Part 2

"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."

Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize in our jesting like the Turk, but are likely to veil the maxim under the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus, the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said musingly:

"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"

And in the moralizing vein, this:

The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer--a request that God would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God, please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious resignation, she added:

"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."

At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such an extent that he wanted to eat her--later, he was sorry that he hadn't.

Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant brightly:

"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"

"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.

"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'

"No, mum."

"Is it the going down?"

"No, mum."

"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"

"It's the questions, mum."

And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.

"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."

Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well, could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a British subject, and an habitual drunkard.

The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque. It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The American tourist brags of his own:

"Talk of Vesuve--huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the hogs thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.

Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:

"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."

Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.

"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.

"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"

"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.

The conductor shook his head emphatically.

"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."

"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."

In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a ladder to shave himself--and down cellar to put his boots on.

We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by their power to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame for the narrator.

For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order. The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments. History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered available for any one by this book.

STORIES.

JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ABSENTMINDEDNESS

The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.

That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:

"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"

* * *

The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone of deep regret:

"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."

* * *

The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The girl looked at him inquiringly:

"Um--ah--is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.

"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."

The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man sat down on the steps to wait for himself.

* * *

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

"I beg your pardon, madam."

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.

"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.

* * *

The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.

ACQUAINTANCE

The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the carryall would hold.

"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel aquaint."

ACTORS

The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.

"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing anywhere from two to four pounds."

ADVERTISING

The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.

"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the editor asked.

"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."

In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in an obscure corner. It read:

"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"

The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, and this was:

"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."

Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.

AFFECTION

There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his cheeks, interrupted loudly:

"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"

AGE

The woman confessed to her crony:

"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."

ALIBI

The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried:

"John Henry, are you out there?"

An answer came clearly:

"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"

AMNESTY

The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown.

"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow."

"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was a policeman."

ANATOMY

The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his message in these words:

"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"

APPEARANCE

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!"

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.

"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?"

APPEARANCE

The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:

"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:

"With pleasure."

APPETITE

The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:

"Who are you?"

"I am Enoch, the egg king."

"What is your specialty?"

"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting."

"Do you know our program?"

"What is it?"

"We give four shows every day."

"Oh, yes, I understand that."

"And do you think you can do it?"

"I know I can."

"On Saturdays we give six shows."

"All right."

"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."

And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.

"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to sign a contract."

"What?"

"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."

* * *

Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most ponderous senatorial manner:

"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other times, but never less."

* * *

It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:

"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight--that's appetite!"

APPRECIATION

The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked:

"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."

"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.

"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed. "That's Wordsworth, the poet."

The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.

"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for a study in wrinkles."

ARGUMENT

"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg."

"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"

"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."

ART

An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:

"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote."

* * *

The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman which he had seen in an art museum abroad.

"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added, with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! and the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"

* * *

"Tell me, does your husband snore?"

"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."

"What?"

"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only snores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_."

* * *

The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.

"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.

"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy live hogs and----"

His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:

"Don't talk shop."

ATHLETICS

The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present.

"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"

Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.

"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked me."

AUTHORS

A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:

"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."

BABIES

The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.

"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.

"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."

* * *

The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?

"Porpoises," came one eager answer.

But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:

"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"

BAIT

A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of admiration for the prompt rescue.

"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."

The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:

"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."

BALDNESS

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.

"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.

"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.

BAPTISM

On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the font.

"What name?" the clergyman whispered.

The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:

"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!"

The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:

"What name?"

"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.

The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:

"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost."

* * *

The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:

"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."

BAPTISTS

The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist. Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.

"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church, yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest _dip_ an' be done wid it! 'An' so I jined."

BASEBALL

The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It ran thus:

"Rain--no game."

BATTLE

_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?"

_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."

BEARS

The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.

"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you ever hearn tell on!"

* * *

The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.

"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."

The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.

"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had 'em."

BEER

The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows: