Part 7

MAT. Zounds! FLU. O my lord, these cloaks are not for this rain! the tempest is too great: I come sweating to tell you of it, that you may get out of it. MAT. Why, what’s the matter? FLU. What’s the matter! you have mattered it fair: the duke’s at hand. ALL. The duke! FLU. The very duke. HIP. Then all our plots Are turn’d upon our heads, and we’re blown up With our own underminings. ’Sfoot, how comes he? What villain durst betray our being here? FLU. Castruchio; Castruchio told the duke, and Matheo here told Castruchio. HIP. Would you betray me to Castruchio? MAT. ’Sfoot, he damned himself to the pit of hell if he spake on’t again. HIP. So did you swear to me; so were you damn’d. MAT. Pox on 'em, and there be no faith in men, if a man shall not believe oaths. He took bread and salt,[211] by this light, that he would never open his lips. HIP. O God, O God! AN. Son, be not desperate, Have patience; you shall trip your enemy down By his own slights.[212]—How far is the duke hence? FLU. He’s but new set out: Castruchio, Pioratto, and Sinezi, come along with him; you have time enough yet to prevent[213] them, if you have but courage. AN. You shall steal secretly into the chapel, And presently be married. If the duke Abide here still, spite of ten thousand eyes You shall ’scape hence like friars. HIP. O blest disguise![214] O happy man! AN. Talk not of happiness, till your closed hand Have her by th’ forehead like the lock of time. Be nor too slow nor hasty, now you climb Up to the tower of bliss; only be wary And patient, that’s all. If you like my plot, Build and despatch; if not, farewell, then not. HIP. O yes, we do applaud it! we’ll dispute No longer, but will hence and execute. Fluello, you’ll stay here; let us be gone. The ground that frighted[215] lovers tread upon Is stuck with thorns. AN. Come, then, away: ’tis meet, To escape those thorns, to put on winged feet. [_Exeunt_ ANSELMO, HIPPOLITO, _and_ INFELICE. MAT. No words, pray,[216] Fluello, for’t stands us upon. FLU. O sir, let that be your lesson! [_Exit_ MATHEO. Alas, poor lovers! on what hopes and fears Men toss themselves for women! when she’s got, The best has in her that which pleaseth not.

_Enter the_ DUKE, CASTRUCHIO, PIORATTO, _and_ SINEZI, _from different sides, muffled_.

DUKE. Who’s there? CAS. My lord! DUKE. Peace, send that lord away; A lordship will spoil all: let’s be all fellows. What’s he? CAS. Fluello; or else Sinezi, by his little legs. FLU. } PIO. } All friends, all friends. SIN. }

DUKE. What? met upon the very point of time! Is this the place? PIO. This is the place, my lord. DUKE. Dream you on lordships? come, no more lords, pray. You have not seen these lovers yet? ALL. Not yet. DUKE. Castruchio, art thou sure this wedding feat Is not till afternoon? CAS. So ’tis given out, my lord. DUKE. Nay, nay, ’tis like; thieves must observe their hours; Lovers watch minutes like astronomers. How shall the interim hours by us be spent? FLU. Let’s all go see the madmen. CAS. } PIO. } Mass, content. SIN. }

_Enter a Sweeper._[217]

DUKE. O, here comes one; question him, question him. FLU. How now, honest fellow? dost thou belong to the house? SWEEP. Yes, forsooth, I am one of the implements; I sweep the madmen’s rooms, and fetch straw for 'em, and buy chains to tie 'em, and rods to whip 'em. I was a mad wag myself here once; but I thank father Anselmo, he lashed me into my right mind again. DUKE. Anselmo is the friar must marry them; Question him where he is.

CAS. And where is father Anselmo now? SWEEP. Marry, he’s gone but e’en now. DUKE. Ay, well done.—Tell me, whither is he gone? SWEEP. Why, to God a’mighty. FLU. Ha, ha! this fellow is a fool, talks idly. PIO. Sirrah, are all the mad folks in Milan brought hither? SWEEP. How, all? there’s a wise question indeed! why, if all the mad folks in Milan should come hither, there would not be left ten men in the city. DUKE. Few gentlemen or courtiers here, ha? SWEEP. O yes, abundance, abundance! lands no sooner fall into their hands but straight they run out a’ their wits: citizens’ sons and heirs are free of the house by their fathers’ copy: farmers’ sons come hither like geese, in flocks; and when they ha’ sold all their corn-fields, here they sit and pick the straws. SIN. Methinks you should have women here as well as men. SWEEP. O ay, a plague on 'em, there’s no ho with them;[218] they are madder than March-hares. FLU. Are there no lawyers here amongst you? SWEEP. O no, not one; never any lawyer: we dare not let a lawyer come in, for he’ll make 'em mad faster than we can recover 'em. DUKE. And how long is’t ere you recover any of these? SWEEP. Why, according to the quantity of the moon that’s got into 'em. An alderman’s son will be mad a great while, a very great while, especially if his friends left him well; a whore will hardly come to her wits again; a puritan, there’s no hope of him, unless he may pull down the steeple, and hang himself i’ th’ bell-ropes. FLU. I perceive all sorts of fish come to your net. SWEEP. Yes, in truth, we have blocks[219] for all heads; we have good store of wild oats here: for the courtier is mad at the citizen, the citizen is mad at the countryman,[220] the shoemaker is mad at the cobbler, the cobbler at the carman, the punk is mad that the merchant’s wife is no whore, the merchant’s wife is mad that the punk is so common a whore. God’s-so, here’s father Anselmo! pray, say nothing that I tell tales out of the school. [_Exit._

_Re-enter_ ANSELMO _and Servants_.

ALL. God bless you, father! AN. Thank you, gentlemen. CAS. Pray, may we see some of those wretched souls That here are in your keeping? AN. Yes, you shall; But, gentlemen, I must disarm you then: There are of madmen, as there are of tame, All humour’d not alike: we have here some So apish and fantastic, play with a feather; And, though 'twould grieve a soul to see God’s image So blemish’d and defac’d, yet do they act Such antic and such pretty lunacies, That, spite of sorrow, they will make you smile: Others again we have like hungry lions, Fierce as wild bulls, untameable as flies; And these have oftentimes from strangers’ sides Snatch’d rapiers suddenly, and done much harm; Whom if you’ll see, you must be weaponless. ALL. With all our hearts. [_Giving their weapons to_ ANSELMO. AN. Here, take these weapons in.— [_Exit Servant with weapons._ Stand off a little, pray; so, so, ’tis well. I’ll shew you here a man that was sometimes A very grave and wealthy citizen; Has serv’d a prenticeship to this misfortune, Been here seven years, and dwelt in Bergamo. DUKE. How fell he from his wits? AN. By loss at sea. I’ll stand aside, question him you alone; For if he spy me, he’ll not speak a word, Unless he’s throughly vex’d.

_Opens a door and then retires: enter First Madman wrapt in a net._[221]

FLU. Alas, poor soul! CAS. A very old man. DUKE. God speed, father! FIRST MAD. God speed the plough! thou shalt not speed me. PIO. We see you, old man, for all you dance in a net. FIRST MAD. True, but thou wilt dance in a halter, and I shall not see thee. AN. O, do not vex him, pray! CAS. Are you a fisherman, father? FIRST MAD. No, I’m neither fish nor flesh. FLU. What do you with that net, then? FIRST MAD. Dost not see, fool, there’s a fresh salmon in’t? If you step one foot further, you’ll be over shoes, for you see I’m over head and ears[222] in the salt water: and if you fall into this whirlpool where I am, you’re drowned, you’re a drowned rat!—I am fishing here for five ships, but I cannot have a good draught, for my net breaks still, and breaks; but I’ll break some of your necks, and[223] I catch you in my clutches. Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay: where’s the wind, where’s the wind, where’s the wind, where’s the wind? Out, you gulls, you goosecaps, you gudgeon-eaters! do you look for the wind in the heavens? ha, ha, ha, ha! no, no! look there, look there, look there! the wind is always at that door: hark, how it blows! puff, puff, puff! ALL. Ha, ha, ha! FIRST MAD. Do you laugh at God’s creatures? do you mock old age, you rogues? is this grey beard and head counterfeit, that you cry ha, ha, ha?—Sirrah, art not thou my eldest son? PIO. Yes indeed, father. FIRST MAD. Then thou’rt a fool; for my eldest son had a polt foot,[224] crooked legs, a verjuice face, and a pear-coloured[225] beard: I made him a scholar, and he made himself a fool.—Sirrah, thou there! hold out thy hand. DUKE. My hand? well, here ’tis. FIRST MAD. Look, look, look, look! has he not long nails and short hair? FLU. Yes, monstrous short hair and abominable long nails. FIRST MAD. Ten-penny nails, are they not? FLU. Yes, ten-penny nails. FIRST MAD. Such nails had my second boy.—Kneel down, thou varlet, and ask thy father’s blessing. Such nails had my middlemost son, and I made him a promoter;[226] and he scraped, and scraped, and scraped, till he got the devil and all: but he scraped thus, and thus, and thus, and it went under his legs, till at length a company of kites, taking him for carrion, swept up all, all, all, all, all, all, all. If you love your lives, look to yourselves! see, see, see, see, the Turk’s galleys are fighting with my ships! bounce go[227] the guns! O—O, cry the men! rumble, rumble go the waters! alas, there, ’tis sunk, ’tis sunk! I am undone, I am undone! you are the damned pirates have undone me, you are, by th’ lord, you are, you are!—stop 'em—you are! AN. Why, how now, sirrah? must I fall to tame you? FIRST MAD. Tame me? no; I’ll be madder than a roasted cat. See, see, I am burnt with gunpowder! these are our close fights! AN. I’ll whip you, if you grow unruly thus. FIRST MAD. Whip me? out, you toad! whip me? what justice is this, to whip me because I’m a beggar? Alas, I am a poor man, a very poor man! I am starved, and have had no meat, by this light, ever since the great flood; I am a poor man. AN. Well, well, be quiet, and you shall have meat. FIRST MAD. Ay, ay, pray, do; for, look you, here be my guts; these are my ribs, you may look through my ribs; see how my guts come out! these are my red guts, my very guts, O, O! AN. Take him in there. _Servants remove First Madman._ FLU. } A very piteous sight. PIO., _&c._ } CAS. Father, I see you have a busy charge. AN. They must be us’d like children; pleas’d with toys, And anon whipt for their unruliness. I’ll shew you now a pair quite different From him that’s gone; he was all words; and these, Unless you urge 'em, seldom spend their speech, But save their tongues.

_Opens another door, from which enter Second and Third Madmen._

La, you; this hithermost Fell from the happy quietness of mind About a maiden that he lov’d, and died: He follow’d her to church, being full of tears, And as her body went into the ground, He fell stark mad. That is a married man, Was jealous of a fair, but, as some say, A very virtuous wife; and that spoil’d him. THIRD MAD. All these are whoremongers, and lay with my wife: whore, whore, whore, whore, whore! FLU. Observe him. THIRD MAD. Gaffer shoemaker, you pulled on my wife’s pumps, and then crept into her pantofles:[228] lie there, lie there!—This was her tailor. You cut out her loose-bodied gown, and put in a yard more than I allowed her: lie there, by the shoemaker.—O master doctor, are you here? you gave me a purgation, and then crept into my wife’s chamber to feel her pulses; and you said, and she said, and her maid said, that they went pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat: doctor, I’ll put you anon into my wife’s urinal.—Heigh, come aloft, Jack![229] This was her schoolmaster, and taught her to play upon the virginals;[230] and still his jacks leapt up, up. You pricked her out nothing but bawdy lessons; but I’ll prick you all! fiddler—doctor—tailor—shoemaker,— shoemaker—fiddler—doctor—tailor!—so! lie with my wife again, now! CAS. See how he notes the other now he feeds. THIRD MAD. Give me some porridge. SEC. MAD. I’ll give thee none. THIRD MAD. Give me some porridge. SEC. MAD. I’ll not give thee a bit. THIRD MAD. Give me that flap-dragon.[231] SEC. MAD. I’ll not give thee a spoonful: thou liest, it’s no dragon; ’tis a parrot that I bought for my sweetheart, and I’ll keep it. THIRD MAD. Here’s an almond for parrot.[232] SEC. MAD. Hang thyself! THIRD MAD. Here’s a rope for parrot.[233] SEC. MAD. Eat it, for I’ll eat this. THIRD MAD. I’ll shoot at thee, and[234] thou’t give me none. SEC. MAD. Wu’t thou? THIRD MAD. I’ll run a tilt at thee, and thou’t give me none. SEC. MAD. Wu’t thou? do, and thou darest. THIRD MAD. Bounce! SEC. MAD. O—O, I am slain! murder, murder, murder! I am slain; my brains are beaten out. AN. How now, you villains!—Bring me whips—I’ll whip you. SEC. MAD. I am dead! I am slain! ring out the bell, for I am dead. DUKE. How will you do now, sirrah? you ha’ kill’d him. THIRD MAD. I’ll answer’t at sessions. He was eating of almond-butter, and I longed for’t: the child had never been delivered out of my belly, if I had not killed him. I’ll answer’t at sessions, so my wife may be burnt i’ th’ hand too. AN. Take 'em in both; bury him, for he’s dead. SEC. MAD. Ay, indeed, I am dead; put me, I pray, into a good pit-hole. THIRD MAD. I’ll answer’t at sessions. [_Servants remove Second and Third Madmen._

_Enter_ BELLAFRONT.

AN. How now, huswife? whither gad you? BEL. A nutting, forsooth.—How do you, gaffer?—how do you, gaffer?—there’s a French curtsey for you too. FLU. ’Tis Bellafront! PIO. ’Tis the punk, by th’ lord! DUKE. Father, what’s she, I pray? AN. As yet I know not: She came in but[235] this day; talks little idly, And therefore has the freedom of the house. BEL. Do not you know me?—nor you?—nor you?—nor you? ALL. No, indeed. BEL. Then you are an ass—and you are an ass—and you are an ass; for I know you. AN. Why, what are they? come, tell me, what are they? BEL. They’re fish-wives: will you buy any gudgeons? God’s-santy,[236] yonder come friars! I know them too.—

_Re-enter_ HIPPOLITO, MATHEO, _and_ INFELICE, _disguised as friars_.

How do you, friar? AN. Nay, nay, away; you must not trouble friars.— The duke is here, speak nothing. BEL. Nay, indeed, you shall not go; we’ll run at barley-break[237] first, and you shall be in hell. MAT. My punk turn’d mad whore, as all her fellows are! HIP. Speak nothing; but steal hence when you spy time. AN. I’ll lock you up, if you’re unruly: fie! BEL. Fie? marry, foh! they shall not go, indeed, till I ha’ told 'em their fortunes. DUKE. Good father, give her leave. BEL. Ay, pray, good father, and I’ll give you my blessing. AN. Well, then, be brief; but if you’re thus unruly, I’ll have you lock’d up fast. PIO. Come, to their fortunes. BEL. Let me see; one, two, three, and four. I’ll begin with the little friar[238] first. Here’s a fine hand indeed! I never saw friar have such a dainty hand: here’s a hand for a lady! Here’s your fortune: You love a friar better than a nun; Yet long you’ll love no friar nor no friar’s son. Bow a little: The line of life is out; yet, I’m afraid, For all you’re holy, you’ll not die a maid. God give you joy!— Now to you, friar Tuck.[239] MAT. God send me good luck! BEL. You love one, and one loves you; You’re a false knave, and she’s a Jew. Here is a dial that false ever goes—— MAT. O, your wit drops. BEL. Troth, so does your nose.— Nay, let’s shake hands with you too; pray, open: here’s a fine hand! Ho, friar, ho! God be here! So he had need; you’ll keep good cheer. Here’s a free table,[240] but a frozen breast, For you’ll starve those that love you best; Yet you’ve good fortune, for if I’m no liar, Then you’re no friar, nor you, nor you, no friar. Haha, haha! [_Discovers them._ DUKE. Are holy habits cloaks for villany? Draw all your weapons! HIP. Do; draw all your weapons! DUKE. Where are your weapons? draw! CAS. } The friar has gull’d us of ’em. PIO., _&c._ } MAT. O rare trick! You ha’ learnt one mad point of arithmetic. HIP. Why swells your spleen so high? against what bosom Would you your weapons draw? her’s? ’tis your daughter’s; Mine? ’tis your son’s. DUKE. Son? MAT. Son, by yonder sun! HIP. You cannot shed blood here but ’tis your own; To spill your own blood were damnation. Lay smooth that wrinkled brow, and I will throw Myself beneath your feet: Let it be rugged still and flinted o’er, What can come forth but sparkles, that will burn Yourself and us? She’s mine; my claim’s most good; She’s mine by marriage, though she’s yours by blood. AN. [_kneeling_] I have a hand,[241] dear lord, deep in this act, For I foresaw this storm, yet willingly Put forth to meet it. Oft have I seen a father Washing the wounds of his dear son in tears, A son to curse the sword that struck his father, Both slain i’ th’ quarrel of your families. Those scars are now ta’en off; and I beseech you To seal our pardon! All was to this end, To turn the ancient hates of your two houses To fresh green friendship, that your loves might look Like the spring’s forehead, comfortably sweet, And your vex’d souls in peaceful union meet. Their blood will now be yours, yours will be theirs, And happiness shall crown your silver hairs. FLU. You see, my lord, there’s now no remedy. CAS. } Beseech your lordship! PIO., _&c._ } DUKE. You beseech fair; you have me in place fit To bridle me.—Rise, friar; you may be glad You can make mad men tame, and tame men mad. Since fate hath conquer’d, I must rest content; To strive now would but add new punishment. I yield unto your happiness; be blest; Our families shall henceforth breathe in rest. ALL. O happy change! DUKE. Yours now is my content;[242] I throw upon your joys my full consent. BEL. Am not I a good girl for finding the friar in the well? God’s-so, you are a brave man! will not you buy me some sugar-plumbs, because I am so good a fortune-teller? DUKE. Would thou hadst wit, thou pretty soul, to ask, As I have will to give! BEL. Pretty soul? a pretty soul is better than a pretty body.—Do not you know my pretty soul? I know you: is not your name Matheo? MAT. Yes, lamb. BEL. Baa, lamb! there you lie, for I am mutton.[243]— Look, fine man! he was mad for me once, and I was mad for him once, and he was mad for her once; and were you never mad? yes, I warrant. I had a fine jewel once, a very fine jewel, and that naughty man stole it away from me,—a very fine jewel. DUKE. What jewel, pretty maid? BEL. Maid? nay, that’s a lie. O, ’twas a very rich jewel, called a maidenhead! and had not you it, leerer? MAT. Out, you mad ass, away! DUKE. Had he thy maidenhead? He shall make thee amends, and marry thee. BEL. Shall he? O brave Arthur of Bradley then![244] DUKE. And if he bear the mind of a gentleman, I know he will. MAT. I think I rifled her of some such paltry jewel. DUKE. Did you? then marry her; you see the wrong Has led her spirits into a lunacy. MAT. How? marry her, my lord? ’sfoot, marry a mad woman! let a man get the tamest wife he can come by, she’ll be mad enough afterward, do what he can. DUKE. Nay, then, father Anselmo here shall do his best To bring her to her wits: and will you then? MAT. I cannot tell: I may choose. DUKE. Nay, then, law shall compel: I tell you, sir, So much her hard fate moves me, you should not breathe Under this air, unless you married her. MAT. Well, then, when her wits stand in their right place, I’ll marry her. BEL. I thank your grace.—Matheo, thou art mine. I am not mad, but put on this disguise Only for you, my lord; for you can tell Much wonder of me: but you are gone; farewell. Matheo, thou didst first turn my soul black, Now make it white again. I do protest, I’m pure as fire now, chaste as Cynthia’s breast. HIP. I durst be sworn, Matheo, she’s indeed. MAT. Cony-catch’d![245] gull’d! must I sail in your fly-boat Because I help’d to rear your mainmast first? Plague ’found[246] you for’t! ’Tis well; The cuckold’s stamp goes current in all nations; Some men have horns given them at their creations; If I be one of those, why, so, it’s better To take a common wench, and make her good, Than one that simpers, and at first will scarce Be tempted forth over the threshold door, Yet in one se’nnight, zounds, turns arrant whore. Come, wench, thou shalt be mine; give me thy golls,[247] We’ll talk of legs hereafter.—See, my lord! God give us joy! ALL. God give you joy!

_Enter_ VIOLA _and_ GEORGE.

GEO. Come, mistress, we are in Bedlam now; mass, and see, we come in pudding-time, for here’s the duke. VIO. My husband, good my lord! DUKE. Have I thy husband? CAS. It’s Candido, my lord; he’s here among the lunatics.—Father Anselmo, pray, fetch him forth. [_Exit_ ANSELMO.]—This mad woman is his wife; and though she were not with child, yet did she long most spitefully to have her husband mad; and because she would be sure he should turn Jew, she placed him here in Bethlem. Yonder he comes!

_Re-enter_ ANSELMO _with_ CANDIDO.