Part 26

COL. How now? CAP. AGER. Hold, hold! what’s the incitement? COL. So serious at your game! come, come, the quarrel? COL.’S FR. Nothing, good faith, sir. COL. Nothing? and you bleed? COL.’S FR. Bleed! where? pish, a little scratch by chance, sir. COL. What need this niceness,[698] when you know so well That I must know these things, and truly know 'em? Your daintiness makes me but more impatient; This strange concealment frets me. COL.’S FR. Words did pass Which I was bound to answer, as my opinion And love instructed me; And should I take in general fame into 'em, I think I should commit no error in’t. COL. What words, sir, and of whom? COL.’S FR. This gentleman Parallell’d captain Ager’s worth with yours. COL. With mine? COL.’S FR. It was a thing I could not listen to With any patience. CAP. AGER. What should ail you, sir? There was little wrong done to your friend i’ that. COL. How? little wrong to me? CAP. AGER. I said so, friend, And I suppose that you’ll esteem it so. COL. Comparisons! CAP. AGER. Why, sir, 'twixt friend and friend There is so even and level a degree, It will admit of no superlative. COL. Not in terms of manhood? RUS. [_coming forward_] Nay, gentlemen—— COL. Good sir, give me leave—in terms of manhood, What can you dispute more questionable? You’re a captain, sir; I give you all your due. CAP. AGER. And you are a colonel, a title Which may include within it many captains: Yet, sir, but throwing by those titular shadows, Which add no substance to the men themselves, And take them uncompounded, man and man, They may be so with fair equality. COL. You’re a boy, sir! CAP. AGER. And you have a beard, sir: Virginity and marriage are both worthy; And the positive purity there are some Have made the nobler. COL. How now? RUS. Nay, good sir—— CAP. AGER. I shrink not; he that goes the foremost may Be overtaken. COL. Death, how am I weigh’d! CAP. AGER. In an even balance, sir; a beard put in Gives but a small advantage: man and man, And lift the scales. COL. Patience shall be my curse, If it ride me further! [_They draw their swords._ RUS. How now, gallants? Believe me then, I must give aim[699] no longer: Can words beget swords, and bring 'em forth, ha? Come, they’re abortive propagations; Hide 'em, for shame! I had thought soldiers Had been musical, would not strike out of time, But to the consort[700] of drum, trumps, and fife: ’Tis madman-like to dance without music, And most unpleasing shews to the beholders, A Lydian ditty to a Doric note. Friends embrace with steel hands? fie, it meets too hard! I must have those encounters here debarr’d. COL. Shall I lose here what I have safe brought home Through many dangers? CAP. AGER. What’s that, sir? COL. My fame, Life of the life, my reputation. Death! I am squar’d and measur’d out; My heights, depths, breadth, all my dimensions taken! Sure I have yet beyond your astrolabe A spirit unbounded. CAP. AGER. Sir, you might weigh—— RUS. Tush! All this is weighing fire, vain and fruitless: The further it runs into argument, The further plung’d; beseech you, no more on’t. I have a little claim, sir, in your blood, As near as the brother to your mother, If that may serve for power to move your quiet; The rest I shall make up with courtesy And an uncle’s love. CAP. AGER. I have done, sir, but—— RUS. But? I’ll have no more shooting at these butts.[701] COL. We’ll to pricks when he please. RUS. You rove all still. Sir, I have no motive proof to disgest[702] Your raised choler back into temperate blood; But if you’ll make mine age a counsellor,— As all ages have hitherto allow’d it, Wisdom in men grows up as years increase,— You shall make me blessed in making peace, And do your judgment right. COL. In peace at home Grey hairs are senators, but to determine Soldiers and their actions——

_Enter_ FITZALLEN _and_ JANE.

RUS. ’Tis peace here, sir: And see, here comes a happy interim; Here enters now a scene of loving arms; This couple will not quarrel so. COL.’S FR. Be advis’d, sir; This gentleman, Fitzallen, is your kinsman; You may o’erthrow his long-labour’d fortunes With one angry minute; ’tis a rich churl, And this his sole inheritrix; blast not His hopes with this tempest. COL. It shall calm me: All the town’s conjurers and their demons could not Have laid my spirit so. FITZ. Worthy coz, I gratulate your fair return to peace! Your swift fame was at home long before you. COL. It meets, I hope, your happy fortunes here, And I am glad in’t. I must salute your joys, coz, With a soldier’s encounter. [_Kisses_ JANE. FITZ. Worthy captain Ager! I hope, my kinsman shortly. RUS. You must come short indeed, Or the length of my device will be ill-shrunk. [_Aside._ Why, now it shews finely! I’ll tell you, sir,— Sir?—nay, son, I know i’ th’ end 'twill be so— FITZ. I hope so, sir. RUS. Hope? nay,’tis past all hope, son: Here has been such a stormy encounter 'twixt[703] My cousin[704] captain and this brave Colonel, About I know not what—nothing indeed— Competitions, degrees, and comparatives Of soldiership; but this smooth passage of love Has calm’d it all.—Come, I will have it sound; Let me see your hearts combined in your hands, And then I will believe the league is good: It shall be the grape’s, if we drink any blood. COL. I have no anger, sir. CAP. AGER. I have had none, My blood has not yet rose to a quarrel; Nor have you had cause— COL. No cause of quarrel? Death! if my father should tell me so—— RUS. Again? FITZ. Good sir, for my sake—— COL. Faith, I have done, coz; You do too hastily believe mine anger: And yet, to say diminiting[705] valour In a soldier is no cause of quarrel—— RUS. Nay, then, I’ll remove the cause, to kill th’ effect. Kinsman, I’ll press you to’t, if either love Or consanguinity may move you to’t: I must disarm you; though ye are a soldier, Pray, grant me your weapon; it shall be safe [_Takes_ CAPTAIN AGER’S _sword_.

At your regress from my house. Now I know No words can move this noble soldier’s sword To a man undefenc’d so: we shall parle,[706] And safely make all perfect friends again. COL. To shew my will, sir, accept mine to you; [_Gives his sword to_ RUSSELL.

As good not wear it as not dare to use it. COL.’S FR. Nay, then, sir, we will be all exampl’d; We’ll have no arms here now but lovers’ arms. [_Gives his sword to_ RUSSELL. CAP.’S FR. No seconds must begin a quarrel: take mine, sir. [_Gives his sword to_ RUSSELL. RUS. Why, la, what a fine sunshine’s here! these clouds My breath has blown into another climate. I’ll be your armorer;[707] they are not pawn’d.— These were the fish that I did angle for; I have caught 'em finely. Now for my trick; My project’s lusty, and will hit the nick. [_Exit with weapons._

COL. What, is’t a match, beauty? I would now have Alliance with my worthy captain Ager, To knit our loves the faster: here is witness Enough, if you confirm it now. JANE. Sir, my voice Was long since given, since that I gave my hand. COL. Would you had seal’d too! JANE. That wish comes too late, For I too soon fear my delivery.— [_Aside._ My father’s hand sticks yet, sir; you may now Challenge a lawful interest in his: He took your hand from your enraged blood, And gave it freely to your opposite, My cousin Ager: methinks you should claim from him, In the less quality of calmer blood, To join the hands of two divided friends, Even these two that would offer willingly Their own embrace. COL.’S FR.[708] Troth, she instructs you well, Colonel, and you shall do a lover’s part Worth one brave act of valour. COL. Why, I did Misdoubt no scruple; is there doubt in it? FITZ. Faith, sir, delays, which at the least are doubts; But here’s a constant resolution fix’d, Which we wish willingly he would accord to. COL. Tush, he shall do’t, I will not be denied; He owes me so much in the recompense Of my reconcilement.—Captain Ager, You will take our parts against your uncle In this quarrel? CAP. AGER. I shall do my best, sir; Two denials shall not repulse me: I love Your worthy kinsman, and wish him mine; I know He doubts it not. COL. See, he’s return’d.

_Re-enter_ RUSSELL _with Servant_.

RUS. Your cue, Be sure you keep it; 'twill be spoken quickly, Therefore watch it. [_Exit Servant._ COL. Let’s set on him all at once. ALL. Sir, we have a suit to you. RUS. What, all at once? ALL. All, all, i’faith, sir. RUS. One speaker may yet deliver: say, say; I shall not dare to stand out 'gainst so many. COL. Faith, sir, here’s a brabbling matter[709] hangs on demur; I make the motion for all without a fee; Pray you, let it be ended this term. RUS. Ha, ha, ha!— That is the rascal’s cue, and he has miss’d it.— [_Aside._ What is’t, what is’t, sir? COL. Why, sir, here’s a man And here’s a woman—you’re scholar good enough— Put 'em together, and tell me what it spells? RUS. Ha, ha, ha!— There’s his cue once again:

_Re-enter Servant._

O, he’s come—humph! [_Aside._ SER. My master laughs; that is his cue to mischief. [_Aside._ COL. What say you, sir? SER. Sir—— RUS. Ha! what say you, sir? SER. Sir, there’s a couple desire speedily to speak with you. RUS. A couple, sir, of what? hounds or horses? SER. Men, sir; gentlemen or yeomen, I know not which, But the one, sure, they are. RUS. Hast thou no other description of them? SER. They come with commission, they say, sir, to taste of your earth; if they like it, they’ll turn it into gunpowder. RUS. O, they are saltpetre-men—before me,[710] And they bring commission, the king’s power indeed! They must have entrance: but the knaves will be brib’d; There’s all the hope we have in officers; They were too dangerous in a commonwealth, But that they will be very well corrupted; Necessary varlets. SER. Shall I enter in,[711] sir? RUS. By all fair means, sir, And with all speed, sir: give 'em very good words, To save my ground unravish’d, unbroke up: [_Exit Servant._

Mine’s yet A virgin earth; the worm hath not been seen To wriggle in her chaste bowels, and I’d be loath A gunpowder fellow should deflower her now. COL. Our suit is yet delay’d by this means, sir. RUS. Alas, I cannot help it! these fellows gone, As I hope I shall despatch 'em quickly, A few articles shall conclude your suit: Who? master Fitzallen? the only man That my adoption aims at. COL. There’s good hope then.

_Enter two Sergeants in disguise._

FIRST SERG. Save you, sir. RUS. You are welcome, sir, for aught I know yet. SEC. SERG. We come to take a view and taste of your ground, sir. RUS. I’d rather feed you with better meat, gentlemen; But do your pleasures, pray. FIRST SERG. This is our pleasures:—We arrest you, sir, In the king’s name. [_They arrest_ FITZALLEN. FITZ. Ha! at whose suit? RUS. How’s that? COL. Our weapons, good sir, furnish us! JANE. Ay me! RUS. Stay, stay, gentlemen, let’s inquire the cause: It may be but a trifle; a small debt Shall need no rescue here. SEC. SERG. Sir, betwixt three creditors, master Leach, master Swallow, and master Bonesuck, the debts are a thousand pounds.

RUS. A thousand pounds! beshrow[712] me, a good[713] man’s substance! COL. Good sir, our weapons! we’ll teach these varlets to walk In their own parti-colour’d coats, that they May be distinguished from honest men. FIRST SERG. Sir, attempt no rescue; he’s our prisoner: You’ll make the danger worse by violence. COL. A plague upon your gunpowder-treason, Ye quick-damn’d varlets! is this your saltpeter-proving, Your tasting earth? would you might ne’er feed better, Nor none of your catchpoll tribe!—Our weapons, good sir! We’ll yet deliver him. RUS. Pardon me, sir; I dare not suffer [any] rescue here, At least not by so great an accessary As to furnish you: had you had your weapons— But to see the ill fate on’t!—My fine trick, i’faith! Let beggars beware to love rich men’s daughters: I’ll teach 'em the new morrice; I learnt it myself Of another careful father. [_Aside._ FITZ. May I not be bail’d? SEC. SERG. Yes, but not with swords. COL. Slaves, here are sufficient men! FIRST SERG. Ay, i’ th’ field, But not in the city.—Sir, if this gentleman Will be one, we’ll easily admit the second. RUS. Who, I? sir, pray, pardon me: I am wrong’d, Very much wrong’d in this; I must needs speak it.— Sir, you have not dealt like an honest lover With me nor my child: here you boast to me Of a great revenue, a large substance, Wherein you would endow and state my daughter: Had I miss’d this, my opinion yet Thought you a frugal man, to understand The sure wards against all necessities; Boldly to defend your wife and family, To walk unmuffl’d, dreadless of these flesh-hooks, Even in the daring’st streets through all the city; But now I find you a loose prodigal, A large unthrift: a whole thousand pound!— Come from him, girl, his inside is not sound. FITZ. Sir, I am wrong’d; these are malicious plots Of some obscure enemies that I have; These debts are none of mine. RUS. Ay, all say so: Perhaps you stand engag’d for other men; If so you do, you must then call’t your own: The like arrearage do I run into Should I bail you; but I have vow’d against it, And I will keep my vows; that is religious. FITZ. All this is nothing so, sir. RUS. Nothing so? By my faith, ’tis, sir; my vows are firm. FITZ. I neither Owe these debts, nor [am] engag’d for others. RUS. The easier is your liberty regain’d: These appear proofs to me. COL. Liberty, sir? I hope you will not see him go to prison. RUS. I do not mean to bear him company So far, but I will see him out of my doors: O, sir, let him go to prison! ’tis a school To tame wild bloods, he’ll be much better for’t. COL. Better for lying in prison? RUS. In prison; believe it, Many an honest man lies in prison, else all The keepers are knaves; they told me so themselves. COL. Sir, I do now suspect you have betray’d him And us, to cause us to be weaponless: If it be so, you’re a blood-sucking churl, One that was born in a great frost, when charity Could not stir a finger; and you shall die In heat of a burning fever i’ th’ dog-days, To begin your hell to you: I’ve said your grace for you; Now get you to supper as soon as you can; Pluto, the master of the house, is set already. CAP. AGER. Sir, you do wrong mine uncle. COL. Pox on your uncle And all his kin! if my kinsman mingle No blood with him. CAP. AGER. You are a foul-mouth’d fellow! COL. Foul-mouth’d I will be—thou’rt the son of a whore! CAP. AGER. Ha! whore? plagues and furies! I’ll thrust that back, Or pluck thy heart out after!—son of a whore? COL. On thy life I’ll prove it. CAP. AGER. Death, I am naked!— Uncle, I’ll give you my left hand for my sword To arm my right with—O this fire will flame me Into present ashes! COL. Sir, give us weapons; We ask our own; you will not rob us of them? RUS. No, sir, but still restrain your furies here: At my door I’ll give you them, nor at this time My nephew’s; a time will better suit you: And I must tell you, sir, you have spoke swords, And, 'gainst the law of arms, poison’d the blades, And with them wounded the reputation Of an unblemish’d woman: would you were out of my doors! COL. Pox on your doors, and let it run all your house o’er! Give me my sword! CAP. AGER. We shall meet, Colonel? COL. Yes, better provided: to spur thee more, I do repeat my words—son of a whore! [_Exit with his Friend._ CAP.’S FR. Come, sir; ’tis no worse than it was; you can Do nothing now. [_Exit with_ CAPT. AGER. RUS. No, I’ll bar him now.—Away with that beggar! [_Exit._ JANE. Good sir, Let this persuade you for two minutes’ stay; At this price, I know, you can wait all day. [_Giving money._ FIRST SERG. You know the remora[714] that stays our ship always. JANE. Your ship sinks many when this hold lets go.— O my Fitzallen! what is to be done? FITZ. To be still thine is all my part to be, Whether in freedom or captivity. JANE. But art thou so engag’d as this pretends? FITZ. By heaven, sweet Jane, ’tis all a hellish plot! Your cruel-smiling father all this while Has candied o’er a bitter pill for me, Thinking by my remove to plant some other, And then let go his fangs. JANE. Plant some other? Thou hast too firmly stampt me for thine own, Ever to be ras’d out: I am not current In any other’s hand; I fear too soon I shall discover it. FITZ. Let come the worst; Bind but this knot with an unloosed line, I will be still thine own. JANE. And I’ll be thine. FIRST SERG. My watch has gone two minutes, master. FITZ. It shall not be renew’d; I go, sir—Farewell! JANE. Farewell! we both are prison’d, though not together; But here’s the difference in our luckless chance, I fear mine own, wish thy deliverance. FITZ. Our hearts shall hourly visit: I’ll send to thee; Then ’tis no prison where the mind is free. [_Exit with Sergeants._

_Re-enter_ RUSSELL.

RUS. So, let him go!—Now, wench, I bring thee joys, A fair sunshine after this angry storm. It was my policy to remove this beggar: What? shall rich men wed their only daughters To two fair suits of clothes, and perhaps yet The poor tailor is unpaid? no, no, my girl, I have a lad of thousands coming in: Suppose he have more wealth than wit to guide it, Why, there’s thy gains; thou keep’st the keys of all, Disposest all; and for generation, Man does most seldom stamp 'em from the brain; Wise men beget[715] fools, and fools are the fathers To many wise children; _hysteron proteron_, A great scholar may beget an idiot, And from the plough-tail may come a great scholar; Nay, they are frequent propagations. JANE. I am not well, sir. RUS. Ha! not well, my girl? Thou shalt have a physician then, [i’faith], The best that gold can fetch upon his footcloth.[716] Thou know’st my tender pity to thee ever; Want nothing that thy wishes can instruct thee To call for,—'fore me,[717] and thou look’st half-ill indeed! But I’ll bring one within a day to thee Shall rouse thee up, for he’s come up already; One master Chough, a Cornish gentleman; Has as much land of his own fee-simple As a crow can fly over in half a day: And now I think on’t, at the Crow at Aldgate His lodging is:—he shall so stir thee up!— Come, come, be cheer’d! think of thy preferment: Honour and attendance, these will bring thee health; And the way to 'em is to climb by wealth. [_Exeunt._

ACT II. SCENE I.

_A Room in_ LADY AGER’S _House_.

_Enter_ CAPTAIN AGER.

CAP. AGER. The son of a whore? There is not such another murdering-piece[718] In all the stock of calumny; it kills At one report two reputations, A mother’s and a son’s. If it were possible That souls could fight after the bodies fell, This were a quarrel for 'em; he should be one, indeed, That never heard of heaven’s joys or hell’s torments, To fight this out: I am too full of conscience, Knowledge, and patience, to give justice to’t; So careful of my eternity, which consists Of upright actions, that unless I knew It were a truth I stood for, any coward Might make my breast his foot-pace: and who lives That can assure the truth of his conception, More than a mother’s carriage makes it hopeful? And is’t not miserable valour then, That man should hazard all upon things doubtful? O, there’s the cruelty of my foe’s advantage! Could but my soul resolve my cause were just, Earth’s mountain nor sea’s surge should hide him from me! E'en to hell’s threshold would I follow him, And see the slanderer in before I left him! But as it is, it fears[719] me; and I never Appear’d too conscionably just till now. My good opinion of her life and virtues Bids me go on, and fain would I be rul’d by’t; But when my judgment tells me she’s but woman, Whose frailty[720] let in death to all mankind, My valour shrinks at that. Certain, she’s good; There only wants but my assurance in’t, And all things then were perfect: how I thirst for’t! Here comes the only she that could resolve[721]— But ’tis too vild[722] a question to demand indeed.

_Enter_ LADY AGER.

LADY AGER. Son, I’ve a suit to you. CAP. AGER. That may do well.— [_Aside._ To me, good madam? you’re most sure to speed in’t, Be’t i’ my power to grant it. LADY AGER. ’Tis my love Makes the request, that you would never part From England more. CAP. AGER. With all my heart ’tis granted!— I’m sure I’m i’ the way never to part from’t. [_Aside._ LADY AGER. Where left you your dear friend the Colonel? CAP. AGER. O, the dear Colonel,—I should meet him soon. LADY AGER. O fail him not then! he’s a gentleman The fame and reputation of your time Is much engag’d to. CAP. AGER. Yes, and[723] you knew all, mother. LADY AGER. I thought I’d known so much of his fair goodness, More could not have been look’d for. CAP. AGER. O, yes, yes, madam, And this his last exceeded all the rest. LADY AGER. For gratitude’s sake, let me know this, I prithee! CAP. AGER. Then thus; and I desire your censure[724] freely, Whether it appear’d not a strange noble kindness in him. LADY AGER. Trust me, I long to hear’t. CAP. AGER. You know he’s hasty,— That by the way. LADY AGER. So are the best conditions;[725] Your father was the like. CAP. AGER. I begin now To doubt me more: why am not I so too then? Blood follows blood through forty generations, And I’ve a slow-pac’d wrath—a shrewd dilemma!