CHAPTER VII
_For and About Travelers, Tourists, and Summer Boarders_
At the Railway Station
L:—“Ah, how do you do, my dear sir; where do you come from?”
D:—“From Karlsbad.”
L:—“Well, how did the waters agree with you?”
D:—“Not very well. I was there six weeks and am still as stout as ever. Towards the last I drank fourteen cups of water a day, and still did not lose anything to speak of.”
L:—“You should have gone to Wiesbaden. I was there only two days, didn’t drink anything, and yet lost everything.”
Why He Curtained the Window
Tourist (to hotelkeeper):—“Will you tell me why you curtained the window of my room from the outside?”
Host:—“Excuse me, sir, but you wanted a cheap room, without a view; and as I had only this one with a view, but could not rent that at your price, we just put the curtain on the outside.”
No Cause for Alarm
Stranger (at a mountain tavern):—“Say, mine host, what is that dreadful rumbling noise above?”
Host:—“Dear me, I suppose the tavern is going to tumble down; it’s very rickety. But that’s nothing. If it doesn’t kill us, we’ll build a new one next year, and will hope to see you and your friends.”
Sticking to the Date
Official (to conductor, who is hours behind with his train):—“What made you so late?”
Conductor:—“We don’t run by hours and minutes, we just stick to the date!”
A Tough Parrot
A gentleman farmer, from Pomerania, visited Vienna. At a bird dealer’s, a talking parrot excited his greatest admiration. He paid two hundred gulden for him and had him sent home to his friend Gela. After his return he called on him and of course asked for the parrot. “Oh,” said his friend, “many thanks for your kind attention. He was a little tough, though.”
“What? the parrot?”
“Certainly, he had to be cooked for six hours.”
“What? Did you cook that parrot?”
“Why of course we did.”
“Gela, you are a fool. That was a trained bird; he could talk.”
“Well, why didn’t he say so?”
Always Demonstrating
Professor (on his wedding tour in the mountains):—“Don’t go too near that precipice, Elise, you might fall down.”
Young wife (laughing):—“Oh no, I should take hold of that pine tree there.”
Professor:—“That is a fir tree, my dear! Just see how careless you are! You would take hold of a pine tree and when you got there, there would not be one to hold onto!”
Characteristics of European Capitals
C. M. Oettinger gives in his magazine a humorous and striking characteristic of the European capitals. Amsterdam trades; Aachen conspires; Berlin talks fashions; Brussels debates; Dresden wonders; Dublin begs; Edinburgh dreams; Florence stares; Frankfort counts; Genoa laughs; Hamburg eats; Hanover sleeps; Cassel snores; Constantinople bathes; Copenhagen adorns; Leipzig reads (but only the newspaper); Lisbon works; Madrid smokes; Mainz waits for the Cardinal; Manchester packs; Mannheim swears; Marseilles sings; Munich drinks beer; Naples perspires; Palermo fans; Paris chats; Pesth talks; St. Petersburg is silent; Rome prays; Stockholm is having a good time; Turin dresses up; Venice loves; Warsaw sighs; Vienna digests.
That Depends
Lady (at a mountain resort):—“As a member of the Alpine Club, you can tell me, I suppose, how many feet this mountain is above the level of the sea?”
Gentleman:—“That—that is difficult to ascertain, as the height changes with the tide.”
On a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms
Stranger (who sees the Rhine for the first time and has been told that the famous Rhine wine comes from these parts):—“Ah, how delighted I am to see this great river, from which they make that fine Rhine wine you get here!”
Effective
1st letter. Wife (from a summer resort):—“How I long for a few lines from your hand!” (No answer.)
2d letter. “I am very much worried about you, do write!” (No answer.)
3d letter. “I am devoured with anxiety about you; it will kill me!” (No answer.)
4th letter. “If I do not hear from you by to-morrow, I shall come home!”
Telegram. “Stay where you are. I am well and happy! Your husband.”
Counted Everything Twice
Guest (to his host):—“Look here, Herr Ochsenwirth, my bill cannot possibly be so much. There must be a mistake.”
Host:—“Not possible, sir, since I counted everything twice.”
She Struck It
Tourist (to a farmer’s wife):—“Well, my good woman, where is your husband to-day? Isn’t he at home?”
“No, he’s up on the Alps.”
“Aren’t you afraid to be all alone?”
“Goodness no! I am always glad when he is gone, then I have some peace!”
“But, my dear woman, you ought not to say that! Man and wife belong together. I am always glad when my wife is at home.”
“Yes, while you are gadding about!”
Constant Change
Stranger:—“How high is this mountain?”
Guide:—“My father always said eight thousand five hundred feet. But you can’t depend upon that; father died thirty-eight years ago, and since that time lots of things have changed.”
On the Alps
“Look here, guide; on that signpost down below, it says it takes one hour to come up here, and it has taken us almost three!”
“I know that, but if we put that on the signpost not a decent feller would come up here.”
A Striking Resemblance
Countess (who has returned to her estate in the mountains for the summer):—“Well, Sepp, are you all glad to see me back again?”
Sepp:—“Oh my, yes! When you are not here the castle looks to us like an Alp without the cattle.”
How to Secure Notoriety
Stranger:—“Why don’t you put a railing along this dreadful abyss?”
Guide:—“Well, you know the more strangers that fall down there, the more famous the abyss becomes!”
Complimentary
Captain (to ladies on a steamer):—“Ladies, please do not look so long at the compass, your magnetic eyes will spoil the course!”
Running Water
Summer boarder:—“You said you had running water in the yard, but I can see only a pump.”
Farmer:—“You just pull a little and it runs!”
A Scarcity of Something
Traveler:—“Milk must be very scarce around here that you ask so much for it?”
Hostess:—“The milk is not scarce at all, sir, but travelers are!”
Ruin Enough
Wife (at a watering place):—“Well, dear Emil, shall we stay here on the promenade or climb up to the ruin?”
Husband:—“What should I climb up to the ruin for? To have to stay here four weeks is ruin enough for me!”
Flooded
A lady who had been to Italy for the first time was asked, after her return, how she liked Venice. “Oh, quite well,” she answered, “I was only unfortunate in finding the whole place flooded.”
Marking the Spot
She (in a railway carriage):—“Why, Albert, what are you doing there? You are cutting into the window sill!”
He:—“I’m only marking the place where we had the most beautiful view.”
A Drawback to Wealth
“But mamma, why are we so afraid of a thunder-storm? The other people on the beach don’t seem to be frightened. No others are running home as we are!”
“Why, child, those are poor people. They don’t draw the lightning as we do, who always have a lot of gold and silver about us.”
Appreciative Tourist
“Have you been away during vacation, Doctor?”
“Yes, I was in Thüringen, gracious Frau, in Eisenach, and on the memorable Wartburg.”
“On the Wartburg! Ah, I remember; isn’t that where they have the beautiful waiting-rooms?”
Prays for All Poor Sinners
“Where are you going, Rosel?”
“To mass.”
“Do you pray there for everybody, myself included?”
“Oh yes, your Honor; I pray for all poor sinners.”
What a Pity
Owner of a villa:—“What do you think of these pine woods—this spicy odor! You have, perhaps, a consumptive in your family?”
Gentleman:—“No, thank God!”
Owner:—“What a pity!”
The Altitude of the Depth
Guide (descending with a party into a deep abyss):—“So, now around the corner, and a few hundred feet further down. Then we will have reached the altitude of the depth!”
Couldn’t Hear the Waterfall
Guide:—“When the ladies are through talking, your Honor will be able to hear the waterfall over there!”
Beautiful Sunsets
Stranger:—“You are a happy people up here in the mountains; you always have the beautiful spectacle of the rising and setting sun before you!”
Farmer:—“Yes; but excuse me, doesn’t that happen in the city, too?”
Soft and Tender
Clerk (on the Rigi):—“Gracious, how this glorious sunset makes a fellow feel soft and tender. Just now they are closing the offices at home in Frankfort!”
Misunderstood
Physician (to a newly-arrived guest at a water-cure):—“The nature of your illness requires that you follow the rules here strictly. Drink three glasses of water every morning; after each glass, walk for half an hour. Exercise is the main thing. Strict diet’! Three cigars a day: one after breakfast, one after dinner, one after supper. Come to see me again in three days.”
Physician (after three days):—“Well, how does the cure agree with you?”
Guest:—“Thank you, Doctor; so far, quite well. If I only did not feel so sick afterwards.”
Physician:—“Feel sick? After what? Doesn’t the water agree with you?”
Guest:—“Oh yes, that isn’t it, but the cigars—I never smoked before!”
The East Wind
Guide:—“Yes, sir; it is an immense advantage to us that we nearly always have an east wind.”
Stranger:—“Is that statistic?”
Guide:—“I have kept an account of it for years.”
Stranger:—“But pardon me, if you will look at the weather vane on that tower you will see that the wind is west.”
Guide:—“Oh, well, that’s the east wind coming back.”
Frozen Music
Banker:—“If architecture is said to be frozen music, what would you call a Sennhütte?” (a hut on the Alps).
Professor:—“Why, a frozen Schnadahüpfel (senner’s song), my dear friend!”
Need Not be Told
Nervous lady (to the boatman before the famous echo on the Königssee):—“Won’t you please tell me when they are going to shoot?”
Boatman:—“You’ll hear it soon enough, I won’t have to tell you first!”
Cheap Pleasure
A:—“I can’t understand why people always complain about mountain excursions being so expensive. I just took a two days’ trip again, and except for a bowl of milk, I didn’t spend a cent.”
B:—“What are you giving me, why you must have starved!”
A:—“Why of course not. I had a cold roast goose, a dozen hard-boiled eggs, a piece of ham, and two bottles of wine, with me. You don’t starve on that!”
No Need of Cows
Stranger (to his host, a peasant on the Alps):
“Your butter is certainly very poor.”
“If you please, it’s our own butter!”
“Why, you just told me you had sold all your cows.”
“Does the gentleman think we are so far behind the times, that we need cows to make our own butter?”
Had His Choice
Guide (on the summit of the Alps):—“Look out, your Honor; if you fall down backward, you will be buried at Partenkirchen; and if you fall forward, at Lermos!”
A New Driver
Tourist (to guide):—“What will the team cost for the trip?”
“Seven gulden.”
“That is too much. Here in my Bädeker it says: Trip including a tip, five gulden.”
“Well, then you just let Bädeker drive you!”
Wanted a Cheap Bath
Economical stranger (at a bathing establishment):—“How much do you charge for a bath?”
Cashier:—“One mark.”
Stranger:—“Couldn’t you fix one for me for half a mark? You might give me a little less water!”
At Home on the Lake
Stranger (on the lake):—“You had better row ashore, my man; the waves are getting very high; the boat might upset, and I should be lost!”
Boatman:—“You need not be afraid, sir; I am at home on the water. A stranger was drowned here only last week, but we found his body the very next day.”
Imported Air
“I am surprised that the air in this miserable town is so fine! I wonder how it is!”
“That comes from the quantity of Swiss cheese that’s consumed here!”
“Why, what has that to do with it?”
“Well, just think what immense quantities of Swiss air are imported yearly, in the pores of that cheese!”
A New Flavor
Guest:—“I had two portions of coffee for breakfast; how much?”
Waiter:—“Beg pardon, sir, did you have it with or without sunrise?”
A Matter of Looks
A guest comes to a country tavern and asks for a glass of beer and a piece of cheese. As the latter does not look very appetizing, he calls the host and asks him to bring a nicer piece. He simply turns the slice over, so that the better looking side is turned up and says: “There you are!”
Flattered
Author (at a mountain inn, reading a fresh newspaper, left by a newcomer):—“... What! the King of Haïti is thinking of getting married?... Hm, hm! I wonder if he has read my article on the necessity of marrying!”