Part 6
QUAR. 'Fore God I'd give half the Fair, an 'twere mine, for a cut-purse for him, to save his longing.
COKES. Look you, sister [_shews his purse again_], here, here, where is't now? which pocket is't in, for a wager?
WASPE. I beseech you leave your wagers, and let him end his matter, an't may be.
COKES. O, are you edified, Numps!
OVER. Indeed he does interrupt him too much: there Numps spoke to purpose. [_Aside._
COKES. Sister, I am an ass, I cannot keep my purse! [_Shews it again, and puts it up._]--On, on, I pray thee, friend.
NIGHT. _Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starv'd by thy nurse, Than live to be hanged for cutting a purse._
[_As Nightingale sings, Edgworth gets up to Cokes, and tickles him in the ear with a straw twice to draw his hand out of his pocket._
WINW. Will you see sport? look, there's a fellow gathers up to him, mark.
QUAR. Good, i'faith! O he has lighted on the wrong pocket.
WINW. He has it! 'fore God, he is a brave fellow: pity he should be detected.
NIGHT. _But O, you vile nation of cut-purses all, Relent and repent, and amend and be sound, And know that you ought not, by honest men's fall, Advance your own fortunes, to die above ground; And though you go gay In silks, as you may, It is not the highway to heaven (as they say). Repent then, repent you, for better, for worse, And kiss not the gallows for cutting a purse. Youth, youth, thou had'st better been starv'd by thy nurse, Than live to be hang'd for cutting a purse._
ALL. An excellent ballad! an excellent ballad!
EDG. Friend, let me have the first, let me have the first, I pray you.
[_As Nightingale reaches out the ballad, Edgworth slips the purse into his hand._
COKES. Pardon me, sir; first come first serv'd; and I'll buy the whole bundle too.
WINW. That conveyance was better than all, did you see't? he has given the purse to the ballad-singer.
QUAR. Has he?
EDG. Sir, I cry you mercy, I'll not hinder the poor man's profit; pray you, mistake me not.
COKES. Sir, I take you for an honest gentleman, if that be mistaking; I met you to-day afore: ha! humph! O Lord! my purse is gone, my purse, my purse, my purse!
WASPE. Come do not make a stir, and cry yourself an ass thorough the Fair afore your time.
COKES. Why, hast thou it, Numps? good Numps, how came you by it, I marle?
WASPE. I pray you seek some other gamester to play the fool with; you may lose it time enough, for all your Fair wit.
COKES. By this good hand, glove and all, I have lost it already if thou hast it not; feel else, and mistress Grace's handkerchief too, out of the t'other pocket.
WASPE. Why, 'tis well, very well, exceeding pretty and well.
EDG. Are you sure you have lost it, sir?
COKES. O Lord! yes; as I am an honest man, I had it but e'en now, at _Youth, youth._
NIGHT. I hope you suspect not me, sir?
EDG. Thee! that were a jest indeed! dost thou think the gentleman is foolish? where hadst thou hands, I pray thee? Away, ass, away!
[_Exit Nightingale._
OVER. I shall be beaten again, if I be spied. [_Aside, retiring._
EDG. Sir, I suspect an odd fellow, yonder, is stealing away.
MRS. OVER. Brother, it is the preaching fellow: you shall suspect him. He was at your t'other purse, you know! [_Seizes Overdo._]--Nay, stay, sir, and view the work you have done; an you be beneficed at the gallows, and preach there, thank your own handy-work.
COKES. Sir, you shall take no pride in your preferment, you shall be silenced quickly.
[_They seize Overdo._
OVER. What do you mean, sweet buds of gentility?
COKES. To have my pennyworths out on you, bud. No less than two purses a day serve you! I thought you a simple fellow, when my man Numps beat you in the morning, and pitied you.
MRS. OVER. So did I. I'll be sworn, brother; but now I see he is a lewd and pernicious enormity, as master Overdo calls him.
OVER. Mine own words turn'd upon me like swords! [_Aside._
COKES. Cannot a man's purse be at quiet for you in the master's pocket, but you must entice it forth, and debauch it!
[_Overdo is carried off._
WASPE. Sir, sir, keep your debauch, and your fine Bartholomew terms to yourself, and make as much on 'em as you please. But give me this from you in the mean time; I beseech you, see if I can look to this.
COKES. Why, Numps?
WASPE. Why! because you are an ass, sir, there's a reason the shortest way, an you will needs have it: now you have got the trick of losing, you'd lose your breech an 'twere loose. I know you, sir, come, deliver [_takes the box from him_], you'll go and crack the vermin you breed now, will you? 'tis very fine; will you have the truth on't? they are such retchless flies as you are, that blow cut-purses abroad in every corner; your foolish having of money makes them. An there were no wiser than I, sir, the trade should lie open for you, sir, it should, i'faith, sir. I would teach your wit to come to your head, sir, as well as your land to come into your hand, I assure you, sir.
WINW. Alack, good Numps!
WASPE. Nay, gentlemen, never pity me. I am not worth it: Lord send me at home once to Harrow o' the Hill, again, if I travel any more, call me Coriat with all my heart.
[_Exeunt Waspe, Cokes, and Mrs. Overdo, followed by Edgworth._
QUAR. [_stops Edgworth._] Stay, sir, I must have a word with you in private. Do you hear?
EDG. With me, sir! what's your pleasure, good sir?
QUAR. Do not deny it, you are a cut-purse, sir, this gentleman here and I saw you: nor do we mean to detect you, though we can sufficiently inform ourselves toward the danger of concealing you; but you must do us a piece of service.
EDG. Good gentlemen, do not undo me; I am a civil young man, and but a beginner indeed.
QUAR. Sir, your beginning shall bring on your ending for us: we are no catchpoles nor constables. That you are to undertake is this: you saw the old fellow with the black box here?
EDG. The little old governor, sir?
QUAR. That same: I see you have flown him to a mark already. I would have you get away that box from him, and bring it us.
EDG. Wou'd you have the box and all, sir, or only that that is in't? I'll get you that, and leave him the box to play with still, which will be the harder of the two, because I would gain your worship's good opinion of me.
WINW. He says well, 'tis the greater mastery, and 'twill make the more sport when 'tis mist.
EDG. Ay, and 'twill be the longer a missing, to draw on the sport.
QUAR. But look you do it now, sirrah, and keep your word, or--
EDG. Sir, if ever I break my word with a gentleman, may I never read word at my need. Where shall I find you?
QUAR. Somewhere i' the Fair, hereabouts: dispatch it quickly. [_Exit Edgworth._] I would fain see the careful fool deluded! Of all beasts, I love the serious ass; he that takes pains to be one, and plays the fool with the greatest diligence that can be.
GRACE. Then you would not choose, sir, but love my guardian, justice Overdo, who is answerable to that description in every hair of him.
QUAR. So I have heard. But how came you, mistress Wellborn, to be his ward, or have relation to him at first?
GRACE. Faith, through a common calamity, he bought me, sir; and now he will marry me to his wife's brother, this wise gentleman that you see; or else I must pay value o' my land.
QUAR. 'Slid, is there no device of disparagement, or so? talk with some crafty fellow, some picklock of the law: would I had studied a year longer in the Inns of court, an't had been but in your case.
WINW. Ay, master Quarlous, are you proffering! [_Aside._
GRACE. You'd bring but little aid, sir.
WINW. I'll look to you, in faith, gamester. [_Aside._]--An unfortunate foolish tribe you are fallen into, lady, I wonder you can endure them.
GRACE. Sir, they that cannot work their fetters off must wear them.
WINW. You see what care they have on you, to leave you thus.
GRACE. Faith, the same they have of themselves, sir. I cannot greatly complain, if this were all the plea I had against them.
WINW. 'Tis true: but will you please to withdraw with us a little, and make them think they have lost you. I hope our manners have been such hitherto, and our language, as will give you no cause to doubt yourself in our company.
GRACE. Sir, I will give myself no cause; I am so secure of mine own manners, as I suspect not yours.
QUAR. Look where John Littlewit comes.
WINW. Away, I'll not be seen by him.
QUAR. No, you were not best, he'd tell his mother, the widow.
WINW. Heart! what do you mean?
QUAR. Cry you mercy, is the wind there? must not the widow be named?
[_Exeunt._
_Enter LITTLEWIT from URSULA'S booth, followed by MRS. LITTLEWIT._
LIT. Do you hear, Win, Win?
MRS. LIT. What say you, John?
LIT. While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I'll tell you a thing, Win; we shall never see any sights in the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win: good Win, sweet Win, long to see some hobby-horses, and some drums, and rattles, and dogs, and fine devices, Win. The bull with the five legs, Win; and the great hog. Now you have begun with pig, you may long for any thing, Win, and so for my motion, Win.
MRS. LIT. But we shall not eat of the bull and the hog, John; how shall I long then?
LIT. O yes, Win: you may long to see, as well as to taste, Win: how did the pothecary's wife, Win, that longed to see the anatomy, Win? or the lady, Win, that desired to spit in the great lawyer's mouth, after an eloquent pleading? I assure you, they longed, Win; good Win, go in, and long.
[_Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewit._
TRASH. I think we are rid of our new customer, brother Leatherhead, we shall hear no more of him.
LEATH. All the better; let's pack up all and begone, before he find us.
TRASH. Stay a little, yonder comes a company; it may be we may take some more money.
_Enter KNOCKEM and BUSY._
KNOCK. Sir, I will take your counsel, and cut my hair, and leave vapours: I see that tobacco, and bottle-ale, and pig, and Whit, and very Ursla herself, is all vanity.
BUSY. Only pig was not comprehended in my admonition, the rest were: for long hair, it is an ensign of pride, a banner; and the world is full of those banners, very full of banners. And bottle-ale is a drink of Satan's, a diet-drink of Satan's, devised to puff us up, and make us swell in this latter age of vanity; as the smoke of tobacco, to keep us in mist and error: but the fleshly woman, which you call Ursla, is above all to be avoided, having the marks upon her of the three enemies of man; the world, as being in the Fair; the devil, as being in the fire; and the flesh, as being herself.
_Enter DAME PURECRAFT._
PURE. Brother Zeal-of-the-land! what shall we do? my daughter Win-the-fight is fallen into her fit of longing again.
BUSY. For more pig! there is no more, is there?
PURE. To see some sights in the Fair.
BUSY. Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place swiftly, lest she partake of the pitch thereof. Thou art the seat of the beast, O Smithfield, and I will leave thee! Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee.
[_Goes forward._
KNOCK. An excellent right hypocrite! now his belly is full, he falls a railing and kicking, the jade. A very good vapour! I'll in, and joy Ursla, with telling how her pig works; two and a half he eat to his share; and he has drunk a pailful. He eats with his eyes, as well as his teeth.
[_Exit._
LEATH. What do you lack, gentlemen? what is't you buy? rattles, drums, babies--
BUSY. Peace, with thy apocryphal wares, thou profane publican; thy bells, thy dragons, and thy Tobie's dogs. Thy hobby-horse is an idol, a very idol, a fierce and rank idol; and thou, the Nebuchadnezzar, the proud Nebuchadnezzar of the Fair, that sett'st it up, for children to fall down to, and worship.
LEATH. Cry you mercy, sir; will you buy a fiddle to fill up your noise?
_Re-enter LITTLEWIT and his Wife._
LIT. Look, Win, do, look a God's name, and save your longing. Here be fine sights.
PURE. Ay, child, so you hate them, as our brother Zeal does, you may look on them.
LEATH. Or what do you say to a drum, sir?
BUSY. It is the broken belly of the beast, and thy bellows there are his lungs, and these pipes are his throat, those feathers are of his tail, and thy rattles the gnashing of his teeth.
TRASH. And what's my gingerbread, I pray you?
BUSY. The provender that pricks him up. Hence with thy basket of popery, thy nest of images, and whole legend of ginger-work.
LEATH. Sir, if you be not quiet the quicklier, I'll have you clapp'd fairly by the heels, for disturbing the Fair.
BUSY. The sin of the Fair provokes me, I cannot be silent.
PURE. Good brother Zeal!
LEATH. Sir, I'll make you silent, believe it.
LIT. I'd give a shilling you could, i'faith, friend. [_Aside to Leatherhead._
LEATH. Sir, give me your shilling, I'll give you my shop, if I do not; and I'll leave it in pawn with you in the mean time.
LIT. A match, i'faith; but do it quickly then.
[_Exit Leatherhead._
BUSY. [_to Mrs. Purecraft._] Hinder me not, woman I was moved in spirit, to be here this day, in this Fair, this wicked and foul Fair; and fitter may it be called a Foul than a Fair; to protest against the abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the afflicted saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the merchandise of Babylon again, and the peeping of popery upon the stalls here, here, in the high places. See you not Goldylocks, the purple strumpet there, in her yellow gown and green sleeves? the profane pipes, the tinkling timbrels? a shop of relicks!
[_Attempts to seize the toys._
LIT. Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with them.
BUSY. And this idolatrous grove of images, this flasket of idols, which I will pull down--
[_Overthrows the gingerbread basket._
TRASH. O my ware, my ware! God bless it!
BUSY. In my zeal and glory to be thus exercised.
_Re-enter LEATHERHEAD, with BRISTLE, HAGGISE, and other Officers._
LEATH. Here he is, pray you lay hold on his zeal; we cannot sell a whistle for him in tune. Stop his noise first.
BUSY. Thou canst not; 'tis a sanctified noise: I will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted the profane enemy. And for this cause--
LEATH. Sir, here's no man afraid of you, or your cause. You shall swear it in the stocks, sir.
BUSY. I will thrust myself into the stocks, upon the pikes of the land.
[_They seize him._
LEATH. Carry him away.
PURE. What do you mean, wicked men?
BUSY. Let them alone, I fear them not.
[_Exeunt Officers with Busy, followed by Dame Purecraft._
LIT. Was not this shilling well ventured, Win, for our liberty? now we may go play, and see over the Fair, where we list ourselves: my mother is gone after him, and let her e'en go, and lose us.
MRS. LIT. Yes, John; but I know not what to do.
LIT. For what, Win?
MRS. LIT. For a thing I am ashamed to tell you, i'faith; and 'tis too far to go home.
LIT. I pray thee be not ashamed, Win. Come, i'faith, thou shalt not be ashamed: is it any thing about the hobby-horse man? an't be, speak freely.
MRS. LIT. Hang him, base Bobchin, I scorn him; no, I have very great what sha' call 'um, John.
[_Whispers him._
LIT. O, is that all, Win? we'll go back to captain Jordan, to the pig-woman's, Win, he'll help us, or she, with a dripping-pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win; and after we'll visit the Fair all over, Win, and see my puppet-play, Win; you know it's a fine matter, Win.
[_Exeunt Littlewit and Mrs. Littlewit._
LEATH. Let's away; I counsell'd you to pack up afore, Joan.
TRASH. A pox of his Bedlam purity! He has spoiled half my ware; but the best is, we lose nothing if we miss our first merchant.
LEATH. It shall be hard for him to find or know us, when we are translated, Joan.
[_Exeunt._
## ACT IV
## SCENE I.--_The Fair._
Booths, Stalls, a pair of Stocks, etc.
_Enter COKES, BRISTLE, HAGGISE, and POCHER, with OVERDO, followed by TROUBLEALL._
TRO. My masters, I do make no doubt, but you are officers.
BRI. What then, sir?
TRO. And the king's loving and obedient subjects.
BRI. Obedient, friend! take heed what you speak, I advise you; Oliver Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, we grant you; but not his obedient, at this time, by your leave; we know ourselves a little better than so; we are to command, sir, and such as you are to be obedient. Here's one of his obedient subjects going to the stocks; and we'll make you such another, if you talk.
TRO. You are all wise enough in your places, I know.
BRI. If you know it, sir, why do you bring it in question?
TRO. I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you have warrant for what you do, and so quit you, and so multiply you.
[_Exit._
HAG. What is he?--Bring him up to the stocks there. Why bring you him not up?
[_Overdo is brought forward._
_Re-enter TROUBLEALL._
TRO. If you have justice Overdo's warrant, 'tis well; you are safe: that is the warrant of warrants. I'll not give this button for any man's warrant else.
BRI. Like enough, sir; but let me tell you, an you play away your buttons thus, you will want them ere night, for any store I see about you; you might keep them, and save pins, I wuss.
[_Exit Troubleall._
OVER. What should he be, that doth so esteem and advance my warrant? he seems a sober and discreet person: It is a comfort to a good conscience to be followed with a good fame in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity; and it will beget a kind of reverence towards me hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall see, I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither break me, nor bend me. [_Aside._
HAG. Come, sir, here's a place for you to preach in. Will you put in your leg?
OVER. That I will, cheerfully.
[_They put him in the stocks._
BRI. O' my conscience, a seminary! he kisses the stocks.
COKES. Well, my masters, I'll leave him with you; now I see him bestowed, I'll go look for my goods, and Numps.
HAG. You may, sir, I warrant you; where's the t'other bawler? fetch him too, you shall find them both fast enough.
[_Exit Cokes._
OVER. In the midst of this tumult, I will yet be the author of mine own rest, and not minding their fury, sit in the stocks in that calm as shall be able to trouble a triumph. [_Aside._
_Re-enter TROUBLEALL._
TRO. Do you assure me upon your words? May I undertake for you, if I be asked the question, that you have this warrant?
HAG. What's this fellow, for God's sake?
TRO. Do but shew me Adam Overdo, and I am satisfied.
[_Exit._
BRI. He is a fellow that is distracted, they say; one Troubleall: he was an officer in the court of Pie-poudres here last year, and put out of his place by justice Overdo.
OVER. Ha! [_Aside._
BRI. Upon which he took an idle conceit, and is run mad upon't: so that ever since he will do nothing but by justice Overdo's warrant; he will not eat a crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel ready. His wife, sir-reverence, cannot get him make his water, or shift his shirt, without his warrant.
OVER. If this be true, this is my greatest disaster. How am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits! where there is no room left for dissembling. [_Aside._
_Re-enter TROUBLEALL._
TRO. If you cannot shew me Adam Overdo, I am in doubt of you; I am afraid you cannot answer it.
[_Exit._
HAG. Before me, neighbour Bristle,--and now I think on't better,--justice Overdo is a very parantory person.
BRI. O, are you advised of that! and a severe justicer, by your leave.
OVER. Do I hear ill o' that side too? [_Aside._
BRI. He will sit as upright on the bench, an you mark him, as a candle in the socket, and give light to the whole court in every business.
HAG. But he will burn blue, and swell like a boil, God bless us, an he be angry.
BRI. Ay, and he will be angry too, when he lists, that's more; and when he is angry, be it right or wrong, he has the law on's side ever; I mark that too.
OVER. I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion may become a justice, though it be a weakness, I confess, and nearer a vice than a virtue. [_Aside._
HAG. Well, take him out o' the stocks again; we'll go a sure way to work, we'll have the ace of hearts of our side, if we can.
[_They take Overdo out._
_Enter POCHER, and Officers with BUSY, followed by DAME PURECRAFT._
POCH. Come, bring him away to his fellow there.--Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though we cannot rule your tongue.
BUSY. No, minister of darkness, no; thou canst not rule my tongue; my tongue it is mine own, and with it I will both knock and mock down your Bartholomew abominations, till you be made a hissing to the neighbouring parishes round about.
HAG. Let him alone, we have devised better upon't.
PURE. And shall he not into the stocks then?
BRI. No, mistress, we'll have them both to justice Overdo, and let him do over 'em as is fitting: then I, and my gossip Haggise, and my beadle Pocher, are discharged.
PURE. O, I thank you, blessed honest men!
BRI. Nay, never thank us; but thank this madman that comes here! he put it in our heads.
_Re-enter TROUBLEALL._
PURE. Is he mad? now heaven increase his madness, and bless it, and thank it.--Sir, your poor handmaid thanks you.
TRO. Have you a warrant? an you have a warrant, shew it.