Part 4

We shall give the reader a concise, and more entertaining chapter on the charms and morals of _Dolly Tinder_, daughter of an eminent lamp-lighter of this metropolis. Her mother was as famous in her branch of business, being a very substantial linen-draper, (as the Welch collier says in the recruiting officer of his wife, poor Mary ——) it being this matrons business to gather rags for the paper mills. Thus born of mean but honest parents, _Dolly_, who, as she grew up, was a jolly bucksom wench, seemed cut out for servitude, and to this she applied herself with indefatigable industry; but unhappily for her among the other places in which she had lived, she was in the sixteenth year of her age, in the employ of a warfinger, in the regions of _Black Fryars_, here it was that she contracted an acquaintance with the water-men, and an amour with one of the lads of the skullers. Many were the voyages she made on the Thames, with her lover, who always refused the least fee, or gratuity for his beloved mistress, as he had reason to expect, she would pay him the fare in another coin. Neither did she prove ungrateful, or unfavourable to his wishes; for before she was in her seventeenth year, she found her stays grow narrower, and narrower, so as not to be able to contain that waist, so often commended for it’s taper symmetry; when those evident marks of her pregnancy appeared, she quitted her mother’s house, and fled for refuge to that of her mother-in-law, who received her as the wife of her son, and she was brought to bed of a chopping boy, which, when she was well, was by general consent, carried by the good old matron to the foundling hospital, and there deposited; whether he is as yet received into the marine society, we cannot be assured, but being begot under _Aquarius_, he may probably one day become an able commander at sea, and be an honour to the element from whence he sprung. The waterman her lover, like his native river, was like all other lovers, liable to inconstancy, so he soon manifested his neglect by a very cold indifference, and once by a severe beating. She was not behind hand with him, for she revenged the insult by immediately throwing herself into the element of _Fire_, and took up with a glass-man. Thus she became again connected to her own family affinities, since her lover had a near correspondence with the occupation of her father,—_Glass_ and _Fire_. As she had lived so long among the _Pleiades_, she now removed her quarters to the hotter constellations, and since her Aquarius with his buckets, was unwilling any longer to quench that flame which he had lighted up in her bosom, she resolved to repel _heat_ by _heat_, choosing her residence under the sultry influence of _Sirius_, the Dog-star; by him she had, during the succession of ten years, a litter of whelps, most of which fell to the lot of the above repository, which as the grave receives the _forlorn dead_, is appointed to receive the _forlorn living_. After so long a cohabitation, and a visible decline in her charms, from incessant child-bearing, it is no wonder if the Glass man, burnt up with the flames of coals, and the flames of love, was now burnt to a cinder, which indeed he was in a metaphorical sense, for he died of a decay, and left her a widow to the wide world, and forlorn-hope.—But _Dolly_ was not so very much fallen into the vale of years, being now twenty-eight, but she retained some reliques of her former beauty, and one day as she was walking across the Temple courts, an old gentleman of the Middle Temple became enamoured of her, and giving her the keys of his chambers, was soon admitted to her embraces, though not to his affections, for she was of too liberal a nature to refuse the repeated sollicitations of several young Templers, with whom she lived successively, being nevertheless constant to each of her paramours, during her legal administration among them. By their bounty, she became possessed of ten pounds, which she generously bestowed on an eminent chimney-sweeper, being unwilling to quit the precincts of her favourite element the _fire_, of which she had so much in her constitution, that some say, she was troubled with Messalina’s failing: But with this Vulcan she did not chuse to live long, being tired of his sooty embraces; she accordingly robbed him, and fled to the Borough, where she actually, and for the first time married a chairman; but thinking this condition of life too humble, she aspired to the coach-box, and having eloped from the Christian beast of burthen, she lived with Automedon, and afterwards entered into the constellation of Auriga, by going into the arms of a waggoner, till at length tired with a variety of lovers, she prudently resolved to turn oyster-woman, and live independant of that monster man, so far as her warm complexion would admit her. She soon grew weary of this occupation of life, and lived with a _Jew_, an old clothes-man, by whose itinerations through Monmouth-street, she became acquainted with her late mistress, and entered into her service much about the æra of our _feline_ history. The other part of _Dolly_’s history the reader has been informed of, and therefore we shall resume the more respectable annals of our Hero.

CHAP. XV.

Tom _is bound apprentice to a dancing master. His great progress in that genteel Science: His adventures with the Monkeys._

_Dolly_ his new mistress, had lately applied to a register office, where for a shilling paid in hand, a small capital, it is possible to procure the interest of four or five pounds a year. A most wise institution, or rather discovery of some sagacious æconomical personage, who might have made an immense fortune by his invention, had not his envious brethren pyrated him to the great disgrace of government, and discouragement of genius, as well as arts and sciences: Pity it is, that this prudent politician, had not been at the expence of purchasing a patent, to ensure to himself the profits of so great a discovery.

One of these learned Gentlemen, had obtained a place for _Dolly_, who paid the other perquisites, due on being put into possession; I think it is a shilling in the pound, proportionable to the wages; so that if the wages be five pounds, the proprietor of this new acquisition, whether place-man, or place-woman, shall receive no more than nineteen shillings of his, or her quarter’s wages; so that if one of these place-mongers shall procure one hundred such places, in one quarter, (which is but a low computation) he shall receive the gratuity of thirty pounds for his pains, without advancing a farthing capital; how high must then this reasonable profit arise, when the wages or sallaries amount to ten or twenty pounds a year? and yet this lucrative employment is of _modern_ discovery, to the great scandal of our forefathers, who as in the discovery of other arts, and sciences, supinely slept, and never dreamed of such golden advantages. _Dolly_ on going to her new place, was sorely perplexed, what to do with her favourite _Tom_; next to money or man’s flesh, she loved _Tom_, and as the former seemed the more feasible exchange, she pitched upon it as the more eligible; among her _Jew_ acquaintance, during her residence with the _circumcised_ cast off clothes-man, she had recollected her intimate connections, with a young German of the synagogue, on whom she bestowed some singular marks of her affection: He had for several seasons frequented _Bartholomew_ fair, and the _Borough_, and was proprietor of several foreign beasts, as monkies, man-tygers, and others of the minute kind, whom he trained up to his own band, beneath the discipline of the whip and bell, and taught them a thousand feats of activity, and cunning, by means of the very same doctrine which _Richlieu_, the French general, devised to conquer the stubborn _English_ at the intended invasion, and conquest of _England_, viz. _Fear_ and _Hunger_, but which he admirably improved into the sanguinary tenets of downright murder in cold blood, a tenet, worthy the general of a _most Christian King_.

To this _German_, of the _Hebrew_ race, she instantly applied and sold poor _Tom_, under the foster name of apprenticeship to this tyrant king of the _Singeric_ order; if the _Scots_ sold their king for a groat, and _Judas_ his master for thirty silver pennys, how more barbarous in her to sell her favourite, and fellow-servant for an old cast cardinal, to adorn her for her introduction to her new place; but so she did, and poor _Tom_’s indentures were made over a pot of porter, to the disgrace of humanity, much more of female tenderness, in this _black_ deed exceeding the cruelty of Ynkle, who sold his mistress Yarico for an inconsiderable sum. How could she wear this _black_ robe, which every day threw in her face the _blackness_ of her guilt and ingratitude; if she could not recollect the many gambols of his infancy, and the sweeter endearments of his more advanced and adult age, if she could forget the many songs with which he entertained her, both at meals, at work, and in bed, where he often purred her to sleep; sure she ought to think of her fellow-sufferer, and fellow-servant with more compassion than to deliver him into the hands of a savage, among savages, under whose intolerable cruelty he must endure many and severe stripes, beside the accumulated hardships of confinement, and starving.—Unhappy _Tom_! better had it been for thee, ere thy eyes were opened, to have shared the fate of thy brethren and sisters, long since past the sense and feeling of their sufferings.

But we will not dwell longer on so mournful a subject, an event, in itself, of so tragic a nature, as may extort tears from many of our compassionate readers.

The first letter of salutation _Tom_ was taught by his dancing master, was to leap thro’ a hoop, but as he was some months before learnt to leap over the stick by his young school-fellows, he easily went thro’ this exercitation to the no small surprize of his master, who yet imputed this first step to _Tom_’s natural genius; and therefore promised himself all success imaginable from so sensible, and so active a creature. Though _Tom_ had in his younger days often described the _diagonal parallelogram_ circle in pursuit of his own tail, round which he had performed as many _revolutions_ in a _day_, as the _Earth_ does round the _Sun_ in a _century_, yet had he never till now made an _horizontal_ line through the _center_ of a circle. He was next tried in the begging attitude, but in this too he excelled all the quadrupeds that ever came within the jurisdiction of this German posture master, so that in his second lesson, he surprized his master as agreeably as before, and actually followed a piece of meat, which was conducted before him, by way of _precedent_, more erect than many of his bipedal fellow-creatures of the more dignified species; his next instruction was to perform the _gradation_ of a perpendicular ladder of ropes; in this he was somewhat awkward, but by degrees, and as it were by _gradation_, he acquitted himself tollerably well for the first time, and was esteemed as an excellent scholar, and his master boasted of his new pupil’s proficiency with more than ordinary elevation of voice and spirit. By de lord, dat made me, says the _German_, dancing-master, me hav one kot, dat vil bring me more monis, in one, two, three monts, dan all my monkies togeder, me wou’d not give him for one guinea, at dis present time, and fen he is made to my hond, me wou’d no give him for ten. Thus the first day passed to the great credit, and entire satisfaction of his master, who threw aside the whip and bell, believing from such a great docility that he should never more have occasion for it with respect to _Tom_, who was notwithstanding tied up to his respective post, with a good strong whip-cord. But as Dalilah bound Sampson with cords, sufficient as she thought to bind him down to his good behaviour, which he broke as a man would flaxed threads, so in vain did the German posture-master tie up _Tom_ who made a shift to knaw the bands asunder, and give himself liberty; but alas! the door was shut, and he found himself to his great mortification, as close a prisoner as ever; so casting about to find a vent-hole for his escape, he searched to no purpose, and seeing a strange groupe of unnatural figures about him, his curiosity led him to approach them, which he did to their no small surprize and terror, and as they spoke to him in an unknown languague, so he found that conversation, which he desired with his fellow-prisoners, cut off; he first came in a gentle manner, and saluted the old baboon with a loud mew, and was answered with a loud chatter, which at first disconcerted him very much, not well knowing whether the noise he made was a signal of friendship, or antipathy; however, as he judged his fellow-prisoner’s heart by his own integrity, he proceeded, and extended his paw, as it were to play with the old gentleman, which the other bit almost to the bone, and had very nigh disabled poor _Tom_ from ever practising another lesson, this rough return to his good-nature so irritated _Tom the Cat_, that he fell upon _Pug the Monkey_’s leathern jaws which he tore in a terrible manner, and then went round with the whole neighbourhood, not daunted even at the man-tyger’s dreadful form, for Tom had such intrepid courage that he would venture upon the Devil himself in his anger, had he been in the shape of any of those creatures, though it were an _armed rhinoceros, or the Hyrcanian tyger_.

The out cry that was set up in the prison, brought the keeper, who judged that some of them had broke loose and fallen upon the rest, but least of all did he judge his favourite _Tom_’s having slipt his collar, but easily guessed how matters went, when he saw the old baboon, the man-tyger, and the other lesser creatures bleeding. He considered what part he should take, or what measures pursue, in so interesting an affair. He rightly believed that _Tom_ must have been the aggressor, as it was consistent to reason so to imagine. He had got a great deal of money, by his old acquaintance the singerical fraternity, and never had handled a penny piece of _Tom_’s gettings, but then he might possibly get a fortune by so extraordinary and so promissing a genius, beside, thought he, the poor fellow, not dreaming any harm might have come too near them, and so have received the first blow, which he owned was provoking to one of _Tom_’s spirit, but when he saw the creature limping up to him, and his fine coat tore in several places he was confirmed in his opinion, that the battle sprung from the malevolent monkeys, whom yet he thought it hard to chastise as they had suffered sufficiently from the enraged fury of our feline hero. He however took up the whip, and bell and brandished over the heads of the terrified society, taking _Tom_ along with him, as one unfit for such quarrelsome companions, and worthy of a superior destination; he therefore took him up to his own room, and having clasp’d a leather collar round his neck to which he affixed a neat brass chain, he pinned it down to the floor, permitting him a good scope to walk about the room, after this he combed him and examining his legs, he applyed a little butter to it, which _Tom_ by constantly licking, as it was kept constantly greased, soon made a cure of. When he was perfectly recovered the German took abundance of pains in his education, teaching him to walk fast, to run, and to jump on his hind feet, so that _Tom_ at the age of five months, became a perfect adept, and could cut capers higher than mons. —— the French dancer. He in three days made him tumble head over heels, backwards and forwards, and even three Somersets at once. Had he possessed the hands of tenacity like those of the monkey, _Tom_ would have excelled all of that species, taught or untaught. This was a great deficience in _Tom_’s make and form, and as sensible a grief to his master, who would have given ten guineas that _Tom_ had pugs hands, but as the poet says, _non omnia possumus omnes, nec licet cuivis adire corinthum_, and with this scrap of Latin we shall abrutly conclude this chapter, in order to have an opportunity of displaying our learning, and to begin another chapter.

CHAP XVI.

_Tom commences an amour with a young lady of his own kidney.—He turns actor and makes his first appearance on the stage at Bartholomew-fair._

Tom was according to the custom of this celebrated place invested with all the requisite apparatus of _Yates_ and _Shuter_. The day was proclaimed by the Lord-Mayor, and the usual solemnities, performed, of which _Tom_ was entirely ignorant. To describe this great festival would be superfluous to most, therefore, for the sake of the few, we shall confine ourselves to the department of _Tom_ the _Cat_. The bill run thus, several pantomime entertainments by a real _Cat_, who excels _Maddox_ on the wire, plays the slight of hand better than —— performs the dexterity of rope-dancing, and tells fortunes; little, very little of this, oh! ingenious reader did _Tom_ the _Cat_, know any thing of it; yet his wise promulgators, thought proper to impose on his supposed wisdom, and on the ignorance of those who had met there to be imposed upon.

The German had however employed a piece of canvass to represent the figure of _Tom_, in his various attitudes, something like those exhibited of _Steward_, _Saunders_, _Maddox_, and Miss _Wilkinson_; attitudes which the _Cat_ never performed.

The populace were drawn in, and more came to see _Tom_ the _Cat_’s performance than that of either _Shuter_ or _Yates_.

When _Tom_ the _Cat_, made his first appearance at Bartholomew-fair, it was not doubted but he would give the greatest satisfaction. The monkeys and their tribe were first introduced to the people, who played their old tricks over and over; but when the people called aloud for _Tom_’s appearance it was then, and not till then, that the sport of the fair begun; they gaped wide, when there appeared several gentlemen of the human species; two by two, then several ladies of the female species, two by two, dressed in robes of mimic tissue; maids of honour in pairs, with white gloves. Next baboon, king at arms, dressed in his regalia, attended by two ushers; next came the ladies of the bed-chamber, followed by two pages of the back-stairs, two train bearers; who bore the princesses coronet on a velvet cushion, adorned with the arms of the _singeric_ order; and in the middle, supported by two _feline_ lords, appeared _Tom_ beneath a canopy of state. He was known, as _Garrick_ is, or as _Barry_ and _Mossop_ was, by the dignity of his steps, and by other marks and badges of his superiority over all the rest. For oh! reader; believe me, who was present at this triumphal procession, that this mock entrance was no more than the artifice of a German, purely invented to deceive you, and to draw you in, whereas, there was nothing worthy to be seen, but the figure and appearance of _Tom_, graced or rather disgraced by the attendance of these _syngeric_ animals.

When he appeared first there was an universal clap of applause, tho’ he neither said or did any thing; he had been taught to make his usual obedience in private, as players study their parts and get one to hold them, to see if they are _gotten perfect_.

The first part he appeared in was in the _jack-scene_, which as it was drawing up, he times the motion, leaping upon it, goes it ever so swiftly, on which he stands till the leads are drawn up. Then, like _Harlequin_, he is seen in the wheel turning a heavy spit, laden with several joints of flesh and fowl, cut out in wood, at length he leaps out of the wheel, and is received by the cook in the frying pan, out of which he jumps into the fire, to verify the good old proverb, _out of the frying pan into the fire_. This fire being painted to deceive, did accordingly deceive the ignorant, but as _Tom_’s feet never felt the heat of it, so did he after many grimaces of the feet (allow me the expression) jump directly on the ladder of ropes placed in a vertical position, on which he descended and ascended better than e’er a minister of them all. The monkeys were put to the trial, but they could not execute like him; in his begging attitude, he collected for his master forty pence, out of a hundred and fifty present; but when he jumped through the hoop on the stage, they all threw down half-pence, pence, and shillings, which he had too much honour to gather up, but left that to his substitute, the German’s wife.

A female cat was then introduced, with whom he was to dance a minuet: This too he performed to the satisfaction of all present; and when the stewards appointed him to lead up the country dances, no person there was more alert or brisk, than he to see that the ladies were properly served with negus, tea, or coffee, as they desired: After this it is said, there was an _Harlequin_ entertainment performed, in which _Tom_ played the part of _Harlequin_, and his mistress or partner that of _Columbine_, to the utmost satisfaction of all the people who visited the German’s booth on this occasion, and some go so far as to say that neither _Shuter_ or _Yates_ had much company that night, as the German had cunningly inserted it at the top of his bills that the character of the _Harlequin_, was to be performed by _Tom_ the _Cat, who never appeared on any stage before_, and the character of _Columbine_ by a young Lady of the _Cat-kind, it being the first time of her appearing in that character_. This is the lady of the feline quality with whom _Tom_ from this happy occasion of playing _Harlequin_ with her commenced an amour.

With this young virgin _Tom_ was locked up by the German, in order to have a fine breed by them. She was of a pure milk white, unspotted as her chastity, had been the favourite puss of a lady not so unspotted as herself; her ladyship seldom went a visiting without her dear _Araminta_, (so she called her;) unhappy for poor _Minty_ she was one summer’s evening diverting herself with catching flies, when this cruel son of Judah took her up, and ran away with her; and though her ladyship advertised her with marks, and tokens, and a handsome reward, yet the Jew locked her up so close, that there never was any tidings of her since, till this respectable history discovered the place of her confinement, and sent _Tom_ to be the knight to this distressed damsel.