Part 17
"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
* * *
During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."
"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."
* * *
The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.
"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
"Been in the trade long?"
"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
"Ever made any mistakes?"
"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
* * *
A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: "I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to----"
"Out with you," interrupted the man.
"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
"I should say not!"
"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"
Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it for a hat."
* * *
The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.
"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
* * *
Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
* * *
BLOOD RELATIONS
_Actor:_ "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
_Fulpurse:_ "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
* * *
There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.
The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it! You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!"
"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood--one in yer cart an' the other under yer blinkin' 'at!"
* * *
SCOTCHED!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."
* * *
THE BRUTE!
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?"
_Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."
* * *
THE WHOLE TRUTH
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"
"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see ye."
* * *
THE CONSUMER INFLAMED
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.
* * *
HOW HE DID IT
_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"
_Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."
* * *
REALITY
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.
"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."
"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."
* * *
PURE CARELESSNESS
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."
"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
* * *
A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"
_Dealer:_ "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"
* * *
SUSPICIOUS
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it."
"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way--I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
* * *
A WONDER!
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
"That so?" asked Smith.
"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
* * *
IN A FIX
_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?"
_Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle."
* * *
SUCKED!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"
"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
* * *
HALF AND HALF
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a woman I would!"
* * *
REVENGE IS SWEET
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."
"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
* * *
NO EFFECT
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."
* * *
A FUTURE FINANCIER
"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"
"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
* * *
A BAD CASE
"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."
"And did he finally remember it?"
"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
* * *
BLACK SUPERSTITION
_Architect:_ "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
_Quickrich:_ "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."
* * *
HALF A DUCK DEEP
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"
"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"
* * *
COULDN'T RESIST IT
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?"
"I have," responded the butcher.
"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"
"It is."
"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"
"I'll do my best, sir."
The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for him.
"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."
* * *
"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.
"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."
"And you foretold that from his hand?"
"Yes, it had four aces in it."
* * *
Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the lad.
"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"
"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."
* * *
"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."
"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me--hic--keep it in th' house."
* * *
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I'm cooking."
* * *
"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.
"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied Tramp No. 2.
"'Fraid on account of the dog?"
"Me trousers are."
"Trousers are what?"
"Frayed on account of the dog."
* * *
A QUESTION OF LOCALITY
"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?"
"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."
* * *
HER SOFT ANSWER
They had had their usual altercation over the breakfast table, and hubby exclaimed:
"What would you do if I were one of those husbands who get up cross in the morning, bang the things about, and kick because the coffee is cold?"
"Why," replied his wife, "I should make it hot for you!"
* * *
HE WAS WRONG
_Prison Visitor:_ "Am I right in presuming that it was your passion for strong drink that brought you here?"
_Prisoner:_ "I don't think you can know this place, guv'nor. It's the last place on earth I'd come to if I was looking for anything to drink."
* * *
OPENING FATHER'S EYES
"Papa," said Little Horatio, "can you explain philosophy to me?"
"Of course I can," answered his proud parent.
"Natural philosophy, my son, is the science of cause and reason. Now, for instance, you see the steam coming out of that kettle, but you don't know why, or for what reason it does so, and----"
"Oh! but I do, papa," chirped little Horatio knowingly. "The reason the steam comes out of the kettle is so that ma can open your letters without you knowing it."
* * *
NICE
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.
"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque."
"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"
"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"
* * *
NOT NEEDED
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?"
_Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?"
* * *
SHE COULD USE HIM
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labour."
"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labour stand."
* * *
DECLINED WITH THANKS
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.
After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.
"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."
"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."
* * *
MANAGING THE MANAGERS
This conversation was overheard in the corridor of the offices of a large firm. Needless to say, the speakers were lady clerks--
"He's given me such a fearful telling-off," said one; "just because I couldn't find him his copy of 'Who's Who.'"
"Pooh! Don't cry, you little silly. You've got to manage him. When you've been here six weeks, like I have, you'll jolly well tell him to buy a copy of 'Where's Which,' and find his old 'Who's Who' himself!"
* * *
A GREAT LIGHT
The skipper was examining an ambitious gob who wanted to be a gunner's mate.
"How much does a six-pound shell weigh?" he asked.
"I don't know," the gob confessed.
"Well, what time does the twelve o'clock train leave?"
"Twelve o'clock."
"All right, then, how much does a six-pound shell weigh?"
"Ah," said the youthful mariner, a great light dawning on him. "Twelve pounds."
* * *
The two flappers at the Strand seemed barely in their 'teens, yet their conversation stamped them as seasoned film fans. They were discussing titles of pictures in general, and the tiny blonde expressed regret that the recent German importations had had their titles changed for American consumption. "If they had only called that picture 'Du Barry' instead of 'Passion,' think what a hit it would have made!"
Her bobbed-hair companion tossed her head and scoffed: "Don't you believe it. There's millions of folks never heard of Du Barry, but every one knows about passion."
* * *
"We will take as our text this morning," announced the absent-minded clergyman, consulting his memorandum, "the sixth and seventh verses of the thirty-first chapter of Proverbs." Never suspecting that his vivacious son and heir had found the memorandum in his study on the previous night, and, knowing that his papa had composed a sermon celebrating the increased severity of dry law enforcement, had diabolically changed the chapter and verse numerals to indicate a very different text, the absent-minded clergyman turned to the place and read aloud these words of Solomon: "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink and forget his past poverty, and remember his misery no more."
* * *
"You don't mean to say it cost you $7000 to have your family tree looked up?"
"No; $2000 to have it looked up and $5000 to have it hushed up."
* * *
_The Aristocrat_ (_returning to school_): My ancestors came over with William the Conqueror.
_The New Girl:_ That's nothing! _My_ father came over in the same boat with Mary Pickford!
* * *
It was Judgment Day, and throngs of people were crowding around the Pearly Gates trying to convince St. Peter that they were entitled to enter Heaven. To the first applicant St. Peter said, "What kind of a car do you own?"
"A Packard," was the reply.
"All right," said St. Peter, "you go over there with the Presbyterians."
The next in line testified that he owned a Buick, and was told to stand over with the Congregationalists. Behind him was the owner of a Dodge, who was ordered to stand with the Baptists. Finally a meek little individual came along.
"What kind of a car do you own?" was the question.
"A Ford," was the answer.
"You just think you own a car. You go over there with the Christian Scientists."
* * *
_The Housewife:_ My goodness! I don't believe you've washed yourself for a year.
_The Hobo:_ Just about that. You see, I only washes before I eats.
* * *
_The Professor:_ A diamond is the hardest known substance, inasmuch as it will cut glass.
_The Cynic:_ Glass! My dear sir, a diamond will even make an impression on a woman's heart.
* * *
_Boss:_ What do you mean by such language? Are you the manager here or am I?
_Jones:_ I know I'm not the manager.
_The Boss:_ Very well, then, if you're not the manager, why do you talk like a blamed idiot?
* * *
"Pa, what's an actor?"
"An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues, a number of bored stage hands, and a lot of theatrical odds and ends, and exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!"'
* * *
"Is she making a rich marriage?"
"I should hope to tell you; he is a butcher who has been arrested three times for profiteering."
* * *
SANDY SCORED
A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like me?"
"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
"I do," said the laird.
"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that the empty yins stand up."
* * *
WITH A RESERVATION
"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is something I want to tell you--something that I----"
"What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her chair, with a bored expression on her face.
The young man drew a long breath, and his face turned to dull purple. "It is a question which is very near to any heart," he said awkwardly. "Could you--do you think you could ever marry a man like me?"
"Oh, yes," replied Belinda, quite calmly, "that is, if he wasn't too much like you!"
* * *
TOO SMART
A Chinaman entered a jeweller's in Liverpool and asked to be shown some "welly good watches." The proprietor, a Jew, being absent, the prospective customer was attended to by his daughter, who got out three watches, marked respectively _L_5, _L_4, and _L_3 10_s._, and laid them in a row on the counter.
The Chink, after looking very closely at them, called the attention of the Jewess to a watch on a shelf behind her; as she turned to obtain the watch he placed the higher-priced watch, in the place of the lower-priced one, and, not caring for the watch now shown him, said: "Me no likee that; I takee cheapee watch," paid _L_3 10_s._, and departed.
Soon the girl discovered the deception, and told her father on his return.
"Never mind, my tear," said he, with a smile; "dose vatches cost all de same brice--two pound; but vat a scoundrel dat Chinaman must be!"
* * *
OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
"Are all flowers popular?" asked the teacher.
"No, ma'am," replied one of the bright little girls.
"What flowers are not popular?"
"Wall-flowers, ma'am."
* * *
NATIVE BORN
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour."
"Your head?"
"Yes, yer honour."
"Why don't you speak the English language?"
"I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life."
* * *
THE JONAH
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches."
"Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good man down."
* * *
THE SUBSTITUTE
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs.
"We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon."
* * *
MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset.
Quoth she to a younger friend:
"Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid."
"That's pretty frank!" exclaimed the friend.
"Yes; wasn't it unladylike of her?"
"It certainly was rude," agreed the other. "Still, it's better than having her tell lies about you."
* * *
GOOD OR BAD TURN?
"Did your late employer give you a testimonial, Jack?"
"Yes, Tom. But the way employers look at it when I apply for a job make one think there's something wrong with it."