Part 12

"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:

"And now what have you to say?"

"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the scissors!"

SPEED

In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this statement:

"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We have had students who have written it in that length of time."

* * *

The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had been traveling in the South.

"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"

"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."

SPELLING

Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any

## particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he

could understand, the answer was:

"This here are Swum-swum Crick."

"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.

In the repetition, the words sounded like:

"This here are Swoovel Crick."

The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name of the Creek was spelled.

The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then spoke judicially:

"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my jedgmint thar are no propeer way."

* * *

The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man started his reply thus:

"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double----"

The clerk interrupted:

"Please, begin again."

The witness complied glibly:

"_O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double _o_----"

The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"

"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: _O_ double _t_, _i_ double _u_, _e_ double _l_, double _u_, double _o_, _d_."

SPINSTERHOOD

The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age.

"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"

"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think I'll ever get married."

A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt philosophical consolation:

"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'."

SPITE

The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.

"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day."

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.

"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.

"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."

"What! So soon after burying your wife?"

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:

"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."

SPORTSMANSHIP

In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:

"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"

"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."

SPRING

The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked one little boy about spring.

"What do we find in the spring, George?"

George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he at last said:

"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat, but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."

STAMMERING

On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it--a boy or a girl?"

"Tr-tr-tr--" the physician began stammeringly.

Peedle paled.

"Triplets! Merciful providence!"

"Qu-qu-qu--" spluttered the doctor.

Peedle paled some more.

"Quadruplets!" he moaned.

"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."

STYLE

Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:

"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."

"Self-starter?"

"You bet!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair.

"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?"

When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she continued brightly:

"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"

* * *

The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.

"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke with increased severity:

"Children, I must know who made the world!"

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"

SUPERMAN

It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:

"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."

Mrs. Gladstone beamed.

"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us all about it."

SUPERSTITION

The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.

"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight."

SUSPENSE

The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:

"Adored of my soul:--If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose."

She wore a yellow rose.

SUSPICION

The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.

"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy."

"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."

SYMPATHY

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was doing there.

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his stomach as he explained:

"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take to eatin' grass."

"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right into the back yard--the grass there is longer."

TACT

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.

"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

The senator explained suavely:

"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."

TALKING MACHINE

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper:

"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."

TAR AND FEATHERS

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.

"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."

TASTE

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was:

"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"

"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice--once when it went down, and once when it came up."

* * *

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.

* * *

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.

"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"

TEARS

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:

"You know it makes little girls homely."

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked:

"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

TENDER MEMORIES

"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?"

"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not."

TERMINOLOGY

When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning.

"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:

"It's the Lord, my boy!"

The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and permitted him to assist in serving the dinner that night. The youngster was sent to the bishop to offer a plate of cheese. With shaking knees, he presented the dish to the prelate, and faltered:

"My God, will you have some cheese?"

* * *

The master of the house returned from business somewhat early. He did not find his wife about, and so called downstairs to the cook:

"Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?"

"No, sor," Bridget answered, "Sure, I know nothin' but I'm thinkin', sor, it's likely they're in the wash."

TESTIMONY

Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone.

"It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case opened with my witnesses around me. Then Jones bustled in. He stopped abruptly, and looked my witnesses over carefully. Presently he turned to me.

"'Paul,' he asked, 'are those your witnesses?'

"'They are,' I replied.

"'Then you win,' he exclaimed. 'I've had them witnesses twice myself.'"

* * *

The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine:

"Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"

* * *

In one of the most desolate areas of Montana, a claim was taken by a man from Iowa. The nearest neighbor, from twenty miles away, visited the homesteader's shack, and introduced himself.

"Where did you come from?" the visitor inquired presently, and when he had been told:

"I can't understand why anybody should want to get out of that civilized country to come and live in this lonesomeness."

"Fact was," the man from Iowa explained somberly, "I didn't exactly like it down there any more. You see, it was this way. They got to telling things about me. Why, they even said I was a liar and hoss thief, and no better than I ought to be. And, by Jemima, I jest pulled out and went right away from them scandalous folks."

"Well, I swan!" the visitor exclaimed indignantly. "You can bet I wouldn't leave a place for any reason like that. I'd make them prove what they said."

The homesteader sighed dismally as he answered:

"That's jest the trouble--they did prove it!"

THREAT

The mother, who was a believer in strict discipline, sternly addressed her little daughter, who sat wofully shrinking in the dentist's chair as the ogre approached forceps in hand:

"Now, Letty, if you cry, I'll never take you to the dentist's again."

THRIFT

A Scotchman was questioned by a friend:

"Mac, I hear ye have fallen in love wi' bonny Kate McAllister."

"Weel, Sanders," Mac replied, "I was near--veera near--doin' it, but the bit lassy had nae siller, so I said to meaself, 'Mac, be a mon.' And I was a mon, and noo I jist pass her by."

* * *

The thrifty housewife regarded her dying husband with stern disapproval as he moaned and tossed restlessly from side to side.

"William Henry," she rebuked him, "you jest needn't kick and squirm so, and wear them best sheets all out, even if you be a-dyin'."

TIME FLIES

The ardent lover heard the clock strike the hours--first nine, then ten, then eleven. At the sound of twelve strokes, he burst forth passionately:

"How fleet are the hours in your presence, my beloved!"

"Don't be silly!" the girl chided. "That's pa setting the clock."

TIT FOR TAT

The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer.

"Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?"

"I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."

TOBACCO

The native pointed with pride to two doddering ancients hobbling painfully down the village street, and informed the stranger:

"Them fellers is the Dusenbury twins--ninety-eight year old!" The visitor was duly impressed, and asked to what the pair of venerable citizens attributed their long life.

"It's kind o' which and t' other," the native confessed. "Obadiah declares its all along o' his chewin' an' smokin' an' snuffin' day in an' day out, fer nigh onto a hundred year; an' Ebenezer declares he has his health becase he never touched the filthy weed."

TOILETTE DETAILS

The little girl who had observed certain details in the toilette preparations of her elders, was observed by her mother at work over her most elaborate doll in a somewhat strange manner.

"Whatever are you trying to do with your doll, Mary?" the mother asked.

"I'm just going to put her to bed, mummy," the child replied seriously. "I've taken off her hair, but I can't get her teeth out."

TONGUE

An old lady in the London parish of the famous Doctor Gill made a nuisance of herself by constant interference in the affairs of others. As a gossip she was notorious. It appeared to her that the neckbands worn by the Doctor were longer than was fitting. She therefore took occasion to visit the clergyman, and harangued him at length on the sinfulness of pride. Then she exhibited a pair of scissors, and suggested that she should cut down the offending neckbands to a size fitting her ideas of propriety. The Doctor listened patiently to her exhortation, and at the end offered her the neckbands on which to work her will. She triumphantly trimmed them to her taste, and returned the shorn remnants to the minister.

"And now," said the Doctor, "you must do me a good turn also."

"That I will, Doctor," the woman declared heartily. "What can it be?"

"Well," the clergyman explained, "you have something about you which is a deal too long and which causes me and many others such trouble, that I should like to see it shorter."

"Indeed, dear Doctor, I shall not hesitate to gratify you. What is it? See, here are the scissors! Use them as you please."

"Come, then," said the Doctor, "good sister, put out your tongue."

TREACHERY

The Italian workman in the West was warned to look out for rattlesnakes. He was assured, however, that a snake would never strike until after sounding the rattles. One day, while seated on a log, eating his lunch, the Italian saw a rattlesnake coiled ready to strike. He lifted his legs carefully, with the intention of darting away on the other side of the log the moment the rattles should sound their warning. But just as his feet cleared the top of the log, the snake struck out and its fangs were buried in the wood only the fraction of an inch below the Italian's trousers. The frightened man fled madly, but he took breath to shriek over his shoulder:

"Son of a gun! Why you no ringa da bell?"

TREASURE TROVE

An old negro, who had almost attained the century mark, nearly blind, almost completely disabled, without friends, relations, or money, felt himself about to die, and stealthily made his way into a farmer's barn, where he burrowed into the haymow. But the farmer had observed the man's entrance, and after getting his shotgun, he hurried to the barn.

"I got you!" he cried savagely. "Dog gone you! I got you!"

The moribund derelict thrust his black face from the mow, and showed his toothless gums in a grin, as he answered:

"An' a great git you got!"

TRIAL

The colored man was before the court, accused of horse-stealing. The prosecuting attorney read the indictment sternly, and then asked:

"Are you guilty, or not guilty?"

The prisoner wriggled perplexedly, and then grinned propitiatingly as he said:

"Now, suh, boss, ain't dat perzakly de ting we'se done gwine diskiver in dis-yere trial?"

TRIPLETS

When the domestic event was due, the prospective father, being ordered out of the house, celebrated the occasion with many friends in a number of saloons. He celebrated so well that the clock was striking three in the morning when he entered the house. A nurse hurried to him, and undid some wrappings that revealed three tiny faces. The father stared reproachfully at the clock in the hall, and then, again regarding his group of children, spoke earnestly:

"Oi'm not superstitious, but Oi thank hivin Oi didn't come home at twelve!"

TRUTH-TELLERS

The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caught in a fib:

_Mother:_ "It is very naughty to tell untruths, Kitty. Those who do so, never go to heaven."

_Kitty:_ "Don't you ever tell an untruth, Mummy?"

_Mother:_ "No, dear--never."

_Kitty:_ "Well, you'll be fearfully lonely, won't you, with only George Washington?"

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR

The woman lecturing on dress reform was greatly shocked when she read the report as published in the local paper. The writer had been innocent enough, for his concluding sentence was:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable."

But the merry compositor inserted a period, which was left undisturbed by the proofreader, so that the published statement ran:

"The lady lecturer on dress wore nothing. That was remarkable."

* * *

The poet, in a fine frenzy, dashed off a line that was really superb:

"See the pale martyr in his sheet of fire."

The devilish compositor so tangled the words that, when the poem was published, this line read:

"See the pale martyr with his shirt on fire."

* * *

The critic, in his review of the burlesque, wrote:

"The ladies of Prince Charming's household troops filled their parts to perfection."

The compositor, in his haste, read an _n_ for the _r_ in the word _parts_, and the sentence, thus changed, radically in its significance, duly appeared in the morning paper.

VALUES

An American girl who married a Bavarian baron enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful among the tenants on her husband's estate. On the death of the wife of one of the cottagers, she called to condole with the bereaved widower. She uttered her formal expressions of sympathy with him in his grief over the loss of his wife, and she was then much disconcerted by his terse optimistic comment:

"But it's a good thing, your ladyship, that it wasn't the cow."

Wives are to be had for the asking; cows are not.

VANITY

The fair penitent explained to the confessor how greatly she was grieved by an accusing conscience. She bewailed the fact that she was sadly given over to personal vanity. She added that on this very morning she had gazed into her mirror and had yielded to the temptation of thinking herself beautiful.

"Is that all, my daughter?" the priest demanded.

"Then, my daughter," the confessor bade her, "go in peace, for to be mistaken is not to sin."

VICTORY

That celebrated statue, the Winged Victory, has suffered during the centuries to the extent of losing its head and other less vital parts. When the Irish tourist was confronted by this battered figure in the museum, and his guide had explained that this was the famous statue of victory, he surveyed the marble form with keen interest.

"Victory, is ut?" he said, "Thin, begorra, Oi'd loike to see the other fellow."

WAR

A report has come from Mexico concerning the doings of three revolutionary soldiers who visited a ranch, which was the property of an American spinster and her two nieces. The girls are pretty and charming, but the aunt is somewhat elderly and much faded, though evidently of a dauntless spirit. The three soldiers looked over the property and the three women, and then declared that they were tired of fighting, and had decided to marry the women and make their home on the ranch.

The two girls were greatly distressed and terrified, but even in their misery they were unselfish.

"We are but two helpless women," they said in effect, "and if we must, we bow to our cruel fate. But please--oh, please--spare our dear auntie. Do not marry her."

At this point, their old-maid relation spoke up for herself:

"Now, now, you girls--you mind your own business. War is war."

* * *