Part 25
Why, how now, sir? what course take you for laughing? We are undone for one. MARTIA. Faith, with great pain Stifle it, and keep it in; I ha’ no receipt for’t. But, pray, in sadness,[684] say, what is the gentleman? I never knew his like for tedious urgings, He will receive no answer. PHIL. Would he would not, sir! MARTIA. Says I’m ordain’d for him, merely for him, And that his wiving fate speaks in me to him; Will force on me a jointure speedily Of some seven thousand dollars. PHIL. Would thou hadst 'em, sir! I know he can and[685] he will. MARTIA. For wonder’s pity, What is this gentleman? PHIL. Faith, shall I tell you, sir? One that would make an excellent, honest husband, For her that’s a just maid at one and twenty; For, on my conscience, he has his maidenhead yet. MARTIA. Fie, out upon him, beast! PHIL. Sir, if you love me, Give way but to one thing I shall request of you. MARTIA. Your courtesies, you know, may lay commands on me. PHIL. Then, at his next solicitings, let a consent Seem to come from you; 'twill make noble sport, sir, We’ll get jointure and all; but you must bear Yourself most affable to all his purposes. MARTIA. I can do that. PHIL. Ay, and take heed of laughing. MARTIA. I’ve bide the worst of that already, lady. PHIL. Peace, set your countenance then, for here he comes.
_Re-enter_ FRANCISCO.
FRAN. There is no middle continent in this passion; I feel it, since it must be love or death, It was ordain’d for one. [_Aside._ PHIL. Signor Francisco, I’m sorry ’twas your fortune in my house, sir, To have so violent a stroke come to you; The gentlewoman’s a stranger; pray, be counsell’d, sir, Till you hear further of her friends and portion. FRAN. ’Tis only but her love that I desire; She comes most rich in that. PHIL. But be advis’d though; I think she’s a rich heir, but see the proof, sir, Before you make her such a generous jointure. FRAN. ’Tis mine, and I will do’t. PHIL. She shall be yours too, If I may rule her then. FRAN. You speak all sweetness. PHIL. She likes your person well; I tell you so much, But take no note I said so. FRAN. Not a word. PHIL. Come, lady, come, the gentleman’s desertful, And, o’ my conscience, honest. MARTIA. Blame me not; I am a maid, and fearful. FRAN. Never truth Came perfecter from man. PHIL. Give her a lip-taste, That she herself may praise it. [FRANCISCO _kisses_ MARTIA, _and then exit with her_, PHILIPPA, _and_ VIOLETTA.
_Re-enter_ BRANDINO.
BRAN. Yea, a match, i’faith! My house is lucky for 'em.—
_Re-enter_ MARTINO.
Now, Martino? MAR. Master, the widow has the day. BRAN. The day? MAR. Sh’as overthrown my youngster. BRAN. Precious tidings! Clap down four woodcocks more. MAR. They’re all at hand, sir. BRAN. What, both her adversaries too? MAR. They’re come, sir. BRAN. Go, bid the cook serve in two geese in a dish. MAR. I like your conceit, master, beyond utterance. [_Exit._
_Enter_ VALERIA, RICARDO, _and two Suitors_.
BRAN. Welcome, sweet sister! which is the man must have you? I’d welcome nobody else. FIRST SUIT. Come to me then, sir. BRAN. Are you he, faith, my chain of gold?[686] I’m glad on’t. VAL. I wonder you can have the face to follow me, That have so prosecuted things against me. But I ha’ resolv’d[687] myself ’tis done to spite me. RIC. O dearth of truth! SEC. SUIT. Nay, do not spoil thy hair; Hold, hold, I say; I’ll get thee a widow somewhere. RIC. If hand and faith be nothing for a contract, What shall man hope? SEC. SUIT. 'Twas wont to be enough, honey, When there was honest meaning amongst widows; But since your bribes came in, ’tis not allow’d A contract without gifts to bind it fast; Every thing now must have a feeling[688] first.— Do I come near you, widow? VAL. No, indeed, sir, Nor ever shall, I hope:—and for your comfort, sir, That sought all means t’ entrap me for my wealth, Had law unfortunately put you upon me, You’d lost your labour, all your aim and hopes, sir; Here stands the honest gentleman, my brother, To whom I’ve made a deed of gift of all. BRAN. Ay, that she has, i’faith; I thank her, gentlemen; Look you here, sirs. [_Shews writing._ VAL. I must not look for pleasures, That give more grief if they prove false, or fail us, Than ever they gave joy. FIRST SUIT. Ha’ you serv['d] me so, widow? SEC. SUIT. I’m glad thou hast her not.—Laugh at him, honey; ha, ha! VAL. I must take one that loves me for myself: Here’s an old gentleman looks not after wealth, But virtue, manners, and conditions.[689] FIRST SUIT. Yes, by my faith, I must have lordships too, widow. VAL. How, sir? FIRST SUIT. Your manners, virtue, and conditions, widow, Are pretty things within doors, I like well on 'em; But I must have somewhat without, lying or being In the tenure or occupation of master[690] such a one, ha? Those are fine things indeed. VAL. Why, sir, you swore to me it was for love. FIRST SUIT. True; but there’s two words to a bargain ever, All the world over; and if love be one, I’m sure money’s the other; ’tis no bargain else: Pardon me, I must dine as well as sup, widow. VAL. Cry mercy, I mistook you all this while, sir; It was this ancient gentleman indeed, Whom I crave pardon on. SEC. SUIT. What of me, widow? VAL. Alas, I’ve wrong’d you, sir! ’twas you that swore You lov’d me for myself. SEC. SUIT. By my troth, but I did not; Come, father not your lies upon me, widow: I love you for yourself?—Spit at me, gentlemen, If ever I’d such a thought.—Fetch me in, widow! You’ll find your reach too short. VAL. Why, you’ve enough, you say. SEC. SUIT. Ay, but I’ll have My humour too; you never think of that; They’re coach-horses, they go together still. VAL. Whom should a widow trust? I’ll swear ’twas one of you That made me believe so.—Mass, think ’twas you, sir, Now I remember me. RIC. I swore too much, To be believ’d so little. VAL. Was it you then? Beshrew my heart for wronging of you!— RIC. Welcome blessing! Are you mine faithfully now? VAL. As love can make one. FIRST SUIT. Why, this fills the commonwealth so full of beggars, Marrying for love, which none of mine shall do. VAL. But, now I think on’t, we must part again, sir. RIC. Again? VAL. You’re in debt, and I, in doubt of all, Left myself nothing too; we must not hold, Want on both sides makes all affection cold: I shall not keep you from that gentleman, You’ll be his more than mine; and when he list, He’ll make you lie from me in some sour prison; Then let him take you now for altogether, sir, For he that’s mine shall be all mine, or nothing. RIC. I never felt the evil of my debts ’Till this afflicting minute. SEC. SUIT. I’ll be mad Once in my days: I have enough to cure me, And I will have my humour; they are now But desperate debts again, I ne’er look for 'em: And ever since I knew what malice was, I always held it sweeter to sow mischief Than to receive money; ’tis the finer pleasure. I’ll give him in his bonds, as 'twere in pity, To make the match, and bring 'em both to beggary: Then will they ne’er agree, that’s a sure point; He’ll give her a black eye within these three days, Beat half her teeth out by All-hallowtide, And break the little household stuff they have With throwing at one another: O sweet sport!— [_Aside._ Come, widow, come, I’ll try your honesty: Here to my honey you’ve made many proffers, I fear they’re all but tricks.—Here are his debts, gentlemen; [_Shews bonds._ How I came by 'em I know best myself.— Take him before us faithfully for your husband, And he shall tear 'em all before your face, widow. VAL. Else may all faith refuse me! SEC. SUIT. Tear 'em, honey; ’Tis firm in law, a consideration given: [RICARDO _tears the bonds_. What, with thy teeth? thou’lt shortly tear her so, That’s all my hope, thou’dst never had 'em else: I have enough, and I will have my humour. RIC. I’m now at liberty, widow. VAL. I’ll be so too, And then I come to thee.—Give me this from you, brother. [_Takes writing._ BRAN. Hold, sister, sister! VAL. Look you, the deed of gift, sir; I’m as free: He that has me has all, and thou art he. BOTH SUIT. How’s that? VAL. You’re bobb’d; ’twas but a deed in trust,— And all to prove thee, whom I’ve found most just. BRAN. I’m bobb’d among the rest too; I’d have sworn 'T had been a thing for me and my heirs for ever; If I’d but got it up to the black box above, I[t] had been past redemption. FIRST SUIT. How am I cheated! SEC. SUIT. I hope you’ll have the conscience now to pay me, sir. RIC. O wicked man, sower of strife and envy, Open not thy lips! SEC. SUIT. How, how’s this? RIC. Thou hast no charge[691] at all, no child of thine own, But two thou gott’st once of a scouring-woman, And they’re both well provided for, they’re i’ th’ hospital: Thou hast ten thousand pound to bury thee; Hang thyself when thou wilt, a slave go with thee! SEC. SUIT. I’m gone, my goodness comes all out together: I have enough, but I have not my humour. [_Exit._
_Re-enter_ VIOLETTA.
VIO. O master, gentlemen, and you, sweet widow,— I think you are no forwarder, yet I know not,— If ever you be sure to laugh again, Now is the time! VAL. Why, what’s the matter, wench? VIO. Ha, ha, ha! BRAN. Speak, speak. VIO. Ha!—a marriage, A marriage; I cannot tell’t for laughing—ha, ha! BRAN. A marriage? do you make that a laughing matter? VIO. Ha!—ay, and you’ll make it so when you know all. Hee they come,[692] here they come, one man married to another! VAL. How? man to man? VIO. Ay, man to man, i’faith; There’ll be good sport at night to bring 'em both to bed:
_Re-enter_ MARTIA, PHILIPPA, _and_ FRANCISCO.
Do you see 'em now? ha, ha, ha! FIRST SUIT. My daughter Martia! MARTIA. O my father! your love and pardon, sir! VAL. ’Tis she indeed, gentlemen. MARTIA. I have been disobedient, I confess, Unto your mind, and heaven has punish’d me With much affliction since I fled your sight; But finding reconcilement from above In peace of heart, the next I hope’s your love. FIRST SUIT. I cannot but forgive thee now I see thee; Thou fledd’st a happy fortune of an old man, But Francisco’s of a noble family, Though he be somewhat spent. FRAN. I lov’d her not, sir, As she was yours, for I protest I knew’t not, But for herself, sir, and her own deservings, Which, had you been as foul as you’ve been spiteful, I should have lov’d in her. FIRST SUIT. Well, hold your prating, sir; You are not like to lose by’t. PHIL. O Violetta, Who shall laugh at us now? VIO. The child unborn, mistress. MARTIA. Be good. FRAN. Be honest. MARTIA. Heaven will not let you sin, and[693] you’d be careful. FRAN. What means it sends to help you, think, and mend, You’re as much bound as we to praise that friend. PHIL. I am so, and I will so. MARTIA. Marry you speedily; Children tame you, you’ll die like a wild beast else. VIO. Ay, by my troth, should I. I’ve much ado To forbear laughing now, more’s my hard fortune.
_Re-enter_ MARTINO.
MAR. O master, mistress, and you gentles all, To horse, to horse presently, if you mean to do Your country any service! BRAN. Art not asham’d, Martino, to talk of horsing So openly before young married couples thus? MAR. It does concern the commonwealth, and me, And you, master, and all: the thieves are taken. MARTIA. What say’st, Martino? MAR. La, here’s commonwealth’s-men! The man of art, master, that cupp’d your eyes, Is prov’d an arrant rascal; and his man, That drew my tooth, an excellent purse-drawer— I felt no pain in that, it went insensibly. Such notable villanies confess’d!—— BRAN. Stop there, sir: We will have time for them.—Come, gentlefolks, Take a slight meal with us: but the best cheer Is perfect joy, and that we wish all here.[694] RIC. Stay, stay, sir; I’m as hungry of my widow, As you can be upon your maid, believe it; But we must come to our desires in order; There’s duties to be paid ere we go further.— He that without your likings leaves this place, Is like one falls to meat and forgets grace; And that’s not handsome, trust me, no: Our rights being paid, and your loves understood, My widow and my meat then do[695] me good.— I ha’ no money, wench, I told thee true,— For my report, pray let her hear’t from you. [_Exeunt omnes._
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A FAIR QUARREL.
_A Faire Quarrell. As it was Acted before the King and diuers times publikely by the Prince his Highnes Seruants. Written_
{ _By Thomas Midleton_ } { _and William Rowley._ } _Gentl._
_Printed at London for I. T. and are to bee sold at Christ Church Gate._ 1617. 4to.
During the same year copies were put forth with a fresh title-page,—_A Faire Quarrell. With new Additions of Mr. Chaughs and Trimtram’s Roaring, and the Bauds Song. Neuer before Printed_, &c.; these “new additions” being contained in three leaves, which the binder is desired to place “at the latter end of the fourth Act.” Another edition appeared in 1622, 4to.
On the title-page of the 4tos is a woodcut representing the Colonel and the Captain in combat, which has been copied into Strutt’s _Dress and Habits_, &c., Plate cxxxix.
Langbaine says, “The Plot of Fitz-allen, Russel, and Jane, is founded, as I suppose, on some Italian Novel, and may be read in English in the _Complaisant Companion_, octavo, p. 280. That part of the Physitian tempting Jane, and then accusing her, is founded on a Novel of Cynthio Giraldi: See Dec. 4. Nov. 5.” _Acc. of Engl. Dram. Poets_, p. 372.
TO THE
NOBLY DISPOSED, VIRTUOUS, AND FAITHFUL-BREASTED
ROBERT GREY, ESQUIRE,
ONE OF THE GROOMS OF HIS HIGHNESS’ BED-CHAMBER,
_His poor well-willer wisheth his best wishes, hic et supra_.
WORTHY SIR,
’Tis but a play, and a play is but a butt, against which many shoot many arrows of envy; ’tis the weaker part, and how much more noble shall it be in you to defend it: yet if it be (as some philosophers have left behind 'em), that this megacosm, this great world, is no more than a stage, where every one must act his part, you shall of necessity have many partakers, some long, some short, some indifferent, all some; whilst indeed the players themselves have the least part of it, for I know few that have lands (which are a part of the world), and therefore no grounded men; but howsoever they serve for mutes, happily they must wear good clothes for attendance, yet all have exits, and must all be stript in the tiring-house (viz. the grave), for none must carry any thing out of the stock. You see, sir, I write as I speak, and I speak as I am, and that’s excuse enough for me. I did not mean to write an epistle of praise to you; it looks so like a thing I know you love not, flattery, which you exceedingly hate actively, and unpleasingly accept passively: indeed, I meant to tell you your own, that is, that this child of the Muses is yours; whoever begat it, ’tis laid to your charge, and, for aught I know, you must father and keep it too: if it please you, I hope you shall not be ashamed of it neither, for it has been seen, though I say it, in good companies, and many have said it is a handsome, pretty-spoken infant. Now be your own judge; at your leisure look on it, at your pleasure laugh at it; and if you be sorry it is no better, you may be glad it is no bigger.
Yours ever, WILLIAM ROWLEY.[696]
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
RUSSELL, _brother to Lady Ager and father to Jane_. _The Colonel._ CAPTAIN AGER, _son to Lady Ager_. _Friends of the Colonel._ _Friends of Captain Ager._ FITZALLEN, _privately married to Jane_. CHOUGH, _a Cornish gentleman_. TRIMTRAM, _his servant_. _Physician._ _Surgeon._ _Usher of the Roaring School._ CAPTAIN ALBO, _a pander_. VAPOUR, _a tobacco-seller_. _Sergeants, Roarers, Servants._
LADY AGER, _mother to the captain, and sister to Russell_. JANE, _daughter to Russell, and privately married to Fitzallen_. _The Colonel’s sister._ ANNE, _sister to the Physician_. _Dutch Nurse._ MEG, _a bawd_. PRISS, _a harlot_.
Scene, LONDON and its neighbourhood.
A FAIR QUARREL.
ACT I. SCENE I.
_A Court before_ RUSSELL’S _House_.
_Enter_ RUSSELL.
RUS. It must be all my care; there’s all my love, And that pulls on the other.[697] Had I been left In a son behind me, while I had been here He should have shifted as I did before him, Liv’d on the freeborn portion of his wit; But a daughter, and that an only one,—O, We cannot be too careful o’ her, too tender! ’Tis such A brittle niceness, a mere cupboard of glasses, The least shake breaks or cracks 'em. All my aim is To cast her upon riches; that’s the thing We rich men call perfection; for the world Can perfect nought without it: ’tis not neatness, Either in handsome wit or handsome outside, With which one gentleman, far in debt, has courted her; Which boldness he shall rue. He thinks me blind And ignorant: I’ve let him play a long time, Seem’d to believe his worth, which I know nothing: He may perhaps laugh at my easy confidence, Which closely I requite upon his fondness, For this hour snaps him; and before his mistress, His saint, forsooth, which he inscribes my girl, He shall be rudely taken and disgrac’d. The trick will prove an everlasting scarecrow To fright poor gallants from our rich men’s daughters.
_Enter_ LADY AGER _and two Servants_.
Sister! I’ve such a joy to make you a welcome of, Better you never tasted. LADY AGER. Good, sir, spare it not. RUS. Colonel’s come, and your son captain Ager. LADY AGER. My son? [_Weeps._ RUSS. I know your eye would be first serv’d; That’s the soul’s taster still for grief or joy. LADY AGER. O, if a mother’s dear suit may prevail with him, From England he shall never part again! RUS. No question he’ll be rul’d, and grant you that. LADY AGER. I’ll bring all my desires to that request. [_Exit with servants._ RUS. Affectionate sister! she has no daughter now; It follows all the love must come to him, And he has a worth deserves it, were it dearer.
_Enter Friend of the Colonel and Friend of_ CAPTAIN AGER.
COL.’S FR. I must not give way to’t. RUS. What’s here to question? [_Aside._ COL.’S FR. Compare young captain Ager with the Colonel! CAP.’S FR. Young? why, do you Make youth stand for an imputation? That which you now produce for his disgrace Infers his nobleness, that, being young, Should have an anger more inclin’d to courage And moderation than the Colonel; A virtue as rare as chastity in youth; And let the cause be good—conscience in him, Which ever crowns his acts, and is indeed Valour’s prosperity—he dares then as much As ever made him famous that you plead for. COL.’S FR. Then I forbear too long. CAP.’S FR. His worth for me! [_They fight._ RUS. Here’s noble youths! belike some wench has cross’d 'em, And now they know not what to do with their blood. [_Aside._
_Enter the Colonel and_ CAPTAIN AGER.