Part 3

After a sweet and most profound repose, such as I have not experienced from the time I had left my father’s house first, I awoke, and knowing that nature after a great sea sickness, for I was sick the whole voyage, found an inclination to an egg or two, so went down and ordered the landlord to get me some for breakfast, who told me that he had none but turkey eggs, and those he was sure I would not eat; I asked him why? for I should like them to choose, if they were new-laid; he said they were laid that morning, but that it was monstrous to eat them in Leghorn, as they were devoted to another use.—What to be set, and hatched said I—ay to be sure, he replied, staring at me, as if I was a fool or a madman, why, continued he, they are devoted to our clergy: Sir, an English sailor like you, once called for eggs, and I had none but turkeyeggs, as is the present case, but he would have them, yes, da—n his eyes, and he had them, but Sir, as he was breaking the shell, out popt a little young cardinal, with a red hat, who thus accosted him.—Why you English son of a bitch, how dare you break my house over my head, though my mother was but an oyster, I’d have you to know that my father was a cardinal; he swore heartily to the truth of it, and finding him a facetious lyar, laughed as heartily as he swore, but nevertheless eat three of the cardinal’s mothers with a great deal of satisfaction; I then took a walk to see the city, in high-dress, and as I was walking through one of the streets, saw a great crowd of people going into a tavern, whom I also accompanied. The landlord seemed to be a man about fifty years of age, of a florid healthy countenance, plump and sleek; who thus accosted, Gentlemen, I am perhaps the greatest curiosity in Europe, how old do you take me to be? all agreed not above fifty, I shall, gentlemen, on the 19th of next month, be in the hundred and fifteenth year of my age, and never drank any thing but water in my life, nor ever knew any woman but my wife, never was bled, never took physic, never knew one sick minute, I thank Providence; now gentlemen follow me, and I’ll shew you a greater prodigy than myself. We followed, and the first thing that presented itself to our sight, was a cradle, in which lay an old man, who seemed to have lived in the days of good queen Bess, so wrinkled, so emaciated was his face; his beard extended to his navel, his eyes sunk in his head, and I could compare the skin to nothing but shrivell’d parchment, well, said the landlord, in that cradle lies my youngest son, he is not 72 till the 14th of March, hardships in war, and travel by sea and land, together with a most dissolute life spent with women, and in drunkenness, have brought him to this untimely old age; he has been a fool these twenty years, which saved his life to this time, because it disabled him from pursuing his former courses, a sad example of immorality and lewdness, as I am a standing monument of the contrary. Thus gentlemen, you have seen two of the greatest curiosities in Leghorn, if not in Europe, for a dollar a piece, and you are all extraordinary welcome.—When the company went away, I asked my landlord if he could provide me an interpreter to shew me the other curiosities of that famous city; which request he soon complied with, and I went with him; I told him my desire of seeing some of the courtezans, and he took me to a public stew; the custom and manner of which being extremely curious, I shall describe to you in as concise a manner as I can. My guide and interpreter knocked at the gate of one of the highest in repute. A porter appeared, to whom he gave two pence in our money. He rung a bell, and this produced an appearance of a priest, who in Italian, which my guide interpreted, remonstrated against our entrance, but this was only form, inveighing solemnly against the heinousness of our intentional sin; the guide paid him his fee for his kind admonition, which was six pence, he also rung a bell, and the doctor appeared, who brought us into his room, and examined us as to our health, but would take nothing but occular proof by convincing his own eyes. When this scrutiny was over, he received the same fee with the parson; in his turn he called the madona, or mother-abbess by ringing a bell, who on the instant appeared, and introduced, into what I may call the painted gallery, which presented us with the pictures of the most celebrated courtezans in Italy, particularly those of Leghorn, both of those who were dead, and of those who were living.—I asked by my interpreter, if the famous beauty Domitella was living, and was answered in the affirmative, and at present in Naples, in keeping by cardinal _Putezzi_, the Queen’s confessor, and archbishop of _Naples_. I asked next for the pictures of those women who resided in this particular _Licentiadi_, and was led into two rooms, the one the sick-room, the other that of health, wherein the pictures were disposed, and changed from room to room, as they fell down, or recovered. She desired me to take my choice, and pointing with my stick to one of the most beautiful in my fancy, was told, she was that night to dance with a young jesuit in disguise, for she is marked with white lead, you see two or three more are taken out already, and who therefore are at the baths preparing to receive their respective lovers.—I asked how many beauties there might possibly be, and was told, that she had then in the college, seventy-four in health, and about ninety ill: I was determined now I was in, to go through with the ceremonies of this temple of Venus, and having singled out another, a bell rung which brought the original to my sight; she happened to be a beautiful little woman, of uncommon vivacity, we dined together, and in the evening, she left me to go to the baths, while my guide and I took a walk mong the parterres and gardens of this common seraglio; we could observe many females of exquisite beauty peeping through the lattices, and some of them wantonly nodded at us, and many were in their smocks. At four the great bell rung to invite us to prayers; I thought this the most daring and flagrant piece of hypocrisy I had ever met with.—I went to prayers, and did as I saw others do; there were a great many elegant women of remarkable beauty, and a great number of men, as well Italians as foreigners; but the young courtezans were disposed in a seperate place from us. After prayers, another bell rung which invited all to the coffee-room, and here was little or no distinction, some drinking by themselves, some in couples, and some in droves, some drank negus, tea, coffee, capillaire, just as they thought proper, there being here, neither distinction, nor respect of persons, but all were well dressed except some English captains, and lieutenants of the navy, who dressed in their own manner, _a la mode de vaisseau_.

A band of musick then struck up in the assembly-room, one of the largest and handsomest I had ever seen; this was adorned with a gallery for those who did not chuse to dance.—The windows were blinded, and the room illuminated by a number of globes, beside branches of wax candles; we danced and went through all the ceremonies of a ball, or rather ridotto, there being sweet-meats and every other thing elegantly disposed in the buffettos, and about eleven the bell rung for supper which ended at twelve, and then all retired; and every gentleman-lover, was lighted to the scene of delight by his respective sultana. In the morning, I arose and bid my guide who did not dance, nor celebrate any of the mysteries, except taking two or three glasses of wine, to pay the night’s expences, which came in all to no more than a chequin, or nine and six-pence of our money; the cheapest entertainment I had ever met with in my life; for the courtezan herself receives nothing from her lover; and yet they all live in the most accomplished elegance and affluence. The madona, or mother-abbess pays a great rent to the Pope for her license, as do two thousand other houses in this city. What then must all the licensed brothels in Italy pay? this income, thus produced, it is pretended, goes to maintain certain vessels of war to fight against the Turks, but I believe this immense sum centers in the coffers of his holiness, which minds of a tribute arising, formerly in ancient Rome, from the temples of _Cloacina_, imposed by one of the emperors, and which one of his ministers told him stunk in the noses of the people of Rome; the emperor shewed him a great heap of gold, and asked him if that stunk.—no says the minister; why then says the emperor, why should the tap stink which produces so flagrant, so sweet a smell? We left the temple of Venus, and having discharged my guide, and seen every thing worth attention in Leghorn, took ship to visit the _Archipelago_, where are dispersed a great number of islands, small and great. Having set to sea, we were overtaken by a storm, and were drove on shore on an island of which the captain said he knew nothing more than that it must certainly be one of the Arches. This made us cautious of going up into the land, without being armed.

CHAP. XII.

_Discovery of a new Island not to be found in our Maps._

Therefore forty of us (among which I was one) declared our inclination of reconnoit’ring this island: It was rocky, sandy, and therefore desart, which we supposed to be the reason of it’s being never noticed by seamen; for as the Arches are a kind of a serpentine walk on the sea, a Dedalean labyrinth, it is more than possible, it is morally probable, that one thousand mariners in one thousand years, might never be obliged by storm, course, chance, or accident to have entered into the narrow ferry, or ferries, dividing it from forty others, insignificant as itself, which surround it. So that we were not surprized that after searching all the maps, charts, gazetteers, and even the great geographical dictionary for this island, we found all our attempts to find it entirely fruitless and abortive; on the hazard of reconnoit’ring the island, which was not seemingly more than two leagues in length and one in breadth, we took four rounds of cartridge, that in case of an attack, we might be able to facilitate our retreat to the boats; we went up about half a mile into the country, when we could plainly espy without glasses, a great number of the inhabitants on a hill who seemed flocking together to observe our motions, not without seeming apprehension of an invasion, which notwithstand from their numbers compared to ours, they must have laughed at; however, we made friendly signals of distress to invite them down, which they seemed, either not to understand, or to disregard; we then took courage, thinking that they could be no more than a parcel of peasants, or at best a raw militia, so we proceeded to the foot of the hill, but on our advancing so far, and looking forward, instead of having the least retrospect towards the ground we had passed, our small corps was quite surrounded, and made prisoners of war. They took from us our arms, without entering into any discourse with us, and taking the barrels out of the stocks with more dexterity than a gun-smith, they planted them on a rising ground, and returning us the empty stocks, pointed to the artillery they had just planted, with the greatest solemnity and presence of mind, and then making signs that we should depart, dismissed us, still pointing to our gun-barrels, significantly expressing by their silence, (for they said not a word) that our own arms should be pointed against us, if we dared come there again; we were very well satisfied with this discharge, since as there appeared several thousand of them against us poor forty, we prudently did not discharge one piece at them, which might have irritated them to such a degree, as to cut us to pieces; so we made a fine expedition of it, and returned in safety to our boats, which conveyed us on board, where when we appeared with our empty stocks without barrels, we were heartily laughed at by our ship-mates.

Here _Hugh of the Borough_ interrupted _Tom Traveller_, by asking him, what manner of people the natives of the island were, seeing they were so grave, reserved, and silent, to which _Tom_ replied, will you believe me, _Hugh_, every mother soul of them _Monkeys_.—_Monkeys_, I assure you upon the word of a traveller, and ever since from our journal of observations, we have marked down the place, and given it the name of _Monkey-Island_, and it is well known in a true and correct map, since engraved and published.—Now as we cannot attest the truth of this last part of _Tom Traveller_’s relation, concerning either the discovery of this new island, or the circumstantial particulars of their being disarmed, yet this we are sure of, that there are several miraculous events, and as equally unknown islands set down in the maps, charts, journals, voyages, and travels of very grave and credible writers both ancient and modern, whom, nevertheless we do not pretend to discredit, nor do presume to dis-authenticate, since they, bear an equal shew of probability with the relation of _Tom Traveller_, who by his name has a right to stretch as well as those worthy voyagers or map-makers. Here ended his narrative, however, and upon that sole account here endeth the twelfth chapter of our history.

CHAP. XIII.

_The Biographer returns to the history of his own hero, after a short remark on landing on an enemy’s country._

We would not be understood to reflect any oblique hints, innuendos, or insinuations on our own affairs, by this landing of a single ship’s company on an enemy’s coast, and we desire the politicians to forbear construing the affair of the barrels being taken from the stocks by an army of Monkeys, to the disadvantage of the ministry. Far be it from us to frame any such sly reflections: This landing of forty men, on an unknown island, can bear no analogy to a premeditated plan of harrassing the well-known boast of a well-known enemy. There is so great a disparity between the two incidents, that we hope to be acquitted of this charge, by every wise politician, as it is remote from our purpose to make any such odious comparisons.

We shall resume our respectable history, verily believing, and nearly assured, that when it is read and thoroughly examined by the reviewers, whether monthly, or critical, it will appear, for truth, candor, wit, humour, learning, ingenuity and invention to exceed, either the ancient history of _Reynard_ the Fox, or the modern one of _Pompey_ the little.

_Tom_ the _Cat_, being rejoiced at his releasement, exerted himself that night in the greatest inactivity, according to the philosophic dream of _bis inertiæ_. For he slept heartily and had several pleasant dreams, which _Artemidorus_ never dreamed of, as we do not find one of them in his collection of dreams. His fellow servant lately discharged, had ever since her quarrel fell enamoured of _Tom_’s beauty, and consequently resolved to wheedle him away the first opportunity she could lay hold of. _Tom_, she knew would follow her all over the world, and she thought it was a thousand pities, so fine a fellow as _Tom_ should spend his days with so despicable a wretch as her late mistress, to which species of women, I think they give the common name of a _Brimstone_, and others tack that of a dog’s wife to it.

_Tom_ was now a quarter old, being born on the 21st of _December_ 1751, whence some think he was called _Tom_: However, as his mistress _Clotilda_ was a Methodist, we can give no credit to this surmise. Though he was but three months of age, yet was he gigantic in his stature, being at this age as large, as some old full-grown Cats. His make was of the athletic; his shoulders were brawny, and his hinder parts resembling those of the tyger, but in nothing more did his beauty consist, than in the exteriour, which strikes first, and which saved him from being drowned; for he was beautifully variegated in colour like the leopard, neither two much streaked, nor too much spotted, but finely intermingled on a milk-white ground, the streaks and spots justly proportioned in the most admirable symmetry: His belly and breast were immaculate as the swans, which greatly heightened the characteristic beauty of his face, which looked like that of a fine woman, when she adds half a dozen small patches, disposed with art in such a manner, as to impart an additional strength to each charm. His eyes, which were of the sapphire, had an unspeakable tenderness, mixed with a masculine significancy, and the other appurtenances of his face, his whiskers long and short were of an elegant projection. His constant play-fellow, his tail was of the serpentine spiral, sometimes he would curl it, and then it bore a near resemblance to the streamer of a man of war when the breezes curl it, at the top-mast head. It was _tipt_ with _silver_, like a _verger_, when he introduces one into a pew of the Cathedral. His mien and carriage were stately, august, and solemn, except when he ran, and then neither the _Hind_ nor the _Panther_ could vie with him in fleetness.

Thus formed, thus arrayed in robes of ermin, who could have eyes, and not confess the superiour beauties of _Tom_, in comparison of which all other _Cats_ seemed _Rats_, either in size or excellence. In genius he was a _Mouser_, but many and great were his acquired abilities. The boys, who loved him from a kitten, had taught him to play at leap-frog, but he soon exceeded his young masters by leaping over half a dozen of them standing. They used him to leap over a horizontal stick as high as they could hold it up. They had taught him to pick pockets with his mouth, as well as his paw, by putting a bit of meat or cheese therein, and he was able at length to cap a man of six feet high, by jumping at his hat, and pulling it off with admirable dexterity. It would be tedious to enumerate all his parts, natural and acquired, be it sufficient to say, that he was possessed of all those eminent good qualities, which distinguish the monkey.—One evening, his fellow-servant seized a favourable opportunity, and calling to him, _Tom, Tom_, she turned the corner to be out of sight; he followed the well-known voice, and leapt into her arms; she covered him with her apron, and during the eclipse, he was agreeably entertained with a slice of very fine _Glou’ster_. When she brought him home, she performed the ceremonies of _Extreme Unction_, rubbing the soles of his feet with butter. This extreme unction differs from that of the papists, as the _feline_ is purely _local_, and applied to those extreme parts of the Cat, called the feet, whereas the other is temporal, and applied at the last moments to persons expiring. Those wags, called the casuists, will have it that this temporal application at the hour of death, is in imitation of a heathen custom, common among the Roman Athletæ, or wrestlers, who used to anoint their naked bodies with oyl, the better to _slip_ out of the _gripe_ of their antagonist. But whether this analogy will bear, we leave to those profound theologists, who deal in such learned disquisitions. _Tom_’s new mistress, the better to endear herself to his affections, poured out a libation of sweet milk to entertain him the longer in lapping, that during his perambulations across the room, he might be induced at every stage to visit the fountain-head, which she liberally supplied. And thus _Tom_ became intimately acquainted with his new appartment, and his new mistress, both of which he was so well satisfied with, that tho’ he had known the way, he had not the least inclination to revisit the place of his _Nativity_; and thus he absolutely forgot, or neglected all his _domal_ dignities to the great disgrace of _judicial Astrology_, wherein, however, he very much excelled most of his cotemporaries whether of the feline or human species.

CHAP. XIV.

_Some account of the person, and character of_ Dolly Tinder, Tom’_s new mistress_.

Here would have been a fair opportunity for some writers, fond of digressions, to indulge their favourite passions, by making, or fabricating a good long chapter upon _judicial Astrology_, but we scorn to swell our book to an enormous size by any such mean expedient, as we do not want matter, (we will not say subject matter, for fear of offending that delicate mythologist, master _Launcelot_, the templar) sufficient to carry on a larger volume, than the present, without having recourse to such low stratagems.