CHAPTER X

_On the Stage and Off_

To a Critic

You may whistle me in or whistle me off, But that does not say, the whistler is smart.

A Candid Answer

A young actor was playing Razman in Schiller’s “Räuber” (Robbers). When he says to Moor: “Come, let us go to the Bohemian forest and gather a robber band,” Moor cries harshly: “Fellow, who put these words into your mouth!” The actor pointed at the prompter below, and said timidly: “The fellow down there.”

The Prelate and the Singer

The following humorous incident is told in verse of Prelate Carl von Gerok, the recently deceased author of “Palm Leaves.” It happened one spring-day in the King’s park at Stuttgart. Along the philosopher’s path, Gerok was walking deep in thought, and carrying an umbrella very carefully in his hand. On a sidepath, never thinking of a possible shower, walked a well-known singer. Suddenly it began to sprinkle, and in a few moments the rain came pouring down. The prelate, a gallant gentleman, offered to take the lady under his umbrella. Neither one knew the other. In pleasant conversation they arrived at the singer’s house, and Gerok begged to know the lady’s name.

The clever child of the muses Has her answer quickly ready: “From the question I portend, That to the opera you never went; As the Prima Donna there Everybody knows me here.— Now it is my turn to ask And I beg of you, to tell, Under whose umbrella now I returned, protected well.”— “From your question I portend, That to church you never went; As the pious know me all, For the Prelate I am called.”

Acute Hoarseness

The singer Tichatschek was once engaged by the Grand Duke of H. to sing for a few nights at his Opera house. On arriving, the singer went at once to an orchestra rehearsal of the opera in which he was to sing, and which was conducted by the Grand Duke, who was an enthusiastic musician. While still behind the stage Tichatschek could hear that the orchestra was playing out of tune and that the wind instruments were ahead.

“Great heavens!” cried the singer, “what musical chaos is this? What idiot is occupying the leader’s desk?”

With these words he stepped upon the stage, and found himself face to face with the Grand Duke, who exclaimed excitedly:

“I am that idiot!”

The singer canceled his engagement on account of “acute hoarseness.”

Comforting Words

A well-known comic actor, who had accumulated a large fortune, was on his deathbed. A number of his friends stood around, weeping.

“Calm yourselves,” said the dying man, “you won’t weep over me as long as you have laughed over me!”

Forgot to Crow

At a small theatre, Hamlet was being given, and a very poor actor played the principal part. In the scene with the ghost, he shouted like mad. Some one in the parquet said: “Quite true to Shakespeare, only the cock forgot to crow when the ghost appeared.”

“Instead of that,” some one else said, “an ass brayed.”

Don’t Meddle

A money lender once asked Garrick what he understood by “honesty”?

“Why should you want to know,” replied Garrick; “you had better not meddle with things that don’t concern you!”

Very Obliging

When a third-rate actor, playing Hugo in Müllner’s “Guilt,” stabbed himself, the audience cried: “Bravo! da capo!” (do it again). He jumped up, bowed, and stabbed himself a second time.

The Young Assyrian

At the Karl Theatre in Vienna the farce “Judith and Holofernes” was being played. During the performance a small dog that had been hiding behind the scenes walked out on the stage, stood still in front of Holofernes and wagged his tail. Nestroy, who was playing that part, had hardly spied the uninvited guest, when he cried pathetically:

“What does this young Assyrian here?”

The audience broke into a roar of laughter and applause, while the young Assyrian fled.

Nature, not Art

A singer, whose simple, soulful singing more than compensated for the usual flourishes of so-called high art, was playing _Julia_ in “The Vestalin.”

“Is this art?” asked the resident _prima donna_, of the manager.

“God forbid!” replied he, with a sarcastic smile, “this is pure, true nature.”

The Methodist’s View

A Methodist once said of a theatre: “It is a place where Satan can have, every evening, so many souls for a few pieces of silver, that he is sorry he once bribed Judas Iscariot with thirty pieces.”

Asking His Pardon

While Beckmann, the great comic actor, was playing at Berlin, his friends persuaded him one day to imitate Fränkel, the journalist and critic. He did it both in looks and manners so well, that at the close of the act the audience called for Fränkel. The offended critic brought suit, and Beckmann was sentenced to ask the complainant’s pardon, in the presence of witnesses and at the plaintiff’s home. At the appointed hour Fränkel, surrounded by his family and a number of friends, was waiting for the penitent. Time passed on leaden feet. At last the door opened, Beckmann put his head in and asked:

“Does Mr. Maier live here?”

“Oh no,” replied Fränkel, “he lives next door.”

“Ah, then, I beg your pardon!” said Beckmann, who, having thus done penance, retreated quickly, amidst shouts of laughter from all but the angry, disappointed Fränkel.

Peter and the Cock

A manager whose name was Peter, engaged a singer, named Cock for a number of operas. At the first performance, the singer did not please. Things were worse at the second; and on the third night the house was empty. A critic said:

“When the cock crew the third time, Peter went out and wept bitterly.”

The Actor’s Generosity

A great comic actor had been assisting at a concert, given for the benefit of the poor of a large parish. After the concert the clergyman entertained at supper all who had taken part. The great actor found under his napkin an easter egg, and on breaking it, five gold pieces fell out.

“Ah,” he said merrily, to his host, “you knew that I am fond of boiled eggs, but one thing you did not know, that I eat only the white. Permit me to leave the yolk for your poor.”

Art and Artist

On the same day a mediocre actor and a frivolous spendthrift died at Berlin. Some one remarked: “The city has lost to-day two artists of a peculiar kind: the one still owes us art, the other had the art to owe us!”

The Horse-Thief

One day a famous actor, who was seeking his health in the country, missed his horse. He asked a countryman whether there were horse-thieves around.

“Oh no,” said he, “we are all honest people here; but for some days, some actor-fellow from the city has been loafing around here; perhaps he took it.”

Truth and Fiction

A bishop once asked a great actor:

“How is it, that we clergymen, in spite of the great and true subjects we discuss in public, make so little impression, while you gentlemen of the stage, make so much?”

“It is because we actors make fiction sound like truth, while you clergymen make truth sound like fiction.”