Part 14
"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."
* * *
_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."
_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt."
_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_."
* * *
"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"
"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."
* * *
_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"
_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."
* * *
"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"
_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually."
* * *
_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"
_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"
* * *
HIS SPHERE
"His versatility is something extraordinary."
"I had an idea he was rather stupid."
"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."
* * *
_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."
_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."
* * *
A LOVERS' QUARREL
_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"
_Kate:_ "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."
* * *
A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY
_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"
_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."
_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"
* * *
GETTING RECKLESS
_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."
_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"
* * *
"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."
"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."
* * *
RETROACTIVE
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."
"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."
* * *
_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"
_Teacher:_ "No--you're not."
* * *
APOLOGIZING
"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"
"Yes! I am."
"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."
* * *
DENIED THE PRIVILEGE
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"
_The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."
_The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"
* * *
A GOOD PLAN
_She:_ "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"
"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."
* * *
ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN
_First Voter:_ "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"
_Second Voter:_ "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."
* * *
FAMILIARITY, ETC.
"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"
"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."
* * *
REASSURING
_She:_ "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"
_He:_ "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."
* * *
HOW IT HAPPENED
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."
"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."
* * *
A LINGUIST
"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."
"In what way?"
"She can keep silence in four different languages."
* * *
THE DIFFERENCE
_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged."
_He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"
_She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."
* * *
THE ROAD TO----, ETC.
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."
"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."
* * *
CLASSIFIED
_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."
_Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"
* * *
A SOLUTION
_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."
_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"
* * *
ENCOURAGING
_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"
_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast."
* * *
AN ALIAS
_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"
* * *
_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."
_D. H.:_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."
* * *
CHANGING PLACES
"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."
"She has evidently reversed the order of things."
"How so?"
"_She_ does the dictating now."
* * *
ECONOMY
_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."
_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."
* * *
_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a few magazines to help pass away the time."
* * *
_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"
_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"
* * *
_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."
_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."
* * *
QUALIFIED
_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."
* * *
CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE
_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."
_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."
* * *
FROM THE HEART
_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."
_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."
* * *
_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"
_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."
_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak spot have been?"
* * *
AN ARGUMENT
"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."
* * *
THE SECRET
_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."
_The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot."
* * *
WANTS HER RIGHTS
_He:_ "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."
_She:_ "And there is no holding back her salary, either."
* * *
"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"
"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid--not a useful maid."
* * *
GETTING BACK
_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"
* * *
_Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send us our food?"
_Mother:_ "Yes, dear; of course He does."
_Betty:_ "But what a price!"
* * *
DURING VACATION
_The Summer Girl:_ "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."
_The Summer Man:_ "Well--er--could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"
* * *
NOT UNIQUE
_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
_She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."
* * *
A NOBLE AIM
_She:_ "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."
* * *
ONCE TOO OFTEN
"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."
"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"
* * *
"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."
"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."
* * *
CAUSE AND EFFECT
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."
* * *
"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."
* * *
SYMPATHY
_Freddie_ (_aged six_): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"
_His Mother:_ "Yes, dear! What of it?"
_Freddie:_ "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."
* * *
SLIGHTED
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."
"_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a quarrel."
* * *
GOING FURTHER
_Flora:_ "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."
_Dora:_ "Getting even with her won't satisfy _me_. _I'm_ going to get _uneven_ with her."
* * *
GETTING ON
_Old Gentleman:_ "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"
_Small Boy:_ "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."
* * *
LITERALLY
_He:_ "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."
_She:_ "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."
* * *
AN EXTENSIVE LOVE
_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."
_He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."
* * *
CAUSE AND EFFECT
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."
"Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect."
* * *
NO DISSENSION
_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?"
_Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."
* * *
"Why are they not speaking?"
"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."
"Well!"
"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."
* * *
IN KEEPING
"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."
"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."
* * *
HE KNEW
_She:_ "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."
_He:_ "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as _she_ likes."
* * *
ARRANGED TO FIT
_Elsie:_ "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."
_Mother:_ "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."
_Elsie:_ "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."
* * *
PROBABLY
"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"
"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."
* * *
SURE SIGNS
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
"Twins."
* * *
SUCH A WASTE
_Mrs. Bizzy:_ "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
_Casey:_ "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
* * *
TOO ONE-SIDED
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."
"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."
* * *
DISCRETION
_Miss Bizzy:_ "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."
_O'Brien:_ "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."
* * *
BETTER UNSAID
_Cholly Lyttlebrayne:_ "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."
_Miss Thotless:_ "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"
* * *
LETTING HIM KNOW
_Flora:_ "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."
_Dora:_ "What did you say in your last letter?"
_Flora:_ "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."
* * *
WHY, INDEED
_The Husband:_ "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"
_The Wife:_ "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! _I'm_ ready _now_'?"
* * *
_Madge:_ "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"
_Mabel:_ "Not yet--but I have given him my final 'No.'"
* * *
ONLY THEIR WAY
_First Lady_ (_effusively_): "I am _more_ than _charmed_ to see you, my _dear_ Mrs.--er--um--."
_Second Lady_ (_more effusively_): "How _lovely_ of you! So am I _delighted_. I _do_ hope we'll meet again _very_, VERY soon, my _dearest_ Mrs.--um--er--."
* * *
INADVERTENT
_Prospective Bride:_ "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress--a wedding dress costs such a lot."
_Dressmaker:_ "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion."
* * *
MAKING SURE
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."
"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."
* * *
MORE DESPERATE STILL
_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."
_He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."
* * *
SYMPATHY
_The Tabby-Cat:_ "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"
_The Parrot:_ "Wasn't it too bad of them--to go and break the set?"
* * *
POPULAR OPINION
_First Burglar:_ "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"
_Second Burglar:_ "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"
* * *
MORE OPPORTUNITY
_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."
_The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."
* * *
"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."
"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."
* * *
_The Ant:_ "Well, we've struck!"
_The Gnat:_ "What for?"
_The Ant:_ "Longer hours."
* * *
_Effie:_ "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"
_Mr. Mitcham:_ "How did you do that, my dear?"
_Effie:_ "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"
* * *
NOT WHAT SHE MEANT
_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"
_He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled."
* * *
_He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?"
_She:_ "Which?"
* * *
_Jones_ (_who is of an inquiring mind_): "Ain't you getting _tired_ of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"
_Miss Belsize_ (_a professional beauty_): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is _that_ the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"
* * *
_Mrs. Montague Smart_ (_suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago_): "And now let us talk of something else!"
* * *
_Mamma:_ "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"
_Fair Debutante_ (_who has a fine healthy appetite_): "Oh, yes, Mamma--several people!"
* * *
_Guest:_ "Well, good-bye, Old Man!--and you've really got a very nice little place here!"
_Host:_ "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"
* * *
_She:_ "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"
_He:_ "But I don't _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with _you_!"
* * *
"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I--I withdraw my overdraft."
* * *
_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."
* * *
_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_): "What's the matter?"
_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get on."
* * *
_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just now."
* * *
JUSTIFICATION
_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"
* * *
_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."
_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
* * *
_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you like_."
_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."
* * *
_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
* * *
"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
"Of course. Why ask?"
"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
* * *
_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
* * *
_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa! Who is it speaking?'"
* * *
_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"
_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."
* * *
"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"
"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."
* * *
_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid when it twinkled."
* * *
"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
"Yus--if she don't get it."
* * *
_Child:_ "Mother, I _have_ been good to-day--so patient with Nurse."
* * *
The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.
"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."
* * *
_Wife:_ "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself."
_Husband_ (_as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks_): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."
* * *
_Podger_ (_to new acquaintance_): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
_Cooler:_ "I can easily find out by asking her--she is my wife."
* * *
_Young Husband:_ "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."
_The Bride_ (_smiling triumphantly_): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
* * *
_Wife_ (_referring to guest_): "He's a most attractive man; is he married?"
_Husband:_ "I dunno. He's a reserved chap--keeps all his troubles to himself!"
* * *
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be right?"
"No, sir," was the reply.
"And why not?"
"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
* * *
_Salesman:_ "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."
_Sweet Thing_ (_placidly_): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband."
* * *
_The Stage Manager:_ "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
_The New Hand:_ "Wot yer talkin' about--'run up the curtain'--think I'm a bloomin' squirrel?"
* * *
_Old Gentleman_ (_to new gardener_): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"
_The Gardener:_ "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
* * *
"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
"But it's _pouring_! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."
* * *
_Lady_ (_who has purchased a ready-made dress_): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."