Part 10
WHIT. No, I pree dee, captain, let him alone; he is a child, i'faith, la.
LEATH. _Now, gentles, to the friends, who in number are two, And lodged in that ale-house in which fair Hero does do. Damon, for some kindness done him the last week, Is come, fair Hero, in Fish-street, this morning to seek: Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting, And now you shall see their true-friendly greeting._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _You whore-masterly slave, you._
COKES. Whore-masterly slave you! very friendly and familiar, that.
PUP. DAMON. _Whore-master in thy face, Thou hast lain with her thyself, I'll prove it in this place._
COKES. Damon says, Pythias has lain with her himself, he'll prove't in this place.
LEATH. _They are whore-masters both, sir, that's a plain case._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _You lie like a rogue._
LEATH. _Do I lie like a rogue?_
PUP. PYTHIAS. _A pimp and a scab._
LEATH. _A pimp and a scab. I say, between you, you have both but one drab._
PUP. DAMON. _You lie again._
LEATH. _Do I lie again?_
PUP. DAMON. _Like a rogue again._
LEATH. _Like a rogue again?_
PUP. PYTHIAS. _And you are a pimp again._
COKES. And you are a pimp again, he says.
PUP. DAMON. _And a scab again._
COKES. And a scab again, he says.
LEATH. _And I say again, you are both whore-masters, again. And you have both but one drab again._
PUP. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. _Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?_
[They fall upon him.
LEATH. _What, both at once?_
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Down with him, Damon._
PUP. DAMON. _Pink his guts, Pythias._
LEATH. _What, so malicious? Will ye murder me, masters both, in my own house?_
COKES. Ho! well acted, my drum, well acted, my pipe, well acted still!
WASPE. Well acted, with all my heart.
LEATH. _Hold, hold your hands._
COKES. Ay, both your hands, for my sake! for you have both done well.
PUP. DAMON. _Gramercy, pure Pythias._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Gramercy, dear Damon._
COKES. Gramercy to you both, my pipe and my drum.
PUP. PYTHIAS AND DAMON. _Come, now we'll together to breakfast to Hero._
LEATH. _'Tis well you can now go to breakfast to Hero. You have given me my breakfast, with a hone and honero._
COKES. How is't, friend, have they hurt thee?
LEATH. O no: Between you and I, sir, we do but make show.-- _Thus, gentles, you perceive, without any denial, 'Twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendship's true trial. Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other. They fight you no more than does brother with brother; But friendly together, at the next man they meet, They let fly their anger, as here you might see't._
COKES. Well, we have seen it, and thou hast felt it, whatsoe'er thou sayest. What's next, what's next?
LEATH. _This while young Leander with fair Hero is drinking, And Hero grown drunk to any man's thinking! Yet was it not three pints of sherry could flaw her, Till Cupid distinguished like Jonas the drawer, From under his apron, where his lechery lurks, Put love in her sack. Now mark how it works._
PUP. HERO. _O Leander, Leander, my dear, my dear Leander, I'll for ever be thy goose, so thou'lt be my gander._
COKES. Excellently well said, Fiddle, she'll ever be his goose, so he'll be her gander; was't not so?
LEATH. Yes, sir, but mark his answer now.
PUP. LEAN. _And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed, I'll swim over the Thames, my goose, thee to tread._
COKES. Brave! he will swim over the Thames, and tread his goose to-night, he says.
LEATH. Ay, peace, sir, they'll be angry if they hear you eavesdropping, now they are setting their match.
PUP. LEAN. _But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend, Let thy window be provided of a candle's end._
PUP. HERO. _Fear not, my gander, I protest I should handle My matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle._
PUP. LEAN. _Well then, look to't, and kiss me to boot._
LEATH. _Now here come the friends again, Pythias and Damon, And under their clokes they have of bacon a gammon._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Drawer, fill some wine here._
LEATH. _How, some wine there! There's company already, sir, pray forbear._
PUP. DAMON. _'Tis Hero._
LEATH. _Yes, but she will not to be taken, After sack and fresh herring, with your Dunmow-bacon._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _You lie, it's Westfabian._
LEATH. _Westphalian_ you should say.
PUP. DAMON. _If you hold not your peace, you are a coxcomb, I would say._
[Leander and Hero kiss.
_What's here, what's here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss!_
LEATH. _Ay, wherefore should they not? what harm is in this? 'Tis mistress Hero._
PUP. DAMON. _Mistress Hero's a whore._
LEATH._ Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or, sir, knave, out of door._
PUP. DAMON. _Knave out of door?_
PUP. HERO. _Yes, knave out of door._
PUP. DAMON. _Whore out of door._
[They fall together by the ears.
PUP. HERO. _I say, knave out of door._
PUP. DAMON. _I say, whore out of door._
PUP. PYTHIAS. _Yea, so say I too._
PUP. HERO. _Kiss the whore o' the arse._
LEATH. _Now you have something to do: You must kiss her o' the arse, she says._
PUP. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. _So we will, so we will._
[They kick her.
PUP. HERO. _O my haunches, O my haunches, hold, hold._
LEATH. _Stand'st thou still! Leander, where, art thou? stand'st thou still like a sot, And not offer'st to break both their heads with a pot? See who's at thine elbow there! puppet Jonas and Cupid._
PUP. JONAS. _Upon 'em, Leander, be not so stupid._
PUP. LEAN. _You goat-bearded slave!_
PUP. DAMON. _You whore-master knave!_
[They fight.
PUP. LEAN. _Thou art a whore-master._
PUP. JONAS. _Whore-masters all._
LEATH. _See, Cupid with a word has tane up the brawl._
KNOCK. These be fine vapours!
COKES. By this good day, they fight bravely; do they not, Numps?
WASPE. Yes, they lack'd but you to be their second all this while.
LEATH. _This tragical encounter falling out thus to busy us, It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius; Not like a monarch, but the master of a school, In a scrivener's furr'd gown, which shews he is no fool: For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm. O Damon, he cries, and Pythias, what harm Hath poor Dionysius done you in his grave, That after his death you should fall out thus and rave, And call amorous Leander whore-master knave?_
PUP. DAMON. _I cannot, I will not, I promise you, endure it._
_RABBI BUSY rushes in._
BUSY. Down with Dagon! down with Dagon! 'tis I, I will no longer endure your profanations.
LEATH. What mean you, sir?
BUSY. I will remove Dagon there, I say, that idol, that heathenish idol, that remains, as I may say, a beam, a very beam,--not a beam of the sun, nor a beam of the moon, nor a beam of a balance, neither a house-beam, nor a weaver's beam, but a beam in the eye, in the eye of the brethren; a very great beam, an exceeding great beam; such as are your stage-players, rimers, and morrice-dancers, who have walked hand in hand, in contempt of the brethren, and the cause; and been born out by instruments of no mean countenance.
LEATH. Sir, I present nothing but what is licensed by authority.
BUSY. Thou art all license, even licentiousness itself, Shimei!
LEATH. I have the master of the revels' hand for't, sir.
BUSY. The master of the rebels' hand thou hast. Satan's! hold thy peace, thy scurrility, shut up thy mouth, thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for it thou dost plead for Baal. I have long opened my mouth wide, and gaped; I have gaped as the oyster for the tide, after thy destruction: but cannot compass it by suit or dispute; so that I look for a bickering, ere long, and then a battle.
KNOCK. Good Banbury vapours!
COKES. Friend, you'd have an ill match on't, if you bicker with him here; though he be no man of the fist, he has friends that will to cuffs for him. Numps, will not you take our side?
EDG. Sir, it shall not need; in my mind he offers him a fairer course, to end it by disputation: hast thou nothing to say for thyself, in defence of thy quality?
LEATH. Faith, sir, I am not well-studied in these controversies, between the hypocrites and us. But here's one of my motion, puppet Dionysius, shall undertake him, and I'll venture the cause on't.
COKES. Who, my hobby-horse! will he dispute with him?
LEATH. Yes, sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I hope.
COKES. That's excellent! indeed he looks like the best scholar of them all. Come, sir, you must be as good as your word now.
BUSY. I will not fear to make my spirit and gifts known: assist me zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make me full!
WINW. What a desperate, profane wretch is this! is there any ignorance or impudence like his, to call his zeal to fill him against a puppet?
QUAR. I know no fitter match than a puppet to commit with an hypocrite!
BUSY. First, I say unto thee, idol, thou hast no calling.
PUP. DION. _You lie, I am call'd Dionysius._
LEATH. The motion says, you lie, he is call'd Dionysius in the matter, and to that calling he answers.
BUSY. I mean no vocation, idol, no present lawful calling.
PUP. DION. _Is yours a lawful calling?_
LEATH. The motion asketh, if yours be a lawful calling.
BUSY. Yes, mine is of the spirit.
PUP. DION. _Then idol is a lawful calling._
LEATH. He says, then idol is a lawful calling; for you call'd him idol, and your calling is of the spirit.
COKES. Well disputed, hobby-horse.
BUSY. Take not part with the wicked, young gallant: he neigheth and hinnieth; all is but hinnying sophistry. I call him idol again; yet, I say, his calling, his profession is profane, it is profane, idol.
PUP. DION. _It is not profane._
LEATH. It is not profane, he says.
BUSY. It is profane.
PUP. DION. _It is not profane._
BUSY. It is profane.
PUP. DION. _It is not profane._
LEATH. Well said, confute him with _Not_, still. You cannot bear him down with your base noise, sir.
BUSY. Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though he creek like the chariot wheels of Satan; I am zealous for the cause--
LEATH. As a dog for a bone.
BUSY. And I say, it is profane, as being the page of Pride, and the waiting-woman of Vanity.
PUP. DION. _Yea! what say you to your tire-women, then?_
LEATH. Good.
PUP. DION. _Or feather-makers in the Friers, that are of your faction of faith? are not they with their perukes, and their puffs, their fans, and their huffs, as much pages of Pride, and waiters upon Vanity? What say you, what say you, what say you?_
BUSY. I will not answer for them.
PUP. DION. _Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a bugle-maker a lawful calling? or the confect-makers? such you have there; or your French fashioner? you would have all the sin within yourselves, would you not, would you not?_
BUSY. No, Dagon.
PUP. DION. _What then, Dagonet? is a puppet worse than these?_
BUSY. Yes, and my main argument against you is, that you are an abomination; for the male, among you, putteth on the apparel of the female, and the female of the male.
PUP. DION. _You lie, you lie, you lie abominably._
COKES. Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie thrice.
PUP. DION. _It is your old stale argument against the players, but it will not hold against the puppets; for we have neither male nor female amongst us. And that thou may'st see, if thou wilt, like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art._
[Takes up his garment.
EDG. By my faith, there he has answer'd you, friend, a plain demonstration.
PUP. DION. _Nay, I'll prove, against e'er a Rabbin of them all, that my standing is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration, as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he; and do scorn her helps as much as he._
BUSY. I am confuted, the cause hath failed me.
PUP. DION. _Then be converted, be converted._
LEATH. Be converted, I pray you, and let the play go on!
BUSY. Let it go on; for I am changed, and will become a beholder with you.
COKES. That's brave, i'faith, thou hast carried it away, hobby-horse; on with the play.
OVER. [_discovering himself._] Stay, now do I forbid; I am Adam Overdo! sit still, I charge you.
COKES. What, my brother-in-law!
GRACE. My wise guardian!
EDG. Justice Overdo!
OVER. It is time to take enormity by the forehead, and brand it; for I have discovered enough.
_Enter QUARLOUS in TROUBLEALL'S clothes, as before, and DAME PURECRAFT._
QUAR. Nay, come, mistress bride; you must do as I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth. I have here justice Overdo for it.
OVER. Peace, good Troubleall; come hither, and you shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you, and your friend too; you also, young man [_to Edgworth_] shall be my care; stand there.
EDG. Now, mercy upon me.
KNOCK. Would we were away, Whit, these are dangerous vapours; best fall off with our birds, for fear o' the cage.
[_They attempt to steal away._
OVER. Stay, is not my name your terror?
WHIT. Yesh fait, man, and it ish for tat we would be gone, man.
_Enter LITTLEWIT._
LIT. O, gentlemen! did you not see a wife of mine? I have lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted; my little pretty Win. I left her at the great woman's house in trust yonder, the pig-woman's, with captain Jordan, and captain Whit, very good men, and I cannot hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she's stepp'd aside. Mother, did you not see Win?
OVER. If this grave matron be your mother, sir, stand by her, _et digito compesce labellum;_ I may perhaps spring a wife for you anon. Brother Bartholomew, I am sadly sorry to see you so lightly given, and such a disciple of enormity, with your grave governor Humphrey: but stand you both there, in the middle place; I will reprehend you in your course. Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger.
WINW. Pardon me, sir, I am a kinsman of hers.
OVER. Are you so! of what name, sir?
WINW. Winwife, sir.
OVER. Master Winwife! I hope you have won no wife of her, sir; if you have, I will examine the possibility of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my enormities: look upon me, O London! and see me, O Smithfield! the example of justice, and Mirrour of Magistrates; the true top of formality, and scourge of enormity. Hearken unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries; and compare Hercules with me, if thou dar'st, of old; or Columbus, Magellan, or our countryman Drake, of later times. Stand forth, you weeds of enormity, and spread. First, Rabbi Busy, thou superlunatical hypocrite;--[_to Leatherhead._] Next thou other extremity, thou profane professor of puppetry, little better than poetry:--[_to Whit._] Then thou strong debaucher and seducer of youth; witness this easy and honest young man, [_pointing to Edgworth._]--[_to Knockem._] Now, thou esquire of dames, madams, and twelve-penny ladies.--Now, my green madam herself of the price; let me unmask your ladyship.
[_Discovers Mrs. Littlewit._
LIT. O my wife, my wife, my wife!
OVER. Is she your wife? _Redde te Harpocratem!_
_Enter TROUBLEALL, with a dripping-pan, followed by URSULA and NIGHTINGALE._
TRO. By your leave, stand by, my masters, be uncover'd.
URS. O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Nightingale; my pan, my pan!
OVER. What's the matter?
NIGHT. He has stolen gammar Ursula's pan.
TRO. Yes, and I fear no man but justice Overdo.
OVER. Ursula! where is she? O the sow of enormity, this! welcome, stand you there; you, songster, there.
URS. An't please your worship, I am in no fault: a gentleman stripped him in my booth, and borrowed his gown, and his hat; and he ran away with my goods here for it.
OVER. [_to Quarlous._] Then this is the true madman, and you are the enormity!
QUAR. You are in the right: I am mad but from the gown outward.
OVER. Stand you there.
QUAR. Where you please, sir.
MRS. OVER. [_waking_] O, lend me a bason, I am sick, I am sick! where's master Overdo? Bridget, call hither my Adam.
OVER. How!
[_He is shamed and silenced._
WHIT. Dy very own wife, i'fait, worshipful Adam.
MRS. OVER. Will not my Adam come at me? shall I see him no more then?
QUAR. Sir, why do you not go on with the enormity? are you oppressed with it? I'll help you: hark you, sir, in your ear--Your innocent young man, you have ta'en such care of all this day, is a cut-purse, that hath got all your brother Cokes' things, and helped you to your beating and the stocks; if you have a mind to hang him now, and shew him your magistrate's wit, you may: but I should think it were better recovering the goods, and to save your estimation in him. I thank you, sir, for the gift of your ward, mistress Grace; look you, here is your hand and seal, by the way. Master Winwife, give you joy, you are _Palemon_, you are possessed of the gentlewoman, but she must pay me value, here's warrant for it. And, honest madman, there's thy gown and cap again; I thank thee for my wife. Nay, I can be mad, sweet-heart, [_to Mrs. Purecraft_] when I please still; never fear me; and careful Numps, where's he? I thank him for my license.
WASPE. How!
QUAR. 'Tis true, Numps.
WASPE. I'll be hang'd then.
QUAR. Look in your box, Numps.--Nay, sir, [_to Overdo._] stand not you fix'd here, like a stake in Finsbury, to be shot at, or the whipping-post in the Fair, but get your wife out o' the air, it will make her worse else; and remember you are but Adam, flesh and blood! you have your frailty, forget your other name of Overdo, and invite us all to supper. There you and I will compare our discoveries; and drown the memory of all enormity in your biggest bowl at home.
COKES. How now, Numps, have you lost it? I warrant 'twas when thou wert in the stocks: Why dost not speak!
WASPE. I will never speak while I live again, for aught I know.
OVER. Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so too; this pleasant conceited gentleman hath wrought upon my judgment, and prevail'd: I pray you take care of your sick friend, mistress Alice, and my good friends all--
QUAR. And no _enormities._
OVER. I invite you home with me to my house to supper: I will have none fear to go along, for my intents are _ad correctionem, non ad destructionem; ad ædificandum, non ad diruendum_: so lead on.
COKES. Yes, and bring the actors along, we'll have the rest of the play at home.
[_Exeunt._
EPILOGUE.
_Your Majesty hath seen the play, and you Can best allow it from your ear and view. You know the scope of writers, and what store Of leave is given them, if they take not more, And turn it into license: you can tell If we have us'd that leave you gave us well; Or whether we to rage or license break, Or be profane, or make profane men speak: This is your power to judge, great sir, and not The envy of a few. Which if we have got, We value less what their dislike can bring, If it so happy be, t' have pleased the King._
Transcriber's Note
The text of this transcription is from the second volume of the "Everyman's Library" edition of Jonson's plays which was first published in 1910 by J.M. Dent in London. Images of a reprint of this edition are posted at:
archive.org/details/plays02jons
As a reference, a copy of the 1640 edition (i.e., the "Folio") made available by the University of California was also consulted. Images of this copy are posted at:
archive.org/details/workesofbenjamin00jons
Any transcription of a 1910 edition of a Jacobean text will run into some minor problems, and "Bartholomew Fair" poses its own special set of challenges. The goal of the Everyman's Library edition was to create a readable text, but editorial standards have changed since it was first published. Certain words from the Folio were censored. For example, "t--" is substituted for "turd". The Everyman's Library edition frequently spells out words that are contractions in the Folio, for example, substituting _in_ for _i'_ and _have_ for _ha'_. The Folio includes many stage directions, but there are inconsistencies, errors, and apparent omissions. As a corrective, the editor of the 1910 edition added more stage directions than more recent editors would. In the Folio, stage directions are printed in the margins to indicate that the action happens during the dialogue, and some lines are printed to the right of others to indicate simultaneous dialogue, for example, during Nightingale's song in Act III. The 1910 edition prints the text without columns or margins. Consequently some stage directions were changed, and the dialogue is printed sequentially, making it harder for the reader to get a sense of the stage action.
In general, this transcription retains the text of the Everyman's Library edition. Censored words have been restored, and a few errors have been corrected. Inconsistencies in the character titles have been corrected, and character names in stage directions have been spelled out. Following the Folio's conventions, the 1910 text italicizes text to set off songs or lines from the play within a play, though somewhat inconsistently. This use of italics has been made consistent. In the 1910 text, character titles preceding dialogue in a regular typeface are italicized, and character titles preceding the italicized text of songs or the play within the play are printed in a regular typeface. The html-based files of this transcription retain this use of contrasting regular and italicized typefaces. In the text version of this transcription, all character titles preceding dialogue and in stage directions for entrances are capitalized. The character titles of the puppets in Act V have been adjusted to help clarify which lines are part of the play within a play.
The following changes to the Everyman's Library text are noted:
- Cover: The cover has been edited from the original dust jacket.
- Title page: The 1910 text, which is part of an anthology of Jonson's plays, only has a title page for the collection. The text included in the title page for this etext is based on the text of the Folio's title page.
- p. 189: WASPE. Good master Hornet, t--in your teeth--Changed "t--in" to "turd in" as in the Folio.
- p. 189: and t--in your little wife's teeth too--Changed "t--in" to "turd in".
- p. 190: WASPE. Marry gip, goody She-justice, mistress Frenchhood! t--in your teeth, and t--in your Frenchhood's teeth too--Changed "t--in" to "turd in".
- p. 191: MRS. LIT. And I am, for the cosset his charge--Assigned this line to Winwife in keeping with the Folio.
- p. 192: OVER. You will not let him go, brother, and lose him?--For consistency, changed the character title "OVER." to "MRS. OVER."
- p. 193: GRA. Truly, I have no such fancy to the Fair--For consistency, changed the character title "GRA." to "GRACE."
- p. 195: For consistency with the rest of the text, changed the character title "BUS." to "BUSY."