Part 9
PURE. I must uncover myself unto him, or I shall never enjoy him, for all the cunning men's promises. [_Aside._] Good sir, hear me, I am worth six thousand pound, my love to you is become my rack; I'll tell you all and the truth, since you hate the hypocrisy of the party-coloured brotherhood. These seven years I have been a wilful holy widow, only to draw feasts and gifts from my entangled suitors: I am also by office an assisting sister of the deacons, and a devourer, instead of a distributor of the alms. I am a special maker of marriages for our decayed brethren with our rich widows, for a third part of their wealth, when they are married, for the relief of the poor elect: as also our poor handsome young virgins, with our wealthy bachelors or widowers; to make them steal from their husbands, when I have confirmed them in the faith, and got all put into their custodies. And if I have not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding drab into a silent minister, than make me leave pronouncing reprobation and damnation unto them. Our elder, Zeal-of-the-land, would have had me, but I know him to be the capital knave of the land, making himself rich, by being made a feoffee in trust to deceased brethren, and cozening their heirs, by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus having eased my conscience, and utter'd my heart with the tongue of my love; enjoy all my deceits together, I beseech you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in time I think you are mad, and I hope you'll think me so too, sir?
QUAR. Stand aside, I'll answer you presently. [_He walks by._] Why should I not marry this six thousand pound, now I think on't, and a good trade too that she has beside, ha? The t'other wench Winwife is sure of; there's no expectation for me there. Here I may make myself some saver yet, if she continue mad, there's the question. It is money that I want, why should not I marry the money when 'tis offer'd me? I have a license and all, it is but razing out one name, and putting in another. There's no playing with a man's fortune! I am resolved: I were truly mad an I would not!--Well, come your ways, follow me, an you will be mad, I'll shew you a warrant!
[_Takes her along with him._
PURE. Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire.
OVER. [_stopping him._] Sir, let me speak with you.
QUAR. By whose warrant?
OVER. The warrant that you tender, and respect so; Justice Overdo's. I am the man, friend Troubleall, though thus disguised (as the careful magistrate ought) for the good of the republic in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you want a house, or meat, or drink, or clothes? speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you; what want you?
QUAR. Nothing but your warrant.
OVER. My warrant! for what?
QUAR. To be gone, sir.
OVER. Nay, I pray thee stay; I am serious, and have not many words, nor much time to exchange with thee. Think what may do thee good.
QUAR. Your hand and seal will do me a great deal of good; nothing else in the whole Fair that I know.
OVER. If it were to any end, thou shouldst have it willingly.
QUAR. Why, it will satisfy me, that's end enough to look on; an you will not give it me, let me go.
OVER. Alas! thou shalt have it presently; I'll but step into the scrivener's here by, and bring it. Do not go away.
[_Exit._
QUAR. Why, this madman's shape will prove a very fortunate one, I think. Can a ragged robe produce these effects? if this be the wise justice, and he bring me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on't.
_Re-enter OVERDO._
He is come already!
OVER. Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Overdo; if there be any thing to be written above in that paper that thou want'st now, or at any time hereafter, think on't, it is my deed. I deliver it so; can your friend write?
QUAR. Her hand for a witness, and all is well.
OVER. With all my heart.
[_He urges her to sign it._
QUAR. Why should not I have the conscience to make this a bond of a thousand pound now, or what I would else? [_Aside._
OVER. Look you, there it is, and I deliver it as my deed again.
QUAR. Let us now proceed in madness.
[_Exeunt Quarlous and Dame Purecraft._
OVER. Well, my conscience is much eased; I have done my part, though it doth him no good; yet Adam hath offered satisfaction. The sting is removed from hence! Poor man, he is much altered with his affliction, it has brought him low. Now for my other work, reducing the young man, I have followed so long in love, from the brink of his bane to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such-like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time.
[_Exit._
## SCENE III.--_Another part of the Fair._
The Puppet-show Booth, as before.
_Enter SHARKWELL and FILCHER, with bills, and COKES in his doublet and hose, followed by the Boys of the Fair._
COKES. How now! what's here to do, friend? art thou the master of the monuments?
SHARK. 'Tis a motion, an't please your worship.
_Enter OVERDO behind._
OVER. My fantastical brother-in-law, master Bartholomew Cokes!
COKES. A motion! what's that! [_Reads._] _The ancient modern history of Hero and Leander, otherwise called the Touchstone of true Love, with as true a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two faithful friends o' the Bank-side._--Pretty, i'faith, what's the meaning on't? is't an interlude, or what is't?
FILCH. Yes, sir, please you come near, we'll take your money within.
COKES. Back with these children; they do so follow me up and down!
_Enter LITTLEWIT._
LIT. By your leave, friend.
FILCH. You must pay, sir, an you go in.
LIT. Who, I! I perceive thou know'st not me; call the master of the motion.
SHARK. What, do you not know the author, fellow Filcher? You must take no money of him; he must come in gratis: master Littlewit is a voluntary; he is the author.
LIT. Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have any notice taken that I am the author, till we see how it passes.
COKES. Master Littlewit, how dost thou?
LIT. Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met: what, in your doublet and hose, without a cloke or a hat?
COKES. I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that fire; I have lost all in the Fair, and all my acquaintance too; didst thou meet any body that I know, master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdo, or mistress Grace? Pray thee, master Littlewit, lend me some money to see the interlude here; I'll pay thee again, as I am a gentleman. If thou'lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.
LIT. O, sir, you shall command it; what, will a crown serve you?
COKES. I think it will; what do we pay for coming in, fellows?
FILCH. Two-pence, sir.
COKES. Two-pence! there's twelve-pence, friend: nay, I am a gallant, as simple as I look now; if you see me with my man about me, and my artillery again.
LIT. Your man was in the stocks e'en now, sir.
COKES. Who, Numps?
LIT. Yes, faith.
COKES. For what, i'faith? I am glad o' that; remember to tell me on't anon; I have enough now. What manner of matter is this, master Littlewit? what kind of actors have you? are they good actors?
LIT. Pretty youths, sir, all children both old and young; here's the master of 'em--
_Enter LEATHERHEAD._
LEATH. [_aside to Littlewit._] Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.
LIT. Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.
COKES. In good time, sir! I would fain see them, I would be glad to drink with the young company; which is the tiring-house?
LEATH. Troth, sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in't.
COKES. No! not now my hat is off? what would you have done with me, if you had had me feather and all, as I was once to-day? Have you none of your pretty impudent boys now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? Let me see some of your actors.
LIT. Shew him them, shew him them. Master Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the quality.
[_Exit Leatherhead._
OVER. Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is the consumption of many a young gentleman; a pernicious enormity. [_Aside._
_Re-enter LEATHERHEAD, with a basket._
COKES. What! do they live in baskets?
LEATH. They do lie in a basket, sir, they are o' the small players.
COKES. These be players minors indeed. Do you call these players?
LEATH. They are actors, sir, and as good as any, none dispraised, for dumb shows: indeed, I am the mouth of them all.
COKES. Thy mouth will hold them all. I think one tailor would go near to beat all this company with a hand bound behind him.
LIT. Ay, and eat them all too, an they were in cake-bread.
COKES. I thank you for that, master Littlewit; a good jest! Which is your Burbage now?
LEATH. What mean you by that, sir?
COKES. Your best actor, your Field?
LIT. Good, i'faith! you are even with me, sir.
LEATH. This is he, that acts young Leander, sir: he is extremely beloved of the womenkind, they do so affect his action, the green gamesters, that come here! and this is lovely Hero: this with the beard, Damon; and this pretty Pythias: this is the ghost of king Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener; as you shall see anon at large.
COKES. Well, they are a civil company, I like 'em for that; they offer not to fleer, nor jeer, nor break jests, as the great players do: and then, there goes not so much charge to the feasting of them, or making them drunk, as to the other, by reason of their littleness. Do they use to play perfect? are they never fluster'd?
LEATH. No, sir, I thank my industry and policy for it; they are as well govern'd a company, though I say it----And here is young Leander, is as proper an actor of his inches, and shakes his head like an hostler.
COKES. But do you play it according to the printed book? I have read that.
LEATH. By no means, sir.
COKES. No! how then?
LEATH. A better way, sir; that is too learned and poetical for our audience: what do they know what _Hellespont_ is, _guilty of true love's blood?_ or what _Abydos_ is? or _the other, Sestos hight?_
COKES. Thou art in the right; I do not know myself.
LEATH. No, I have entreated master Littlewit to take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our people.
COKES. How, I pray thee, good master Littlewit?
LIT. It pleases him to make a matter of it, sir; but there is no such matter, I assure you: I have only made it a little easy, and modern for the times, sir, that's all. As for the Hellespont, I imagine our Thames here; and then Leander I make a dyer's son about Puddle-wharf: and Hero a wench o' the Bank-side, who going over one morning to Old Fish-street, Leander spies her land at Trig-stairs, and falls in love with her. Now do I introduce Cupid, having metamorphosed himself into a drawer, and he strikes Hero in love with a pint of sherry; and other pretty passages there are of the friendship, that will delight you, sir, and please you of judgment.
COKES. I'll be sworn they shall: I am in love with the actors already, and I'll be allied to them presently.--They respect gentlemen, these fellows:--Hero shall be my fairing: but which of my fairings?--let me see--i'faith, my fiddle; and Leander my fiddlestick: then Damon my drum, and Pythias my pipe, and the ghost of Dionysius my hobby-horse. All fitted.
_Enter WINWIFE and GRACE._
WINW. Look, yonder's your Cokes gotten in among his play-fellows; I thought we could not miss him at such a spectacle.
GRACE. Let him alone, he is so busy he will never spy us.
LEATH. Nay, good sir! [_To Cokes, who is handling the puppets._
COKES. I warrant thee I will not hurt her, fellow; what, dost thou think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous; I am toward a wife.
LIT. Well, good master Lantern, make ready to begin that I may fetch my wife; and look you be perfect, you undo me else, in my reputation.
LEATH. I warrant you, sir, do not you breed too great an expectation of it among your friends; that's the hurter of these things.
LIT. No, no, no.
[_Exit._
COKES. I'll stay here and see: pray thee let me see.
WINW. How diligent and troublesome he is!
GRACE. The place becomes him, methinks.
OVER. My ward, mistress Grace, in the company of a stranger! I doubt I shall be compell'd to discover myself before my time. [_Aside._
_Enter KNOCKEM, EDGWORTH, and MRS. LITTLEWIT, followed by WHIT supporting MRS. OVERDO, masked._
FILCH. Two-pence apiece, gentlemen, an excellent motion.
KNOCK. Shall we have fine fire-works, and good vapours?
SHARK. Yes, captain, and water-works too.
WHIT. I pree dee take care o' dy shmall lady there, Edgworth; I will look to dish tall lady myself.
LEATH. Welcome, gentlemen, welcome, gentlemen.
WHIT. Predee mashter o' the monshtersh, help a very sick lady here to a chair to shit in.
LEATH. Presently, sir.
[_A chair is brought in for Mrs. Overdo._
WHIT. Good fait now, Ursula's ale and acqua-vitæ ish to blame for't; shit down, shweet-heart, shit down and sleep a little.
EDG. [_to Mrs. Littlewit._] Madam, you are very welcome hither.
KNOCK. Yes, and you shall see very good vapours.
OVER. Here is my care come! I like to see him in so good company: and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion should resort hither. [_Aside._
EDG. There is a very private house, madam.
LEATH. Will it please your ladyship sit, madam?
MRS. LIT. Yes, goodman. They do so all-to-be-madam me, I think they think me a very lady.
EDG. What else, madam?
MRS. LIT. Must I put off my mask to him?
EDG. O, by no means.
MRS. LIT. How should my husband know me then?
KNOCK. Husband! an idle vapour; he must not know you, nor you him: there's the true vapour.
OVER. Yea! I will observe more of this. [_Aside._] Is this a lady, friend?
WHIT. Ay, and dat is anoder lady, shweet-heart; if dou hasht a mind to 'em, give me twelve-pence from tee, and dou shalt have eder oder on 'em.
OVER. Ay, this will prove my chiefest enormity: I will follow this. [_Aside._
EDG. Is not this a finer life, lady, than to be clogg'd with a husband?
MRS. LIT. Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow, in the name o' the motion?
EDG. By and by, madam; they stay but for company.
KNOCK. Do you hear, puppet-master, these are tedious vapours, when begin you?
LEATH. We stay but for master Littlewit, the author, who is gone for his wife: and we begin presently.
MRS. LIT. That's I, that's I.
EDG. That was you, lady; but now you are no such poor thing.
KNOCK. Hang the author's wife, a running vapour! here be ladies will stay for ne'er a Delia of them all.
WHIT. But hear me now, here ish one o' de ladish ashleep, stay till shee but vake, man.
_Enter WASPE._
WASPE. How now, friends! what's here to do?
FILCH. Two-pence apiece, sir, the best motion in the Fair.
WASPE. I believe you lie; if you do, I'll have my money again, and beat you.
MRS. LIT. Numps is come!
WASPE. Did you see a master of mine come in here, a tall young 'squire of Harrow o' the Hill, master Bartholomew Cokes?
FILCH. I think there be such a one within.
WASPE. Look he be, you were best: but it is very likely: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I have been at the Eagle, and the Black Wolf, and the Bull with the five legs and two pizzles:--he was a calf at Uxbridge fair two years agone--and at the dogs that dance the morrice, and the hare of the Tabor; and mist him at all these! Sure this must needs be some fine sight that holds him so, if it have him.
COKES. Come, come, are you ready now?
LEATH. Presently, sir.
WASPE. Hoyday, he's at work in his doublet and hose! do you hear, sir, are you employ'd, that you are bare-headed and so busy?
COKES. Hold your peace, Numps; you have been in the stocks, I hear.
WASPE. Does he know that! nay, then the date of my authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my government is at an end. He that will correct another must want fault in himself.
WINW. Sententious Numps! I never heard so much from him before.
LEATH. Sure master Littlewit will not come; please you take your place, sir; we'll begin.
COKES. I pray thee do, mine ears long to be at it, and my eyes too. O Numps, in the stocks, Numps! where's your sword, Numps!
WASPE. I pray you intend your game, sir, let me alone.
COKES. Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down, Numps; I'll interpret to thee: did you see mistress Grace? It's no matter, neither, now I think on't, tell me anon.
WINW. A great deal of love and care he expresses!
GRACE. Alas, would you have him to express more than he has? that were tyranny.
COKES. Peace, ho! now, now.
LEATH. _Gentles, that no longer your expectations may wander, Behold our chief actor, amorous Leander. With a great deal of cloth, lapp'd about him like a scarf, For he yet serves his father, a dyer at Puddle-wharf; Which place we'll make bold with, to call it our Abydus, As the Bank-side is our Sestos; and let it not be deny'd us. Now as he is beating to make the dye take the fuller, Who chances to come by, but fair Hero in a sculler; And seeing Leander's naked leg and goodly calf, Cast at him from the boat a sheep's eye and an half. Now she is landed, and the sculler come back, By and by you shall see what Leander doth lack._
PUP. LEAN. _Cole, Cole, old Cole!_
LEATH. _That is the sculler's name without controul._
PUP. LEAN. _Cole, Cole, I say, Cole!_
LEATH. _We do hear you._
PUP. LEAN. _Old Cole._
LEATH. _Old Cole! is the dyer turn'd collier? how do you sell?_
PUP. LEAN. _A pox o' your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell._
LEATH. _Kiss your hole and smell! there's manners indeed._
PUP. LEAN. _Why, Cole, I say, Cole!_
LEATH. _Is't the sculler you need?_
PUP. LEAN. _Ay, and be hanged._
LEATH. _Be hang'd! look you yonder. Old Cole, you must go hang with master Leander._
PUP. COLE. _Where is he?_
PUP. LEAN. _Here, Cole: what fairest of fairs, Was that fare that thou landedst but now at Trig-stairs?_
COKES. What was that, fellow? pray thee tell me, I scarce understand them.
LEATH. _Leander does ask, sir, what fairest of fairs, Was the fare he landed but now at Trig-stairs?_
PUP. COLE. _It is lovely Hero._
PUP. LEAN. _Nero?_
PUP. COLE. _No, Hero._
LEATH. _It is Hero Of the Bank-side, he saith, to tell you truth without erring, Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring. Leander says no more, but as fast as he can, Gets on all his best clothes, and will after to the Swan._
COKES. Most admirable good, is't not?
LEATH. _Stay, sculler._
PUP. COLE. _What say you?_
LEATH. _You must stay for Leander, And carry him to the wench._
PUP. COLE. _You rogue, I am no pander._
COKES. He says he is no pander. 'Tis a fine language: I understand it now.
LEATH. _Are you no pander, goodman Cole? here's no man says you are; You'll grow a hot cole, it seems; pray you stay for your fare._
PUP. COLE. _Will he come away?_
LEATH. _What do you say?_
PUP. COLE. _I'd have him come away._
LEATH. _Would you have Leander come away? why, pray, sir, stay. You are angry, goodman Cole; I believe the fair maid Came over with you a' trust: tell us, sculler, are you paid?_
PUP. COLE. _Yes, goodman Hogrubber of Pickthatch._
LEATH. _How, Hogrubber of Pickthatch?_
PUP. COLE. _Ay, Hogrubber of Pickthatch. Take you that._
[Strikes him over the pate.
LEATH. _O, my head!_
PUP. COLE. _Harm watch, harm catch!_
COKES. _Harm watch, harm catch_, he says; very good, i'faith: the sculler had like to have knock'd you, sirrah.
LEATH. Yes, but that his fare call'd him away.
PUP. LEAN. _Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, row._
LEATH. _You are knavishly loaden, sculler, take heed where you go._
PUP. COLE. _Knave in your face, goodman rogue._
PUP. LEAN. _Row, row, row, row, row._
COKES. He said, knave in your face, friend.
LEATH. Ay, sir, I heard him; but there's no talking to these watermen, they will have the last word.
COKES. Od's my life! I am not allied to the sculler yet; he shall be _Dauphin my boy._ But my fiddle-stick does fiddle in and out too much: I pray thee speak to him on't; tell him I would have him tarry in my sight more.
LEATH. I pray you be content; you'll have enough on him, sir. _Now, gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid, But that you have heard of a little god of love call'd Cupid; Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but saw her, This present day and hour doth turn himself to a drawer. And because he would have their first meeting to be merry, He strikes Hero in love to him with a pint of sherry; Which he tells her from amorous Leander is sent her, Who after him into the room of Hero doth venture._
[Puppet Leander goes into Mistress Hero's room.
PUP. JONAS. _A pint of sack, score a pint of sack in the Coney._
COKES. Sack! you said but e'en now it should be sherry.
PUP. JONAS. _Why, so it is; sherry, sherry, sherry._
COKES. _Sherry, sherry, sherry!_ By my troth he makes me merry. I must have a name for Cupid too. Let me see, thou might'st help me, now, an thou would'st, Numps, at a dead lift: but thou art dreaming of the stocks still.--Do not think on't, I have forgot it; 'tis but a nine days' wonder, man; let it not trouble thee.
WASPE. I would the stocks were about your neck, sir; condition I hung by the heels in them till the wonder were off from you, with all my heart.
COKES. Well said, resolute Numps! but hark you, friend, where's the friendship all this while between my drum Damon, and my pipe Pythias?
LEATH. You shall see by and by, sir.
COKES. You think my hobby-horse is forgotten too; no, I'll see them all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best else.
KNOCK. This gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours; Whit, puff with him.