Part 13

"How do countries come to go to war?" the little boy inquired, looking up from his book.

"For various reasons," explained the father. "Now, there was Germany and Russia. They went to war because the Russians mobilized."

"Not at all, my dear," the wife interrupted. "It was because the Austrians--"

"Tut, tut, my love!" the husband remonstrated. "Don't you suppose I know?"

"Certainly not--you are all wrong. It was because--"

"Mrs. Perkins, I tell you it was because--"

"Benjamin, you ought to know better, you have boggled--"

"Your opinion, madam, has not been requested in this matter."

"Shut up! I won't have my child mistaught by an ignoramus."

"Don't you dare, you impudent--"

"And don't you dare bristle at me, or I'll--"

"Oh, never mind!" the little boy intervened. "I think I know now how wars begin."

* * *

At our entry into the World War, a popular young man enlisted and before setting forth for camp in his uniform made a round of farewell calls. The girl who first received him made an insistent demand:

"You'll think of me every single minute when you're in those stupid old trenches!"

"Every minute," he agreed solemnly.

"And you'll kiss my picture every night."

"Twice a night," he vowed, with the girl's pretty head on the shoulder of the new uniform coat.

"And you'll write me long, long letters?" she pleaded.

"I'll write every spare minute," he assured her, "and if I haven't any spare minutes, I'll take 'em anyhow."

After a tender interval punctuated with similar ardent promises, he went away from there, and called on another girl. In fact, he called on ten separate and distinct pretty girls, and each of them was tender and sought his promises, which he gave freely and ardently and when it was all done with, he communed with himself somewhat sadly.

"I do hope," he said wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do over there--for I'm going to be awfully busy."

WEATHER

The old colored attendant at the court house had a formula for addressing the judge:

"What's the news this mawnin', Jedge?"

And the judge's habitual reply was to the effect that there was no news in particular.

But one morning, in answer to the usual query, there came a variation:

"Our country has declared war against Spain." The darky scratched his head thoughtfully, then rolled his eyes to squint at the cloudless blue of the sky, and finally remarked in a pleased tone:

"They shohly done picked a fine day fer it."

WHALES

At the time when petroleum began to be used instead of whale oil for burning in lamps, a kindly old lady was deeply perturbed by the change.

"What," she wanted to know, "will the poor whales do now?"

WHISKERS

An elderly man was on his way home by train from a session of three days at a convention of his political party. (This was antedating the era of prohibition.) The man's personal preferences had been gratified in the nominations at the convention, and he had celebrated in a way only too common in the bibulous period of our history. His absorption in other things and of other things had led him to neglect shaving throughout the three days. Now, as he chanced to move his hand over his chin, it encountered the long growth of white bristles, and he was aroused to a realization of his neglect. To determine just how badly he needed a shave, the elderly gentleman opened his handbag, and fumbled in it for a mirror. In his confused condition, he seized on a silver-backed hair-brush of the same set, pulled it forth, and held it up to his face with the bristles toward him. He studied these with great care, groaned and muttered:

"I look worse than I thought for. Whatever will Sarah Ann say!"

WIDOW

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended:

"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out."

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.

"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.

"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."

* * *

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

WIDOWHOOD

During the parade at the last encampment of the G.A.R., a woman in the crowd of spectators made herself not only conspicuous, but rather a nuisance by the way she carried on. She waved a flag with such vigor as to endanger the bystanders and yelled to deafen them. An annoyed man in the crowd after politely requesting her to moderate her enthusiasm, quite without effect, bluntly told her to shut up.

"Shut up yourself!" she retorted in high indignation. "If you had buried two husbands who had served in the war, you would be hurrahing, too."

WIFE

A young skeptic in the congregation once interrupted Billy Sunday with the question:

"Who was Cain's wife?"

The Evangelist answered in all seriousness:

"I honor every seeker after knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of warning for this questioner. Don't risk losing salvation by too much inquiring after other men's wives."

WILD WOMEN

The old sea captain was surrounded at the tea party, to which his wife had dragged him, much against his will, by a group of women pestering him for a story from his adventures. Finally, at the end of his patience, he began.

"Once, I was shipwrecked on the coast of South America, and there I came across a tribe of wild women, who had no tongues."

"Mercy!" exclaimed all the fair listeners with one voice. "But they couldn't talk."

"That," snapped the old sea captain, "was what made them wild."

WISDOM

It's a wise child that goes out of the room to laugh when the old man mashes his thumb.

WOMAN

A cynic, considering the fact that women was the last thing made by God, asserts that the product shows both His experience and His fatigue.

* * *

The following extract is from the diary of a New England woman who lived in the eighteenth century:

"We had roast pork for dinner and the Doctor, who carved, held up a rib on his fork, and said: 'Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.'"

"'Yes,' said sister Patty, 'and it is from very much the same kind of critter'."

* * *

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday School concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took out his brains, and made a woman of them."

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said:

"Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband to the voting place, and there cast your vote along with his?"

The woman shook her head decisively and she answered:

"For goodness sake! If there's one single thing that a man's able to do by himself, let him do it."

* * * * *

The following pages have been selected and edited by "Life's" famous contributor

+ A. C.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

_Oldest Inhabitant:_ "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."

* * *

"That's Betty Grant's new maid."

"She's much smarter than her mistress."

"Well, they can't _both_ afford to dress like that."

* * *

_Father:_ "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"

_Hopeful:_ "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."

* * *

_Betty_ (_after flash of lightning_): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."

* * *

_Employer:_ "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."

_Boy:_ "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."

* * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, how _did_ you break that vase?"

_Maid:_ "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."

* * *

_Little Girl_ (_in foreground_): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom _must_ come to his wedding."

* * *

_Mistress:_ "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."

_Cook:_ "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."

* * *

_Raw Hand_ (_at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights_): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."

_Officer:_ "Well, what is it?"

_R. H.:_ "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."

* * *

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What--do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."

* * *

_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"

_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."

* * *

_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."

_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

* * *

_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"

_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

* * *

_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"

_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."

* * *

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

* * *

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES

_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."

_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"

_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."

* * *

"Does God make lions, Mother?"

"Yes, dear."

"But isn't he frightened to?"

* * *

"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"

* * *

_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me."

* * *

_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on."

_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper."

* * *

_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in my time--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) I haven't had dropsy yet."

* * *

THE SERVANT PROBLEM

_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"

_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"

_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whose service you are engaged?"

_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam."

* * *

_Small Girl:_ "I wonder how old Joan is?"

_Small Boy:_ "I bet she won't see four again."

* * *

_Mother:_ "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"

_Mary_ (_demurely_): "Yes, Mummy."

_Mother:_ "And did you enjoy it?"

_Mary:_ "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (_very demurely_) _I struggled_."

* * *

"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."

"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."

"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."

* * *

_Applicant for Situation:_ "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"

* * *

TROUBLES OF THE NEW-POOR

"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."

* * *

"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"

"Well, usually in a sweater."

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_walking round links with his father_): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."

_Father:_ "Where did you get that from?"

_Small Boy:_ "It's a lost ball, Daddy."

_Father:_ "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_toying with dull blanc-mange_): "Please may I have an ice instead of finishing this--'cos I feel sick?"

* * *

THE NEW APPRECIATION

_Wife_ (_habitue of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?"

* * *

_Lady:_ "I've just been making my side ache over your latest book."

_Author_ (_delighted_): "Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?"

_Lady:_ "Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it."

* * *

_Employer_ (_inspecting a very inflated bill for work_): "Look here--how did you get at this amount?"

_Odd Jobs Man:_ "Well, Sir, didn't know how you'd prefer me to charge it up, so I just charged by time."

_Employer:_ "Oh, really! I thought you must have been charging by eternity."

* * *

_Tourist:_ "Have you any cold meat?"

_Waiter:_ "Well, we have some that's nearly cold, Sir."

* * *

_Lady:_ "If you please, Cook, may we have steak and onions for lunch to-day?"

_Cook:_ "You can have steak, but I'm afraid I can't let you have onions. You see, I'm going out this afternoon, and onions always make my eyes so red."

* * *

_Small Boy_ (_on being told by cousin that she is engaged to be married_): "Oh! (_long pause_) and what did your husband say when he engaged you?"

* * *

_Master:_ "But why do you want to get married, Jones?"

_Butler:_ "Well, Sir, _I don't want my name to die out_."

* * *

_Artist_ (_in desperation_): "That, Sir, I consider the finest in my exhibition. You can have it for half the catalogue price."

_The Visitor:_ "Bless my soul! You don't say so. By the way, what is the price of the catalogue?"

* * *

"Well, Mollie, how do you like your new teacher?"

"I half like her, and I half don't like her. But I think I half don't like her most."

* * *

"Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?"

* * *

_Old Lady_ (_interrogating her chauffeur's small boy_): "Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?"

_Small Boy:_ "Yes, you're the old lady what goes for rides in my daddy's car."

* * *

_Parent:_ "I should like you to have 'good' in your report, and not always 'fair.'"

_Young Hopeful:_ "I daresay you would, Dad. But, you see, I'm an ordinary boy of ordinary parents, and that's an ordinary report."

* * *

_Optimist:_ "Cheer up, old man. Things aren't as bad as they seem."

_Pessimist:_ "No, but they seem so."

* * *

OUR MODERN INFANT

_Genial Uncle:_ "Well, old chap, we've not done anything together for a long time. How about the Zoo next Sunday, eh?"

_Small Boy:_ "Thanks very much. I can't say off-hand, but I'll ring you up."

* * *

_Little Girl_ (_to Bride at wedding reception_): "You don't look nearly as tired as I should have thought."

_Bride:_ "Don't I, dear? But why did you think I should look tired?"

_Little Girl:_ "Well, I heard Mummy say to Dad that you'd been running after Mr. Goldmore for months and months."

* * *

A SUBTLE DISTINCTION

"I say--come and dance. This is a toppin' fox-trot they're playin'."

"Thanks--but I'm only waltzing this evening. We're still in mourning, you know."

* * *

_Specialist_ (_to patient suffering from insomnia_): "And did you try my plan of counting sheep coming through a gate?"

_Patient:_ "Well, I counted up to a hundred and twenty thousand and thirty-nine, and then it was time to get up."

* * *

_Neighbor_ (_bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast_): "You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax."

* * *

_Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of woolen gloves_): "Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy."

* * *

_Lady_ (_to applicant for situation as cook_): "Have you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you?"

_Cook:_ "In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues."

* * *

_Father:_ "Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday."

_Son:_ "Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did."

* * *

_Artist_ (_condescendingly_): "I did this last summer. It really isn't much good."

_Candid Friend:_ "No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?"

* * *

BLUE BLOOD

_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"

_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."

* * *

_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"

* * *

_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married _years_ ago."

* * *

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."

* * *

_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"

_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."

* * *

_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."

_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."

* * *

"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."

"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"

* * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."

* * *

_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

* * *

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."

* * *

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

* * *

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

* * *

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _eclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make the space at the wrong end."

* * *

_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

* * *

THE OBSTACLE

_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

_Fred:_ "What did she say?"

_George:_ "No!"

* * *

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."

* * *

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

* * *

A CHANCE LOST

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said _which_ one."

* * *

_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

* * *

DURING THE QUARREL

_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"

_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

* * *

CONDITIONAL

_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back."

* * *

JUST IGNORANCE

_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about _love_?"

* * *

ALL IN ONE BREATH

_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are _you_ going to buy him?"

* * *

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."

* * *

FEMININITY

_Julia:_ "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

* * *

GETTING EVEN

_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

* * *

A SOOTHING EFFECT

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

* * *

IN THAT CASE

_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty."

* * *

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"