CHAPTER II

_Humor of the Seventeenth Century_

The Farmer’s Belief

A farmer went to confession and the priest asked him if he knew anything about the Trinity. The good man knew nothing about it. The priest did his best to explain it to him and at last said: “My good friend, to make it still plainer to you, imagine yourself God the Father, respect your son as if he were the Son of God, and take your wife to be the Holy Ghost. Now remember, you three are as one. You are one household and live together; that makes a trinity.” With this the good man went home.

A year later, he came again to confess. The priest asked him at once whether he believed now in a trinity. “No,” said the farmer, “I only believe in the first two, the Father and the Son, in those two I believe firmly. In the Holy Ghost I don’t believe at all; for everything that the Father and the Son gain by hard, heavy labor, the Holy Ghost squanders and spends.” The priest had to give up trying to enlighten the good farmer. He absolved him and let him depart.

The Monk’s Trick

A nobleman was walking across the country with a barefooted monk. They came to a brook and found the bridge had disappeared. The nobleman asked the monk, as he was without shoes, to carry him across. The monk did so, but when they were in the middle of the brook he asked the nobleman if he had any money with him. He answered: “Yes.”—“Oh,” said the monk, “we are forbidden to carry money,” and dropped the nobleman into the brook.

A Brief Sermon

A priest who had not studied much, came into the pulpit and said: “I will briefly speak of three things to-day. The first I know, and you do not. The second you know, and I do not. The third none of us knows. That my trousers are torn, I know. Whether you are going to give me a new pair, you know. Our sexton had a fresh barrel of beer put in; but whether that beer is good, none of us knows; so come along and let us taste it.”

A Bright Reply

Three young noblemen were riding by a field in which a farmer was working among his cabbages. They rode up to him, and one said: “My good man, what will you give us, if we prove to you that you are a cabbage?” The farmer answered: “Nothing, for I can do those tricks as well as you. Now I can prove to you, that your saddles are mules.” At this the young sparks shouted with laughter and said: “Well, tell us all about it.” The farmer answered: “Why, all my life, I have known that anything between a horse and an ass has been called a mule.”

A Large Recipe

A good but stupid countryman stopped with his farm wagon before a drug-store in the town, and began to unload a big, heavy door. The druggist, much surprised, said: “What do you want with that here? The carpenter lives over there.” Said the farmer: “It is all right. My wife is ill, the doctor has been to see her and wrote the prescription with chalk on this door, as we had no pen and ink. Now, sir, please make it up. I am in a great hurry.”

A Trapful

“Once I caught in my trap a wild duck, a fox, and a nine pound carp.”

“How did it happen?”

“Near the pond, a fox saw a duck; he sneaked up to catch her. Springing at her, he caught her by the wing, but the duck managed to get into the water. The fox holding on to her wing followed her; but a big carp swam up behind and bit him in his leg. The fox closes his claws so tight on the carp that it cannot get away again. Now the trap was close by, and the duck fluttered into it. The fox not willing to lose her, follows in and pulls the carp after him.”

His Turn

A woman whose little child would not go to sleep at night, wakened her husband, to take his turn for a while in nursing it, as it was as much his part as hers. “You are right,” said the husband, turning on his other side, “you rock your part, I’ll let mine scream.”

A Sympathetic Parson

A parson preached in Holy week so touchingly about the Lord’s suffering, that the whole congregation began to sob. Then the minister, who was a very tender-hearted man and did not like to see anybody weep, said: “My dear friends, be comforted; it all happened so long ago, who knows whether it is true.”

Delayed Justice

Once a farmer complained to his minister, that his landlord persecuted him most shamefully. The parson comforted the farmer saying: “The pitcher goes to the well until it breaks; and if he does not get his just punishment in this world he will surely suffer all the more in the next.” Answered the farmer: “Yes, but if the rascal repents on his deathbed, what then?”

Luck

The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining the miracles, and finally asked a boy: “Jacob, your father is a roofer. What would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had fallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?”

“Luck.”

“So, luck? But if you came home a second time and heard the same thing?”

“An accident.”

“But the third time?”

“A lie, sir.”

Somewhat Mixed

An amiable host had to send late at night for a carriage to take home his four friends, who had taken too much of his wine. He gave the driver the street and house number of each one, and went to bed. He was in his first sleep when his door-bell was rung violently.

“What is the matter?” he called from his window, seeing that the carriage with his guests had returned.

“Oh, sir,” cries the driver, “please sort them out once more for me; they got all mixed up!”

The Wrong Man

A monk, a farmer, and a barber met on a journey. At night they went into a tavern, but when it was time to go to sleep the barber said: “Listen, friends, to me; this place looks suspicious. I hope they won’t rob us in the night.”

“Yes,” assented the monk, “I don’t feel easy about it either; but what can we do? We can’t sit here all night, we are all three dog-tired.”

“Oh, I know what we can do,” answered the barber. “One of us must watch while the others sleep. We will draw lots who shall be first, second, and third watch.”

The monk and the farmer agreed to this. Lots were drawn, and the barber was to watch first, the farmer second, and the monk last. The barber kept watch faithfully, and after he had done everything to keep awake he took from his bundle his scissors and other tools and soaped the farmer’s head and then shaved it as bald as the monk’s. When his time was up he shook the farmer and called: “Get up, man, it is your turn now!”

The farmer awoke, but when, still stupid with sleep, he put his hand to his head and found no hair, he grew angry and cried: “What a fool that barber is; he was to waken me, and he has wakened the monk instead.”

The Rogue’s Coat

A hypocrite came into a shop where clothes were sold, and asked for a coat. Different kinds were shown to him, but none pleased him. “I need one that is black on one side and white on the other, but of the same material on both sides.”

“Strange,” said the merchant; “by your face I judge you to be an honest man, and yet you ask—how shall I express it?—well, frankly, for a rogue’s coat.”

“But, my goodness!” replied the buyer, smilingly, “don’t you know at all in what kind of a world we are living? You can’t get along with one coat. The pulpit demands one kind, the court-house another, the café another, the office another, the platform another, the assembly another, the bedroom another. If you meet ten people within five minutes it is possible that you will have to turn your coat ten times.”

“That may be,” murmured the merchant, a simple, honest German, “but if the devil gets you in a black coat, what good will a white one do you?”

His Wiser Half

A man had loaned to another fifty gulden, but having a poor memory he had forgotten who had borrowed it. He was much worried about it and told his wife. She was clever, as all women are, and told him what to do. “Go, to-morrow morning early, through the town,” said she, “and whenever a friend or acquaintance bids you good day, answer, ‘Thank you, but I would rather have ready money.’”

“I’ll do it,” said he man, and went out early next morning. Everybody took his answer for fun, until he met his debtor.

“This is an insult,” said he. “I don’t care to owe anything to anybody who reminds me of it in such a rude way,” and gave the money back at once.

Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen

“When at last my parents gave their consent to my traveling, my uncle took me on a trip to Ceylon. Our vessel arrived there after a stormy voyage of six weeks. About two weeks after our arrival the Governor’s son asked me to go hunting with him. I accepted the invitation. Now my friend was a big, strong man, used to the heat, but I, unused to it, soon grew tired and lagged behind.

“I was just going to sit down by the shore of a raging river, when I heard a noise behind me on the road. I looked back and saw an immense lion coming towards me, who plainly indicated that he meant to make his breakfast off me, without waiting even to ask my permission. My gun was loaded only with shot. I had no time to think, and in my confusion I determined to fire at the beast in the hope of frightening him away. But in my anxiety I did not wait until the lion came within the range of my gun. The noise made him furious, and he came at me with a rush. More from instinct than sober reflection, I turned to run, but—even now it makes me shudder to think of it—a few feet from me stood a horrible crocodile, with mouth wide open, ready to swallow me.

“Just imagine, gentlemen, the frightful position I was in! Behind me the lion, before me the crocodile, to my left a raging river, to my right an abyss, in whose depths, as I afterwards learned, the most poisonous snakes abounded. Almost fainting I dropped to the ground. In a few moments I heard a loud, strange noise. When at last I dared to raise my head to look around, what do you think had happened? The immense force with which the lion jumped, the moment I dropped to the ground, had carried him over and beyond me, straight into the crocodile’s open mouth. The head of the one stuck in the throat of the other, and they fought with all their might to get away from each other. I sprang up just in time, drew my hunting knife and, with one stroke, severed the lion’s head, the body falling at my feet. Then I took my gun and rammed the head down further into the crocodile’s throat, choking him to death.

“Soon after I had gained this great victory over two terrible foes, my friend returned to see what had become of me. After congratulations we measured the crocodile and found his length to be forty feet, seven inches.

“As soon as we had told this extraordinary adventure to the Governor, he sent several men with a wagon to fetch the two animals to his house.

“From the lion’s skin I had a furrier make tobacco pouches, some of which I presented to my friends. The crocodile was stuffed and mounted, and is now one of the greatest curiosities of the museum at Amsterdam.”

Munchhausen’s Partridges

“One day I went into the woods to try a new gun, and had used up all my ammunition when a covey of partridges rose from almost under my feet. The desire to have a few of them on my dinner table that night gave me a bright idea. As soon as I saw where the birds lit, I loaded my gun, but instead of shot I put in the ramrod, which I had pointed at the upper end as well as I could in a hurry. Then I went towards the birds, pulled the trigger as they flushed, and had the pleasure of seeing seven spitted on my ramrod. As I tell you, gentlemen, there is nothing like being able to help oneself.”

Munchhausen’s Black Fox

“Another time, in a forest in Russia, I came across a magnificent black fox. Shooting him would never do, as it would spoil his beautiful fur. Now, Mr. Fox stood close to a tree. Instantly I took the bullet from my gun and put in its place a large nail, fired, and hit him so skilfully that his tail was nailed to the tree. I went quietly up to him, took my hunting-knife, made a cross cut over his face, took my whip and beat him out of his beautiful fur so nicely that it was a joy and a real wonder to see.”