fair as the lily, And sweet as the May.

The Jew and the Squire Came behind his back, And began to belabour The sides of poor Jack.

Then old Mother Goose That instant came in, And turned her son Jack Into fam'd Harlequin.

She then with her wand Touch'd the lady so fine, And turn'd her at once Into sweet Columbine.

The gold egg in the sea Was quickly thrown, when Jack gave a quick dive, And soon got it again.

The Jew got the goose, Which he vow'd he would kill, Resolving at once His pockets to fill.

Jack's mother came in, And caught the goose soon, And mounting its back, Flew up to the moon.

Old Woman under a Hill

There was an old woman lived under a hill, Put a mouse in a bag, and sent it to mill; The Miller declar'd by the point of his knife, He ne'er saw such a big mouse in his life.

Old Woman under a Hill

There was an old woman lived under a hill; And if she's not gone, she lives there still.

Old Woman and Three Sons

There was an old woman had three sons; Jerry, and James, and John. Jerry was hung, James was drowned; John was lost, and never was found; And there was an end of the three sons, Jerry, and James, and John.

[Illustration: Old Woman and Shell.]

Old Woman who Lived in a Shell

A little old woman, as I've heard tell, Lived near the sea, in a nice little shell; She was well off, if she wanted her tea-- She'd plenty of water from out of the sea.

Then if for her dinner she had the least wish, Of course she had nothing to do but to fish; So, really, this little old woman did well, As she didn't pay any rent for the use of the shell.

Old Woman Swallowed

There was an old woman called Nothing-at-all, Who rejoiced in a dwelling exceedingly small; A man stretched his mouth to its utmost extent, And down at one gulp house and old woman went.

Old Woman's Calf

There was an old woman sat spinning, And that's the first beginning; She had a calf, and that's half; She took it by the tail, And threw it over the wall, and that's all.

Old Woman Drowned

There was an old woman, her name it was Peg; Her head was of wood, and she wore a cork-leg. The neighbours all pitched her into the water, Her leg was drown'd first, and her head followed a'ter.

Old Woman of Stepney

At Stepney there lived, As every one knows, An old woman who had A plum tree on her nose!

The boys, while she slept, Would cautiously take The plums from her tree Before she could wake.

This old woman went One day to the lawn Of my Lord Cockagee, And there saw a fawn.

Having shot him, she tied His hind legs to her tree, And so quitted the lawn Of my Lord Cockagee.

She'd nearly reached home, When the constable came, And put her in prison For killing the game.

While locked in her cell, She thought again and again Of how to escape, But kept thinking in vain.

She considered each plan, Till she found out a way Of escaping the prison In the course of the day.

She cut the plum tree close off from her nose, And made a scarecrow, Dress'd up in her clothes;

This she set on a stool, With it's back to the wall, And watch'd near the door For fear it would fall.

Soon the jailor came in With her water and bread; He stared at the figure, While from prison she fled.

The old woman reached home, Singing diddle-dee-dee; And again on her nose There grew a plum tree.

[Page 108--Old Woman Tales]

Funny Old Women

There was an old person of Smyrna, Whose Granny once threatened to burn her; But she seized on the cat, And said "Granny, burn that! You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"

There was an old lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute; She played several jigs To her Uncle's white pigs, That amusing old lady of Bute.

There was an old lady of Ryde, Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied, She purchased some clogs, And some small spotted dogs, And frequently walked about Ryde.

There was an old lady of Parma, Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer, When they said "Are you dumb?" She merely said "Hum!" That provoking old lady of Parma.

There was an old lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy; Some she killed with a thump, Some she drowned at the pump, And some she took with her to Troy.

There was an old person of Crete, Whose toilet was far from complete, She dressed in a sack Spickle-speckled with black, That ombliferous old person of Crete.

There was an old lady of Wales, Who caught a large fish without scales; When she lifted her hook, She exclaimed "Only look!" That ecstatic old lady of Wales.

There was an old lady of Clare, Who was sadly pursued by a bear; When she found she was tired, She abruptly expired, That unfortunate lady of Clare.

There was an old lady of Dorking, Who bought a large bonnet for walking; But it's colour and size, So bedazzled her eyes, That she very soon went back to Dorking.

There was an old lady of Russia, Who screamed so that no one could hush her; Her screams were extreme, No one heard such a scream, As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

There was an old lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, She exclaimed, "What of that?" That courageous old lady of Norway.

There was an old lady of Chertsey, Who made a remarkable curtsey; She twirled round and round, Till she sank underground, Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.

There was an old woman of Anerley, Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly. She rushed down the Strand, With a pig in each hand, But returning in the evening to Anerley.

There was an old lady of Welling, Whose praise all the world was a-telling; She played on the harp, And caught several carp, That accomplished old lady of Welling.

There was an old lady of Turkey, Who wept when the weather was murky; When the day turned out fine, She ceased to repine, That capricious old lady of Turkey.

[Illustration: Old Woman in Flying Basket.]

Old Woman who went up in a Basket

There was an old woman went up in a basket, Ninety-nine times as high as the moon; What she did there I could not but ask it, For in her hand she carried a broom.

"Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I, "O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?" "To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,-- And I shall be back again by and by!"

-----

There was an old woman of Prague, Whose ideas were horribly vague, She built a balloon, To examine the moon, That deluded old woman of Prague.

There was an old woman of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent bull; But she seized on a spade, And called out "Who's afraid?" Which distracted that virulent bull.

There was an old lady of Poole, Whose soup was excessively cool; So she put it to boil, By the aid of some oil, That ingenious old lady of Poole.

There was an old lady of Burton, Whose answers were rather uncertain; When they said "How d'ye do?" She replied "Who are you?" That distressing old person of Burton.

There was an old lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her; She ran up a tree, And said "Fiddle-de-dee!" Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.

There was an old woman of Norwich, Who lived on nothing but porridge; Parading the town, She turned cloak into gown, That thrifty old woman of Norwich.

There was an old woman of Leeds, Who spent all her time in good deeds; She worked for the poor, Till her fingers were sore, That pious old woman of Leeds.

There was an old woman in Surrey, Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry; Called her husband a fool, Drove the children to school, That worrying old woman in Surrey.

There was an old lady whose bonnet Came untied when the birds sat upon it; But she said "I don't care! All the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!"

There was an old lady whose nose Was so long that it reached to her toes; So she hired an old lady, Whose conduct was steady, To carry that wonderful nose.

There was an old lady whose chin Resembled the point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, On which to play tunes with her chin.

There was an old lady whose eyes, Were unique as to colour and size; When she opened them wide, People all turned aside, And started away in surprise.

There was a young lady of Hexham, Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em; She talked about horses, And rode on racecourses, This forward young lady of Hexham.

[Page 109--Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women]

Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women

Angelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing, Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian Arcade. Meaning Cole's Book Arcade.

Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book. From Coles Book Arcade.

Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded Corroboree. On the roof of Coles Book Arcade.

Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing, Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy, and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger. Which drawing can be inspected at Cole's Book Arcade by anyone who can see clearly in the Dark.

Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia, Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next to Cole's Book Arcade.

Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun. When she read some of the lively books from Cole's Book Arcade.

Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically, Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother. Because she so seldom went to Cole's Book Arcade.

Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy, Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit of Henpecking Her Husband at Home. When he would not take her to Cole's Book Arcade, to get a book on Saturday night.

Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance, Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy. Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to the Instructive books in Cole's Book Arcade.

Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond Jordan. [N.B.--Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles from Cole's Book Arcade.]

Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes, Kittens and Kangaroos. She did not buy her cookery book at Cole's Book Arcade: he doesn't sell books showing how to cook Kittens.

Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light, Borrowed from Cole's Book Arcade.

Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a Multitude of Magnificent stars. [N.B.--About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top of Cole's Book Arcade and may be seen on application.]

[Illustration: Old Woman Cutting the Moon into Stars.]

Nancy Nuttall was a Nonsensical, Noodlesome, Nincompoopish, Namby-pamby, Numskulled, Needle-woman; Nevertheless, at Ninety-Nine she Neatly and Nimbly Nabbed in the Nuptial Noose a Notable Noble Nabob of Nagpoor. And directly after the marriage Nagged him into sending for books to Cole's Book Arcade.

Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat. And then go to Cole's Book Arcade and get a book.

Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly, Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses. The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.

Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking Quartermaster. If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils at Cole's Book Arcade.

Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason, Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal Russian Red Republicans, Instead of Running into Cole's Book Arcade.

Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid, Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish Steamship _Salamanca_, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six Shillingsworth of Select Stationery to Cole's Book Arcade.

Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and Table-Talking. But never Turned into nor Talked about Cole's Book Arcade until afterwards.

Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike, Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical, Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed, Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively, Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle, Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling, Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious, Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded, Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky, Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided, Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless. Until, by chance, she went to Cole's Book Arcade, and got some good instructive books, and now she is the very best person in Australia, and the best but two in the world.

Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of Venice, instead of Visiting Cole's Book Arcade.

Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel; Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely Walked With her--Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird Waltz. Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.