CHAPTER IV

_For Doctors_

Depends Upon Which He Strikes

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I am going to begin my lecture to-day, with the diseases of mankind. When a person is ill, nature and disease are fighting each other. The doctor comes and beats about with a club, so to speak; if he strikes the disease, the person will recover; if he strikes nature, the patient dies.”

At the Clinic

“Yes, beloved hearers, every hour must find us prepared to die. Death is inevitable, yes almost sure!”

Absent-Minded

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I can inform you that during the past month, more boys than girls were born in our city; but as to the weddings celebrated during the same period, the number of women who were married exceeds that of the men considerably.”

Entered In

“Gentlemen, at the last lecture we studied the outer form and structure of the stomach; to-day we will enter into the stomach itself.”

At an Operation

“Please, gentlemen, put your knives away now, and take your fingers in your hand.”

At the Hospital

Professor:—“We have no patient here to-day who needs an operation, but as his Highness, our patron, wishes to attend one, we will try one on this man here. He is a stranger in the city, so it will be all right.”

Consistency

Doctor:—“Do you make experiments at your hospital?”

Professor:—“I should say so! We have, for instance, three divisions for inflammation of the lungs. In the first, the patients are not given anything; in the second, they are given tartar-emetic; in the third, tartar-emetic and they are also bled. In all three divisions deaths are about even.”

Doctor:—“Don’t you think that many a patient of the first division could be saved, by being bled?”

Professor:—“Don’t doubt it, but it can’t be done. We must be firm, to reach the desired result.”

The Ruling Passion

Miser:—“If, as you say, there is nothing more to be done for me, I should like it better if you could fix it so that I shall be dead and buried by New Year.”

Doctor:—“What do you wish that for?”

Miser:—“Because I could save a lot of money on New Year’s presents.”

The Medicine Chest

A ship’s doctor was in the habit of prescribing sea-water for most ills. One day by an unlucky accident, he fell overboard. “Hello, Jack,” called one sailor to another, “the doctor fell into his medicine chest!”

Doctors Not Unlike Policemen

The prince of R. once said to Hufeland: “You are a famous physician. You know the human body so well inside and out, that you ought to be able to cure all ills!”

“It is with doctors as with policemen,” replied Hufeland. “We know the streets well, but how the houses look on the inside, we can only guess at.”

Bound to Succeed

“Say, surgeon,” thundered the Colonel, “several more soldiers have died and you don’t even seem to know the cause of so many deaths!”

“Oh, I shall get at the mystery,” returned the surgeon, “if it takes the whole regiment.”

The Co-laborers

Lady:—“Would you mind telling me, Doctor, how it is that you have so many patients?”

Doctor:—“That is very simple. I have three fine agents, who work for me and bring me patients, without being paid for it; they are Poverty, Intemperance, and Imagination.”

No Need of a Doctor

Doctor:—“While taking this cure, you must diet yourself strictly; avoid all fatty and acid foods; and leave beer and wine alone.”

Patient:—“Hold on, Doctor; if I must do without all that, I’ll get well without you. If you can’t help me to be well, while I eat and drink what I like, I have no use for either yourself or your science!”

Practice Makes Perfect

Doctor:—“Well, you are coughing with less exertion to-day!”

Patient:—“That’s not surprising, Doctor, since I practiced at it all night.”

A Dyeing Patient

Doctor:—“My dear woman, your husband is in the greatest danger! His hands and arms are very red; he has scarlet fever in the worst form!”

Wife:—“But, Doctor, my husband is a dyer, and was using red this morning.”

Doctor:—“Oh well, then I can perhaps save him yet!”

Curiosity

“You see, Doctor, whenever I shake my head, my brain hurts dreadfully.”

“Why do you shake your head, then?”

“How else can I find out that my brain hurts?”

The Greater Risk

Doctor:—“Well, Moses, what has happened?”

Moses:—“What has happened? My wife drank coal-oil.”

Moses, Jr.:—“Father, mother is calling for you constantly; do go in to her, so she will get quiet!”

Moses:—“The Lord have mercy! I should go to her? You go in first, Doctor.”

Doctor:—“Why shall I go in first?”

Moses:—“I have six children to support.”

Doctor:—“Well, and——?”

Moses:—“Well, and? you ask, Doctor, and yet you are a smart man. What if she should explode the moment I was with her?”

Lung Trouble

Countryman:—“Doctor, will you please prescribe a little something for me. I think something is wrong with my lung.”

Doctor (after examining him):—“You go quietly home, my man; as long as you will live, your lung will hold out all right.”

How He Got Home

Dr. Schneider was awakened at midnight by a stranger who asked him to come to a patient at a little town two hours distant. “It is very urgent,” added the messenger. The Doctor had his team brought around, and drove away with the stranger. Arrived at the town, the man jumped from the buggy, saying: “I am very much obliged to you, Doctor. I was dead tired and did not know how to get home, so I thought of you and your team. Now I shall be at home in a few minutes. I hope you will get home all right.”

Out of Joint

Augusta:—“Well, Ricke, I tell you it is dreadful to be a servant in a Doctor’s family? Just think, every morning his bones are scattered all over the room!”

Ricke:—“Good gracious! Does the man take himself apart every evening?”

Patience

Minister (at a sick bed):—“Just have patience, my good woman; all will be well.”

Old country woman:—“It’s easy to talk, sir, but I should just like to know what I have done. Lots of people die so easy, and it’s killing me!”

Death Loves a Shining Mark

“Rebecca,” said Reb Baruch, who was dangerously ill, to his wife, “get your most beautiful gown and dress yourself as for a wedding!”

“Why? What for? What good would it do you?”

“I’ll tell you. If the angel of death should enter, and see you standing there, looking so beautiful, he might like you better, and take you instead of me!”

Rheumatism or Gout

A physician who was asked the difference between rheumatism and gout, answered: “If you take a vise, put a finger between, and turn until you can’t stand it any longer, that’s rheumatism; if you turn once more, that’s gout.”

Humor on the Deathbed

When Frank, a famous Vienna physician was dying, eight of his colleagues sat around his bed, in consultation. All at once the dying man laughed aloud and said: “I was just thinking of that French grenadier, who, at the battle of Wagram, fell after being struck by eight bullets, and whose last words were: Sapristi, it takes eight bullets to kill a French grenadier!”

Very Ill

A hospital physician asked a sick old man, how he was.

“Oh, dear Doctor,” said the good old fellow, “I feel so ill, that if some one told me I was dead, I should not be surprised.”

Poor Schleiermacher

The famous preacher Schleiermacher had, during a severe illness, been under the care of the celebrated Dr. Gräfe. After his recovery, Schleiermacher wrote to him and enclosed in his letter four Friedrichsd’or—about thirty-one dollars. Gräfe sent the amount back with this rude answer: “Wealthy people pay me what they like; the well-to-do pay the regular fee; the poor pay nothing.” Whereupon Schleiermacher wrote: “Sir! For the return of the four Friedrichsd’or accept poor Schleiermacher’s sincere thanks!”

Who Was Right

The celebrated Dr. Heim, who was known to be often slightly intoxicated, was called while in that condition, into a family whose regular physician he was.

The gentleman of the house, who was taken with an attack of acute indigestion, and was suffering intense pain, confessed that it might be the result of having eaten too many raw oysters. “Give him Chester cheese, and a good big portion of it,” said Heim, and without another word, walked out.

The patient’s family, who imagined that cheese was more indigestible than oysters, shook their heads over their doctor’s advice, and thinking that in his intoxicated condition he had made a big mistake, gave him rum instead of the cheese. A few hours later the patient died.

The next morning Heim came to look after his patient. He was told that he had died in the night.

“Didn’t you give him the Chester cheese?” asked Heim.

“No, Doctor,—we thought—you were—we gave him rum.”

“So,” Heim cried furiously: “you thought, because I was drunk, you knew more of medicine than I, and in that mad idea killed your patient. But I want you to know, that even if I am drunk, I still know more of medicine, than you do in all your sobriety. Now you send for two dozen oysters at once, and I’ll prove to you that even if I do drink a glass of wine, I know very well what I am talking about.”

The oysters were brought, and at Heim’s order, were divided and placed into two separate dishes. To those in one dish he put several slices of Chester cheese; to the others he poured several glasses of rum. “Now, then,” he said, “you let that stuff stand for a few hours and we’ll see who knew best!”

Growling and scolding—for Heim was as famous for his roughness as for his skill—he went away. When he returned a few hours later and the dishes were uncovered, it was found that the oysters mixed with cheese had dissolved into a foam-like substance, while those soaked in rum were in an unchanged condition.

“Well, who was right?” asked Heim. The unhappy relatives were forced to look upon themselves as the murderers of their beloved dead.

A New Cure for Headache

A lady patient, who often suffered from severe headaches, once asked Heim’s pardon for trying a remedy which was said to be an infallible cure. She had been told when next the pain came on, to cover her head with cabbage. “Very good thing,” said Heim, “but don’t forget to put a sausage on top of it.”

Strange Effects of Alcohol

One evening Heim was called into a family where the infant daughter had been suddenly taken with spasms. Heim felt the baby’s pulse, shook his head, felt his own pulse, then the infant’s again, and at last said: “The baby is drunk; her pulse is exactly the same as mine.” That seemed a queer diagnosis, but it was soon evident that old Heim was right as usual. There had been a celebration in the family that day, and the wet nurse had made use of the occasion to drink a bottle of wine on the sly.

Good for Asses

A lady of the aristocracy bothered old Heim dreadfully with questions as to what she could feed her baby on, to make it grow fat. One day she followed him to the house door. “One thing more, dear Doctor! What is asses’ milk good for?”

“For young asses,” replied Heim, and walked off.

Wanted a Return for Her Money

Cook:—“Good Frau, since there are two holy days coming, I am going to the hospital.”

Mistress:—“Why, Marie! are you ill?”

Cook:—“No, thank God; there is nothing the matter with me, but I have paid my sick benefit regularly for six years, and I should like to get something out of it.”

His Reward

“You are an awfully good-natured fellow, to give your man his medicine, yourself. Not many masters would do it.”

“Well, you see, the medicine tastes so horrid, that it is great fun to see the faces he makes, as I pour it down his throat.”

Better Than Half a Nose

While operating upon an old man, Professor Billroth, of Vienna, told the physicians and students present the following amusing story: “Some time ago an old man came to me to consult me about the disease of his nose. He owned only half a one, and that was not worth much, so he thought I could operate upon it and give him a decent artificial one. I asked how old he was. ‘I am eighty years old,’ he said.

“‘Do you think it necessary at that age to undergo an operation?’ I asked of my patient.

“‘Professor,’ says the old fellow, ‘my father lived to be one hundred and twenty-five years old, and I don’t see why I should walk around for forty-five years with only half a nose.’”

Kill or Cure

The wife of a farmer in Westphalia was seriously ill, and the doctor was sent for.

“I have a hundred thalers in this bag here, doctor,” said the well-to-do farmer, “and whether you kill her or cure her, you shall have the money.” The patient died. A few months later, the doctor came to get the promised money.

“I am ready to keep my promise,” said the farmer, “but first you will answer me two questions: did you kill my wife?”

“God forbid!” said the doctor. “I certainly could not say yes, to that!”

“So much the better. Well, then, did you cure her?”

“No.”

“Then I am sorry I can’t give you the money. If you wish to bring suit for it—I can’t prevent you.”

The doctor took good care not to go to law about it.

Dr. Schweninger as a Statue

A porter once took a friend from the country to show him around Munich, and among other places of interest they went to the University. The countryman wanted to know what the figures on the front of the building meant. The porter, to hide his ignorance, mentioned several great men of the time. Arrived at a scantily clad Greek philosopher, he says unblushingly: “That is Dr. Schweninger!”

“Oh, Bismarck’s family doctor! But why hasn’t he a coat on?”

“Well, you know, Seppel, since he cured the Chancellor, the people just fight over him, so it is no wonder he hasn’t a coat left.”

An Uncertain Bargain

At the clinic of the University of Kiel, appeared some time ago, a stalwart countryman about forty years of age, who asked Professor N. to buy his skeleton. “But, my good man,” said he, looking him all over, “I am afraid we should have to wait a long time to come into possession of our own. What do you want the money for?”

“Well, sir, I wanted to emigrate to Australia with it,” replied the countryman.

Natural Death

A traveler asked the host of a country tavern why, being ill, he did not send for a physician?

“Well,” replied the sick man, “the people of this village don’t think anything of doctors; we all like to die a natural death.”

“Got You at Last”

A physician from Baden-Baden tells this story: “It was a clear cold night—after twelve o’clock. I was returning from a visit in the country, and riding through the forests I heard the sounds of ax-strokes. There was no doubt about what this meant. I was in good humor, so I tied my horse to a tree, sneaked up close to the thieves, and watched their doings for a while. As they were giving the last strokes which were to bring down a beautiful tree, I jumped from behind my hiding-place, crying: ‘Got you at last, you villains!’

“‘Clear out—it’s the forester!’ called a voice; and as quick as lightning the whole company disappeared. One ax was left behind, and I took it as a trophy and rode home. The whole affair passed so quickly that I could not see distinctly any one of the trespassers.

“Years passed, when one afternoon as I entered a tavern in Baden-Baden, my attention was drawn to a party playing cards. The game seemed to be lost to the man whose back was turned to me. Suddenly he cried out: ‘Mine with the bower, and thank you!’ It was the same voice, that years ago, had given the command: ‘Clear out!’

“A second game began. I stood behind my man looking at his cards. As he took up a long-expected trump I called to him unexpectedly: ‘Got you at last, you villain!’ Slowly the player turned around to me and said: ‘Where is my ax?’”

Drinks What is Good

Druggist (to a countryman):—“I can’t recommend anything better than Dr. Muller’s health-tea. That is good, and is sure to help you.”

Countryman:—“Oh, if Dr. Muller makes it, let’s have it. Dr. Muller doesn’t drink anything bad.”

Precaution

A patient is about to take gas to have a tooth pulled. While the dentist is making his preparations, the man counts his money. “Oh, leave that until afterwards,” says the dentist, thinking his patient wants to pay him in advance.

“Why afterwards,” cried he, “if you are going to take my senses away, I want to know beforehand, how much money I have in my pocketbook!”

Reciprocity

A well-known and popular actor came to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. When the operation was over he took out his purse. The dentist seeing this, said: “You have given me pleasure so often, that I am pleased to be able to return the favor, so never mind the pay!”

Secrets of Medical Science

Among the effects of the famous Dr. Boerhave, was a well wrapped and sealed package, with this inscription: “The only and deepest secrets of medical science.” When his library was sold this package brought 20,000 marks. On breaking the seals, the purchaser found nothing but a few empty leaves, on the first one of which was written in large letters, Keep your head cool, your bowels open, your feet warm, and you can laugh at all doctors.

A Pointed Answer

Dr. M. whose bruskness was well known throughout Silesia, was going by coach one day from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room were several gentlemen waiting for the same coach. One of them came up to the doctor.

“Are you Dr. M.?” he asked.

“At your service,” was the answer.

“I am glad to hear it. Since you know everything, you could possibly answer a question.”

“Perhaps so; let me hear what it is.”

“Well, you see my mustache is already gray, while the hair on my head is still black; what is the cause of it?”

Without a moment’s reflection the doctor replied: “The cause is simply this, that you have always used your mouth more than your head.”

How He Took the Pills

Doctor:—“Why, the boy is perfectly well again. I knew my pills would cure him. How did you take them, son? In sugar water?”

Boy:—“No, sir; in the popgun. I shot sparrows with them.”

Had Them in His Head

“Can you name the bones of the skull?” asked a professor of a student.

“I have them all in my head,” was the answer, “but I can’t think of the names just now.”

Too Much Mustard

Doctor (to an emaciated patient):—“Now you want one mustard plaster on your chest and one on your back.”

Patient:—“Isn’t that rather too much mustard for so little meat, doctor?”