CHAPTER XIII

_Students in the Fatherland_

Obvious

Professor:—“The old Greeks built their theatres in such a way that the spectators sat in an uncovered space.”

Fresh student:—“But what did the old Greeks do when they were at the theatre and it commenced to rain?”

Professor (thoughtfully taking off his spectacles, polishing them and putting them on again):—“When it rained at the time the old Greeks were at the theatre, the old Greeks got wet.”

Perhaps He Was Right

Professor:—“How do you find the size of a triangle?”

Student (mumbling to himself):—“What a fool that Professor is; how should I know!”

Professor:—“What is that? Say it again; perhaps you were right.”

A Reminder

Professor M——, of Königsberg, whose house faced the cattle market, had a number of enemies among the hot-headed students. Once when during a lecture, they created an uproar, drumming on their desks, he said coldly: “Gentlemen, for your own sakes I must beg of you not to remind me where I live.” These few words soon restored quiet.

Long Buried

Professor (at a medical examination, showing a human bone):—“Can you tell me about how long this bone might have been buried in the earth and whether it is of the male or female sex.”

Student (after thinking for some time):—“The bone has been in the earth since the death of its owner, and is of the male sex because we say: _Der_ Knochen” (masc. article).

Remember Me

Professor (making a farewell speech):—“And now, young gentlemen, as you are entering the life of the University, I ask you to avoid all drinking bouts. Beer drinking makes stupid students. Remember me!”

Gave Him Away

Professor:—“I have to ask your indulgence for a few minutes. I left my manuscript at home, but my little son will bring it at once.”

The little son (entering):—“Mother could not find the manuscript, so she sends you the book from which you copied it.”

The Persistent Creditor

Creditor (who is receiving his money at last):—“There are still ten marks missing, if you please!”

Student:—“I shall deduct those from the amount, for rent, since for the past few months you lived at my lodgings more than I did.”

Watchman or Donkey

Student:—“Herr Nachtwächter (nightwatchman), I wish to ask you something. May I call a Nachtwächter a donkey?”

Nachtwächter:—“Just you take yourself off, before I haul you in.”

Student (goes, but returns after a few steps):—“Now listen; I have another question. May I call a donkey a Nachtwächter?”

Nachtwächter:—“You may, for all I care!”

Student:—“Well then, good-night, Herr Nachtwächter!”

He Had the Watch

Student:—“What time is it?”

Pawnbroker:—“Did you waken me in the middle of the night to ask me that?”

Student:—“Why of course, you’ve got my watch!”

Knew His Father

Professor:—“Well, young man, if your father should borrow a thousand marks, promising to pay them back in yearly instalments of two hundred and fifty marks, how much money would he still owe at the end of three years?”

“A thousand marks.”

“Why, my dear sir, you don’t even know the rudiments of arithmetic.”

“Possibly not; but I know my father.”

An Acquired Taste

Student:—“Have you heard the latest news? Mischler’s brewery has burned down!”

Innkeeper:—“How was that possible, with so much material on hand to quench fire?”

Student:—“I can easily explain that. When the flames began to lick the beer, they found they liked it.”

Twice Fetched

Student (coming home in the evening):—“Has my overcoat been fetched, Frau Muller?”

Landlady:—“Oh yes; twice.”

Student:—“How is that?”

Landlady:—“Well, you see, first I fetched it from the tailor, and afterwards the sheriff fetched it from your room.”

The Tell-tale Ticket

The end of the term has arrived. Freshman Muller has managed, by coaxing all his uncles and aunts, to scrape enough capital together, to rescue his dress suit and overcoat from the pawnshop and is now on his way home. The following morning, when the first joy of having him at home again has subsided, his mother begins to look over his clothes. She finds in his overcoat the ominous pawnshop number, and sending for her son, she asks sharply:

“What does this number mean?”

“Why, at the last University ball I left the coat in the dressing-room, and I suppose they stuck the number on.”

Only half satisfied with this explanation, his mother dismisses him, but soon after sends for him once more.

“Now then, I wish to know if you left your trousers also in the dressing-room at that last ball?”

Wonderful Knowledge

Professor:—“What causes the Northern Light?”

Student (embarrassed):—“I did know it perfectly well, but have forgotten it again.”

Professor:—“What an enormous loss for science! You are the only human being who knew it once, and you had to forget it!”

Coffee Not Education

Porter (to a lot of students who at an early morning hour, noisily demand admission into a closed café):—“Gentlemen, you want to have education?”

Students:—“No, coffee!”

An Apt Retort

Professor (very angry):—“You are the biggest fool here!”

Student (excited):—“Sir! You are forgetting yourself.”

The Other Side

“Is this the famous Kohlenberg?” asked a stranger of a student whom he met while ascending it.

“Yes, sir, very famous and very interesting.”

“Would you have the kindness to tell me,” said the stranger, “whether there are any legends or other dreadful tales associated with this mountain?”

“A whole lot, sir, only recently two young men went up on this side and never came back.”

“Horrible! What became of them?”

“Why, they went down on the other side.”

His Occasional Look

In the waiting-room of a small railway station, a crowd of noisy young fellows were making fun of a student, who was walking impatiently up and down, but stopped from time to time to look into the mirror. At last the noisiest of the crowd called out:

“Say, are you in love with yourself, that you look into that glass so often?”

“I only want a look at a gentleman now and then,” was the student’s calm reply.

The Fifth Drink

Student:—“I drink too much! Why, mother, as a good son, I could not sleep without having drunk your health. Now the first glass is for the alma mater; the second, for the professors; the third, for science in general and my special study; the fourth, I must drink to father’s health, so it’s only the fifth that I can drain in your honor!”

A New Treatment

Professor:—“How do you treat the epidemic diseases prevalent at the present time?”

Student:—“I treat them with the greatest contempt.”

An Ambiguous Amendment

While the cholera was raging at M——, the police issued an order that everybody who went home after ten o’clock at night, must do so without making any noise whatever, or pay a fine of five gulden. One night several students who had sat over their beer too long, went home late, singing lustily. The nightwatchman at once accosted them, and asked whether they had not read the order that everybody must go home without singing or making any other noise?

“Of course we have read it,” said one of the students, drily, “but we are not going home.” This quick-witted answer confused the worthy watchman, and he let them go. Next day the following amendment was read under the order: “Nobody is permitted to sing or make any noise on the street at night, whether they are going home or not.”

A Repetition by Request

A student who had failed in his final examination at the University, returned home. At dinner his father asked how his examinations went.

“So well, that at general request, I have to go all through them again shortly.”

He Drank Beer

Professor (examining a student):—“And how do you guard yourself against impure water?”

Student:—“First, I boil it; secondly, I filter it!”

Professor:—“And thirdly?”

Student:—“I drink beer.”

One Was Enough

“You are engaged to be married to one of your fellow-students, Suffel?”

“Oh, yes; one of us is sure to pass the examination, and that is enough.”

Preferred Something Stronger

Gentleman:—“Don’t you drink water?”

Student:—“Never; I tried it once, and almost drowned.”

Two Alike

Among students. “What a spendthrift that Spund is! Day before yesterday was the ‘First,’ and when I wanted to borrow from him to-day, he hadn’t a pfennig.”

Ridiculous Idea

Father (to his son, an extravagant student):—“What? You want to start a coin collection? That looks to me about as funny as it would if our poodle started a sausage collection!”

Double Dodging

1st Student:—“Where do you have your clothes made, Spund?”

2d Student:—“Meyer and Strauss.”

1st Student:—“I should never get a double firm to work for me. Instead of having to dodge only one creditor, you have to dodge two.”

With Intent

Student:—“Grandmother, you must have been a beautiful girl once!”

Grandmother (taking her pocketbook from her pocket):—“How much do you want for your bout to-night, you rascal?”

She Knew Students

Student (renting a room):—“Shall I pay the rent in advance, Frau Muller?”

Landlady:—“No, never mind; I’ll save you the trouble of having to borrow it again from me.”

Impossible

Fräulein:—“... And you risked your life gathering those Alpine roses for me? Now just tell the truth, you bought them?”

Student:—“Oh, but gracious Fräulein, how could I—at the end of the month?”

Was Prepared

Uncle (before examination):—“Are you prepared, Karl?”

Student:—“Oh yes, for the worst.”

Worse Than He First Thought

Student (at a tavern hunting for his overcoat):—“My overcoat has been stolen! Well, the thing isn’t worth much. Luckily the tailor has not been paid yet, but there were fifty pfennigs in the pocket! It’s a perfect outrage!”