Part 5
On being closetted by this superb beauty, _Tom_ fell deeply ennamoured, as indeed what Cat could withstand her insuperable charms without feeling the flames of love. It is said that his passion for her gave him a poetical turn, and produced these lines of the feline composition.
On the Charms of MINTY the CAT, written by her lover TOM,
_Minty_, consent to be my bride And I will quit all Cats beside, Not the gay kitten in her prime, Shall tempt my love to waste the time, On any other Cat but thee, On any but my charming she, Let thy cærulean eyes behold Thy lover _Tom_ to slavery sold, A prisoner like thyself confined, Yet to the cares of bondage blind, So charming _Minty_ will but deign To let me wear a lover’s chain, Thy freedom I will ensure, Thy self from injury secure, Yes I’ll secure my charming Cat From the fierce dogs, or o’er grown rats.
If _Minty_ on my faith relies on, I’ll try each mouse for fear of poison, Secure from harm, we’ll mouse together Nor value dog or rat, a feather. Still in my breast will imprint you And wear thee in my heart dear _Minty_.
Whether he sat it to music himself, or some other celebrated master framed the vocal composition, we cannot certainly say, but we hear it was sung by a very good voice at the fair in the presence of _Minty_’s self, who doubtless was not a little proud to hear her beauties extolled by her own lover.
_Tom_ was too courtly to attack her any other way, than _en Cavalier_—and she was not so prudish as to cry _Pish!_ like some modern fine ladies, or say—I would not have you imagine me so easy a conquest,—or I am none of those creaters you think me, and such stuff—as his professions were honourable, and as she was conscious of her own beauty, she believed his vows to be unfeigned, and though,
Conscious of her beauty she look’d down Permitting the admiring sighing lover Without restraint to feed upon her charms.
Yet, she was not ashamed to confess an equal passion for him, and to repay his love and sincerity, with the surrender of those charms, which none but so handsome a fellow as _Tom_ could either conquer or deserve; we shall here be silent, and draw a curtain over those conubial delights, which we cannot paint: Certain it is, that they were both virgins, and therefore some people may be apt, superstitiously to apprehend that the first child must be a fool; but to falsify that vulgar opinion, we can affirm, that the first child _Minty_ ever had, was the wittiest of the five, of which she was delivered this lying in, and that the last born died of a miserable consumption, contracted in the womb from the imbecility of its texture. However, she was not so delicate or tender as to keep her room for the fashionable month: History affirms, that she killed two lusty mice, eat a slice of bacon, which she lighted on by accident, and went through the part of Columbine two days after delivery. The applause _Tom_ got in the character of Harlequin procured him such a character as the celebrated _Lun_ himself never purchased, with all his feats of activity; nay, this approbation went so far, that several people came to converse and familiarly play with him and actually gave him money, which he put into his master’s hands to keep for him; notwithstanding his confinement grew very irksome to _Tom_ and his young lady, yet he fared very elegantly. He had bread and milk, for his breakfast every day, fresh meat for his dinner, and milk for supper; she indeed during her pregnancy longed for tea, of which the Jew seldom drank any.
To obtain freedom for himself and dear _Minty_, became now the sole object of his attention; it engrossed all his thoughts, and almost interfered with his business. No husband on earth, could love a wife better than he did his _Minty_, but love itself, incompatible with bondage and confinement seemed to give way to the noble efforts for freedom, with which his mind struggled. She indeed was a sharer in his misfortunes, which in some measure sweetned the bitter cup, and alleviated his misery, and though he did not understand Latin, yet he thought with the Roman Poet,
_Salamæn miseris socios habuisse doloris._
As he was taking a walk with _Minty_, he observed a mouse under the bed, and darting at it, he missed his aim, but made a happy discovery.
Not the famous _Erwin_, when he thought he found out the longitude by discovering the immersion of the satellite of _Jupiter_, could be more sensibly affected with raptures of delight, than our hero was on the discovery of a mouse-hole, which led into the next garret. Not _Columbus_, when he found _America_, nor _Cortez_ on discovering the _Indian_ mines of gold could be more overjoyed. He would have cried, ευρηκαμεν, but he happened not to understand the Greek—sure it is he thought it, though he did not express it in terms; but he was no sooner about reconnoitring the place, in order to invest it _vi et armis_, than the door opened, and he was for ever torn away from the arms of his beloved _Minty_. Oh! dire misfortune to lose his mistress, together with the means of escape, and just at the very crisis of the discovery.
So have I known a bard who having happily nicked a line, finds himself embarressed and sorely perplexed to discover a rime to it. He consults _Bysshe_’s Art of Poety, turns over the leaves, and investigates the whole volume to catch the rhime, but in vain—at length he scratches his head, pares his nails with his teeth, and fathoms the depth of his own memory, when, oh! unspeakable! a dun raps at the door, the rhime, just in the point of view, escapes him, and is lost for ever, never alass to be again recovered. It had been some consolation thought _Tom_, with himself, if this interruption was deferred only till I had made the discovery to my charming _Minty_—now she must pine in solitude, and waste the remainder of her widowhood in fruitless anguish and imprisonment; constrained to obey, though reluctant, every summons of her lordly ruler, to frisk, and dance without inclination, for the entertainment of a pitiful mob. Thus he lamented, till he was brought down stairs to be exhibited as a shew; for his extroardinary beauty and the rumour of his many excellent qualifications had drawn several to drink at the house where the Jew lodged, in order to have a sight of _Tom the Harlequin_, as he was now nick-named though other historians, and some commentators differ in this point, insisting that he was more universally called _Harlequin Tom_. Our penetration is not sufficiently piercing to discuss this, or to determine the dispute either in the affirmative or the negative. Many, however, were the encomiums bestowed on the singularity of his shape, his fine skin, and extraordinary stature, the brightness of his eyes, the symmetry of his limbs, the poignancy of his wit, or the agility of his body.
When our hero had gone through his several exercitations, the Jew pinned down his chain to the floor, and sat himself down with the company who had invited him to regale over a pot of beer, which when he consented one of the company who did not come there for nothing, entered into the following dissertation, which the reader will find in the next chapter, and if he chuses to read it through, he will find it none of the most frivolous in the history.
CHAP. XVI.
_A learned dispute concerning the mythology of the word Cat, between two celebrated dictionary writers, and other of the literate compilers of words._
From the attempt to build, came the destruction of that stupendous pile, or rather quarry of stones, called _Babel_; hence some linguists say the English word _babble_ from that destruction came the confusion of languages, which our modern dictionary-writers, under the pretence of _distributing_, have thrown all into _pye_, and are now building, or rather rebuilding that mighty fabric of tongues, by piling and compiling every new year, dictionary after dictionary, folio after folio, so that after a successive generation of the alphabet, every letter of which begets a column if not a whole page, we may expect soon to see a babel built of dictionaries, whose top shall aspire unto the clouds, and once more provoke the almighty thunderer, to send down a vindictive bolt which shall once more throw all tongues into their original confusion. There were at the same time of our hero’s being brought down from his dearest _Minty_ about half a dozen of these _Word-wrights_, who after having seen the diverting drolls of _Shuter_ and _Yates_, and among other things the performance of _Tom the Harlequin_, or _Harlequin Tom_, (utrum horum mavis accipe) were willing to pay a second visit to our hero, and therefore desired his master, the Jew, to bring him into their presence, that they might once more feast their eyes on a creature, which they affirmed to exceed the leopard in beauty, the tyger in saline qualities, and the antilope shape. This led them into a discourse on the qualities of this creature, and a very learned gentleman, who understood hellenisms started a question or quære—_Unde derivature Cat?_ For, says he with a calendered face, we should first _define_ any word before we can arrive at its constituent parts. The word _Cat_ is a _monasylable_, made up of the constituent letters C. A. T. so is the word _Hat_ derived (as Tom Brown says) quasi, from the word _Hate_, because, says that learned antiquarian, men _hate_ to go without their _hats_, especially quakers, and ladies who wear them, and appear covered in their respect places of worship. Now, let us see, if we can’t find some word analogous in some of the languages, which may bear a similar analogy or corresponding affinity to the word _Cat_.
Now, gentlemen, in all the languages modern, or ancient, foreign or native, oriental, or occidental, cannot I find a nearer relation to the word _Cat_, than in the Greek language of which you know I am a perfect master—thus I say _Cat_, is derived from the Greek κατα, which being a Greek præposition, has several significations—analize the word _Cat_ forward, it reads _Cat_, and backwards _tac_, and any other way, _act_, turn it as you will now, Sir, take the particle, or expletive article, _a_, _a_, _Cat_; turn this and wind it as you will, it must make either, a Cat, or atac, and borrowing an _N_, by way of subsidiary or ally to support the expletive _a_, he will then be _an_, and then it will be an atac, or an _attack_. Try the greek word κατα—wind him, and turn him, he makes the word, _atak_, or in our idiom _attack_, so that our English word, a Cat, and the greek word κατα, signifies, either way _atak_, or _atac_. And what creature is more fierce to attack than a Cat, and this I affirm to be the answer to unde drivatum, a Cat, not to mention the precise or indefinite significations of the præpositive expletive κατα. He said, and sate down—next spoke and stood, one split hair, a mighty causuist in words, who perfectly understood how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply in words as accomptants do in figures. He could make fractions, and was able to conjure down the best letter in the alphabet into a cyper, so as to serve him in cases of necessity, either on the right, or the left of an other letter; by the addition of these substitutes, he could make any word stand for, or mean, any thing, as the arithmetician does, with his nine figures, and his beloved, O, he could make them dance country dances, figure in, or figure out, just as he pleased of which I shall by way of examples, or diagram, give the following alphabetical system, of his own projection.
+---+---+---+---+---+ | S | A | T | O | R | +---+---+---+---+---+ | A | R | E | P | O | +---+---+---+---+---+ | T | E | N | E | T | +---+---+---+---+---+ | O | P | E | R | A | +---+---+---+---+---+ | R | O | T | A | S | +---+---+---+---+---+
which letters being taken any way compose the same sound, and he defies any algebraist to make such another projection with the nine figures, since he has in this marvellous scheme made use of only eight letters.
He insists that the word _Cat_ was derived from _Cate_, a delicate sweet-meat, for why? Cats love _Cates_, and are especially fond of licking cream? hence, the proverb—will a _Cat lick cream_? And, why not, interrupted another _word-wright_, named _Quasimodo_, why not, _Cat_, from _Catherine_, or from _Catterpillar_? This unexpected derivation drew over a great many partizans, of several who were in the seats, and some affirmed, it was the best derivation given as yet—Yes, says _Split-hair_, if he supports the alphabetical authority. A just objection, replied _Quasimodo_, but I only take the initial part of the word _Cat-her-ine_—or if you will _Cat-he-ine_; I have nothing to do with _he-rine_, or if you will _herring_, because to mix it in this place with Cat, would be confounding fish and flesh, and producing an amphibious meaning,—but suppose, Whittington’s Cat, or Montaigne’s _Cat_ was called _Kate_, from Wittington’s wife _Kate_, or _Cate_, wont that do? And as for the word _Caterpiller_, or _Catercousin_, or _Caterer_, or _Cat-call_, or Cat and nine-tails, or _Cat_ in pan—or _Catamite_, each and every of these words may be tortured to confess as good a derivation, as your κατα, or attack—and what do you think (says a wag in an adjacent seat) of the word Cat-eg-or-i-cal—much the same says _Quasimodo_, or the Greek appellative—_Hecate_, who was a witch, (most Cats are said to be witches, you know) which if you divide, will make out the word—_He-cat_—(e final left out) or hekaton, a hundred—or _Cat-as—Strophe_—so that at the _fag_ end of the business instead of a Cat a nine-tails, you may have, a _Cat-hekaton_ or _Cat-a-hundred-tails_.
While this learned dissertation passed, the German, who expected every moment, that the Hebrew language, would be at length brought on the tapis, eagerly swallowed ev’ry word, without digesting a letter, and having drunk plentifully of the circulating pots, which he emptied, as fast as they came round, he had forgot poor Tom, who by this time was some miles off; this being the whole design of this cabal; the intent, purpose, end, and meaning whereof, was no more than to gule the poor Jew, and steal Tom, by engrossing the German’s attention with porter and chat, till a proper opportunity should be found to loose his chain, and bear him off triumphant; which the fellow employ’d, executed with the most admirable dexterity, and tho’ poor Mr. _Shuter_, was accused of being concerned in this confederacy, our history entitles us to acquaint him, and _Yates_, together with all the other droll men, and wild beast men in the fair, and we do aver, they were ev’ry mother’s soul of them out of the plot, neither were any persons, directly, or indirectly in the _hum_, but the persons above mentioned, we mean the disputants _Split-Hair_, _Quasimodo_, and their adherents.
CHAP. XVII.
_Gives an account of what became of_ Tom, _who meets with an unexpected acquaintance, and a new mistress; is restored to his liberty; goes a whoring, and is lost_.
The Jew having been plentifully and designedly plied with liquor, (for he was permitted to drink the most part of ten pots to himself) never missed the hero of our history, till the next morning, and he went to bed that night as _David_’s sow, for he was not of _David_’s line. His name was _Abram Judah_, but his descent was from _Ishmael_, the hand-maid’s bastard son; and there are very few Jews who can truly and really boast any other descent, tho’ they, like all other people in this respect, when abroad, and far from their own home, affect and boast a pedigree to which they have no title.—There is not an English vagrant, on the common tramp (as they express it) but pretends to be well born, well bred, and worthy a better fate, than that to which he was then subject, even those under the dominion of _Jack Ketch_, though born of the most profligate and abandoned rogues, and prostitutes, and who have learned under the influence of their example, those vices, which brought them to that end, shall die with a lie in their mouths, and boast the honesty, if not the gentility of their parents: But of this flagrant piece of bravado, none are more guilty than the Welch, Irish and Scotch, who being reduced under the English yoke, and deprived of all other titles to worldly respect, hold fast a sprig of the tree of genealogy, and are all gentlemen born to estates, which they are kept out of by right owners, from _Shenkin ap Shones_, who has but three goats in the world, to the meanest Highlander.
Far be it from the writer of this history to make national reflections, but if these annals should happen to light into the hands of any of the three nations, let such remember, that it is absurd, and ridiculous to the last degree, to claim that respect which the world will give them on an imaginary title, either an estate on the mountain of Penmanmure, or a family descent, which, if it ever existed, is long since extinct, and dead to all intents and purposes.
But the Jews of all others run into the greatest extravagancies in this hypothetical system. Each and every of them, from the meanest pedlar up to S—— G—— will tell you the very identical spot in the land of Canaan, which was alloted to them by their legislator, long before the days of David: Nay, some of them shall boast of such and such of their female relations, who had the honour to be of the seraglio of king Solomon; nor can I neglect this favourable opportunity which offers itself of relating a secret memoir, of two or three of their richest people, which may serve as a specimen of their disinterested loyalty to the present prince, under whose auspicious government they enjoy all the reasonable privileges of natural subjects.
There was a traitor condemned to be executed at Tyburn, for having in this city watched our armaments by sea and land, and sent timely notice to the French king of all our intended expeditions. When he found that there was no hopes left, he privately sent to a proper person, to acquaint him, that he had something of moment to impart, which regarded the welfare of the nation. He was admitted, heard, and examined, and actually gave information of the particular people concerned in the French loan, at the head of which were the chief people of the Jews, and principally three of their richest and most opulent traders. The traytor by this discovery saved his life, at the time that the people at Tyburn had paid for their places to see the execution of so notorious a malefactor. The person to whom the information was delivered, turned the discovery to the prudent ends of government. He sent for the three principal money-lenders, who being confronted by the informer, were obliged to confess their treachery, and thus the loan intended for the French king, immediately changed its channel, and by the dexterity of the minister, became subservient to the expences of a tedious war.
Yet these loyal subjects are the very people, to whom we were on the point of linking ourselves, by a voluntary act of naturalization, as if we had entertained a presumptuous design of frustrating all prophecies, and making null the predictions of their dispersion, and of these people being a scattered people over the face of the whole earth. It was in vain for the son of _Ishmael_ to lament the loss of his favourite Cat. _Tom_ was irretrievably lost. His search was fruitless, and the more he stirred in the search, the more he became the object of ridicule.
Our hero was no sooner brought to his new lodings, than he found himself in the arms of his old fellow-servant _Dolly Tinder_, by whose subtilty the whole scheme was laid and executed by her agents, _Split-Hair_, and _Quasimodo_; the favorable representations she had made to the mistress with whom she now lived, of the beauty and excellence of our hero, captivated the lady with the strongest desire to have him in her own possession. She had indicated this desire to _Split-Hair_, and _Quasimodo_, two schoolmasters who attended her son, the one in Latin, the other in writing and accounts. She gave them a guinea to carry on this design with more facility, and to bribe proper instruments to bring off our hero; which was accordingly performed in the manner related.
Had _Dolly Tinder_ given her mistress the most valuable present, she could not more have ingraciated herself than by this new acquisition; she fed him, caressed him, and did every thing endearing to cultivate a good acquaintance with her favourite. He even rivalled her darling parot in her affection; and ’tis said Poll took umbrage at this unnatural desertion, and did not speak a word to his mistress for two days. He refused even to be fed by her, and fell into the deepest melancholy. However, in some few days more, _Tom_ behaved with that deference and respect to the parrot, whose plumage he greatly admired, and whose interests he was somewhat afraid of, that they entered into a very great friendship, and correspondence soon after, and he permitted Poll to take some of his best morsels, nay, brought it to his very cage, so that in a short time after, _Poll_ would walk all over him as he lay stretched by the fire side, and suffered himself to be carried on his back as Tom walked along the parlour. But it happened one evening in the dusk, that he espied a beautiful young female, who seemed by her careless air to be disposed for a night’s ramble. Our hero, therefore, with his usual complaisance, went up to her, and made his inclinations known, that he should be glad to share that night’s adventure in company with so fair a creature, and she giving a half unwilling consent, he followed her to a dark ally; and was never more seen or heard of by his disconsolate mistress.
CHAP. XVIII.
_Our hero subdues the affections of his new paramour; he is attacked by a rival; fights a duel; flies to the Tabbies, at this time at war with the Blacks. Is made general. The battle of the Cats. Defeats the enemy. A list of the killed, wounded and taken prisoners. A Feline commander deprived of all his commissions and places for neglect of duty, with many other matters which the reader will find in this busy chapter._
Our hero soon entered into such close and intimate connections with this young courtezan, that he forgot the duties he owed to himself. He forgot his honour; and all other grateful sentiments, were erased from his heroic breast, in this following the example of many illustrious kings and personages of antiquity, particularly _Hannibal_, and _Alexander_, the one delaid by pleasures, at Cannæ when he might have made himself master of Rome; the other immersed in voluptuousness, and foreign luxury at Persepolis, and forgetting his interests in Macedonia.