Part 7

PURE. Yes, I have a warrant out of the word, to give thanks for removing any scorn intended to the brethren.

[_Exeunt all but Troubleall._

TRO. It is justice Overdo's warrant that I look for; if you have not that, keep your word, I'll keep mine. Quit ye, and multiply ye.

_Enter EDGWORTH and NIGHTINGALE._

EDG. Come away, Nightingale, I pray thee.

TRO. Whither go you? where's your warrant?

EDG. Warrant! for what, sir?

TRO. For what you go about, you know how fit it is; an you have no warrant, bless you, I'll pray for you, that's all I can do.

[_Exit._

EDG. What means he?

NIGHT. A madman that haunts the Fair; do you not know him? It's marvel he has not more followers after his ragged heels.

EDG. Beshrew him, he startled me: I thought he had known of our plot. Guilt's a terrible thing. Have you prepared the costard-monger?

NIGHT. Yes, and agreed for his basket of pears; he is at the corner here, ready. And your prize, he comes down sailing that way all alone, without his protector; he is rid of him, it seems.

EDG. Ay, I know; I should have followed his protectorship, for a feat I am to do upon him: but this offered itself so in the way, I could not let scape: here he comes, whistle; be this sport call'd Dorring the Dotterel.

_Re-enter COKES._

NIGHT. Wh, wh, wh, wh, etc.

[_Whistles._

COKES. By this light, I cannot find my gingerbread wife, nor my hobby-horse man, in all the Fair now, to have my money again: and I do not know the way out on't, to go home for more. Do you hear, friend, you that whistle? what tune is that you whistle?

NIGHT. A new tune I am practising, sir.

COKES. Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee? nay, on with thy tune; I have no such haste for an answer: I'll practise with thee.

_Enter COSTARD-MONGER, with a basket of Pears._

COS. Buy any pears, very fine pears, pears fine!

[_Nightingale sets his foot afore him, and he falls with his basket._

COKES. Ods so! a muss, a muss, a muss, a muss!

[_Falls a scrambling for the pears._

COS. Good gentlemen, my ware, my ware; I am a poor man. Good sir, my ware.

NIGHT. Let me hold your sword, sir, it troubles you.

COKES. Do, and my cloke an thou wilt, and my hat too.

EDG. A delicate great boy! methinks he out-scrambles them all. I cannot persuade myself, but he goes to grammar-school yet, and plays the truant to-day.

NIGHT. Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel.

EDG. Purse! a man might cut out his kidneys, I think, and he never feel 'em, he is so earnest at the sport.

NIGHT. His soul is half way out on's body at the game.

EDG. Away, Nightingale; that way.

[_Nightingale runs off with his sword, cloke, and hat._

COKES. I think I am furnish'd for cather'ne pears, for one under-meal: Give me my cloke.

COS. Good gentleman, give me my ware.

COKES. Where's the fellow I gave my cloke to? my cloke and my hat; ha! ods 'lid, is he gone? thieves, thieves! help me to cry, gentlemen.

[_Exit hastily._

EDG. Away, costard-monger, come to us to Ursula's.

[_Exit Costard-Monger._]

Talk of him to have a soul! 'heart, if he have any more than a thing given him instead of salt, only to keep him from stinking, I'll be hang'd afore my time, presently: where should it be, trow? in his blood? he has not so much toward it in his whole body as will maintain a good flea! and if he take this course, he will not have so much land left as to rear a calf, within this twelvemonth. Was there ever green plover so pull'd! that his little overseer had been here now, and been but tall enough to see him steal pears, in exchange for his beaver-hat and his cloke thus! I must go find him out next, for his black box, and his patent, it seems, he has of his place; which I think the gentleman would have a reversion of, that spoke to me for it so earnestly.

[_Exit._

_Re-enter COKES._

COKES. Would I might lose my doublet, and hose, too, as I am an honest man, and never stir, if I think there be any thing but thieving and cozening in this whole Fair. Bartholomew Fair, quoth he! an ever any Bartholomew had that luck in't that I have had, I'll be martyr'd for him, and in Smithfield too. I have paid for my pears, a rot on 'em! I'll keep them no longer; [_throws away his pears._] you were choke-pears to me: I had been better have gone to mum-chance for you, I wuss. Methinks the Fair should not have used me thus, an 'twere but for my name's-sake; I would not have used a dog o' the name so. O, Numps will triumph now!--

_Enter TROUBLEALL._

Friend, do you know who I am, or where I lie? I do not myself, I'll be sworn. Do but carry me home, and I'll please thee; I have money enough there. I have lost myself, and my cloke, and my hat, and my fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and mistress Grace, a gentlewoman that I should have married, and a cut-work handkerchief she gave me, and two purses, to-day; and my bargain of hobby-horses and gingerbread, which grieves me worst of all.

TRO. By whose warrant, sir, have you done all this?

COKES. Warrant! thou art a wise fellow indeed: as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing with.

TRO. Yes, justice Overdo's warrant, a man may get and lose with, I'll stand to't.

COKES. Justice Overdo! dost thou know him? I lie there, he is my brother-in-law, he married my sister: pray thee shew me the way; dost thou know the house?

TRO. Sir, shew me your warrant: I know nothing without a warrant, pardon me.

COKES. Why, I warrant thee; come along: thou shalt see I have wrought pillows there, and cambric sheets, and sweet bags too. Pray thee guide me to the house.

TRO. Sir, I'll tell you; go you thither yourself first alone, tell your worshipful brother your mind, and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his clerk's, with Adam Overdo underneath, (here I'll stay you,) I'll obey you, and I'll guide you presently.

COKES. 'Slid, this is an ass, I have found him: pox upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool! farewell! you are a very coxcomb, do you hear?

TRO. I think I am; if justice Overdo sign to it, I am, and so we are all: he'll quit us all, multiply us all.

[_Exeunt._

## SCENE II.--_Another part of the Fair._

_Enter GRACE, QUARLOUS, and WINWIFE, with their swords drawn._

GRACE. Gentlemen, this is no way that you take; you do but breed one another trouble and offence, and give me no contentment at all. I am not she that affects to be quarrell'd for, or have my name or fortune made the question of men's swords.

QUAR. 'Sblood, we love you.

GRACE. If you both love me, as you pretend, your own reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me: and to that point there leads a directer line, than by my infamy, which must follow, if you fight. 'Tis true, I have profest it to you ingenuously, that rather than to be yoked with this bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up any husband almost upon any trust; though subtlety would say to me, I know, he is a fool, and has an estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a friend beside: but these are not my aims; I must have a husband I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill make one of these politic wives.

WINW. Why, if you can like either of us, lady, say, which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.

QUAR. Content, I accord to that willingly.

GRACE. Sure you think me a woman of an extreme levity, gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that, meeting you by chance in such a place as this, both at one instant, and not yet of two hours' acquaintance, neither of you deserving afore the other of me, I should so forsake my modesty (though I might affect one more particularly) as to say, this is he, and name him.

QUAR. Why, wherefore should you not? what should hinder you?

GRACE. If you would not give it to my modesty, allow it yet to my wit; give me so much of woman and cunning, as not to betray myself impertinently. How can I judge of you, so far as to a choice, without knowing you more? You are both equal, and alike to me yet, and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you might be the man, if the other were away: for you are reasonable creatures, you have understanding and discourse; and if fate send me an understanding husband, I have no fear at all but mine own manners shall make him a good one.

QUAR. Would I were put forth to making for you then.

GRACE. It may be you are, you know not what is toward you: will you consent to a motion of mine, gentlemen?

WINW. Whatever it be, we'll presume reasonableness, coming from you.

QUAR. And fitness too.

GRACE. I saw one of you buy a pair of tables, e'en now.

WINW. Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, unwritten in.

GRACE. The fitter for what they may be employed in. You shall write either of you here a word or a name, what you like best, but of two or three syllables at most; and the next person that comes this way, because Destiny has a high hand in business of this nature, I'll demand which of the two words he or she doth approve, and, according to that sentence, fix my resolution and affection without change.

QUAR. Agreed; my word is conceived already.

WINW. And mine shall not be long creating after.

GRACE. But you shall promise, gentlemen, not to be curious to know which of you it is, taken; but give me leave to conceal that, till you have brought me either home, or where I may safely tender myself.

WINW. Why, that's but equal.

QUAR. We are pleased.

GRACE. Because I will bind both your endeavours to work together friendly and jointly each to the other's fortune, and have myself fitted with some means, to make him that is forsaken a part of amends.

QUAR. These conditions are very courteous. Well, my word is out of the Arcadia, then; _Argalus._

WINW. And mine out of the Play _Palemon._

[_They write._

_Enter TROUBLEALL._

TRO. Have you any warrant for this, gentlemen?

QUAR. WINW. Ha!

TRO. There must be a warrant had, believe it.

WINW. For what?

TRO. For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no matter what.

QUAR. 'Slight, here's a fine ragged prophet dropt down i' the nick!

TRO. Heaven quit you, gentlemen!

QUAR. Nay, stay a little: good lady, put him to the question.

GRACE. You are content then?

WINW. QUAR. Yes, yes.

GRACE. Sir, here are two names written--

TRO. Is justice Overdo one?

GRACE. How, sir! I pray you read them to yourself; it is for a wager between these gentlemen; and with a stroke, or any difference, mark which you approve best.

TRO. They may be both worshipful names for aught I know, mistress; but Adam Overdo had been worth three of them, I assure you in this place, that's in plain English.

GRACE. This man amazes me: I pray you like one of them, sir.

TRO. [_marks the book._] I do like him there, that has the best warrant, mistress, to save your longing, and (multiply him) it may be this. But I am still for justice Overdo, that's my conscience; and quit you.

WINW. Is it done, lady?

GRACE. Ay, and strangely, as ever I saw: what fellow is this, trow?

QUAR. No matter what, a fortune-teller we have made him; which is it, which is it?

GRACE. Nay, did you not promise not to inquire?

_Enter EDGWORTH._

QUAR. 'Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me.--Look, here's our Mercury come; the license arrives in the finest time too! 'tis but scraping out Cokes his name, and 'tis done.

WINW. How now, lime-twig, hast thou touch'd?

EDG. Not yet, sir; except you would go with me and see it, it is not worth speaking on. The act is nothing without a witness. Yonder he is, your man with the box, fallen into the finest company, and so transported with vapours! they have got in a northern clothier, and one Puppy, a western man, that's come to wrestle before my lord mayor anon, and captain Whit, and one Val. Cutting, that helps captain Jordan to roar, a circling boy; with whom your Numps is so taken, that you may strip him of his clothes, if you will. I'll undertake to geld him for you, if you had but a surgeon ready to sear him. And mistress Justice there, is the goodest woman! she does so love them all over in terms of justice and the style of authority, with her hood upright that--I beseech you come away, gentlemen, and see't.

QUAR. 'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair; what will you do, Ned?

WINW. Why, stay hereabout for you: mistress Wellborn must not be seen.

QUAR. Do so, and find out a priest in the mean time; I'll bring the license.--Lead, which way is't?

EDG. Here, sir, you are on the back o' the booth already; you may hear the noise.

[_Exeunt._

## SCENE III.--_Another part of the Fair._

URSULA'S Booth as before.

_KNOCKEM, WHIT, NORTHERN, PUPPY, CUTTING, WASPE, and MRS. OVERDO, discovered, all in a state of intoxication._

KNOCK. Whit, bid Val. Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, Whit, for a lift. [_Aside, to Whit._

NOR. I'll ne mare, I'll ne mare; the eale's too meeghty.

KNOCK. How now! my galloway nag the staggers, ha! Whit, give him a slit in the forehead. Chear up, man; a needle and thread to stitch his ears. I'd cure him now, an I had it, with a little butter and garlick, long pepper and grains. Where's my horn? I'll give him a mash presently, shall take away this dizziness.

PUP. Why, where are you, zurs? do you vlinch, and leave us in the zuds now?

NOR. I'll ne mare, I is e'en as vull as a paiper's bag, by my troth, I.

PUP. Do my northern cloth zhrink i' the wetting, ha?

KNOCK. Why, well said, old flea-bitten; thou'lt never tire I see.

[_They fall to their vapours again._

CUT. No, sir, but he may tire if it please him.

WHIT. Who told dee sho, that he vuld never teer, man?

CUT. No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.

KNOCK. Nay, I know nothing, sir, pardon me there.

_Enter behind, EDGWORTH with QUARLOUS._

EDG. They are at it still, sir; this they call vapours.

WHIT. He shall not pardon dee, captain: dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre'dee, shweet-heart, do not pardon him.

CUT. 'Slight, I'll pardon him, an I list, whosoever says nay to't.

QUAR. Where's Numps? I miss him.

WASPE. Why, I say nay to't.

QUAR. O, there he is.

KNOCK. To what do you say nay, sir?

[_Here they continue their game of vapours, which is nonsense. Every man to oppose the last man that spoke, whether it concern'd him, or no._

WASPE. To any thing, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.

WHIT. Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.

CUT. No, he must not like it at all, sir: there you are i' the wrong.

WHIT. I tink I bee; he musht not like it indeed.

CUT. Nay, then he both must and will like it, sir, for all you.

KNOCK. If he have reason, he may like it, sir.

WHIT. By no meensh, captain, upon reason, he may like nothing upon reason.

WASPE. I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will look for no reason, and he is an ass that either knows any, or looks for't from me.

CUT. Yes, in some sense you may have reason, sir.

WASPE. Ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.

WHIT. Pardon me, thou ougsht to grant him nothing in no shensh, if dou do love dyshelf, angry man.

WASPE. Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.

CUT. 'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.

WASPE. 'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't better, and I will grant him any thing, do you see.

KNOCK. He is in the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.

CUT. Nay, it is no sufficient vapour neither, I deny that.

KNOCK. Then it is a sweet vapour.

CUT. It may be a sweet vapour.

WASPE. Nay, it is no sweet vapour neither, sir, it stinks, and I'll stand to it.

WHIT. Yes, I tink it dosh shtink, captain: all vapour dosh shtink.

WASPE. Nay, then it does not stink, sir, and it shall not stink.

CUT. By your leave it may, sir.

WASPE. Ay, by my leave it may stink, I know that.

WHIT. Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot by thy leave, angry man.

WASPE. How can it not?

KNOCK. Nay, never question him, for he is in the right.

WHIT. Yesh, I am in de right, I confesh it, so ish de little man too.

WASPE. I'll have nothing confest that concerns me. I am not in the right, nor never was in the right, nor never will be in the right, while I am in my right mind.

CUT. Mind! why, here's no man minds you, sir, nor any thing else.

[_They drink again._

PUP. Vriend, will you mind this that we do?

[_Offering Northern the cup._

QUAR. Call you this vapours! this is such belching of quarrel as I never heard. Will you mind your business, sir?

EDG. You shall see, sir.

[_Goes up to Waspe._

NOR. I'll ne mare, my waimb warkes too mickle with this auready.

EDG. Will you take that, master Waspe, that nobody should mind you?

WASPE. Why, what have you to do? is't any matter to you?

EDG. No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though.

WASPE. Nor I wu' not be, now I think on't. Do you hear, new acquaintance? does no man mind me, say you?

CUT. Yes, sir, every man here minds you, but how?

WASPE. Nay, I care as little how as you do; that was not my question.

WHIT. No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man, i'faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I will fight for tee.

KNOCK. Fight for him, Whit! a gross vapour, he can fight for himself.

WASPE. It may be I can, but it may be I wu' not, how then?

CUT. Why then you may choose.

WASPE. Why, then I'll choose whether I choose or no.

KNOCK. I think you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.

WASPE. Nay then, I do think you do not think, and it is no resolute vapour.

CUT. Yes, in some sort he may allow you.

KNOCK. In no sort, sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing. You mistake the vapour.

WASPE. He mistakes nothing, sir, in no sort.

WHIT. Yes I pre dee now, let him mistake.

WASPE. A turd in your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.

KNOCK. Turd! ha, turd? a noisome vapour: strike, Whit. [_Aside to Whit._

[_They fall together by the ears, while Edgworth steals the license out of the box, and exit._

MRS. OVER. Why, gentlemen, why, gentlemen, I charge you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the king's name, and my husband's, put up your weapons, I shall be driven to commit you myself, else.

QUAR. Ha, ha, ha!

WASPE. Why do you laugh, sir?

QUAR. Sir, you'll allow me my christian liberty; I may laugh, I hope.

CUT. In some sort you may, and in some sort you may not, sir.

KNOCK. Nay, in some sort, sir, he may neither laugh nor hope in this company.

WASPE. Yes, then he may both laugh and hope in any sort, an't please him.

QUAR. Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.

WASPE. No exceedingly neither, sir.

KNOCK. No, that vapour is too lofty.

QUAR. Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours, I am not very good at it, but--

CUT. [_draws a circle on the ground._] Do you hear, sir? I would speak with you in circle.

QUAR. In circle, sir! what would you with me in circle?

CUT. Can you lend me a piece, a Jacobus, in circle?

QUAR. 'Slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.

CUT. Your beard's not well turn'd up, sir.

QUAR. How, rascal! are you playing with my beard? I'll break circle with you.

[_They all draw and fight._

PUP. NOR. Gentlemen, gentlemen!

KNOCK. [_aside to Whit._] Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good vapours.

[_Exit, while Whit takes up the swords, clokes, etc., and conceals them._

MRS. OVER. What mean you? are you rebels, gentlemen? shall I send out a serjeant at arms, or a writ of rebellion, against you? I'll commit you upon my woman-hood, for a riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.

[_Exeunt Quarlous and Cutting._

WASPE. Upon my justice-hood! marry shite o' your hood: you'll commit! spoke like a true justice of peace's wife indeed, and a fine female lawyer! turd in your teeth for a fee, now.

MRS. OVER. Why, Numps, in master Overdo's name, I charge you.

WASPE. Good mistress Underdo, hold your tongue.

MRS. OVER. Alas, poor Numps!

WASPE. Alas! and why _alas_ from you, I beseech you? or why _poor_ Numps, goody Rich? Am I come to be pitied by your tuft-taffata now? Why, mistress, I knew Adam the clerk, your husband, when he was Adam Scrivener, and writ for two-pence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, dame.--

_Enter BRISTLE and other Watchmen._

What are you, sir?

BRI. We be men, and no infidels; what is the matter here, and the noises, can you tell?

WASPE. Heart, what ha' you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quietness, but he must be put out on't by you! what are you?

BRI. Why, we be his majesty's watch, sir.

WASPE. Watch! 'sblood, you are a sweet watch indeed. A body would think, an you watch'd well a nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a day. Get you to your fleas and your flock-beds, you rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.

BRI. Down! yes, we will down, I warrant you: down with him, in his majesty's name, down, down with him, and carry him away to the pigeon-holes.

[_Some of the Watch seize Waspe, and carry him off._

MRS. OVER. I thank you, honest friends, in the behalf o' the crown, and the peace, and in master Overdo's name, for suppressing enormities.