Part 16
"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac. "Four dollars or nothing."
"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.
"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.
"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really worth."
* * *
NOT IN THE BUSINESS
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?"
"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."
* * *
HER VIEWS
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!"
* * *
Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common."
* * *
A GOOD MATCH
_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"
_Assistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat."
* * *
LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM
_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"
* * *
_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!
_She:_ Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.
_He:_ How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!
* * *
A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel.
"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."
* * *
_Pompous Publisher_ (_to aspiring novice in literature_): I have been reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I think--ahem!--very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.
_Youthful Authoress_ (_wishing to show herself most ready to accept advice_): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?
* * *
FISHY RECORD
_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!"
_Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars."
* * *
A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.
"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"
* * *
"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."
* * *
_Lady:_ Well, what do you want?
_Tramp:_ Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the front----
_Lady_ (_with interest_): Really----
_Tramp:_ Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round to the back.
* * *
"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a consultation."
"Of doctors?"
"Of dressmakers."
* * *
"You discharged your office boy?"
"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."
"I guess you've seen the last of him."
"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."
* * *
"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it--such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."
* * *
PERFECT AGREEMENT
_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"
_Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."
* * *
_She:_ Jack is in love with you.
_Her:_ Nonsense!
_She:_ That's what I said when I heard it.
_Her:_ How dared you!
* * *
_Professor_ (_endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic_): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?
_Senior:_ A professor!
* * *
A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:
"What's the name of this wheel?"
"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.
He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:
"Can you recommend the Belva?"
* * *
"What this country needs is more production."
"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
* * *
BOTTLED COURAGE
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."
* * *
"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
* * *
IT WORKED
A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.
"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:
"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"
"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.
"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the scarlet fever, I think."
"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."
He turned to obey.
"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the bread, said humbly:
"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"
"Get out of my shop."
He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him.
"Well, Bill?" he said.
"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."
* * *
FILM FEVER
_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"
_Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."
* * *
THE DRUGGIST'S TURN
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"
"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"
"Yes, but what--"
"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a prescription filled."
* * *
WRONG BROTHER
A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:
"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
* * *
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
* * *
_Doctor:_ "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business--what, you haven't taken any of it?"
_Patient:_ "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"
* * *
"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."
"All right."
"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it--you will get $500."
* * *
_Prospective Employer:_ I suppose you have some experience of live stock?
_Applicant for Post:_ Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.
* * *
A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.
"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
* * *
_Mr. Graham:_ "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"
_Miss F.:_ "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"
_Mr. Graham:_ "Stag-nation, of course!"
* * *
GUILTY
_Sister:_ "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."
_Brother:_ "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
_Sister:_ "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't know what to confess."
* * *
"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
* * *
"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
* * *
_Second-story Worker:_ "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"
_Burglar:_ "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
* * *
The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
* * *
He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the affirmative answer late at night.
"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the night rates."
* * *
TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
_Wifey:_ "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
_Hubby:_ "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!"
"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"
* * *
BAD BOTH WAYS
_Dobb:_ "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
_Botham:_ "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
"And did you post it?"
"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
* * *
HIS LITTLE MISTAKE
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the village butcher's.
"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave you the other day?"
Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.
"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of confidence, "it ended like they all end."
"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived happy ever after."
* * *
"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."
* * *
TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?"
"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to heaven."
* * *
REDEEMING TRAIT
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"
* * *
OFF
There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:
"Dear Miss Brown,--I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."
* * *
NOT A FATHER
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two kids."
* * *
WEDDING DECLARED OFF
_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?"
_Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."
_John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time."
_Elsie_ (_freezingly_): "Sir!"
* * *
PERHAPS!
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.
"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"
* * *
A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer," replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared it was!"
* * *
In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
* * *
The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us."
* * *
NO DOUBT
"Lend me ten, Tom."
"I think not."
"You won't?"
"I won't."
"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"
"I haven't."
"Well, why won't you, then?"
"Because I have no doubt of your character."
* * *
_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?
_Recruit:_ I yell.
_Officer:_ Yell what?
_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
* * *
_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here.
_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.
* * *
_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how to pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?
_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct pronunciation is "glass."
* * *
Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day."
* * *
The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."
* * *
A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place:
"You've stolen no chickens?"
"No, sah."
"Have you stolen any geese?"
"No, sah."
"Any turkeys?"
"No, sah."
The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd said ducks you'd 'a' had me."
* * *
A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort of thing?"
* * *
THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
"I can read my husband like a book."
"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
* * *
"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."
"What did she say?"
"Will that be all?"
* * *
NO KICK COMING
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.
_Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?
* * *
NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:
"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in the world."
"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.
"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."
* * *
TOO TRUE
_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.
_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.
* * *
CONSERVATIVE
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.
A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes," he insisted.
"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season."
"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"
* * *
HE HAD HEARD OF THEM
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"
"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Washington."
* * *
_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"
_Benny the Bum:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun' me."
* * *
WHAT DID HE MEAN?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:
"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
* * *
TRUE TO LIFE
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.
"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?"
"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"
"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."
"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."
* * *
WHAT HE PREFERRED
"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!"
"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
"A spade."