Part 20

LAZ. I do first deliver to your most skreet[680] and long-fingered hands this head, or top of all the members, bare and uncombed, to shew how deeply I stand in reverence of your naked female beauties. Bright and unclipt angels,[681] if I were to make a discovery of any new-found land, as Virginia or so, to ladies and courtiers, my speech should hoist up sails fit to bear up such lofty and well-rigged vessels: but because I am to deal only with the civil chitty-matron,[682] I will not lay upon your blushing and delicate cheek[s] any other colours than such as will give lustre to your chitty[683] faces: in and to that purpose, our thesis is taken out of that most plentiful, but most precious book, entitled the _Economical Cornucopia_. FIRST LADY. The what? LAZ. The _Economical Cornucopia_: thus, _Wise is that wife, who with apt wit complains That she’s kept under, yet rules all the reins._ SECOND LADY. O, again, sweet signior!—[_writing_] ———_complains That she’s kept under_—— What follows? LAZ. _Yet rules all the reins: Wise is that wife, who with apt wit complains That she’s kept under, yet rules all the reins._ Most pure and refined plants of nature, I will not, as this distinction enticeth, take up the parts as they lie here in order; as first, to touch your _wisdom_, it were folly; next, your _complaining_, ’tis too common; thirdly, your _keeping under_, ’tis above my capachity;[684] and, lastly, _the reins in your own hands_, that is the a-per-se[685] of all, the very cream of all, and therefore how to skim off that only, only listen: a wife wise, no matter; apt wit, no matter; complaining, no matter; kept under, no great matter; but to rule the roast is the matter. THIRD LADY. That ruling of the roast goes with me. FOURTH LADY. And me. FIFTH LADY. And me; I’ll have a cut of that roast. LAZ. Since, then, a woman’s only desire is to have the reins in her own white hand, your chief practice, the very same day that you are wived, must be to get hold of these reins; and being fully gotten, or wound about, _yet to complain, with apt wit, as though you had them not_. IMP. How shall we know, signior, when we have them all or not? LAZ. I will furnish your capable understandings out of my poor Spanish store with the chief implements, and their appurtenances. Observe; it shall be your first and finest praise to sing the note of every new fashion at first sight, and, if you can, to stretch that note above ela.[686] OMNES. Good. LAZ. The more you pinch your servants’ bellies for this, the smoother will the fashion sit on your back: but if your goodman like not this music, as being too full of crotchets, your only way is, to learn to play upon the virginals,[687] and so nail his ears to your sweet humours. If this be out of time too, yet your labour will quit the cost; for by this means your secret friend may have free and open access to you, under the colour of pricking you lessons. Now, because you may tie your husband’s love in most sweet knots, you shall never give over labouring till out of his purse you have digged _a garden_;[688] and that garden must stand a pretty distance from the chitty;[689] for by repairing thither, much good fruit may be grafted. FIRST LADY. Mark that. LAZ. Then, in the afternoon, when you address your sweet perfumed body to walk to this garden, there to gather a nosegay,—sops-in-wine,[690] cowslips, columbines, heart’s-ease, &c.,—the first principle to learn is, that you stick black patches for the rheum on your delicate blue temples, though there be no room for the rheum: black patches are comely in most women, and being well fastened, draw men’s eyes to shoot glances at you. Next, your ruff must stand in print;[691] and for that purpose, get poking-sticks[692] with fair and long handles, lest they scorch your lily sweating hands. Then your hat with a little brim, if you have a little face; if otherwise, otherwise. Besides, you must play the wag with your wanton fan; have your dog,—called Pearl, or Min, or Why ask you, or any other pretty name,—dance along by you; your embroidered muff before you, on your ravishing hands; but take heed who thrusts his fingers into your fur. SECOND LADY. We’ll watch for that. LAZ. Once a quarter take state upon you, and be chick.[693] Being chick thus politicly, lie at your garden: your lip-sworn servant may there visit you as a physician; where[694] otherwise, if you languish at home, be sure your husband will look to your water. This chickness[695] may be increased, with giving out that you breed young bones; and to stick flesh upon those bones, it shall not be amiss if you long for peascods at ten groats the cod, and for cherries at a crown the cherry. FIRST LADY. O dear tutor! SECOND LADY. Interrupt him not. LAZ. If, while this pleasing fit of chickness hold you, you be invited forth to supper, whimper and seem unwilling to go; but if your goodman, bestowing the sweet duck and kiss upon your moist lip, entreat, go. Marry, my counsel is, you eat little at table, because it may be said of you, you are no cormorant; yet at your coming home you may counterfeit a qualm, and so devour a posset. Your husband need not have his nose in that posset; no, trust your chambermaid only in this, and scarcely her; for you cannot be too careful into whose hands you commit your secrets. OMNES. That’s certain. LAZ. If you have daughters capable, marry them by no means to chittizens,[696] but choose for them some smooth-chinned, curled-headed gentlemen;[697] for gentlemen will lift up your daughters to their own content; and to make these curled-pated gallants come off the more roundly, make your husband go to the herald for arms; and let it be your daily care that he have a fair and comely crest; yea, go all the ways yourselves you can to be made ladies, especially if, without danger to his person, or for love or money, you can procure your husband to be dubbed. The goddess of memory lock up these jewels, which I have bestowed upon you, in your sweet brains! Let these be the rules to square out your life by, though you ne’er go level, but tread you[r] shoes awry. If you can get these reins into your lily hand[s], you shall need no coaches, but may drive your husbands. Put it down; and, according to that wise saying of you, be saints in the church, angels in the street, devils in the kitchen, and apes in your bed: upon which leaving you tumbling, pardon me that thus abruptly and openly I take you all up. FIRST LADY. You have got so far into our books, signior, that you cannot ’scape without a pardon here, if you take us up never so snappishly. IMP. Music there, to close our stomachs! How do you like him, madonna? [_Music._ SECOND LADY. O, trust me, I like him most profoundly! why, he’s able to put down twenty such as I am. THIRD LADY. Let them build upon that; nay, more, we’ll henceforth never go to a cunning woman, since men can teach us our lerry.[698] FOURTH LADY. We are all fools to him; and our husbands, if we can hold these reins fast, shall be fools to us. SECOND LADY. If we can keep but this bias, wenches, our goodmen may perchance once in a month get a fore-game of us; but, if they win a rubbers, let them throw their caps at it. IMP. No, no, no, dear features, hold their noses to the grindstone, and they’re gone. Thanks, worthy signior: fie, fie, fie, you stand bare too long. Come, bright mirrors, will you withdraw into a gallery, and taste a slight banquet? FIRST LADY. We shall cloy ourselves with sweets, my sweet madonna. SECOND LADY. Troth, I will not, madonna Imperia. IMP. No, no, no. Fie, fie, fie, signior Lazarillo, either be you our foreman, or else put in these ladies, at your discretion, into the gallery, and cut off this striving. LAZ. It shall be my office; my fees being, as they pass, to take toll of their alablaster[699] hands. [_Exeunt Ladies_: IMPERIA _stays_.] Admired creature, I summon you to a parley: you remember this is the night? IMP. So, so, so, I do remember: here is a key; that is your chamber.—Lights, Simperina.—About twelve a’ clock you shall take my beauty prisoner:—fie, fie, fie, how I blush!—at twelve a’ clock. LAZ. Rich argosy of all golden pleasure— IMP. No, no, no, put up, put up your joys till anon: I will come, by my virginity. But I must tell you one thing, that all my chambers are many nights haunted, with what sprites none can see; but sometimes we hear birds singing, sometimes music playing, sometimes voices laughing: but stir not you, nor be frighted at any thing. LAZ. By Hercules, if any spirits rise, I will conjure them in their own circles with toledo. IMP. So, so, so; lights for his chamber.—Is the trap- door ready? [_Aside._ SIMP. ’Tis set sure. IMP. So, so, so, I will be rid of this broiled red sprat, that stinks so in my stomach, fie; I hate him worse than to have a tailor come a-wooing to me. [_Aside._] God’s me! the sweet ladies, the banquet,—I forget: fie, fie, fie, follow, dear signior.—The trap- door, Simperina. [_Aside, and exit._ SIMP. Signior, come away. LAZ. Cupid, I kiss the nock[700] of thy sweet bow: A woman makes me yield; Mars could not so. [_Exit with_ SIMPERINA.

## ACT IV. SCENE I.

_A Street; before_ IMPERIA’s _House; a cord hanging from the window_.

_Enter_ CURVETTO, _with a lantern_.

CUR. Just ten? ’tis ten just: that’s the fixed hour For payment of my love’s due fees; that broke, I forfeit a huge sum of joys: ho, love, I’ll keep time just to a minute, I; A sweet guide’s[701] loss is a deep penalty: A night’s so rich aventure[702] to taste wrack,[703] Would make a lover bankrupt, break his back. No, if to sit up late, early to rise, Or if this goldfinch,[704] that with sweet notes flies, And wakes the dull eye even of a puritan, Can work, then, wenches, Curvetto is the man. I am not young, yet have I youthful tricks, Which peering day must not see; no, close, close, Old courtier, perilous[705] fellow, I can lie; Hug in your bosom, close, yet none shall spy. Stay, here’s the door, the window; hah, this, this! Cord?—umph!—dear cord, thy blessed knot I kiss. None peeps, I hope. Night, clap thy velvet hand Upon all eyes! if now my friend thou stand, I’ll hang a jewel at thine ear, sweet night; And here it is, lantern and candle-light.[706] A peal, a lusty peal, set, ring love’s knell I’ll sweat, but thus I’ll bear away the bell. [_Pulls the cord hanging from the window, and is drenched with water._

_Enter_ SIMPERINA _above_.

SIM. Signior,—who’s there? signior Curvetto? CUR. Umph, drown’d! Noah’s flood! duck’d over head and ears! O sconce, and O sconce![707] an old soaker, O! I sweat now till I drop: what, villains, O! Punks, punkateroes, nags, hags! I will ban:[708] I’ve[709] catch’d my bane. SIM. Who’s there? CUR. A water-man. SIM. Who rings that scolding peal? CUR. I am wringing wet, I’m[710] wash’d: foh, here’s rose-water sold by th’ ounce! This sconce shall batter down those windows—bounce! SIM. What do you mean? why do you beat our doors? What do you take us for? CUR. You’re all damn’d whores. SIM. Signior Curvetto! CUR. Signior coxcomb, no. SIM. What makes you be so hot? CUR. You lie, I’m[711] cool; I’m an old courtier, but stinking fool. Foh! SIM. God’s my life! what have you done? you are in a sweet pickle if you pulled at this rope. CUR. Hang thyself in’t, and I’ll pull once again. SIM. Marry muff,[712] will you up and ride? you’re mine elder. By my pure maidenhead, here’s a jest! why, this was a water-work to drown a rat that uses to creep in at this window. CUR. Fire on your water-works! catch a drown’d rat? That’s me, I have it, God a-mercy, head! Rat? me; I smell a rat, I strike it dead. SIM. You smell a sodden sheep’s-head: a rat? ay, a rat: and[713] you will not believe me, marry, foh! I have been believed of your betters, marry, snick up! CUR. Simp, nay, sweet Simp, open again; why, Simperina! SIM. Go from my window, go, go from, &c.,[714] away; go by, old Jeronimo:[715] nay, and[716] you shrink i’ th’ wetting, walk, walk, walk. CUR. I cry thee mercy; if the bowl were set To drown a rat, I shrink not, am not wet. SIM. A rat by this hemp, and[717] you could ha’ smelt. Hark you; here’s the bell, ting, ting, ting: would the clapper were in my belly, if I am not mad at your foppery; I could scratch, fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, as my mistress says. But go, hie you home, shift you, come back presently: here you shall find a ladder of cords; climb up; I’ll receive you: my mistress lies alone; she’s yours: away. CUR. O Simp! SIM. Nay, scud: you know what you promised me: I shall have simple yawling for this: begone, and mum.[718] CUR. Thanks, mum, dear girl; I’m gone: ’twas for a rat, A rat upon my life: thou shalt have gifts; I love thee, though thou puts[t] me to my shifts. I knew[719] I could be over-reach’d by none; A parlous[720] head! lie close, lie close: I’m[721] gone. [_Exeunt severally._

## SCENE II.

_A Room in_ IMPERIA’s _House_.

_Music suddenly plays and birds sing: enter_ LAZARILLO _bareheaded, in his shirt, a pair of pantaples[722] on, a rapier in his hand and a tobacco-pipe: he seems amazed, and walks so up and down_.[723]

LAZ. Saint Jacques and the Seven deadly Sins (that is, the Seven Wise Masters of the world), pardon me, for this night I will kill the devil! [_Within._] Ha, ha, ha! LAZ. Thou prince of blackamoors, thou shalt have small cause to laugh, if I run thee through. This chamber is haunted: would I had not been brought a’ bed in it, or else were well delivered! for my heart tells me ’tis no good luck to have any thing to do with the devil; he’s a paltry merchant.

[_Song within._]

_Midnight’s bell goes ting, ting, ting, ting, ting; Then dogs do howl; and not a bird does sing But the nightingale, and she cries twit, twit, twit, twit; Owls then on every bough do sit; Ravens croak on chimneys’ tops; The cricket in the chamber hops; And the cats cry mew, mew, mew; The nibbling mouse is not asleep, But he goes peep, peep, peep, peep, peep;_ _And the cats cry[724] mew, mew, mew, And still the cats cry mew, mew, mew._ LAZ. I shall be moused by puss-cats, but I had rather die a dog’s death: they have nine lives a piece (like a woman), and they will make it up ten lives, if they and I fall a-scratching. Bright Helena of this house, would thy Troy were a-fire, for I am a-cold; or else would I had the Greeks’ wooden curtal[725] to ride away. Most ambrosian-lipped creature, come away quickly, for this night’s lodging lies cold at my heart. [_The Spanish pavin[726] played within._] The Spanish pavin? I thought the devil could not understand Spanish: but since thou art my countryman, O thou tawny Satan,[727] I will dance after thy pipe. [_He dances the Spanish pavin._] Ho,[728] sweet devil, ho! thou wilt make any man weary of thee, though he deal with thee in his shirt. Sweet beauty! she’ll not come: I’ll fall to sleep, And dream of her; love-dreams are ne’er too deep. [_Lies down and falls through a trap-door._

_Enter_ FRISCO _above laughing_.

FRIS. Ha, ha, ha! LAZ. Ho, ho, Frisco, madonna! I am in hell, but here is no fire; hell-fire is all put out. What ho, so ho, ho! I shall be drowned. I beseech thee, dear Frisco, raise Blurt the constable, or some scavenger, to come and make clean these kennels of hell; for they stink so, that I shall cast[729] away my precious self.

_Enter_ IMPERIA _above_.

IMP. Is he down, Frisco? FRIS. He’s down: he cries out he’s in hell; it’s heaven to me to have him cry so. IMP. Fie, fie, fie, let him lie, and get all to bed. [_Exit._ FRIS. Not all; I’ve[730] fatting knavery in hand. He cries he’s damn’d in hell: the next shall cry He’s climbing up to heaven; and here’s the gin:[731] One woodcock’s ta’en; I’ll have his brother in. [_Exit._

## SCENE III.

_A Street; before_ IMPERIA’s _House; a ladder of ropes hanging from the window_.

_Enter_ CURVETTO _with a lantern_.

CUR. Brisk as a capering tailor! I was wash’d, But did they shave me? no, I am too wise; Lie close i’ th’ bosom of their knaveries; I’m[732] an old hoary courtier, and strike dead; I hit my marks: ware, ware, a perilous[733] head! Cast,[734]—I must find a ladder made of ropes;

_Enter_ BLURT, SLUBBER, WOODCOCK, _and the rest of the Watch_.

Ladder and rope; what follow? hanging; ay; But where? ah ha, there does the riddle lie. I have ’scap’d drowning; but, but, but, I hope I shall not ’scape the ladder and the rope. WOOD. Yonder’s a light, master constable. BLURT. Peace, Woodcock, the sconce[735] approaches. CUR. Whew! BLURT. Ay, whistling?—Slubber, jog the watch, and give the lantern a flap. CUR. Whew! Simp, Simperina!

_Enter_ FRISCO _above_.

FRIS. Who’s there? CUR. Who’s there? FRIS. Signior Curvetto? here’s the ladder; I watch to do you a good turn: I am Frisco. Is not Blurt abroad and his bill-men?[736] CUR. No matter if they be; I hear none nigh; I will snug close; out goes my candle’s eye; My sconce takes this in snuff;[737] all’s one; I care not. FRIS. Why, when?[738] CUR. I come; close, close; hold, rope, and spare not. [_Begins to ascend the ladder._ SLUB. Now the candle’s out. BLURT. Peace! CUR. Frisco, light, light! my foot is slipt; call help. FRIS. Help, help, help! thieves, thieves! help, thieves, &c.[739] BLURT. Thieves? where? Follow close. Slubber, the lantern.—Hold, I charge you, in the duke’s name, stand: sirrah, you’re like to hang for this.—Down with him. [_They take_ CURVETTO _down_. FRIS. Master Blurt, master constable, here’s his ladder: he comes to rob my mistress. I have been scared out of my wits above seven times by him, and it’s forty to one if ever they come in again. I lay felony to his charge. CUR. Felony? you cony-catching[740] slave. FRIS. Cony-catching will bear an action. I’ll cony-catch you for this.—If I can find our key, I will aid you, Master Blurt: if not, look to him, as you will answer it upon your deathbed. BLURT. What are you? CUR. A Venetian gentleman.—Woodcock, how dost thou, Woodcock?[741] WOOD. Thank your worship. BLURT. Woodcock, you are of our side[742] now, and therefore your acquaintance cannot serve. And[743] you were a gentleman of velvet, I would commit you. CUR. Why, what are you, sir? BLURT. What am I, sir? do not you know this staff? I am, sir, the duke’s own image: at this time the duke’s tongue (for fault of a better) lies in my mouth; I am constable, sir. CUR. Constable, and commit me? marry, Blurt master- constable. BLURT. Away with him! [_He strives._ OMNES. It’s folly to strive. BLURT. I say, away with him.—I’ll Blurt you; I’ll teach you to stand covered to authority: your hoary head shall be knocked when this staff is in place. CUR. Ay, but, master-constable—— BLURT. No, pardon me, you abuse the duke in me, that am his cipher.—I say, away with him; Gulch, away with him; Woodcock, keep you with me. I will be known for more than Blurt. [_Exit, the rest of the Watch carrying off_ CURVETTO.

_Enter_ LAZARILLO.

LAZ. Thou honest fellow, the man in the moon, I beseech thee set fire on thy bush of thorns, to light and warm me, for I am dung-wet. I fell like Lucifer, I think, into hell, and am crawled out, but in worse pickle than my lean Pilcher.[744] Hereabout is the hothouse of my love. Ho, ho! why ho, there! FRIS. Who’s that? What devil stands hohing at my door so late? LAZ. I beseech thee, Frisco, take in Lazarillo’s ghost. FRIS. Lazarillo’s ghost? haunt me not, I charge thee; I know thee not: I am in a dream of a dry summer, therefore appear not to me. LAZ. Is not this the mansion of the cherry-lipped madonna Imperia? FRIS. Yes; how then? You fly-blown rascal, what art thou? LAZ. Lazarillo de Tormes: sweet blood, I have a poor Spanish suit[745] depending in your house; let me enter, most precious Frisco; the mistress of this mansion is my beautiful hostess. FRIS. How, you turpentine pill, my wife your hostess? away, you Spanish vermin! LAZ. I beseech thee, most pitiful Frisco, allow my lamentation. FRIS. And[746] you lament here, I’ll stone you with brickbats: I am asleep. LAZ. My slop[747] and mandillion[748] lie at thy mercy, fine Frisco; I beseech thee, let not my case be thine: I must and will lament. FRIS. Must you? I’ll wash off your tears; away, you hog’s-face! [_Drenches him with foul water, and exit._ LAZ. Thou hast soused my poor hog’s-face. O Frisco, thou art a scurvy doctor, to cast my water no better! it is most rammish urine: Mars shall not save thee; I will make a brown toast of thy heart, and drink it in a pot of thy strong blood.

_Enter_ BLURT _and all his Watch_.'