Part 2

As I was begot, conceived and born in a most extraordinary manner, so it will appear in the course of my life, that my adventures, even in abstract, as I shall relate them, have been equally amazing. My mother was treacherously deluded by an opiate infused into a glass of wine, when she had the good or ill-fortune (I know not which) of being debauched in her sleep by her master, the husband of a woman of quality with whom she lived; I was the result of this piece of treachery; nor did my mother give the least intimations of her discovering this foul practice, though she on awaking, could not but perceive the alteration from that of a maid, to that of a woman. When she had got rid of me in the most private manner, (for she left her lady, when the signs of pregnancy appeared) she took me wrapt up in a basket, and going to a publick house in _Piccadilly_, she called for a gill of wine, drank it, and leaving a guinea to be changed, she went out and was seen no more, but she left me in her stead, thinking me and the guinea, a tolerable bargain for a gill of wine, nor had I remained there long, before I made my host of the tavern, sensible, that he had got a new guest; as I was a fine boy, and he had no child, he put me out to nurse, resolving to adopt me as his own, since I was a _comeby_-chance, and since he thought it cruel not to give the same reception to a human creature, as is given commonly to a Cat or a Dog, and tho’ I did not come of my own accord, like a Cat, or a Dog, yet was I brought, and could not be supposed to intrude myself, as those creatures do, when they have lost their masters, so he thought me more worthy of a welcome, than either of the above animals. When I was five years old, I was brought home by the nurse, and as they saw I was a promising child of my age, being as lusty and tall, as the waiter, who was twelve, but born a dwarf, I was soon fit to be called to the bar, I improved myself in observations on men, and manners, which I made my study, till about eighteen, I became one of the knowing ones, when I left my supposed father, to join a set of gamblers, where I learnt every thing to qualify me for Bath, the races, or even Ar——r’s. I resolved to leave this life, took the high-road, and bought a fine horse at Newmarket with what money I had won there by betting and cheating, having at one bett won a hundred guineas of the D—— of ——, as I was let into the secret by the riding jocky, who went halves with me for his information. Having equipt myself with every thing necessary for _collecting_, or raising contributions on the road, I met with none who dared oppose me; I robbed three captains of ships, one admiral, two lieutenants of marines, beside what I robbed in common; when I found that all men were naturally cowards, and consequently to be robbed, without resistance, I grew more bold; but what gave me courage but their cowardice, for had they, as they said, strenuously opposed, ’tis ten to one, as I opposed numbers, I should have grown timid, and submitted; but I found it otherwise, and from the discovery, met with success; I then ventured upon the continental gentlemen; but them I found worse in the article of courage, than the maritime; a lieutenant crossed me, and I thought verily, he had the same intent on me, that I had on him; I put my hand to the holsters, and stood bravely for him, but he with as much intrepidity delivered me his purse, before I had actually demanded it: Actuated by this hero’s valour, I persuaded myself that all men were cowards, and, I consequently determined to _frighten_ them all, since I found, they were to be _frightened_. Here the narrative was interrupted by a loud report of six or seven female Voices, that Mrs. _Clotilda Skinflint_, together with her _Bravo_, the old husband had entered the goal, to demand the body of Tom, to be re-delivered to them, upon which re-delivery, she was willing to pay all costs and damages, which by this time amounted to no less than three shillings, exclusive of garnish. And so ends this chapter, when the affairs of _Tom the Cat_, shall seem more desirable by the reader, than those of _Tom the Traveller_.

CHAP. VIII.

_The reception Mrs._ Clotilda Skinflint _met with in the prison, together with that of her adventurous loving spouse_.

The turnkey no sooner had admitted Mrs. _Clotilda_, and her paramour, than the knowing ones resolved themselves into a committee of the whole house, how to consider ways and means to make Mrs. _Clotilda_ pay through the nose for introducing such an affair to their august tribunal; the _Diet_ had not sat full two minutes, before they all _nem. con._ entered into one unanimous resolution to bring the taylor her lawful and wedded husband into a præmunire; they therefore set up a kind of a Star-Chamber, which they erected, by their own will and power, as _Charles_ did _formerly_ and as _Lewis_ pretends to do _now_, with this Motto, _Sic volo sic jubeo_. In English, _I’ll do as I please_; so laying aside all _privileges_ of the subject, and assuming to themselves, the _royal prerogative_, which they swore should not be infringed; they demanded that the bodies of _Clotilda Skinflint_ late of _Monmouth-Street_, together with that of her lawful sovereign, _Peter Skinflint_, of the Parish of St. _Bride_’s, taylor, should be brought before them, in order to enter into the merits or demerits of the prisoner _Tom_, committed into that prison, by the name of _Tom Filch_, and moreover to demand the committal in writing; which being accordingly done, by the especial messengers, the delinquents were regularly brought to the bar of this solemn inquisition.

We shall disappoint the reader’s curiosity, if he expects a summary detail of this process, because it was carried regularly through the forms of cital, and recital, demur, and every other circumstantial querk of judicatory; only observing, that when Mrs. _Clotilda_, and her party, seeing the _Servant Maid_, with _Tom_ in her arms, did not chuse to traverse the _Indictment_ but submitted to the sentence of the court, which was, that she, the said, _Clotilda_ as she _wore the breeches_, should immediately pay all the fees of _Tom_, besides, his expences for _false imprisonment_, pay the servant maid her due wages, and never more trouble the court, to which she submitted, and paid no less than the sum of seventeen shillings, and four-pence, to the clerk of the court, exclusive of the girl’s wages, in all amounting to one pound thirteen shillings. But unhappily for Mrs. _Clotilda_, the affair did not end here. _Tom the Cat_, had got little or no victuals, since the moment of his false imprisonment, and besides, it was urged by the girl, that the beef-stakes, which he had eaten, were long since digested; therefore it was _unâ voce_ resolved, that they should not be discharged till _Tom_ had also been recompensed with a good meal, in consideration of his long and false imprisonment. Mrs. _Clotilda_ therefore offered one shilling more, to be laid out, as they, the court should determine, which was accordingly, like all other subsidies of charitable uses, appointed for _Tom_’s use, and bread, and cheese was to be his supper, of which he only shared the parings. The lady of the wardrobe having paid down her one pound fourteen shillings, thought that she had paid sufficiently for the releasement of her favourite _Tom_, who in the main had not got one half-penny worth of eating in the bargain, and as historians say, could never account from that time to this, for all this unnecessary expence, and as fruitless confinement; I say, madam _Skinflint_ imagined that the business would end here; but the court thought otherwise, and therefore as the parings of cheese were by that wise _Diet_, thought to be a _diet_, which might very probably occasion _thirst_, they also adjudged that _Tom_ should have something to wash down his victuals, and the verdict in his favour, was that she should pay one shilling, over and above all costs and damages for that balsamic liquor, vulgarly called _Gin_: Which Mrs. _Clotilda_, being addicted to, did not so much regret the payment of, and it was, without hesitation brought in; but we never were informed that _Tom_ shared a drop of it, as it is averred, and that strongly, that a little water was more consentaneous to his choice, of which, when he had drank, like any other good fellow, not considering his present misfortunes, the good-nature of his friends, or the malice of his enemies, he leaped on the table, washed his face, and began a very solemn purr, which pleased the whole company, and forced even the humane Mrs. _Clotilda_ to break out—_Poor_ Tom _have I got you again? Gentlemen did you ever see so fine a creature?_ Thus ended the imprisonment, and release of _Tom_, with which we shall beg leave to end this chapter, as Mrs. _Clotilda_ her husband, and the maid-servant were also included in the discharge, all departing the prison-scene, and going to their respective pillows.

CHAP. IX.

_The surprizing Adventures of Tom Traveller are continued in this Chapter._

The happiest dexterity and the greatest activeness in an author, is to give his reader a specimen of his talents, to introduce a pleasing narrative, and when he has worked up his curiosity to the highest pitch, to leave him in the middle of a most interesting event. This was the peculiar cunning of those famous stories, which go by the name of the Arabian night’s entertainments, which are for that reason divided into a century of nights, each being employed in some very engaging tale. A late celebrated Biographer has followed this ingenious method, and now and then diverts the reader with a curious history, I mean the author of Tom Jones, and Joseph Andrews, in which several other adventures beside that of the hero, are artfully interwoven, which at once displays a delightful variety, feasts the mental appetite with a pleasing desert, which otherwise might be apt to cloy by feeding on one dish, though ever so delicate; for this reason that celebrated writer, entitles the heads of his chapters a bill of fare, which points out to them the ensuing entertainment. We shall not therefore disappoint our reader, but shall, to answer the expectation, which we are sensible we have raised, proceed with the history of _Tom Traveller_, forbidding all compilers whatsoever, to insert, or abstract this unparallel’d history in their future collections of voyages, travels, &c.

_Tom the Cat_, was no sooner gone home with his benevolent Mistress, than _Tom Traveller_, at the importunity of _Hugh_ of the _Borough_, continued his narrative.

My courage encreased, as I said, with my success, and having obliged those terraqueous militants to stand and deliver, I found my purse grow heavy, and believing I had made a competent fortune, I resolved, as _Gibbet_ says in the play, to buy myself a place in the houshold, and live as snug as ’ere a courtier of them all; with this view I was returning to _London_, from _Finchley Common_, which had been my last stage, when a gentleman rode up in a full gallop saying he was pursued by a highwayman, and desired me to accompany him in order to get out of the road. In the confusion I was in, at his mentioning being pursued, I began to fear for myself, and looking back saw two men, riding very fast after us, yet not so fast as to appear in pursuit, however I took the gentleman’s advice, and rode with him full speed, following the course he made which he directed to the right hand, from the high road across the country, when all of a sudden he snatched my reins, and desired me to deliver, or he would blow my brains to the Devil; I had neither time nor presence of mind, to refuse his unreasonable request, and he robbed me of all I had in the world, except twenty pounds I had left with a favourite girl, whom I then kept, after this he rode off, taking my pistols with him, leaving me to reflect on so unexpected an adventure; but I had no opportunity to consider much about it. I had no cash left, and I found myself in possession of no property on the face of the earth, but my horse and clothes, the former of which I was now resolved to sell, and never more venture my life to scrape up riches for other people to enjoy; I saw the hazard, the danger, and the folly in it, and with this determination I pursued my way to _London_, saying with Juvenal, _Cantabit Vacuus Viator_; where I arrived, and having sold my horse, walked to my lodgings, where to my amazement I found the bird flown, and nothing but the nest, and a few scattered feathers left behind. Thus in one day was I deprived of what I had been amassing for several months, to the value of three hundred pounds sterling, one hundred of which I laid out on my mistress in cloaths and equipage. I had cultivated a good acquaintance with several young Gentlemen (strangers to my new way of life) at _Art——rs_, and telling them I had a mind to see the world, made it my request to them to serve me.

CHAP. X.

_Tom Traveller continues his relation._

Having made my desire known to a very worthy young gentleman, he recommended me to a man of fortune who was going to travel; I was very well satisfied to accompany him as his gentleman, for which he allowed me one hundred a year, but oh unspeakable! the very remembrance shocks my imagination, when my worthy friend introduced me, the young gentleman eyeing me closer, and seizing me by the shoulder, swore he knew me, for that I had three weeks before robbed him, of his watch and fifty guineas. My friend was struck with amazement, and I with horror. I was speechless, my paleness confessed my guilt, which when I recovered myself, I imputed to the sudden surprize of my being accused of a crime which never had entered into my thoughts. Enraged at the denial, he said I was an infamous lying villain, and struck me, which made my nose spout out with blood. My friend told him calmly, he might be mistaken in faces, but he insisted on his perfect knowledge of my person, and said he could safely swear to my identity; while I was stopping the blood, which flowed in streams about the room, he explained the particulars of this robbery to my friend; urging that I was not satisfied with his money but would have his watch, which more incensed him than the loss of the money. Sir, said he, I am sorry to find that you could have any connections with such a fellow, but more so to recommend a robber to be my servant. _When he had won my money_, said he,—at these words it is inexpressible to describe the tide of rapture, that flowed upon my affrighted, my terrified soul; such is a reprieve to a condemned wretch in sight of the place of execution. He proceeded,—when he had won my money, he baited me with all the tricks and insinuations of a common gambler, and seeing my watch said, if I would stake that he would venture twice the money it was worth; so unequal a hazard took me in, and I thought I possibly might win all again; he won it and left me abruptly, when he went out, another person came in, of my acquaintance, who seeing me in some confusion asked me the reason, which I instantly told him; nay said my acquaintance, if you keep company with known gamblers, how can you expect better? I replyed, I did not know him to be such, or should have avoided him. This, Sir, is the case, I never saw this fellow since, and now I have secured him by this accident, I’ll send him to Newgate to be made an example of, my friend remonstrated in my favour, that he had known me for a long time, and never knew me to bear any such character, that what the person who came in said might be out of pique, that he did not pretend to be my advocate in a cause, wherein I might possibly be innocent; but that his stirring in such an affair might hurt reputation on both sides. I then spoke for myself, assuring him I had ever played on the square, and that my playing three times the worth against a bauble of a watch was an evident proof of it, since I might lose even with pack’d cards, that I very well knew the gentleman who came in, who owed me a grudge for the same reason, my winning his money; that though losers have a right to speak, they have no right to defame, that it was a common thing for those who lose by gaming to think with prejudice to the winner; that a gambler was not my known character; that it was dangerous to attack a man’s reputation without good proof, and that his proof would never stand good before an equitable magistrate, for that it was impossible for that person, or any other to prove that I had pack’d the cards, that time or any other; that a blow from a strange man, nay from any man, was an unaccountable outrage, and that though I was reduced by a train of misfortunes, to such a pitch as to apply for service, yet that I was far from deserving such ill usage, in the attack on my person, on the one hand, and on my reputation on the other. He heard all this with patience and only replyed, damn him, let him begone, I shall get nothing by suing a beggar; I was glad to take his advice, so taking my leave of my own friend I left the place, and you may be assured, fellow-prisoners, with abundance of alacrity,—for I thought of one thing and he of another,—I thought of the gallows, which I knew I deserved, though not from him, and he only thought of a bite. This affair made me more cautious of getting myself recommended to any man, but what could I do without money, all I had to do was to apply to my reputed father, which I did on the instant, not without apprehension of being known by some of his customers, who frequented the house, I went at night, and was received like the prodigal son, with this difference, that I neither wanted the best robe, a ring on my finger, or the fatted calf,—my exigence was of quite another nature; I wanted the _universal pass_, and I did not well know how to ask it; however I told him of my resolution to travel, if I had his permission, which if I gained, I knew the needful would not be wanting. I was happy enough to prevail, he complied, and after a fond parting and a great deal of good advice he gave me twenty guineas, little knowing that I had been used to larger sums. He then went with me himself to his wine merchant, who dealt largely at the Mediterranean, for which place a ship lay ready. I thought I should never get safe out of the kingdom, but setting sail we soon arrived at Leghorn. I had letters of credit, for small sums to be given me by gales as I called for them, and taking a lodging at a Cabaretto, and some refreshment, I went to bed, where I slept serenely, as I slept secure from all the terrors which had long banished the sweet and healing deity from my eyes.

CHAP. XI.

_Conclusion of the life of_ Tom Traveller.