Part 9

_Fal._ No gibes now _Pistoll:_ indeed I am two yards In the wast, but now I am about no wast: Briefly, I am about thrift you rogues you, I do intend to make loue to Foords wife, I espie entertainment in her. She carues, she 40 Discourses. She giues the lyre of inuitation, And euery part to be constured rightly is, I am Syr _Iohn Falstaffes_.

_Pis._ Hee hath studied her well, out of honestie Into English. 45

_Fal._ Now the report goes, she hath all the rule Of her husbands purse. She hath legians of angels.

_Pis._ As many diuels attend her. And to her boy say I.

_Fal._ Heree’s a Letter to her. Heeres another to misteris _Page_. 50 Who euen now gaue me good eies too, examined my exteriors with such a greedy intention, with the beames of her beautie, that it seemed as she would a scorged me vp like a burning glasse. Here is another Letter to her, shee beares the purse too. They shall be Excheckers to me, and Ile be cheaters to them both. They shall be my East 55 and West Indies, and Ile trade to them both. Heere beare thou this Letter to mistresse _Foord_. And thou this to mistresse _Page_. Weele thriue Lads, we will thriue.

_Pist._ Shall I sir Panderowes of _Troy_ become? And by my sword were steele. 60 Then Lucifer take all.

_Nym._ Here, take your humor Letter againe, For my part, I will keepe the hauior Of reputation. And theres the humor of it.

_Fal._ Here sirrha beare me these Letters titely, 65 Saile like my pinnice to the golden shores: Hence slaues, avant. Vanish like hailstones, goe. _Falstaffe_ will learne the humor of this age, French thrift you rogue, my selfe and scirted Page.

_Exit Falstaffe, and the Boy._

_Pis._ And art thou gone? Teaster Ile haue in pouch 70 When thou shalt want, bace Phrygian Turke,

_Nym._ I haue operations in my head, which are humors of reuenge.

_Pis._ Wilt thou reuenge?

_Nym._ By _Welkin_ and her Fairies. 75

_Pis._ By wit, or sword?

_Nym._ With both the humors I will disclose this loue to _Page_. He poses him with Iallowes, And theres the humor of it.

_Pis._ And I to Foord will likewise tell 80 How _Falstaffe_ varlot vilde, Would haue her loue, his doue would proue, And eke his bed defile.

_Nym._ Let vs about it then.

_Pis._ He second thee: sir Corporall _Nym_ troope on. 85

_Exit omnes._

NOTES: SCENE III

60: _were_] _we are._

_Enter Mistresse _Quickly_, and _Simple_._ [SC. IV.]

_Quic._ M. _Slender_ is your masters name say you?

_Sim._ I indeed that is his name.

_Quic._ How say you? I take it hee is somewhat a weakly man: And he has as it were a whay coloured beard.

_Sim._ Indeed my maisters beard is kane colored. 5

_Quic._ Kane colour, you say well. And is this Letter from sir _You_, about misteris _An_, Is it not?

_Sim._ I indeed is it.

_Quic._ So: and your Maister would haue me as it twere to speak 10 to misteris _Anne_ concerning him: I promise you my M. hath a great affectoned mind to mistresse _Anne_ himselfe. And if he should know that I should as they say, giue my verdit for any one but himselfe, I should heare of it throughly: For I tell you friend, he puts all his priuities in me. 15

_Sim._ I by my faith you are a good staie to him.

_Quic._ Am I? I and you knew all yowd say so: Washing, brewing, baking, al goes through my hands, Or else it would be but a woe house.

_Sim._ I beshrow me, one woman to do all this, 20 Is very painfull.

_Quic._ Are you auised of that? I, I warrant you, Take all, and paie all, all goe through my hands, And he is such a honest man, and he should chance To come home and finde a man here, we should 25 Haue no who with him. He is a parlowes man.

_Sim._ Is he indeed?

_Quic._ Is he, quoth you? God keepe him abroad: Lord blesse me, who knocks there? For Gods sake step into the Counting-house, 30 While I go see whose at doore.

_He steps into the Counting-house._

What _Iohn Rugby_, _Iohn_, Are you come home sir alreadie?

_And she opens the doore._

_Doct._ _I_ begar _I_ be forget mine oyntment, Where be _Iohn Rugby?_ 35

_Enter _Iohn_._

_Rug._ Here sir, do you call?

_Doct._ _I_ you be _Iohn Rugbie_, and you be _Iack Rugby_ Goe run vp met your heeles, and bring away De oyntment in the vindoe present: Make haste _Iohn Rugbie_. O _I_ am almost forget 40 My simples in a boxe in de Counting-house: O {I}eshu vat be here, a deuella, a deuella? My Rapier _Iohn Rugby_, Vat be you, vat make You in my Counting-house? _I_ tinck you be a teefe. 45

_Quic._ {I}eshu blesse me, we are all vndone.

_Sim._ O Lord sir no: _I_ am no theefe, _I_ am a Seruingman: My name is _Iohn Simple_, _I_ brought a Letter sir From my M. _Slender_, about misteris _Anne Page_ 50 Sir: {I}ndeed that is my comming.

_Doct._ _I_ begar is dat all? _Iohn Rugby_ giue a ma pen An {I}nck: tarche vn pettit tarche a little.

_The Doctor writes._

_Sim._ O God what a furious man is this?

_Quic._ Nay it is well he is no worse: 55 _I_ am glad he is so quiet.

_Doc._ Here giue that same to sir _Hu_, it ber ve chalenge Begar tell him _I_ will cut his nase, will you?

_Sim._ _I_ sir, {I}le tell him so.

_Doc._ Dat be vell, my rapier _Iohn Rugby_, follow may. 60

_Exit Doctor._

_Quic._ Well my friend, _I_ cannot tarry, tell your Maister {I}le doo what I can for him, And so farewell.

_Sim._ Marry will I, I am glad I am got hence.

_Exit omnes._

NOTES: SCENE IV

24: _and_] _if._ 26: _who_] _hoe._ 31: _doore_] _the doore._

_Enter Mistresse _Page_, reading of a Letter._ [SC. V.]

_Mis. Pa._ Mistresse Page _I_ loue you. Ask me no reason, Because theyr impossible to alledge. Your faire, And _I_ am fat. You loue sack, so do _I_: As _I_ am sure _I_ haue no mind but to loue, So _I_ know you haue no hart but to grant 5 A souldier doth not vse many words where a knowes A letter may serue for a sentence. _I_ loue you, And so _I_ leaue you. _Yours Syr Iohn Falstaffe._

Now Ieshu blesse me, am I methomorphised? 10

I think I knowe not my selfe. Why what a Gods name doth this man see in me, that thus he shootes at my honestie? Well but that I knowe my owne heart, I should scarcely perswade my selfe I were hand. Why what an vnreasonable woolsack is this. He was neuer twice in my companie, and if then I thought I gaue such assurance 15 with my eies, Ide pull them out, they should neuer see more holie daies. Well, I shall trust fat men the worse while I liue for his sake. O God, that I knew how to be reuenged of him. But in good time, heeres mistresse _Foord_.

_Enter Mistresse _Foord_._

_Mis. For._ How now mistris _Page_, are you are reading Loue 20 letters? How do you woman?

_Mis. Pa._ O woman I am I know not what: In loue vp to the hard eares. I was neuer in such a case in my life.

_Mis. Ford._ In loue, now in the name of God with whom?

_Mis. Pa._ With one that sweares he loues me, 25 And I must not choose but do the like againe: I prethie looke on that Letter.

_Mis. For._ He match your letter iust with the like, Line for line, word for word. Onely the name Of misteris _Page_, and misteris _Foord_ disagrees: 30 Do me the kindnes to looke vpon this.

_Mis. Pa._ Why this is right my letter. O most notorious villaine! Why what a bladder of iniquity is this? Lets be reuenged what so ere we do. 35

_Mis. For._ Reuenged, if we liue weel be reuenged. O Lord if my husband should see this Letter, Ifaith this would euen giue edge to his Iealousie.

_Enter Ford, Page, Pistoll, and Nym._

_Mis. Pa._ See where our husbands are, Mine’s as far from Iealousie, 40 As I am from wronging him.

_Pis._ _Ford_ the words I speake are forst: Beware, take heed, for _Falstaffe_ loues thy wife: When _Pistoll_ lies do this.

_Ford._ Why sir my wife is not young. 45

_Pis._ He wooes both yong and old, both rich and poore, None comes amis. I say he loues thy wife: Faire warning did I giue, take heed, For sommer comes, and cuckoo birds appeare; _Page_ belieue him what he ses. Away sir Corporal _Nym_. 50

_Exit Pistoll:_

_Nym._ Syr the humor of it is, he loues your wife, I should ha borne the humor Letter to her: I speake and I auouch tis true: My name is _Nym._ Farwell, I loue not the humor of bread and cheese: And theres the humor of it. 55

_Exit Nym._

_Pa._ The humor of it, quoth you: Heres a fellow frites humor out of his wits.

_Mis. Pa._ How now sweet hart, how dost thou?

_Enter Mistresse Quickly._

_Pa._ How now man? how do you mistris _Ford_?

_Mis. For._ Well I thanke you good M. _Page_. 60 How now husband, how chaunce thou art so melancholy?

_Ford._ Melancholy, I am not melancholy. Goe get you in, goe.

_Mis. For._ God saue me, see who yonder is: Weele set her a worke in this businesse. 65

_Mis Pa._ O sheele serue excellent. Now you come to see my daughter _An_ I am sure.

_Quic._ I forsooth that is my comming.

_Mis. Pa._ Come go in with me. Come Mis. _Ford_.

_Mis. For._ I follow you Mistresse _Page_. 70

_Exit Mistresse _Ford_, Mis. _Page_, and _Quickly_._

_For._ M. _Page_ did you heare what these fellows said?

_Pa._ Yes M. _Ford_, what of that sir?

_For._ Do you thinke it is true that they told vs?

_Pa._ No by my troth do I not, I rather take them to be paltry lying knaues, 75 Such as rather speakes of enuie, Then of any certaine they haue Of any thing. And for the knight, perhaps He hath spoke merrily, as the fashion of fat men Are: But should he loue my wife, 80 Ifaith Ide turne her loose to him: And what he got more of her, Then ill lookes, and shrowd words, Why let me beare the penaltie of it.

_For._ Nay I do not mistrust my wife, 85 Yet Ide be loth to turne them together, A man may be too confident.

_Enter Host and Shallow._

_Pa._ Here comes my ramping host of the garter, Ther’s either licker in his hed, or mony in his purse, That he lookes so merily. Now mine Host? 90

_Host._ God blesse you my bully rookes, God blesse you. Caualera Iustice I say.

_Shal._ At hand mine host, at hand. M. _Ford_. god den to you God den and twentie good M. _Page_. I tell you sir we haue sport in hand. 95

_Host._ Tell him cauelira Iustice: tell him bully rooke.

_Ford._ Mine Host a the garter:

_Host._ What ses my bully rooke?

_Ford._ A word with you sir.

_Ford and the Host talkes._

_Shal._ Harke you sir, Ile tell you what the sport shall be 100 Doctor Cayus and sir _Hu_ are to fight, My merrie Host hath had the measuring Of their weapons, and hath Appointed them contrary places. Harke in your eare:

_Host:_ Hast thou no shute against my knight, 105 My guest, my cauellira.

_For._ None I protest: But tell him my name Is _Rrooke_, onlie for a Iest.

_Host:_ Thy hand bully: thou shalt Haue egres and regres, and thy 110 Name shall be _Brooke:_ Sed I well bully Hector?

_Shal._ I tell you what M. _Page_, I beleeue The Doctor is no Iester, heele laie it on: For tho we be Iustices and Doctors, And Church men, yet we are 115 The sonnes of women M. _Page:_

_Pa:_ True maister _Shallow:_

_Shal:_ It will be found so maister _Page:_

_Pa._ Maister _Shallow_, you your selfe Haue bene a great fighter, 120 Though now a man of peace:

_Shal:_ M. _{P}age_, I haue seene the day that yong Tall fellowes with their stroke and their passado, I haue made them trudge Maister _Page_, A tis the hart, the hart doth all: I 125 Haue seene the day, with my two hand sword I would a made you foure tall Fencers Scipped like Rattes.

_Host._ Here boyes, shall we wag, shall we wag?

_Shal._ Ha with you mine host.

_Exit Host and Shallow._

_Pa._ Come M. _Ford_, shall we to dinner? I know these fellowes sticks in your minde.

_For._ No in good sadnesse, not in mine: Yet for all this Ile try it further, I will not leaue it so: 135 Come M. _{P}age_, shall we to dinner?

_Page._ With all my hart sir, {I}le follow you.

_Exit omnes._

NOTES: SCENE V

5: _grant_] _grant._ Halliwell. 15: _twice_] _but twice._ 31: _kindnes_] _kindness_ Halliwell. 61: _melancholy?_] _melancholy._ Halliwell. 93: _to you_] _t’ e._ 108: _Rrooke_] _Brooke._

_Enter Syr Iohn, and Pistoll._ [SC. VI.]

_Fal._ {I}le not lend thee a peny.

_Pis._ _I_ will retort the sum in equipage.

_Fal._ Not a pennie: _I_ haue beene content you shuld lay my countenance to pawne: _I_ haue grated vpon my good friends for 3 repriues, for you and your Coach-follow _Nym_, else you might a looked thorow 5 a grate like a geminy of babones. I am damned in hell for swearing to Gentlemen your good souldiers and tall fellowes: and when mistrisse _Briget_ lost the handle of her Fan, I tooked on my ho- thou hadst it not.

_Pis._ Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteene pence? 10

_Fal._ Reason you rogue, reason. Doest thou thinke {I}le indanger my soule gratis?

In briefe, hang no more about mee, I am no gybit for you. A short knife and a throng to your manner of pickt hatch, goe. Youle not beare a Letter for me you rogue you: you stand vpon your honor. 15 Why thou vnconfinable basenesse thou, tis as much as I can do to keepe the termes of my honor precise. I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of God on the left hand, am faine to shuffel, to filch and to lurch. And yet you stand vpon your honor, you rogue. You, you. 20

_Pis._ I do recant: what woulst thou more of man?

_Fal._ Well, gotoo, away, no more.

_Enter Mistresse Quickly._

_Quic._ Good you god den sir.

_Fal._ Good den faire wife.

_Quic._ Not so ant like your worship. 25

_Fal._ Faire mayd then.

_Quic._ That I am Ile be sworne, as my mother was The first houre I was borne. Sir I would speake with you in priuate.

_Fal._ Say on I prethy, heeres none but my owne houshold. 30

_Quic._ Are they so? Now God blesse them, and make them his seruants. Syr I come from Mistresse _Foord_.

_Fal._ So from Mistresse _Foord_. Goe on.

_Quic._ I sir, she hath sent me to you to let you 35 Vnderstand she hath receiued your Letter, And let me tell you, she is one stands vpon her credit.

_Fal._ Well, come Misteris _Ford_, Misteris _Ford_.

_Quic._ I sir, and as they say, she is not the first Hath bene led in a fooles paradice. 40

_Fal._ Nay prethy be briefe my good she _Mercury_.

_Quic._ Mary sir, sheed haue you meet her betweene eight and nine.

_Fal._ So betweene eight and nine:

_Qu._ I forsooth, for then her husband goes a birding, 45

_Fal._ Well commend me to thy mistris, tel her I will not faile her: Boy giue her my purse.

_Quic._ Nay sir I haue another arant to do to you From misteris _Page:_

_Fal._ From misteris _Page_? I prethy what of her? 50

_Qu._ By my troth _I_ think you work by {I}nchantments, Els they could neuer loue you as they doo:

_Fal._ Not _I_, _I_ assure thee; setting the attraction of my Good parts aside, _I_ vse no other inchantments:

_Quic._ Well sir, she loues you extreemly: 55 And let me tell you, shees one that feares God, And her husband giues her leaue to do all: For he is not halfe so iealousie as M. _Ford_ is.

_Fal._ But harke thee, hath misteris _Page_ and mistris _Ford_, Acquainted each other how dearly they loue me? 60

_Quic._ O God no sir: there were a iest indeed.

_Fal._ Well farwel, commend me to misteris _Ford_, I will not faile her say.

_Quic._ God be with your worship.

_Exit Mistresse Quickly._

_Enter Bardolfe._

_Bar._ Sir, heer’s a Gentleman, 65 One M. _Brooke_, would speak with you, He hath sent you a cup of sacke.

_Fal._ M. _Brooke_, hees welcome: bid him come vp, Such _Brookes_ are alwaies welcome to me: A _Iack_, will thy old bodie yet hold out? 70 Wilt thou after the expence of so much mony Be now a gainer? Good bodie _I_ thanke thee, And {I}le make more of thee then _I_ ha done: Ha, ha, misteris _Ford_, and misteris _Page_, haue _I_ caught you a the hip? go too. 75

_Enter _Foord_ disguised like _Brooke_._

_For._ God saue you sir.

_Fal._ And you too, would you speak with me?

_For._ Mary would _I_ sir, _I_ am somewhat bolde to trouble you, My name is _Brooke_.

_Fal._ Good M. _Brooke_ your verie welcome. 80

_For._ {I}faith sir _I_ am a gentleman and a traueller, That haue seen somewhat. And _I_ haue often heard That if mony goes before, all waies lie open.

_Fal._ Mony is a good souldier sir, and will on.

_For._ {I}faith sir, and _I_ haue a bag here, 85 Would you wood helpe me to beare it.

_Fal._ O Lord, would _I_ could tell how to deserue To be your porter.

_For._ That may you easily sir _Iohn:_ I haue an earnest Sute to you. But good sir _Iohn_ when I haue 90 Told you my griefe, cast one eie of your owne Estate, since your selfe knew what tis to be Such an offender.

_Fal._ Verie well sir, proceed.

_For._ Sir I am deeply in loue with one _Fords_ wife 95 Of this Towne. Now sir _Iohn_ you are a gentleman Of good discoursing, well beloued among Ladies, A man of such parts that might win 20. such as she.

_Fal._ O good sir.

_For._ Nay beleeue it sir _Iohn_, for tis time. Now my loue 100 Is so grounded vpon her, that without her loue I shall hardly liue.

_Fal._ Haue you importuned her by any means?

_Ford._ No neuer sir.

_Fal._ Of what qualitie is your loue then? 105

_Ford._ Ifaith sir, like a faire house set vpon Another mans foundation.

_Fal._ And to what end haue you vnfolded this to me?

_For._ O sir, when I haue told you that, I told you all: For she sir stands so pure in the firme state 110 Of her honestie, that she is too bright to be looked Against: Now could I come against her With some detection, I should sooner perswade her From her marriage vow, and a hundred such nice Tearmes that sheele stand vpon. 115

_Fal._ Why would it apply well to the veruensie of your affection, That another should possesse what you would enjoy? Meethinks you prescribe verie preposterously To your selfe.

_For._ No sir, for by that meanes should I be certaine of that 120 which I now misdoubt.

_Fal._ Wel M. _Brooke_, Ile first make bold with your mony, Next, giue me your hand. Lastly, you shall And you will, enioy _Fords_ wife.

_Foord._ O good sir. 125

_Fal._ M. _Brooke_, I say you shall.

_For._ Want no mony syr _Iohn_, you shall want none.

_Fal._ Want no misteris _Ford_ M. _Brooke_, You shall want none. Euen as you came to me, Her spokes mate, her go between parted from me: 130 I may tell you M. _Brooke_, I am to meet her Betweene 8 and 9, for at that time the Iealous Cuckally knaue her husband wil be from home, Come to me soone at night, you shall know how I speed M. _Brooke_. 135

_Ford._ Sir do you know _Ford?_

_Fal._ Hang him poore cuckally knaue, I know him not, And yet I wrong him to call him poore. For they Say the cuckally knaue hath legions of angels, For the which his wife seemes to me well fauored, 140 And Ile vse her as the key of the cuckally knaues Coffer, and there’s my randeuowes.

_Foord._ Meethinkes sir it were good that you knew _Ford_, that you might shun him.

_Fal._ Hang him cuckally knaue, Ile stare him 145 Out of his wits, Ile keepe him in awe With this my cudgell: It shall hang like a meator Ore the wittolly knaues head, M. _Brooke_ thou shalt See I will predominate ore the peasant, And thou shalt lie with his wife. M. _Brooke_ 150 Thou shalt know him for knaue and cuckold, Come to me soone at night.

_Exit Falstaffe._

_Ford._ What a damned epicurian is this? My wife hath sent for him, the plot is laid: _Page_ is an Asse, a foole. A secure Asse, 155 Ile sooner trust an Irishman with my Aquauita bottle, Sir _Hu_ our parson with my cheese, A theefe to walke my ambling gelding, then my wife With her selfe: then she plots, then she ruminates, And what she thinkes in her hart she may effect, 160 Sheele breake her hart but she will effect it. God be praised, God be praised for my iealousie: Well Ile go preuent him, the time drawes on, Better an houre too soone, then a minit too late, Gods my life cuckold, cuckold. 165

_Exit Ford._

NOTES: SCENE VI

7: _mistrisse_] _mistresse_ Halliwell. 8: _ho-_] _honesty._ 13: _A_] _I_ Halliwell. 37: _let me_] _I._ _stands vpon_] _that stands on._ 52: _they could_] _could they._ 58: _iealousie_] _iealous._ 72: _bodie_] _booty._ 75: _a the_] _ath the._ 124: _And_] _If._

_Enter the Doctor and his man._ [SC. VII.]

_Doc._ _Iohn Rugbie_ goe looke met your eies ore de stall, And spie and you can see de parson.

_Rug._ Sir I cannot tell whether he be there or no, But I see a great many comming.

_Doc._ Bully moy, mon rapier _Iohn Rugabie_, begar de 5 Hearing be not so dead as I shall make him.

_Enter Shallow, Page, my Host, and Slender._

_Pa._ God saue you M. Doctor _Cayus_.

_Shal._ How do you M. Doctor?

_Ho._ God blesse thee my bully doctor, God blesse thee,

_Doct._ Vat be all you, Van to tree come for, a? 10

_Host._ Bully to see thee fight, to see thee foine, to see thee trauerse, to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee passe the punto. The stock, the reuerse, the distance: the montnce is a dead my francoyes? Is a dead my Ethiopian? Ha, what ses my gallon? my escuolapis? Is a dead bullies taile, is a dead? 15

_Doct._ Begar de preest be a coward Iack knaue, He dare not shew his face.

_Host._ Thou art a castallian king vrinall. _Hector_ of _Greece_ my boy.

_Sha._ He hath showne himselfe the wiser man, M. Doctor: 20 Sir _Hugh_ is a parson, and you a Phisition. You must Goe with me, M. Doctor.

_Host._ Pardon bully Iustice. A word monsire mockwater.

_Doct._ Mockwater, vat me dat?

_Host._ That is in our English tongue, Vallor bully, vallor. 25