Part 31

SHO. Bless master Quomodo! QUO. How now, sergeants? who ha’ you brought me here?—Master Easy! EASY. Why, la you now, sergeants; did I not tell you you mistook? QUO. Did you not hear me say, I had rather ha’ had master Blastfield, the more sufficient man a great deal? SHO. Very true, sir; but this gentleman lighting into our hands first—— QUO. Why did you so, sir? SHO. We thought good to make use of that opportunity, and hold him fast. QUO. You did well in that, I must needs say, for your own securities: but ’twas not my mind, master Easy, to have you first; you must needs think so. EASY. I dare swear that, master Quomodo. QUO. But since you are come to me, I have no reason to refuse you; I should shew little manners in that, sir. EASY. But I hope you spake not in that sense, sir, to impose the bond upon me? QUO. By my troth, that’s my meaning, sir; you shall find me an honest man; you see I mean what I say. Is not the day past, the money untendered? you’d ha’ me live uprightly, master Easy? EASY. Why, sir, you know master Blastfield is the man. QUO. Why, sir, I know master Blastfield is the man; but is he any more than one man? Two entered into bond to me, or I’m foully cozened. EASY. You know my entrance was but for fashion sake. QUO. Why, I’ll agree to you: you’ll grant ’tis the fashion likewise, when the bond’s due, to have the money paid again. SHO. So we told him, sir, and that it lay in your worship’s courtesy to arrest which you please. QUO. Marry, does it, sir—these fellows know the law—beside, you offered yourself into bond to me, you know, when I had no stomach to you: now beshrew your heart for your labour! I might ha’ had a good substantial citizen, that would ha’ paid the sum roundly, although I think you sufficient enough for seven hundred pound: beside the forfeiture, I would be loath to disgrace you so much before sergeants. EASY. If you would ha’ the patience, sir, I do not think but master Blastfield is at carrier’s receive the money. QUO. He will prove the honester man then, and you the better discharged. I wonder he should break with me; ’twas never his practice. You must not be angry with me now, though you were somewhat hot when you entered into bond; you may easily go in angrily, but you cannot come out so. EASY. No, the devil’s in’t for that! SHO. Do you hear, sir? a’ my troth, we pity you: ha’ you any store of crowns about you? EASY. Faith, a poor store; yet they shall be at their service that will strive to do me good.—We were both drunk last night, and ne’er thought upon the bond. [_Aside._ SHO. I must tell you this, you have fell into the hands of a most merciless devourer, the very gull a’ the city: should you offer him money, goods, or lands now, he’d rather have your body in prison, he’s a’ such a nature. EASY. Prison? we’re undone then! SHO. He’s a’ such a nature, look; let him owe any man a spite, what’s his course? he will lend him money to-day, a’ purpose to ’rest him to-morrow. EASY. Defend me! SHO. Has at least sixteen at this instant proceeded in both the counters;[1077] some bachelors,[1078] some masters, some doctors of captivity of twenty years’ standing; and he desires nothing more than imprisonment. EASY. Would master Blastfield would come away! SHO. Ay, then things would not be as they are. What will you say to us, if we procure you two substantial subsidy citizens to bail you, spite on’s heart, and set you at liberty to find out master Blastfield? EASY. Sergeant, here, take all; I’ll be dear to you, do but perform it. SHO. Much![1079] FAL.[1080] Enough, sweet sergeant; I hope I understand thee. SHO. I love to prevent the malice of such a rascal; perhaps you might find master Blastfield to-night. EASY. Why, we lie together, man; there’s the jest on’t. SHO. Fie: and you’ll seek to secure your bail, because they will be two citizens of good account, you must do that for your credit sake. EASY. I’ll be bound to save them harmless. SHO. A pox on him, you cut his throat then: no words. EASY. What’s it you require me, master Quomodo? QUO. You know that before this time, I hope, sir; present money, or present imprisonment. SHO. I told you so. EASY. We ne’er had money of you. QUO. You had commodities, an’t please you. EASY. Well, may I not crave so much liberty upon my word, to seek out master Blastfield? QUO. Yes, and[1081] you would not laugh at me: we are sometimes gulls to gentlemen, I thank ’em; but gentlemen are never gulls to us, I commend ’em. SHO. Under your leave, master Quomodo, the gentleman craves the furtherance of an hour; and it sorts well with our occasion at this time, having a little urgent business at Guildhall; at which minute we’ll return, and see what agreement is made. QUO. Nay, take him along with you, sergeant. EASY. I’m undone then! SHO. He’s your prisoner; and being safe in your house at your own disposing, you cannot deny him such a request: beside, he hath a little faith in master Blastfield’s coming, sir. QUO. Let me not be too long delayed, I charge you. EASY.[1082] Not an hour, i’faith, sir.

[_Exeunt_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT. QUO. O master Easy, of all men living I never dreamed you would ha’ done me this injury! make me wound my credit, fail in my commodities, bring[1083] my state into suspicion! for the breaking of your day to me has broken my day to others. EASY. You tell me of that still which is no fault of mine, master Quomodo. QUO. O, what’s a man but his honesty, master Easy? and that’s a fault amongst most of us all. Mark but this note; I’ll give you good counsel now. As often as you give your name to a bond, you must think you christen a child, and take the charge on’t, too; for as the one, the bigger it grows, the more cost it requires, so the other, the longer it lies, the more charges it puts you to. Only here’s the difference; a child must be broke, and a bond must not; the more you break children, the more you keep ’emunder; but the more you break bonds, the more they’ll leap in your face; and therefore, to conclude, I would never undertake to be gossip[1084] to that bond which I would not see well brought up. EASY. Say you so, sir? I’ll think upon your counsel hereafter for’t. QUO. Ah fool, thou shouldest ne’er ha’ tasted such wit, but that I know ’tis too late! [_Aside._ THO. The more I grieve. [_Aside._ QUO. To put all this into the compass of a little hoop- ring,—

Make this account, come better days or worse, So many bonds abroad, so many boys at nurse. EASY. A good medicine for a short memory: but since you have entered so far, whose children are desperate debts, I pray? QUO. Faith, they are like the offsprings of stolen lust, put to the hospital: their fathers are not to be found; they are either too far abroad, or too close within: and thus for your memory’s sake,—

The desperate debtor hence derives his name, One that has neither money, land, nor fame; All that he makes prove bastards, and not bands:[1085] But such as yours at first are born to lands. EASY. But all that I beget hereafter I’ll soon disinherit, master Quomodo. QUO. In the meantime, here’s a shrewd knave will disinherit you. [_Aside._ EASY. Well, to put you out of all doubt, master Quomodo, I’ll not trust to your courtesy; I ha’ sent for bail. QUO. How? you’ve cozened me there, i’faith! EASY. Since the worst comes to the worst, I have those friends i’ th’ city, I hope, that will not suffer me to lie for seven hundred pound. QUO. And you told me you had no friends here at all: how should a man trust you now? EASY. That was but to try your courtesy, master Quomodo. QUO. How unconscionably he gulls himself! [_Aside._]—They must be wealthy subsidy-men, sir, at least forty pound i’ th’ king’s books, I can tell you, that do such a feat for you.

_Re-enter_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT, _disguised as wealthy citizens in satin suits_. EASY. Here they come, whatsoe’er they are. QUO. Byrlady,[1086] alderman’s deputies!—I am very sorry for you, sir; I cannot refuse such men. SHO. Are you the gentleman in distress? EASY. None more than myself, sir. QUO. He speaks truer than he thinks; for if he knew the hearts that owe[1087] those faces! A dark shop’s good for somewhat.[1088] [_Aside._ EASY. That was all, sir. SHO. And that’s enough; for by that means you have made yourself liable to the bond, as well as that Basefield. EASY. Blastfield, sir. SHO. O, cry you mercy; ’tis Blastfield indeed. EASY. But, under both your worships’ favours, I know where to find him presently. SHO. That’s all your refuge.

_Re-enter Boy._

BOY. News, good news, master Easy! EASY. What, boy? BOY. Master Blastfield, my master, has received a thousand pound, and will be at his lodging at supper. EASY. Happy news! Hear you that, master Quomodo? QUO. ’Tis enough for you to hear that; you’re the fortunate man, sir. EASY. Not now, I beseech your good worships. SHO. Gentleman, what’s your t’other name? EASY. Easy. SHO. O, master Easy. I would we could rather pleasure you otherwise, master Easy; you should soon perceive it. I’ll speak a proud word: we have pitied more gentlemen in distress than any two citizens within the freedom; but to be bail to seven hundred pound action is a matter of shrewd weight. EASY. I’ll be bound to secure you. SHO. Tut, what’s your bond, sir? EASY. Body, goods, and lands, immediately before master Quomodo. SHO. Shall we venture once again, that have been so often undone by gentlemen? FAL. I have no great stomach to’t; it will appear in us more pity than wisdom. EASY. Why should you say so, sir? SHO. I like the gentleman’s face well; he does not look as if he would deceive us. EASY. O, not I, sir! SHO. Come, we’ll make a desperate voyage once again; we’ll try his honesty, and take his single bond, of body, goods, and lands. EASY. I dearly thank you, sir. SHO. Master Quomodo—— QUO. Your worships. SHO. We have took a course to set your prisoner free. QUO. Your worships are good bail; you content me. SHO. Come, then, and be a witness to a recullisance.[1089] QUO. With all my heart, sir. SHO. Master Easy, you must have an especial care now to find out that Blastfield. EASY. I shall have him at my lodging, sir. SHO. The suit will be followed against you else; master Quomodo will come upon us, and forsake you. EASY. I know that, sir. SHO. Well, since I see you have such a good mind to be honest, I’ll leave some greater affairs, and sweat with you to find him myself. EASY. Here then my misery ends: A stranger’s kindness oft exceeds a friend’s. [_Exeunt._ THO. Thou art deceiv’d; thy misery but begins: To beguile goodness is the core of sins. My love is such unto thee, that I die As often as thou drink’st up injury; Yet have no means to warn thee from’t, for he That sows in craft does reap in jealousy.

[_Exit above._

## SCENE V.

_A Street._

_Enter_ REARAGE _and_ SALEWOOD.

REAR. Now the letter’s made up and all; it wants but the print of a seal, and away it goes to master Quomodo. Andrew Lethe is well whipt in’t; his name stands in a white sheet here, and does penance for him. SALE. You have shame enough against him, if that be good. REAR. First, as a contempt of that reverend ceremony he has in hand, to wit, marriage. SALE. Why do you say, to wit, marriage, when you know there’s none will marry that’s wise? REAR. Had it not more need then to have wit to put to’t, if it be grown to a folly? SALE. You’ve won; I’ll give’t you. REAR. ’Tis no thanks now: but, as I was saying, as a foul contempt to that sacred ceremony, he most audaciously keeps a drab in town, and, to be free from the interruption of blue beadles[1090] and other bawdy officers, he most politicly lodges her in a constable’s house. SALE. That’s a pretty point, i’faith. REAR. And so the watch, that should fetch her out, are her chiefest guard to keep her in. SALE. It must needs be; for look, how the constable plays his conscience, the watchmen will follow the suit. REAR. Why, well then.

_Enter_ EASY, _and_ SHORTYARD _disguised as before_.[1091]

EASY. All night from me? he’s hurt, he’s made away! SHO. Where shall we seek him now? you lead me fair jaunts, sir. EASY. Pray, keep a little patience, sir; I shall find him at last, you shall see. SHO. A citizen of my ease and substance to walk so long a-foot! EASY. You should ha’ had my horse, but that he has eaten out his head, sir. SHO. How? would you had me hold him by the tail, sir, then? EASY. Manners forbid! ’tis no part of my meaning, sir. O, here’s master Rearage and master Salewood: now we shall hear of him presently.—Gentlemen both. SALE. Master Easy? how fare you, sir? EASY. Very well in health. Did you see master Blastfield this morning? SALE. I was about to move it to you. REAR. We were all three in a mind then. SALE. I ha’ not set eye on him these two days. REAR. I wonder he keeps so long from us, i’faith. EASY. I begin to be sick. SALE. Why, what’s the matter? EASY. Nothing in troth, but a great desire I had to have seen him. REAR. I wonder you should miss on’t lately; you’re his bedfellow.[1092] EASY. I lay alone to-night, i’faith, I do not know how. O, here comes master Lethe; he can despatch me.—

_Enter_ LETHE.

Master Lethe. LET. What’s your name, sir? O, cry you mercy, master Easy. EASY. When parted you from master Blastfield, sir? LET. Blastfield’s an ass: I have sought him these two days to beat him. EASY. Yourself all alone, sir? LET. Ay, and three more. [_Exit._ SHO. I am glad I am where I am, then; I perceive ’twas time of all hands. [_Aside._ REAR. Content, i’faith; let’s trace him. [_Exit with_ SALEWOOD. SHO. What, have you found him yet? neither? what’s to be done now? I’ll venture my body no further for any gentleman’s pleasure: I know not how soon I may be called upon, and now to overheat myself—— EASY. I’m undone! SHO. This is you that slept with him! you can make fools of us; but I’ll turn you over to Quomodo for’t. EASY. Good sir—— SHO. I’ll prevent mine own danger. EASY. I beseech you, sir—— SHO. Though I love gentlemen well, I do not mean to be undone for ’em. EASY. Pray, sir, let me request you, sir; sweet sir, I beseech you, sir—— [_Exeunt._

## ACT IV. SCENE I.

QUOMODO’s _Shop_.

_Enter_ QUOMODO, SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT _disguised as before,[1093] after whom_ EASY _follows hard_.

SHO. Made fools of us! not to be found! QUO. What, what? EASY. Do not undo me quite, though, master Quomodo. QUO. You’re very welcome, master Easy: I ha’ nothing to say to you; I’ll not touch you; you may go when you please; I have good bail here, I thank their worships. EASY. What shall I say, or whom shall I beseech? SHO. Gentlemen! ’slid, they were born to undo us, I think: but, for my part, I’ll make an oath before master Quomodo here, ne’er to do gentlemen good while I live. FAL. I’ll not be long behind you. SHO. Away! if you had any grace in you, you would be ashamed to look us i’ th’ face, i-wis:[1094] I wonder with what brow you can come amongst us. I should seek my fortunes far enough, if I were you; and neither return to Essex, to be a shame to my predecessors, nor remain about London, to be a mock to my successors. QUO. Subtle Shortyard! [_Aside._ SHO. Here are his lands forfeited to us, master Quomodo; and to avoid the inconscionable trouble of law, all the assurance he made to us we willingly resign to you. QUO. What shall I do with rubbish? give me money: ’tis for your worships to have land, that keep great houses; I should be hoisted. SHO. But, master Quomodo, if you would but conceive it aright, the land would fall fitter to you than to us. EASY. Curtsying about my land! [_Aside._ SHO. You have a towardly son and heir, as we hear. QUO. I must needs say, he is a Templar indeed. SHO. We have neither posterity in town, nor hope for any abroad: we have wives, but the marks have been out of their mouths these twenty years; and, as it appears, they did little good when they were in. We could not stand about it, sir; to get riches and children too, ’tis more than one man can do: and I am of those citizens’ minds that say, let our wives make shift for children and[1095] they will, they get none of us; and I cannot think, but he that has both much wealth and many children has had more helps coming in than himself. QUO. I am not a bow wide[1096] of your mind, sir: and for the thrifty and covetous hopes I have in my son and heir, Sim Quomodo, that he will never trust his land in wax and parchment, as many gentlemen have done before him—— EASY. A by-blow for me. [_Aside._

_Enter_ THOMASINE.

QUO. I will honestly discharge you, and receive it in due form and order of law, to strengthen it for ever to my son and heir, that he may undoubtedly enter upon’t without the let[1097] or molestation of any man, at his or our pleasure whensoever. SHO. ’Tis so assured unto you. QUO. Why, then, master Easy, you’re a free man, sir; you may deal in what you please, and go whither you will.—Why, Thomasine, master Easy is come from Essex; bid him welcome in a cup of small beer. THO. Not only vild,[1098] but in it tyrannous. [_Aside._ QUO. If it please you, sir, you know the house; you may visit us often, and dine with us once a-quarter. EASY. Confusion light on you, your wealth, and heir! Worm gnaw your conscience as the moth your ware! I am not the first heir that robb’d or begg’d. [_Exit._ QUO. Excellent, excellent, sweet spirits![1099] [_Exit_ THOMASINE. SHO. Landed master Quomodo! QUO. Delicate Shortyard, commodious Falselight, Hug and away, shift, shift: ’Tis slight,[1100] not strength, that gives the greatest lift. [_Exeunt_ SHORTYARD _and_ FALSELIGHT. Now my desires are full,—for this time. Men may have cormorant wishes, but, alas, A little thing, three hundred pound a-year, Suffices nature, keeps life and soul together! I’ll have ’emlopt[1101] immediately; I long To warm myself by th’ wood. A fine journey in the Whitsun holydays, i’faith, to ride down with a number of citizens and their wives, some upon pillions, some upon side-saddles, I and little Thomasine i’ th’ middle, our son and heir, Sim Quomodo, in a peach-colour taffeta jacket, some horse- length, or a long yard before us;—there will be a fine show on’s, I can tell you;—where we citizens will laugh and lie down,[1102] get all our wives with child against a bank, and get up again. Stay; hah! hast thou that wit, i’faith? ’twill be admirable: to see how the very thought of green fields puts a man into sweet inventions! I will presently possess Sim Quomodo of all the land; I have a toy[1103] and I’ll do’t: and because I see before mine eyes that most of our heirs prove notorious rioters after our deaths, and that cozenage in the father wheels about to folly in the son, our posterity commonly foiled at the same weapon at which we played rarely; and being the world’s beaten[1104] word,—what’s got over the devil’s back (that’s by knavery) must be spent under his belly (that’s by lechery): being awake in these knowings, why should not I oppose ’emnow, and break Destiny of her custom, preventing that by policy, which without it must needs be destiny? And I have took the course: I will forthwith sicken, call for my keys, make my will, and dispose of all; give my son this blessing, that he trust no man, keep his hand from a quean and a scrivener, live in his father’s faith, and do good to nobody: then will I begin to rave like a fellow of a wide conscience, and, for all the world, counterfeit to the life that which I know I shall do when I die; take on[1105] for my gold, my lands, and my writings, grow worse and worse, call upon the devil, and so make an end. By this time I have indented with a couple of searchers,[1106] who, to uphold my device, shall fray them out a’ th’ chamber with report of sickness; and so, la, I start up, and recover again! for in this business I will trust, no, not my spirits,[1107] Falselight and Shortyard, but, in disguise, note the condition of all; how pitiful my wife takes my death, which will appear by November in her eye, and the fall of the leaf in her body, but especially by the cost she bestows upon my funeral, there shall I try her love and regard; my daughter’s marrying to my will and liking; and my son’s affection after my disposing: for, to conclude, I am as jealous of this land as of my wife, to know what would become of it after my decease. [_Exit._

## SCENE II.

_The Country Wench’s Lodging._

_Enter Country Wench and Father._

FA. Though I be poor, ’tis my glory to live honest. COUN. W. I prithee, do not leave me. FA. To be bawd! Hell has not such an office. I thought at first your mind had been preserv’d In virtue and in modesty of blood; That such a face had not been made to please Th’ unsettled appetites of several men; Those eyes turn’d up through prayer, not through lust: But you are wicked, and my thoughts unjust. COUN. W. Why, thou art an unreasonable fellow, i’faith. Do not all trades live by their ware, and yet called honest livers? do they not thrive best when they utter most, and make it away by the great?[1108] is not whole- sale the chiefest merchandise? do you think some merchants could keep their wives so brave[1109] but for their whole-sale? you’re foully deceived and[1110] you think so. FA. You are so glu’d to punishment and shame. Your words e’en deserve whipping. To bear the habit of a gentlewoman, And be in mind so distant! COUN. W. Why, you fool you, are not gentlewomen sinners? and there’s no courageous sinner amongst us but was a gentlewoman by the mother’s side, I warrant you: besides, we are not always bound to think those our fathers that marry our mothers, but those that lie with our mothers; and they may be gentlemen born, and born again for ought we know, you know.