Part 13
Is that so?--That's rather unpleasant, don't you think? At bottom, it matters very little then to have the story all over. In the case of a man who has the disconcerting habit of not finding out certain things until months afterward....
AMADEUS
It is better not to think of such things.
CECILIA
Has she any letters of yours?
AMADEUS (_having thought for a moment_)
Only the one in which I bade her farewell.
CECILIA
That might be enough. Why haven't you demanded it back?
AMADEUS
How could I?
CECILIA
How frivolous you are! Yes, frivolous is just the word. (_Putting her hand on his shoulder_) Now it's possible to talk of a thing like this, Amadeus. Formerly you might have misunderstood such a remark--taking it for jealousy, or something like that.... But, really, I do hope you don't get mixed up in any more affairs of that kind. I don't like to be scared to death all the time on behalf of my best friend. There is nothing in the world I begrudge you--of that you may be sure. But getting killed for the sake of somebody else--that's carrying the joke a little too far!
AMADEUS
I promise you, that you'll no longer have to be scared to death on my behalf.
CECILIA
I hope so. Otherwise I must leave you to take care of yourself.--And seriously speaking, Amadeus, I hope you don't forget that your life has been preserved for more sensible and more important things--that you have a lot more to do in this world.
AMADEUS
Yes, that's what I feel. I don't think I have ever felt it so strongly in all my life. (_Radiantly_) My symphony ...
CECILIA (_eagerly_)
... is done?
AMADEUS
It is, Cecilia. And ... I didn't mean to tell you about it to-day, but it leaves me no peace....
CECILIA
Well, what is it?
AMADEUS
The chorus in the final passage--you know the principal theme of it already--it is led and dominated by a soprano solo. And that solo has been written for you.
CECILIA
My revered Master! How proud your trust in me makes me!
AMADEUS
Don't make fun of it, Cecilia, I beg you. There is nobody in the world who can sing that solo like you.... That solo is yours--and only yours. While writing it, the ring of your voice was in my mind. Next February, as soon as I get back, I shall have the symphony put on, and then you must sing that solo.
CECILIA
Next Feb...? With pleasure, my dear Amadeus--provided I am still here.
AMADEUS
Why?
CECILIA
Oh, you haven't heard everything yet. After the performance last night the Director had a talk with me.
AMADEUS (_disturbed_)
Well?!--There was a hint in the telegram about brilliant conditions.... But, of course, they could only refer to the next season?
CECILIA
If I can break away from here, they want me in Berlin from the beginning of the year.
AMADEUS
But you can't break away!
CECILIA
Oh, if I really want to. The Director does not care to enforce the contract.
AMADEUS
But you don't want to, Cecilia!
CECILIA
That's a matter for careful consideration. I shall be doing a great deal better there.
AMADEUS
Beginning next Fall, I shall--probably be free. You might wait that long, I should think. Then we could make the move together. But....
CECILIA
It doesn't have to be settled to-day, Amadeus. To-morrow we shall have time to discuss the whole matter thoroughly. Really, I am not in a condition to do so to-night.
AMADEUS
You are tired...?
CECILIA
Of course, you must understand that. In fact, I should very much prefer.... (_She looks in direction of the door leading to her own room_)
CHAMBERMAID (_brings in the tea tray and puts it on a small table_)
CECILIA
Oh, that's right!--May I pour you a cup, too?
AMADEUS
If you please.
CECILIA (_pours the tea; to the chambermaid_)
Open one of the windows a little, will you. There's such a lot of cigarette smoke in here.
CHAMBERMAID (_opens the window at the right_)
AMADEUS
Won't it be too cold for you?
CECILIA
Cold? It has turned very warm again.
AMADEUS
And how did last night's performance go otherwise?
CECILIA
Very well. Wedius in particular proved himself inimitable again.
AMADEUS
You have mentioned him several times in your letters.
CECILIA
You know him since your Dresden period, don't you?
AMADEUS
Yes. He has great gifts.
CECILIA
He thinks a great deal of you, too.
AMADEUS
I'm pleased to hear it.
CHAMBERMAID (_goes out_)
AMADEUS (_helping himself to the cold meat_)
Can I help you to some?
CECILIA
No, thanks. I have had all I want.
AMADEUS
Yes, you have had your supper already--all of you, or "everybody," as you put it a while ago.
CECILIA (_ingenuously_)
I had my supper with Sigismund.
AMADEUS
Was he in Berlin all the time?
CECILIA
He got there two days after me, as I told you in my letters.
AMADEUS
Of course--you have told me everything. Once he accompanied you to the National Gallery.
CECILIA
He also took me to see the Pergamene marbles.[6]
[6] A large collection of art works and other antiquities, recovered by excavations on the site of the ancient city of Pergamon in Asia Minor, are kept in the Pergamene Museum, Berlin.
AMADEUS (_facetiously_)
You're doing a lot for his general education, I must say.--But I should like to know by what fraud Sigismund got himself into that reception of the Director's.
CECILIA
By what fraud?
AMADEUS
Well, you wrote me that he created a regular sensation with those waltzes of his.
CECILIA
So he did. But he didn't have to use fraud to get in. Being a nephew of the Baroness, there was no reason why he should resort to such methods.
AMADEUS
Oh, yes, I didn't remember that.
CECILIA
And by the way, the Director asked very eagerly about you.
AMADEUS
He thinks a great deal of me....
CECILIA (_with a smile_)
Yes, he really does. The moment your new opera is ready....
AMADEUS
And so on! (_He goes on eating_) It surprises me, however, that he should ask you about me.
CECILIA
Why does that surprise you?
AMADEUS (_as if meaning no offense_)
Well, it rather surprises me that he should connect our respective personalities to that extent. Hasn't Berlin heard yet that we are going to be divorced?
CECILIA
Why ... what does that mean?
AMADEUS (_laughing_)
Rumors to that effect are afloat.
CECILIA
What? Well, I declare!
AMADEUS
Yes, it's incredible what the popular gossip can invent. It's even in the newspapers. His Highness the Prince Sigismund Maradas-Lohsenstein is going to lead you to the altar. The necessary dispensation will be furnished by the Pope. Idiotic--isn't it?
CECILIA
Yes.--But, my dear, you say nothing about what is still more idiotic.
AMADEUS
And what can that be?
CECILIA
That you are on the verge of believing this piece of idiocy.
AMADEUS
I...? How can you.... Oh, no!
CECILIA
You haven't considered, for instance, that I am three years older than he.
AMADEUS (_startled_)
Well, if it's nothing but those three years of difference in....
CECILIA
No, it isn't that. No, indeed! Even if I were younger than he, I should never think of it.
AMADEUS
But if his devotion should prove more deeply rooted than you have supposed so far?
CECILIA
Not even then.
AMADEUS
Why?
CECILIA
Why...? I know that it couldn't last forever anyhow.
AMADEUS
Have you the end in mind already?
CECILIA
I am not saying that I have it in mind.... But I don't doubt it must come, as it always comes.
AMADEUS
And then...?
CECILIA (_shrugs her shoulders_)
AMADEUS
And then?
CECILIA
How could I know, Amadeus? There are prospects of so many kinds.
AMADEUS (_cowering a moment before those words_)
Yes, that's true. Life is full of prospects. Everywhere, wherever you turn, there are temptations and promises--when you have determined to be free, and to take life lightly, as we have done.... That's what you meant, was it not?
CECILIA
Yes, precisely.
AMADEUS
Tell me, Cecilia.... (_He draws closer to her_) There is one thing I should like to know--whether Sigismund has any idea that your mind is harboring such thoughts--which, after all, would appear rather weird to the other party concerned.
CECILIA
Sigismund...? How can you imagine?! Such things you admit only to your friends. (_She gives her hand to him_)
AMADEUS (_in the same friendly manner_)
But if he should notice anything ... although I think it very improbable that he is the kind of man who would.... But let us suppose that he concluded from various signs that some such thoughts were passing through your head--would you deny them, if he asked you?
CECILIA
I believe myself capable of it.
AMADEUS (_with a shrinking_)
Oh.... Let me tell you, Cecilia.... You are having something definite in mind.... Yes, I am sure of it.... It's a question of some definite prospect.
CECILIA (_smiling_)
That might be possible.
AMADEUS
What has happened, Cecilia?
CECILIA
Nothing.
AMADEUS
Then there is danger in the air.
CECILIA
Danger...? What could that mean to us? To him who has no obligations there can be no cause for fear.
AMADEUS (_taking her lightly by the arm_)
Stop playing with words! I can see through the whole thing just the same.--I know! It has been brought home to me by a number of passages in your letters--although they ceased long ago to have the frankness due to our friendship. That new prospect is Wedius!
CECILIA
In what respect did my letters fail to be frank? Didn't I write you immediately after the "Onyegin" performance, that there was something fascinating about his personality?
AMADEUS
So you have said before, of many people. But there was never any such prospect implied in it.
CECILIA
Everything begins to take on new meanings when you are free.
AMADEUS
You are not telling me everything.... What has happened?
CECILIA
Nothing has happened, but (_with sudden decision_) if I had stayed ... who knows....
AMADEUS (_seems to shrink back again; then he walks to and fro; finally he remains standing in the background, near one of the windows_) Poor Sigismund!
CECILIA
Why pity him? He knows nothing about it.
AMADEUS (_resuming his superior tone_)
Is that what draws you to Berlin?
CECILIA
No!... Indeed, no! The spell has been broken ... it seems....
AMADEUS
And yet you talk of going about New Year....
CECILIA (_rising_)
My dear Amadeus, I am really too tired to discuss that matter to-day. Now I shall say good-night to you. It is quite late. (_She holds out her hand to him_)
AMADEUS (_faltering_)
Good-night, Cecilia!... (_He clings to her hand_) You have been gone three weeks. I shall leave early the day after to-morrow--and when _I_ return, you will be gone, I suppose.... There can't be so very much to your friendship, if you won't stay and talk a while with me under such circumstances.
CECILIA
What's the use of being sentimental? Leave-takings are familiar things to us.
AMADEUS
That's true. But nevertheless this will be a new kind of leave-taking, and a new kind of home-coming also.
CECILIA
Well, seeing that it had to turn out this way....
AMADEUS
But neither of us ever imagined that it would turn out this way.
CECILIA
Oh?
AMADEUS
No, Cecilia, we did _not_ imagine it. The remarkable thing has been that we retained our faith in each other in the midst of all doubts, and that, even when away from each other, we used to feel calm and confident far beyond what was safe, I suppose. But it was splendid. Separation itself used to have a sort of charm of its own--_formerly_.
CECILIA
Naturally. It isn't possible to love in that undisturbed fashion except when you are miles apart.
AMADEUS
You may be able to make fun of it to-day, Cecilia, but there will never again be anything like it--neither for you nor for me. You can be sure of that.
CECILIA
I know that as well as you do.--But why should you all at once begin to talk as if, somehow, everything would be over between us two, and as if the best part of our life had been irretrievably lost? That's not the case, after all. It cannot possibly be the case. Both of us know that we remain the same as before--don't we--and that everything else that has happened to us, or may happen to us, can be of no particular importance.... And even if it should become important, we shall always be able to join hands, no matter what chasms open between us.
AMADEUS
You speak very sensibly, as usual.
CECILIA
If you seduce ladies by the dozen, and if gentlemen shoot each other dead for my sake--as they do for the sake of Countess Philine--what has that to do with our friendship?
AMADEUS
That's beyond contradiction. Nevertheless, I hadn't expected--in fact, I think it nothing less than admirable--your ability to adjust yourself to everything--your way of remaining perfectly calm in the midst of any new experiences or expectations.
CECILIA
Calm...? Here I am ... by our fireplace ... taking tea in your company. Here I can and shall always be calm. That's the significance of our whole life in common. Whatever may be my destiny in the world at large will slip off me when I enter here. All the storms are on the outside.
AMADEUS
That's more than you can be sure of, Cecilia. Things might happen that would weigh more heavily on you than you can imagine at this moment.
CECILIA
I shall always have the strength to throw off things according to my will before I come to you. And if that strength should ever fail me, I shall come to the door and no farther.
AMADEUS
Oh, no, you mustn't! That would not be in keeping with our agreement. It is just when life grows heavy that I'll be here to help you bear it.
CECILIA
Who knows whether you will always be ready to do so?
AMADEUS
Always--on my oath! No matter what befall you, whether it be sad or wretched, you can always find refuge and sympathy with me. But with all my heart I wish you may be spared most of those things.
CECILIA
That I be spared...? No, Amadeus, a wish like that I can't accept. Hitherto--I have lived so little hitherto. And I am longing for it. I long for all that's sad and sweet in life, for all that's beautiful and all that's pitiful. I long for storms, for perils--for worse than that, perhaps.
AMADEUS
No, Cecilia, that's nothing but imagination!
CECILIA
Oh, no!
AMADEUS
Certainly, Cecilia. You don't know very much as yet, and you imagine many things simpler and cleaner than they are. But there are things you couldn't stand, and others of which you are not capable.--I know you, Cecilia.
CECILIA
You know me?--You know only what I have been to you--what I have been as your beloved and your wife. And as you used to mean the whole world to me--as all my longing, all my tenderness, was bounded by you--we could never guess in those days what might prove my destiny when the real world was thrown open to me.--Even to-day, Amadeus, I am no longer the same as before.... Or perhaps I have always been the same as I am now, but didn't know it merely. And something has fallen away, that used to cover me up in the past.... Yes, that's it: for now I can feel all those desires that used to pass me by as if deflected by a cuirass of insensibility.... Now I can feel how they touch my body and my soul, filling me with qualms and passions. The earth seems full of adventure. The sky seems radiant with flames. And it is as if I could see myself stand waiting with wide-open arms.
AMADEUS (_as if calling to somebody in flight_)
Cecilia!
CECILIA
What is the matter?
AMADEUS
Nothing.... The words you speak cannot estrange me after all that I have learned already. But there is a new ring in your voice that I have never heard until to-day. Nor have I ever seen that light in your eyes until to-day.
CECILIA
That's what you imagine, Amadeus. If that were really the case, then I should feel the same in regard to you. But I can see no difference in you at all. And I can't imagine how you possibly could come to seem different. To other women you may appear a mischiefmaker--or a silly youth--which has probably happened many times: but to me you will always remain the same as ever. And I have a feeling that, in the last instance, nothing can ever happen to the Amadeus I am thinking of.
AMADEUS
If I could only feel the same--in regard to you! But such assurance is not mine. The recklessness and greed with which you make your way into an unknown world are filling me with outright fear on your behalf. The idea that there are people who know as little of you as you of them at this moment, and to whom you are going to belong...
CECILIA
I shall belong to nobody ... now, that I am free ...
AMADEUS
... who are part of your destiny already, as you of theirs ... it seems to me uncanny. And you are no more the Cecilia I used to love--no! You resemble closely one who was very dear to me, and yet you are not at all the same as she. No, you are not the woman that was my wife for years. I could feel it the moment you entered the place.... The connection between the young girl who sank into my arms one evening seven years ago and the woman who has just returned from abroad to dwell for a brief while in this house seems quite mysterious. For seven years I have been living with another woman--with a quiet, kindly woman--with a sort of angel perhaps, who has now disappeared. She who came to-day has a voice that I have never heard, a look that I am foreign to, a beauty that is strange to me--a beauty not surpassing what the other had, except in being more cruel possibly--and yet a beauty that should confer much greater happiness, I think.
CECILIA
Don't look at me like that!... Don't talk to me like that!... That's not the way to talk to a friend! Don't forget I am no more the one I used to be. When you talk to me like that, Amadeus, it is as if here, too, I should be fanned by those cajoling breaths that nowadays so often touch me like caresses--breaths that make life seem incredibly light, and that make you feel ready for so much that formerly would have appeared incomprehensible.
AMADEUS
If you could guess, Cecilia, how your words hurt me and excite me at the same time!
CECILIA (_brusquely_)
You must not talk like that, Amadeus. I don't want it. Be sensible, for my sake as well as your own. Good-night.
AMADEUS
Are you going, Cecilia?
CECILIA
Yes. And bear in mind that we are friends and want to remain such.
AMADEUS
Bear in mind that we have always wanted to be _honest_. And it is not honest--either for you or me--to say that we stand face to face as friends in this moment.... Cecilia--the _one_ thing I can feel at this moment is that you are beautiful ... beautiful as you have never been before!
CECILIA
Amadeus, Amadeus, are you forgetting all that has happened?
AMADEUS
I could forget it--and so could you.
CECILIA
Oh, I remember--I remember! (_She wants to leave_)
AMADEUS
Stay, Cecilia, stay! The day after to-morrow I shall be gone--stay!
CECILIA
Please don't speak to me like that! I am no longer what I used to be--no longer proud, or calm, or good. Who knows how little might be needed to make me the victim of a certain unscrupulous seducer!
AMADEUS
Cecilia!
CECILIA
Have you so many friends to lose? One is all I have.--Good-night. (_She tries to get away_)
AMADEUS (_seizing her by the hand_)
Cecilia, we have long ago bidden each other good-by as man and wife--but we have also made up our minds to take life lightly, to be free, and to lay hold of every happiness that comes within our reach. Should we be mad enough, or cowardly enough, to shrink from the highest happiness ever offered us...?
CECILIA
And what would it lead to ... my friend?
AMADEUS
Don't call me that! I love you and I hate you, but in this moment I am not your friend. What you have been to me--wife, comrade ... what do I care! To-day I want to be--your lover!
CECILIA
You mustn't...! You can't ... no....
AMADEUS
Not your lover then ... but what is both worse and better ... the man who takes you away from another one--the one with whom you are betraying someone else--the one who means to you both bliss and sin at once!
CECILIA
Let me loose, Amadeus.
AMADEUS
No more beautiful adventure will ever blossom by the wayside for either one of us, Cecilia, as long as we may live!
CECILIA
And none more dangerous, Amadeus!
AMADEUS
Wasn't that what you were longing for...?
CECILIA
Good-night, Amadeus.
AMADEUS
Cecilia! (_He holds her fast and draws her closer to himself_)
CURTAIN
THE THIRD ACT
_The same room. It is the morning of the following day. The stage is empty at first. Then Amadeus enters from his room at the left. He wears a dressing-gown, but is otherwise fully dressed. He passes slowly and pensively across the room to the writing desk, from which he picks up the waiting pile of letters. Then he puts the letters down again. He feels chilly, looks around, notices that a window is open, and goes to close it. Then he stands listening for a while at the door to Cecilia's room. Finally he returns to the writing desk and begins to pull out manuscripts from its drawers._
AMADEUS
Let's get things in order.... I wonder how this is going to turn out?--I'll write her from some place along my route. I shall never come back here any more.... I couldn't stand it ... no, I couldn't! (_Holding a manuscript in his hand_) The Solo--her Solo! Well, I shall not be present to hear her sing it.
CHAMBERMAID (_entering_)
The men are here to take away the trunk. Here's the check from the expressman.
AMADEUS
All right. Tell them to use the back stairs in taking out the things.
CHAMBERMAID (_goes out_)
AMADEUS