Part 8
Why are deep sighs like long stockings? Heigh-ho's (high hose).
What occupation is the sun? A tanner.
Why are your eyes like stage horses? They are always under lashes.
Why are your teeth like verbs? Regular, irregular and defective?
What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music.
What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? Expediency (X P D N C).
Why should red-headed men be chosen for soldiers? They carry fire-locks.
Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the sea (C).
Why is a theological student like a merchant? Both study the Prophets (profits).
If the alphabet were invited out to dine what time would U, V, W, X, Y and Z go? After tea (T).
How can you take one from nineteen and leave twenty? XIX--XX
LAST WORDS OF FAMOUS MEN AND WOMEN.
"'Tis well."--George Washington.
"Tete d'armee."--Napoleon.
"I thank God that I have done my duty."--Admiral Nelson.
"I pray thee see me safe up, but for my coming down I can shift for myself," were the last words of Sir Thomas More when ascending the scaffold.
"God bless you."--Dr. Johnson.
"I have finished."--Hogarth.
"Dying, dying."--Thos. Hood.
"Drop the curtain, the farce is played out."--Rabelais.
"I am what I am. I am what I am."--Swift.
"I still live."--Daniel Webster.
"How grand these rays. They seem to beckon earth to heaven."--Humboldt.
"It is now time that we depart--I to die, you to live: but which is the better destination is unknown."--Socrates.
"Adieu, my dear Morand, I am dying."--Voltaire.
"My beautiful flowers, my lovely flowers."--Richter.
"James, take good care of the horse."--Winfield Scott.
"Many things are becoming clearer to me."--Schiller.
"I feel the daisies growing over me."--John Keats.
"What, is there no bribing death?"--Cardinal Beaufort.
"Taking a leap in the dark. O, mystery."--Thomas Paine.
"There is not a drop of blood on my hands."'--Frederick V.
"I am taking a fearful leap in the dark."--Thomas Hobbes.
"Don't let that awkward squad fire over my grave."--Burns.
"Here, veteran, if you think it right, strike."--Cicero.
"My days are past as a shadow that returns not."--R. Hooker.
"I thought that dying had been more difficult,"--Louis XIV.
"O Lord, forgive me specially my sins of omission."--Usher.
"Let me die to the sounds of delicious music."--Mirabeau.
"It is small, very small," alluding to her neck.--Anna Boleyn.
"Let me hear those notes so long my solace and delight."--Mozart.
"We are as near heaven by sea as by land,"--Sir Humphrey Gilbert.
"I do not sleep. I wish to meet death awake."--Maria Theresa.
"I resign my soul to God; my daughter to my country."--Jefferson.
TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS
Merit to gain a heart, and sense to keep it.
Money to him that has spirit to use it.
More friends and less need of them.
May those who deceive us be always deceived.
May the sword of justice be swayed by the hand of mercy.
May the brow of the brave never want a wreath of laurel.
May we be slaves to nothing but our duty, and friends to nothing but real merit.
May he that turns his back on his friend, fall into the hands of his enemy.
May honor be the commander when love takes the field.
May reason guide the helm when passion blows the gale.
May those who would enslave become slaves themselves.
May genius and merit never want a friend.
May the road of happiness be lighted by virtue.
May life last as long as it is worth wearing.
May we never murmur without a cause, and never have a cause to murmur.
May the eye that drops for the misfortunes of others never shed a tear for its own.
May the lovers of the fair sex never want means to support and spirit to defend them. May the tear of misery be dried by the hand of commiseration.
May the voyage of life end in the haven of happiness.
Provision to the unprovided.
Peace and honest friendship with all nations; entangling alliances with none.
Riches to the generous, and power to the merciful.
Short shoes and long corns to the enemies of freedom.
Success to the lover, and joy to the beloved.
The life we love, with whom we love.
The friend we love, and the woman we dare trust.
The union of two fond hearts.
The lovers of honor, and honorable lovers.
The unity of hearts in the union of hands.
The liberty of the press without licentiousness.
The virtuous fair, and the fair virtuous.
The road to honor through the plains of virtue.
The hero of Saratoga--may his memory animate the breast of every American.
The American's triumvirate, love, honor and liberty.
The memory of Washington.
May the example of the new world regenerate the old.
Wit without virulence, wine without excess, and wisdom without affectation.
What charms, arms and disarms.
Home pleasant, and our friends at home.
Woman--She needs no eulogy, she speaks for herself.
Friendship--May its lamp ever be supplied by the oil of truth and fidelity.
The American Navy--May it ever sail on the sea of glory.
May those who are discontented with their own country leave their country for their country's good.
Discretion in speech is more than eloquence. May we always remember these three things: The manner, the place and the time.
Here's a sigh to those who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And whatever sky's above me, Here's a heart for every fate. Were't the last drop in the well, As I gasped upon the brink, Ere my fainting spirit fell, 'Tis to thee that I would drink. --Byron.
Caddy's Toast in "Erminie"--'Ere's to the 'ealth o' your Royal 'Ighness; hand may the skin o' ha gooseberry be big enough for han humbrella to cover hall your enemies."
Here's to the girl I love, And here's to the girl who loves me, And here's to all that love her whom I love, And all those that love her who love me.
I will drink to the woman who wrought my woe, In the diamond morning of long ago; To the splendor, caught from Orient skies, That thrilled in the dark of her hazel eyes, Her large eyes filled with the fire of the south, And the dewy wine of her warm red mouth. --Winter.
May those that are single get wives to their mind, And those that are married true happiness find.
Here's a health to me and mine, Not forgetting thee and thine; And when thou and thine Come to see me and mine, May we and mine make thee and thine As welcome as thou and thine Have ever made me and mine.
Industry.--The right hand of fortune, the grave of care, and the cradle of content.
Here's to the prettiest, Here's to the wittiest, Here's to the truest of all who are true. Here's to the sweetest one, Here's to them all in one--here's to you.
Our Country.--May she always be in the right--but, right or wrong, Our Country.-- Stephen Decatur.
Here's to our sweethearts and our wives. May our sweethearts soon become our wives and our wives ever remain our sweethearts.
Here's to the girls of the American shore; I love but one, I love no mare. Since she's not here to drink her part, I drink her share with all my heart.
Here's to one and only one, And may that one be she Who loves but one and only one, And may that one be me.
A glass is good and a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather. The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together.
Yesterday's yesterday while to-day's here, To-day is to-day till to-morrow appear, To-marrow's to-morrow until to-day's past, And kisses are kisses as long as they last.
Our Country.-- To her we drink, for her we pray, Our voices silent never; For her we'll fight, come what may; The Stars and Stripes forever.
Woman.--The fairest work of the great Author; the edition is large, and no man should be without a copy.
Drink to me only with thine eyes, And I will pledge thee mine; Or leave a kiss within the cup, And I'll not look for wine. The thirst that from the soul doth rise Doth ask a drink divine; But might I of Jove's nectar sip, I would not change from thine. --Ben Jonson.
Drink to-day and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do't to-morrow; Best while you have it, use your breath; There is no drinking after death. --Beaumont and Fletcher.
Home.--The father's kingdom; the child's paradise; the mother's world.
Here's to those I love; Here's to those who love me; Here's to those who love those I love, And here's to those who love those who love those who love me. --Ouida's Favorite Toast.
A little health, a little wealth, A little house and freedom, With some friends for certain ends, But little cause to need 'em.
Here's to the lasses we've loved, my lad, Here's to the lips we've pressed; For of kisses and lasses, Like liquor in glasses, The last is always the best.
Come in the evening, come in the morning, Come when you're looked for, come without warning.
Here's to a long life and a merry one, A quick death and an easy one, A pretty girl and a true one, A cold bottle and another one.
The Man We Love.--He who thinks the most and speaks the least ill of his neighbor.
False Friends.--May we never have friends who, like shadows, keep close to us in the sunshine only to desert us on a cloudy day or in the night.
Here's to those who'd love us if we only cared. Here's to those we'd love if we only dared.
Here's to one another and one other, whoever he or she may be.
The world is filled with flowers, And flowers are filled with dew, And dew is filled with love And you and you and you.
Here's to you as good as you are, And to me as bad as I am; And as good as you are and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are as bad as I am.
The Law.--The only thing certain about litigation is its uncertainty.
The Lawyer--Learned gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself.
A Spreadeagle Toast.--The boundaries of our country: East, by the rising sun; north, by the north pole; west by all creation; and south, by the day of judgment.
When going up the bill of prosperity may you never meet a friend coming down.
May the hinges of friendship never grow rusty.
Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature, if it be well used.--Shakespeare.
Shall I ask the brave soldier who fights by my side in the cause of mankind whether our creeds agree?
May all single men be married, and all married men be happy.
Our Country's Emblem:-- The lily of France may fade, The thistle and shamrock wither, The oak of England may decay, But the stars shine on forever.
The Good Things of the World.--Parsons are preaching for them, lawyers are pleading for them, physicians are prescribing for them, authors are writing for them, soldiers are fighting for them, but true philosophers alone are enjoying them.
My life has been like sunny skies When they are fair to view; But there never yet were lives or skies Clouds might not wander through.
The Three Great American Generals.--General Peace, General Prosperity and General Satisfaction.
America.-- Our hearts, our hopes are all with thee, Our hearts, our hopes, our prayers, our tears, Our faith triumphant o'er our fears, Are all with thee, are all with thee.
Our National Birds.--The American Eagle, the Thanksgiving Turkey: may one give us peace in all our States--and the other a piece for all our plates.
OPPORTUNITY.
Master of human destinies am I. Fame, Love and Fortune on my footsteps wait. Cities and fields I walk; I penetrate Deserts and seas remote, and, passing by Hovel, and mart, and palace, soon or late I knock unbidden once at every gate! If sleeping, wake--if feasting, rise before I turn away. It is the hour of fate, And they who follow me reach every state Mortals desire, and conquer every foe Condemned to failure, penury, and woe. Save death; but those who doubt or hesitate, Seek me in vain and uselessly implore: I answer not, and I return no more. --John J. Ingalls.
A health to Our Dearest.--May their purses always be heavy and their hearts always light.
An Irishman's Toast.-- Here's to the land of the shamrock so green, Here's to each lad and his darling colleen, Here's to the ones we love dearest and most. And may God save old Ireland--that's an Irishman's toast.
Here's a health to the future, A sigh for the past. We can love and remember, And hope to the last, And for all the base lies That the almanacs hold. While there's love in the heart, We can never grow old.
Some hae meat and canna' eat, And some wad eat who want it; But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit. --Burns.
A little health, a little wealth, A little house and freedom, With some few friends for certain ends, But little cause to need 'em.
If I were a raindrop and you a leaf, I would burst from the cloud above you, And lie on your breast in a rapture of rest, And love you--love you--love you.
If I were a brown bee and you were a rose, I would fly to you, love, nor miss you; I would sip and sip from your nectared lip, And kiss you--kiss you--kiss you. --Ella Wheeler Wilcox, in Three Women.
Strange--is it not?--that of the myriads who Before us passed the door of darkness through, Not one returns to tell us of the road, Which to discover, we must travel too? --Omar.
Away with the flimsy idea that life with a past is attended. There's now--only now--and no past. There's never a past; it has ended. Away with the obsolete story and all of its yesterday sorrow! There's only Today, almost gone, and in front of Today stands Tomorrow. --Eugene Ware.
God made man Frail as a bubble; God made Love, Love made trouble; God made the vine; Was it a sin That man made wine To drown trouble in?
"My character may be my own, but my reputation belongs to any old body that enjoys gossiping more than telling the truth."
May your joy be as deep as the ocean, Your trouble as light as its foam.
The man that has no music in himself, Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds, Is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils; The motions of his spirit are dull as night, And his affections dark as Erebus. Let no such man be trusted. Mark the music. --Shakespeare.
See the mountains kiss high heaven, And the waves clasp one another; No sister flower would be forgiven If it disdained its brother; And the sunlight clasps the earth, And the moonbeams kiss the sea; What are all these kissings worth, If thou kiss not me? --Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Jest a-wearyin' for you, All the time a-feelin' blue; Wishin' for you, wonderin' when You'll be comin' home again; Restless--don't know what to do-- Jest a-wearyin' for you. --Frank Stanton.
Here's to Love, the worker of miracles. He strengthens the weak and weakens the strong; he turns wise men into fools and fools into wise men; he feeds the passions and destroys reason, and plays havoc among young and old! --Marguerite de Valois.
"Good Bye, God Bless You."
I like the Anglo--Saxon speech With its direct revealings; It takes a hold, and seems to reach Way down into our feelings That Some folks deem it rude, I know, And therefore they abuse it; But I have never found it so-- Before all else I choose it. I don't object that men should air The Gallic they have paid for, With "Au revoir," "Adieu, ma chere," For that's what French was made for. But when a crony takes your hand At parting to address you, He drops all foreign lingo and He says, "Good--bye, God bless you." --Eugene Field.
LANGUAGE OF PRECIOUS STONES.
The ancients attributed marvelous properties to many of the precious stones. We give in tabular form the different months and the stones sacred to them, as generally accepted, with their respective meanings. It has been customary among lovers and friends to notice the significance attached to the various stones in making birthday, engagement and wedding presents.
January, Garnet.--Constancy and fidelity in every engagement.
February, Amethyst--Preventive against violent passions.
March, Bloodstone--Courage, wisdom and firmness in affection.
April, Sapphire--Free from enchantment; denotes repentance.
May, Emerald--Discovers false friends, and insures true love.
June, Agate--Insures long life, health and prosperity.
July, Ruby--Discovers poison; corrects evils resulting from mistaken friendship.
August, Sardonyx--Insures conjugal felicity.
September, Chrysolite--Free from all evil passions and sadness of the mind.
October, Opal--Denotes hope, and sharpens the sight and faith of the possessor.
November, Topaz--Fidelity and friendship. Prevents bad dreams.
December, Turquoise--Prosperity in love.
Tiffany's list of birth stones is somewhat different from the above and is given below:
Birth Stones. (As given by Tiffany & Co.)
January--Garnet.
February--Amethyst, hyacinth, pearl.
March--Jasper, bloodstone.
April--Diamond, sapphire.
May--Emerald, agate.
June--Cat's-eye, turquoise, agate.
July--Turquoise, onyx.
August--Sardonyx, carnelian, moonstone, topaz.
September--Chrysolite.
October--Beryl, opal.
November--Topaz, pearl.
December--Ruby, bloodstone.
GRAMMAR-SPELLING-PRONUNCIATION
Five Hundred Common Errors Corrected
Concise Rules for the Proper Use of Words in Writing or Speaking.
The most objectionable errors in speaking or writing are those in which words are employed that are unsuitable to convey the meaning intended. Thus, a person wishing to express his intention of going to a given place says, "I propose going," when, in fact, he purposes going. The following affords an amusing illustration of this class of error: A venerable matron was speaking of her son, who, she said, was quite stage-struck: "In fact," remarked the old lady, "he is going to a premature performance this evening!" Considering that most amateur performances are premature, it cannot be said that this word was altogether misapplied, though, evidently, the maternal intention was to convey quite another meaning.
Other errors arise from the substitution of sounds similar to the words which should be employed; that is, spurious words instead of genuine ones. Thus, some people say "renumerative," when they mean "remunerative." A nurse, recommending her mistress to have a perambulator for her child, advised her to purchase a preamputator!
Other errors are occasioned by imperfect knowledge of English grammar; thus, many people say, "Between you and I," instead of "Between you and me." And there are numerous other departures from the rules of grammar, which will be pointed out hereafter.
Misuse of the Adjective--"What beautiful butter!" "What a nice landscape!" They should say, "What a beautiful landscape!" "What nice butter!" Again, errors are frequently occasioned by the following causes:
Mispronunciation of Words--Many persons say pronoun-ciation instead of pronunciation; others say pro-nun-ce-a-shun, instead of pro-nun-she-a-shun.
Misdivision of Words and Syllables--This defect makes the words an ambassador sound like a nambassador, or an adder like a nadder.
Imperfect Enunciation--As when a person says hebben for heaven, ebber for ever, jocholate for chocolate.
To correct these errors by a systematic course of study would involve a closer application than most persons could afford, but the simple and concise rules and hints here given, founded upon usage and the authority of scholars, will be of great assistance to inquirers.
ENGLISH GRAMMAR IN A NUTSHELL.
Who and whom are used in relation to persons, and which in relation to things. But it was once common to say, "the man which." This should now be avoided. It is now usual to say, "Our Father who art in heaven," instead of "which art in heaven."
Whose is, however, sometimes applied to things as well as to persons. We may therefore say, "The country whose inhabitants are free."
Thou is employed in solemn discourse, and you in common language. Ye (plural) is also used in serious addresses, and you in familiar language.
The uses of the word it are various, and very perplexing to the uneducated. It is not only used to imply persons, but things, and even ideas, and therefore in speaking or writing, its assistance is constantly required. The perplexity respecting this word arises from the fact that in using it in the construction of a long sentence, sufficient care is not taken to insure that when it is employed it really points out or refers to the object intended. For instance, "It was raining when John set out in his cart to go to market, and he was delayed so long that it was over before he arrived." Now what is to be understood by this sentence: Was the rain over? or the market? Either or both might be inferred from the construction of the sentence, which, therefore, should be written thus: "It was raining when John set out in his cart to go to market, and he was delayed so long that the market was over before he arrived."
Rule--After writing a sentence always look through it, and see that wherever the word it is employed, it refers to or carries the mind back to the object which it is intended to point out.
The general distinction between this and that may be thus defined: this denotes an object present or near, in time or place; that something which is absent.
These refers, in the same manner, to present objects, while those refers to things that are remote.
Who changes, under certain conditions, into whose and whom; but that and which always remain the same, with the exception of the possessive case, as noted above.
That may be applied to nouns or subjects of all sorts; as, the girl that went to school, the dog that bit me, the opinion that he entertains.
The misuse of these pronouns gives rise to more errors in speaking and writing than any other cause.
When you wish to distinguish between two or more persons, say: "Which is the happy man?" not who--"Which of those ladies to you admire?"
Instead of "Whom do you think him to be?" say, "Who do you think him to be?"
Whom should I see.
To whom do you speak?
Who said so?
Who gave it to you?
Of whom did you procure them?
Who was he?
Who do men say that I am?
Self should never be added to his, their, mine or thine.
Each is used to denote every individual of a number.
Every denotes all the individuals of a number.
Either and or denote an alternative: "I will take either road, at your pleasure;" "I will take this or that."
Neither means not either, and nor means not the other. Either is sometimes used for each--"Two thieves were crucified, on either side one."
"Let each esteem others as good as themselves," should be, "Let each esteem others as good as himself."
"There are bodies each of which are so small," should be, "each of which is so small."
Do not use double superlatives, such as most straightest, most highest, most finest.
The term worser has gone out of use; but lesser is stilt retained.
The use of such words as chiefest, extreamest, etc., has become obsolete, because they do not give any superior force to the meanings of the primary words, chief, extreme, etc.