Part 6

Thus, in like manner, did our _Tom_ forget the duties he owed to his new and indulgent mistress, the lady of _Dolly Tinder_, not to mention his obligations to that faithful fellow-servant of his, to whom he owed his liberty. He now ranged at will, and took an unlimited freedom in the walks of love; till at length he found himself abandoned to sensuality, and resigned himself to the torrent of self-indulgence which bore him away from all morality and virtue. He left the city, and like a highway-man took the road to licentuousness, committing several robberies, and depredations, whereever he could light on prey. He would venture into the kitchens of country gentlemen and rob the larder,—he took bones of meat from several cats, depriving them of their meals, and like a fox, did once assault the poultry, carrying off a young goslin in triumph before the eyes of a whole family of geese and ganders. In short, his actions became infamous, and his reputation stunk worse than a _Pole-cat_.

As he was thus indulging himself in all manner of licentiousness, wherein the vocal songsters of the grove were not safe from his outrages, he went a whoring after strange _Cats_, and having neither the fear of man, bird, or beast before his eyes, he at length came to a large village; his beautiful varigated skin, fine shape, and uncommon structure attracted the eyes of a black Cat, the wife of a black Cat in that village; she made no manner of punctilio in eloping from her sable husband, but unnaturally left her house and home, to enjoy the solacing embraces of this lovely foreigner, _Jet_, for that was her husband’s name, missing his Negro-spouse, tracked her footsteps, and found them, _tête a tête_, in a neighbouring barn: Though unequal in size or strength to our hero, yet as the honour of his bed was concerned, he challenged him on the spot; a duel ensued, and after a faint of position was laid dead at the feet of our hero, who went farther a field, with the wanton widow of the deceased. But murder will out: Several black Cats happening to be marauding in the barn in quest of mice, saw the body, and went in pursuit of the murderer, whom they also traced by the blood, with which his claws were imbrued; they attacked him, and seeing himself ready to be overpowered by a superiority of force, he thought the safest expedient was to have recourse to flight, by which he escaped their fury. He had ran three miles, and found himself in a field adjacent to another village, nor was he long there, before several Cats surrounding him, smelt to the blood with which his coat was deformed, which when they found to be the blood of their enemies, instead of tearing _Tom_ to pieces, (as they might have done in the midst of his great fatigue) they brought him victuals to refresh him, and one of them conducted him to a dairy, where he lapped milk sufficient to recruit his lost spirits.

These Cats were all tabbies, and had been long at war with the blacks of the neighbouring village. After holding many conferences, and councils of war, they _nem. con._ chose our hero to be generalissimo in chief for the ensuing campaign, which high commission he most gratefully accepted; he now became commander in chief, and being stronger than any other Cat in the three kingdoms, he became conscious of his own superiour qualifications: His last trial of his strength, with the sire Cat of the black nation convinced him of his matchless abilities, and therefore he now began to discipline his troops, and fight mock battles, to lay plans of operation, to train them to skirmish, in cursions and surprize. To teach how to quarter on an enemy’s country, to levy contributions, to cover the foragers, and in short the whole process of war, either by _stratagem_, _Coup de main_, or _Manœuvre_.

He sent out recuiting parties, who raised a large military force in less than a fortnight, and he lived, belov’d, feared, and respected by the soldiery as well as the other generals, and officers of his new army.

It was on a moon-light calm night on the glorious first of August, the date of the year I forgot, but the scene of action was on Black-Heath, that _Tom_ at the head of an army of two hundred tabbies made his approaches, which he scorned to make in a private manner, but came up to them openly and in the moon-light. Neither did his motions escape their vigilance. He had divided his troops into eight battalions, twenty five in a battalion; and each battalion into five ranks, five in a line.—Two battalions, he left at some distance, as a corps de reserve, and with the other six, marched up to attack them before they could form in battle array. However, the dispositions of the enemy, were so well made in front by an old experienced general, that Tom, tho’ he made several furious attacks to break their front, the better to put those in confusion, who were forming behind, found himself mistaken both in the courage, and discipline of his enemy. For the wise general of the blacks, had prudently placed a line of veterans in the front, and as our general had never fought a campain before, he found himself foil’d in his first attempt, and thrown into some disorder; but rallying his soldiers and covering them like a shield, by his own personal courage and strength, he again formed his line of battle, and renewed the attack:—The enemy’s right wing seemed to have got an advantage of our left, which _Tom_ observing dispatched an Aid du Camp in waiting to desire the general of the Corps de reserve to advance, but whether thro’ a misunderstanding of the orders, or that they were not delivered in an explicit manner, a whole battalion of ours was cut to pieces, while that general, was endeavouring to explain the orders: In the mean time, the left wing did wonders, supporting the attack, which was vigorous, with uncommon ardour.—The enemies front was repulsed several times, but they rallied so well, and kept such excellent order, that we lost a great many valiant soldiers, with four officers, e’er we could break through, which at last was effected with considerable loss. A second order was sent to the general of the Corps de reserve to pursue, but in this two he is said to have strangely neglected his duty, pleading that he did not know the _roads_. However the enemy retreated, in some disorder, and with as considerable a loss.

After having gained as compleat a victory as so stout a resistance could admit of, he determined to avail himself of those advantages generally resulting from conquest: He in consequence of this, disposed the troops in such a manner as to secure all the passes, and to prevent surprize. A more compleat and brilliant victory would have undoubtedly gained over the black Cats, had the general complied with his orders, without hesitation, and therefore his case being taken into consideration, he was divested of all his employments and honours, which at that time was for some reasons of state thought a sufficient disgrace, tho’ not an adequate punishment.

CHAP. XIX.

_A military dissertation on a_ Cat and nine-tails. Tom _projects a scheme against_ Mouse-traps; _and burns a great number of those machines_.

A Cat and nine-tails is so well known to the common soldiers and sailors that we need not describe it to them, we shall only say, that it is generally appointed for the punishment of delinquents: It is called a Cat and nine-tails, because a Cat is a vindictive creature, and is supposed to have as many lives as the number of the Muses, but why the number nine should be affixed either to this mastix, or those ladies of antiquity, we shall by no means take up the reader’s time in enquiring, but shall reserve that, among many other invaluable arcana, to ourselves.

We shall however take notice, that this vindictive mastix, this flaggellum, called a Cat and nine-tails is applied to the back, which shews its original intention, however since unworthily perverted to meaner punishments, was to chastise cowardice, or disobedience of orders, because tergiversation or turning the back is an act of cowardice and disobedience.

Had a common soldier been guilty of a manifest neglect or break of duty, we are not sure if one like the above-mentioned general would not have ordered the _Cat and nine-tails_ to be applied to the offending party, but so it is that,

_Little_ villians must submit to fate, That _great ones_ may enjoy the world in state.

I remember to have been once in _G——r_, and perhaps some of my readers might have been there at the same time (in the year 1746) where I saw a common centinel receive five hundred strokes of the _Cat and nine-tails_ for killing his own pig; worthy reader be not surprized, for in the same year captain P——n was broke by the same governor, for having bought a fish. The governor was afterwards broke himself, but he snapt his fingers at the disgrace, having by all manner of oppression (for he was sole merchant, baker, brewer, chandler, shoe-maker, &c. himself) amassed a fortune of sixty thousand pounds during his short government; but the poor centinel never received a sixpence for the five hundred injuries he received from the Cat and nine-tails.

Our hero having finished his campaign with success and glory, was one day watching under a farmer’s stack of corn, to take as many mice, as he could detect in their rapine; which was not unobserved by the house-dog, who being accustomed himself to such slaughter, on the pulling down the stacks, judged this to be an invasion of his rights and privileges. _Tom_ had killed above a dozen, of which he had breakfasted upon seven, when Roger the house-dog came on him unawares, and invested his sides in such a manner, and began to worry him so terribly, that our hero, strong as he was, found himself almost at the mercy of his huge assailant.—Tom’s cries brought to his assistance three of the stoutest cats in the village, who attacking the nose of _Roger_, did so lacerate that, and the adjacent mouth and nose, that his yelling reached the ears of his master, who came time enough to disengage him from their talons. Roger, finding himself at liberty, would have run at our hero a second time, but our hero stood his ground spiting at him, and raising his back (on which the hairs stood erect, like a grove of spears) to an uncommon elevation. The farmer, seeing the resolution of this gigantic stranger, admired his intrepidity, and beating in the dog, attempted to wheedle our hero, who, on receiving such civil treatment from one he had never seen, and who had interposed between him and danger, advanced up to him in a gait truly courteous and graceful. The farmer went before, and Tom followed with all the humility of an invited guest. The farmer’s wife seeing a great huge cat all bloody, and its hairs almost torn from off its back, asked her husband in a very uncouth tone of voice, what galligaskin of a bear was that he had brought home with him; ’tis a fine cat, replied the husband, and such a galligaskin, as had like to have killed your Roger; here Ruth, says he, calling the dairy-maid, get him some new milk, for the poor devil has had a dev’lish bout on’t. He or Roger would have died on the spot, e’re either of e’m would have given it up; two such are not in the whole world besides, except my birchen cock, and switch the greyhound; I’ll match the four against the four winds: I suppose, said the gentle dame, you’ll bring your plough-horses in the house next; you’re become the jest of the parish already with your _birchen-poles_, your greyhounds, your horses, and your matches. Is the Cat to run a race next? See what the ’squire will say to you, when your rent comes to be paid; cocking and horse-racing will pay three hundred a year to be sure, and poaching will make a gentleman of you. Hold your busy tongue, says he, what was we before the last hard year? Were we worth a brass farthing, till corn grew dear? shew me e’re a farmer of e’m all has made a better hand on’t. The ’squire! Don’t tell me of the ’squire—what has he left out of fifteen hundred a year—have not I lent him from time to time seven hundred pounds on the west fields; and now he wants five hundred more on the great marsh to go to Newmarket—Rent! Why dy’e talk to me of rent? Or what is three hundred a year to me,—come, come, I dont forget, if you do—when you was glad to millk the cows, and do the drudgery of the steward’s house, and when I was no more, than _Joe_ the ploughman—now, d’ye see, I’m another man, and you’re another woman—Hea’en send us another hard year—and then we’re made for ever. Come, come, whatever pets I have, I lose nothing by e’m dy’e see, and so take care of the stranger—Ruth—wash him from the blood, and I dare say he has a fine coat. _Ruth_ did as she was ordered,—she gave our hero a large bowl of new milk, which he stood in great need of, having lived on rapine and plunder like other soldiers, ever since he quitted _Dolly Tinder_. But this rule of obedience was not the only reason why _Ruth_ loved Cats above all things; there were other motives for the extraordinary pains she took in trimming, and feeding our distressed hero. She loved Cats, because her mistress hated them; she loved sports, because her master was fond of them; but above all, she loved ev’ry thing that her mistress hated, because she hated her mistress: The farmer and she had got between them several sons and daughters, and old _Jane_ his wife was an old maid, twelve years since—Ruth was fruitful; a quality much admired by the tillers of ground, especially to those, who deal in corn; honest _Joe_ loved young _Ruth_, much better than he did old _Jane_, because young _Ruth_’s children, which were numerous, were also very serviceable to his farm, and were likely to promote his intrests by the income of their labour; _Ruth_ had been the refuge of the ’squire, from whom she descended to the ploughman _Joe_; when a young girl, she was old _Jane_’s superior, and during the time of her being the ’squire’s mistress, received many a low curt’sy from her _new_ mistress. These were the springs of action, and the motives of particulars, which swayed in this family; so that old _Jane_ had little more power in the house, than the power of her tongue, which she was determined not to part with, as she thought it was the last prerogative a wife _should_ part with.

When she had washed, combed, and fed _Tom_, she introduced him; at first sight _Jane_ could not believe her eyes, and when he came to pay his court to her, she condescended to stroke him, saying, now you may keep your pets to yourselves,—this shall be my pet for the future,—take you no trouble about him; for of all the creatures I ever set my eyes on, dogs, or Cats, horses, or hounds, game-cocks, or what not, this Cat exceeds every thing, and I hope you’ll not be running to my lady, to make her fall in love with it, and then give it away, for I’m determined never to part with it,—Ruth, see is it a he, or a she,—but no matter, I’ll keep it as long as it will stay with me; and what shall we call it _Joe_? Well, well, says _Joe_, if you like him take him, and call him what you please, you know the dog’s called Roger, so as this is of the better sort, give him a name yourself,—suppose you call him _Prince_, for I love Prince _Ferdinand_, tho’ he be a _Hanoverian_: Then _Prince_ let him be, said old Jane, for sure he is the _prince_ of Cats. _Tom_, tho’ he knew his own name better, was no way ashamed pf this new title of loyalty bestowed on him; but indeed he was too much tired to pay any great attention to the encomiums which were paid him, he therefore laid himself down by the fire-side and stretched his uncommon length, beneath the feet of his new mistress, entirely resigned to his present condition.

When he awoke, he, without paying any ceremony, either to the great house-dog, who only growl’d at him, or to a little sheep cur-dog, who run away from him, took a circuit of the house; he first reconnoitred the kitchen, smelt to every thing, and among the rest retired into the cole-hole, for reasons we do not think decent to mention. However, as he knew, when he was clean, he took care not to dirty his coat, or even his paws, because he found there a large quantity of saw-dust, where he performed his lucubrations. He then went up stairs, searched ev’ry room, and next proceeded to the garret, where an object, which he had never before seen, presented itself to his view. He walked round it, and round it, eyeing it with uncommon curiosity.—He smelt to it, and found something in the scent, with which he though himself very well acquainted, yet could he not conceive, for his life, what connection this machine had with the well-known smell.—At length he sat him down squat, as it were to ponder upon this new phœnomenon; after many ejaculations he could make nothing of it, and so retired into a dark closet to reconnoitre its contents. While he was smelling about there, he heard a sudden noise, and going to see what it was, observed a mouse hanging by the neck in the machine: He then began to _smell a rat_, and is said to have made the following meditation, in imitation of Swift’s, on a broom-stick.

_A_ Cat’_s meditation on a mouse-trap_.

By what name to call thee I know not, but the use, to which thou art destined, is evident as a mouse-hole; and who will after trust man? Are Cats so scarce, that their proferr’d service stinks.—Suppose the whole race extinct, would this admirable engine destroy the race of mice.—Can this machine smell them out, follow them to their dark recesses, sit over them, till they pop out their heads, and then put them to the slaughter? The structure is indeed a proof of human ingenuity, but is it not also that of their ingratitude, and is thus the feline services repaid? If men lay snares and gins for the vermin, which infest them, to what use are Cats created?

Suppose a creature to exist who lived upon fleas and lice, would it not be cruel to interpose between him and his prey, by the invention of wiles to take them:—Every one to his occupation.—That man should boast himself on the notable discovery of a piece of wood fabricated for such mean and ungenerous purposes! It is a monopoly, contrary to the nature and reason of things, to substitute an inanimate piece of wood instead of a living creature, made and intended for the purpose. I will never _mouse_ more, let ungenerous man kill his own vermin, and invent ways and means to bring them to his baits. I have done with it and him, who thus plays _Cat_ and _pan_ with one of the most useful domestics he entertains.

Thus saying he struck the _mouse-trap_ about the room with indignation, and went down stairs in the sullens.—However he was beloved by every body that knew him, this affair struck him to the heart, and he loathed the very victuals that were brought to him.

One day as he happened to be traversing the purlieus of the village, he saw a great number of mouse-traps lying in a window for _sale_. He recollected the form of the machine, and no doubt, judged rightly, that they were made there; upon this discovery, he went in the dusk of the evening, and by a most vociferous exertion of his voice, he summoned three-score _Cats_ about him, who were curious to know the cause of this citation.

Tom was not long relating the occasion, and after having held a short conference with the gravest and most sagacious, he appointed the hour and place of assignation, which was at the _mouse-trap_-maker’s house between the hours of twelve and one at night.—They met according to appointment, when all the house was asleep, and he shewed the machines, at the same time interpreting the use of them to his brethren, and the next thing that came upon the tapis, was what to do with them, how to dispose of them, and in fine how to destroy them; and the result of this short conference was to burn them on the spot; they accordingly gathered the chips and shavings that lay about the shop, and dragging about two hundred of them, which were finished, they in an hour’s time set fire to them all; as their was a fire in the shop it was easily done by sixty Cats, who were as busy as their indignation could make them, nor did they much care whether they set the house on fire as they detested every thing in it, both the house and the master.—But as the business was very hot so did it over heat several Cats, who died of fevers, contracted by that nights ferment; and among the rest our hero fell sick that night, and tho’ all proper care was taken to recover him, he died the third day of his sickness, being in the year 1759, and on the 18th of September, near two months after the glorious victory obtained by him in his troops, and in the second year of his age, untimely cut off in the bloom of life. He was decently interred in the garden, and tho’ no monument was erected to his memory, we hope this our respectable history will transmit his name to the latest posterity.

FINIS.

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

On page 135 the Chapter number is XVI but it should be XVII since XVI was already used on the previous Chapter. This has not been changed. Similarly no change has been made to the subsequent Chapter numbers XVII, XVIII and XIX.

Except for the changes below, all spelling and punctuation in the text has been left unchanged. These changes all appear to be printer’s errors.

Pg 34: ‘perceive the the’ replaced by ‘perceive the’. Pg 74: ‘CAAP. XII’ replaced by ‘CHAP. XII’. Pg 74: ‘not ot be’ replaced by ‘not to be’. Pg 81: ‘boast of of a’ replaced by ‘boast of a’. Pg 103: ‘his m or advanced’ replaced by ‘his more advanced’. Pg 138: ‘a rearer relation’ replaced by ‘a nearer relation’. Pg 139: ‘and and backwards’ replaced by ‘and backwards’. Pg 140: ‘significations of of’ replaced by ‘significations of’. Pg 147: ‘Jshmael’ replaced by ‘Ishmael’.