Part 10
PAUL. Then it’s your duty to stop the match. Your duty to your client, to your neighbour, and yourself. And Patrick Deegan will make it worth your while both now and now-after.
PATRICK. Paul, I know you’re a smart man, but I can’t see what you’re driving at.
PAUL. No, God help you altogether, you’re a dull lot. Why, James Deegan, in his present state of coma, will sign one paper as fast as another--if his hand is properly held--and I suggest, Mr. O’Hagan, that we assign the farm to Dan and the pub. to Patrick.
PATRICK [_grabs PAUL’S hand_]. My life on you, ould Dublin!
MRS. DEEGAN. Yes, Paul Twyning has a head on him. He’s not all splutter and nonsense.
PAUL. Now, Mr. O’Hagan, what do you say to it? Deegan brothers will give you ten pounds apiece.
MRS. DEEGAN. Patrick will give twenty and Dan thirty.
PAUL. Fifty pounds, Mr. O’Hagan. No lawyer since the Stone Age ever refused fifty pounds.
O’HAGAN. Then I’ll be first to gain the distinction. I disapprove of James Deegan’s plans, but that’s his own affair. I won’t sell my old client in his sleep.
DEEGAN [_yawns_]. Thank you, Mr. O’Hagan. You’re your father’s son.
PAUL. We were only trying to tempt him, Mr. Deegan, but he’s incorruptible.... God works wonders now and then. Here stands a lawyer an honest man.
DEEGAN [_rubs his eyes_]. I suppose you want my signature, Mr. O’Hagan?
O’HAGAN. Yes, sir. This is ready. [_Takes out his fountain-pen._]
DEEGAN. I’ll sign in one moment. [_Rises unsteadily and wakes DAISY._] Wake up! This is no place to fall asleep.
DAISY. Yea ... eh? ... what?
DEEGAN. Wake up. We’re going home.
_DAISY sits up and arranges her hat._
_OLD DEEGAN puts on his specs., scans the document, and signs it._
DAISY [_screams_]. Oh, Jimes! Oh, gee! My money and papers--six hundred pounds--all gone! Stolen!
DEEGAN [_scans the faces about him; then to DAISY_]. Your money and papers are not far away. [_Looks hard at PATRICK and MRS. DEEGAN._] Neither is the thief!
_PATRICK staggers against the wall, and MRS. DEEGAN faints on the floor._
PAUL [_loudly_]. Water! water! And brandy for me!
_Curtain_
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ACT III
_Three days later. Time: evening._
_The same Scene as in Act I._
_PAUL TWYNING is mixing mortar on the kitchen floor._
_ROSE M’GOTHIGAN comes in back. She has a small parcel in her hand._
PAUL. Lord bless me, Rose, have you ventured in here again?
ROSE. Aren’t the Deegans all away in the town?
PAUL. But they may be here any minute.
ROSE. My father’s in the town, too, and Daisy Mullan’s visiting my mother. And she’s crying sore about something.... So I just come out.
PAUL. Isn’t that all over now? I didn’t think Daisy had a single tear left in her reservoir. America soon dries up the tears, Rose.
ROSE. Well, she’s crying bitter about something.
PAUL. Let us make a stagger at cause and effect. Wasn’t there a young gentleman, not unlike a bank clerk, called on Daisy this forenoon?
ROSE. Sure it was me seen him first! From the Bank he was.
PAUL. Well, it could happen that his visit has something in common with Daisy’s tears. The young banker called here, and whispered something to ould Deegan, and it must have been something of ghastly importance for ould Deegan turned as white as paper and had to lean his body against the wall. Then he and the young banker druv off to town.
ROSE. Druv off to the bank. My father followed them in to see if he could find out what was wrong.
PAUL. And Dan’s in the town buying his Yankee outfit.
ROSE. Yes, he’s for Philadelphy on Saturday.... [_Holds out parcel_] Give Dan that, Paul, when he comes in.... It’s a muffler....
PAUL. Ach, wait and give the sowl the muffler yourself.... Sure, you’ll see him before he takes the water.
ROSE. I may and I mayn’t. My father and me had a great battle last night, and I’m going to service. Give Dan that, Paul, and tell him Rose wished him luck.
PAUL [_takes parcel_]. Well, well. The coorse of true love never runs smooth, and this is no exception.
ROSE. And good-bye to yourself, Paul.
PAUL [_takes her hand_]. I’m to blame for all this trouble, Rose. I’ve riz a devil that I can’t lay.
ROSE. Oh, don’t say that, Paul.
PAUL. But I meant well, Rose. The first time I limped up to your door you fed me and gimme a welcome change of socks.... And poor Dan gimme a left-foot boot and said his father wanted a plasterer.
ROSE. Dan’s kind.
PAUL. Kind but unstable. I’d no sooner got this job than I commenced plotting a match between yourself and Dan, for match-making is my hobby; but, faith, I soon found that Dan was a shifty hero.
ROSE. He’s afraid of his father.
PAUL. That’s putting it mild enough, God knows. Mortal terror would apply to it.
ROSE [_releases her hand_]. I must be going, Paul.... If my father knew I was in here he’d kill me.
_DAN DEEGAN comes in back. He is wearing a cheap new raincoat, a new hat, and carries a blackthorn and a tin box plastered with gaudy American labels._
PAUL. Ah, sure here is Willy Reilly himself!
DAN. No sconcing now, Paul Twyning! I’m in flames if I’ll stand it! You’re the means of getting me banished.
PAUL. I’ll leave you now, Dan, for you’re in a dangerous mood. [_Gives ROSE parcel._] You can deliver that yourself. [_He goes out back._]
ROSE. Maybe you wouldn’t take this, Dan? It’s a wee present.
DAN. Your fader met me in the town and flew at me like a tager!... Hunted me into Pat’s yard and affronted me ....
ROSE. He’s in a terrible pucker.
DAN. He vows he’ll have my blood afore I put my fut on the boat.
ROSE. I’m going away, Dan ... to service.
DAN. Aye, so he said.... You’ll be well away.... I wish, Rose, you were coming with myself ... across the raging main ... the angry deep.... The emigration agent says I’ll make my fortune in six weeks herding sheep in Philadelphy.... Will you come, Rose--to the land of the setting sun?
ROSE. Not now, Dan. But if you send for me I’ll go.
DAN. That’s settled.... I’ll be as true as the stars above. [_Takes the parcel._]
ROSE. It’s only a muffler.
DAN. The very thing I wanted.... I’ll wear it on deck of the good ship ... and be thinking of yourself, Rose....
_DENIS M’GOTHIGAN’S angry voice is heard in the yard._
ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan! My father!
DAN [_wildly_]. I’m in flames, but he’ll murder us!... In here ... in here!
_They both go into the cupboard._
PAUL [_coming in back_]. I told you they weren’t here, Denis. But you’re that misdoubtful. [_DENIS comes in._] Now search the house....
DENIS. They’re in here. They’re in this house somewhere. [_DENIS has taken drink._] If I get my thumb on Dan I’ll not lave much of him to go to Americky. [_Rushes over and looks into the room._] They’re not in here....
PAUL. Nor they can’t be upstairs, for the stairs are blocked....
DENIS. You’d try to smuggle them out if you could! But you’ll not fool Denis! I’ll stand outby and watch the house--if I stand for a week! [_He goes out back._]
PAUL [_speaks up to the ceiling_]. If you’re up there, for heaven’s sake lie low.... For Denis is out for blood.
_DAISY MULLAN comes in back._
DAISY. Say, Paul Twyning, I’m in a power of trouble, and I gotta talk to someone or bust.
PAUL. Well--talk. It’s more humane than the other. [_Points upstairs._] But don’t talk too loud, for Dan Deegan and Rose are hiding up there from Denis....
DAISY. Denis is waiting outside. He sure looks wild.... But that ain’t my trouble, I don’t mind telling you I’ve got myself in the soup with both feet. [_Glances upwards_] They couldn’t hear me up there, could they?
PAUL. Not if you talk in that key.
DAISY. I don’t know how it is, but I got a hunch that you’re the sort of feller would stick to a gel in trouble....
PAUL. Go easy, now. I’m a plasterer myself.
DAISY. Waal, I ain’t no plasterer. Nor I ain’t joshing, neither. I’m too blamed unhappy right now. I’m waiting every minute to be arrested....
PAUL [_astonished_]. Arrested! Taken into custody? A prisoner? For what, in the name of the whole Twelve Apostles?
DAISY [_breaks down_]. About that bank draft.... It was faked up. I thought it would have to go back to America, and that would gimme time to skip ... but seems it was spotted in London.... [_Sobs._]
PAUL. My sowl, this is a bad onion!
DAISY. It’s frightful.... The bank manager sent for me and old Deegan ... but I was too skeert to go in.... Oh, I dunno whadda do.... [_Sobs loudly._]
PAUL. Now listen to me. Whatever else a lady may do in my presence, she mustn’t dissolve in tears ... for that would render me as soft in the brain as Dan Deegan himself. [_Sits down beside her._] May I call you “Daisy,” just to comfort you?
DAISY. If you like.... Sure you ain’t married?
PAUL. Glory be to God, no. I’ve been the whole seven kinds of galoot, but I’m still single.
DAISY. I don’t want no joshing. I want help.
PAUL. Very well now. If you dry your eyes and promise not to wet them again, I’ll see what can be done. But if you do another weep, I’ll take to my heels, and you’ll never see me again.
DAISY [_pulls herself together_]. Waal, I’ll try to.... But I’m in a power of trouble.... I ain’t a professional crook.
PAUL. That’s obvious ... or you wouldn’t break down over a trifle like this.
DAISY. I was trying to get even with old Deegan, but my plans miscarried and landed me in the wash.... The goldarned old grabber! he was the means of me quitting home at first. He grabbed our bit of land and left us high and dry.
PAUL. So I’ve been told. Then, I suppose, you meant to marry ould Deegan and grab the whole ninety-five acres?
DAISY. No, seh! Not on your life. I wouldn’t marry old Deegan--nor his fool son--not if they owned the landscape.... I just meant to fix up a match and then clear out with all I could rake up.
PAUL. A very meritorious idea.
DAISY. But now the whole thing has gone flop, and I ain’t got a cent to meet that draft.... Old Deegan thinks I got that money, but I ain’t.... True to heaven, Paul Twyning, that money was stolen in Pat Deegan’s saloon. Patrick or his wife, or yon goat of a son, swiped the lot--papers and all.
PAUL. Were the papers valuable?
DAISY. The papers wasn’t worth a cent. I was cook to a retired broker, and fished ’em out of the trash-basket.
PAUL [_laughs_]. Awh, that’s delicious! It’s a great pity the law has power to step in and spoil so fine a joke.
DAISY [_produces a cablegram_]. And I’d this cable cooked up and sent me by a friend.
PAUL [_scanning it and grinning expansively_]. You’re not slow, Daisy! My sowl, there’s not a slow joint in your body. [_Hands back the cablegram._] Keep that cable like the sight of your eye, for ’twill come in useful anon.
DAISY [_starts_]. I hear Deegan’s car.... I hear it coming.... Oh, I can’t stick it.... I’m all nerves. [_Shakes violently._]
PAUL. Listen to me, girl. Stiffen up and cut out them shivers. You’ve every decent card in the pack, and I’ve the Joker. If you play half a game we’ll sweep the board....
DAISY. You think?
PAUL. No, I’m sure. Pay attention to this. Ould Deegan--the great lay lawyer--has made you an assignment of himself and his property. If he dares to go back on the contract, you hold out hard for a thousand pound.
DAISY. But the fake draft--how about it?
PAUL. Tell them it’s a good draft. Tell them you paid your money for it in New York like a decent girl, and if it isn’t in order, the bank is to blame, not you.
DAISY. But I got it in the trash-basket....
PAUL. The broad Atlantic is rowling between you and the trash-basket.... Brazen it out on my lines, and you’ll win your case....
_The car is heard coming into the yard._
DAISY [_looks out back window_]. They’re all here ... Patrick and Mrs. Deegan ... and O’Hagan.... [_Turns in._] Oh, Paul, where can I go?... I can’t stay here....
PAUL. Go into the room, and listen carefully to the drift of our discourse.... I’ll give a professional cough when I want you to come out. [_DAISY goes towards the room._] And I’m saying. If O’Hagan asks you any impertinent questions, refer him to your American solicitors. And if he wants to know the name of your solicitors say Brown and Fitzgerald, Broadway, New York. And if he wants a broker--refer him to Funk and Wignell, Wall Street....
DAISY. I hope he don’t ask no questions.... [_She goes into the room._]
PAUL [_gets busy mixing mortar, and sings_]
“Daisy, Daisy, gimme your answer, do; For I’m half crazy all for the love of you. ’Twon’t be a stylish marriage, For we can’t afford a carriage, But you’ll look nate upon the sate Of a bicycle built for two.”
_OLD DEEGAN, O’HAGAN, PATRICK and MRS. DEEGAN come in._
PATRICK. Here’s the tramp vagabone now.... We’ll get the saddle on the right horse, by Mozes!
DEEGAN. Silence, sir, and let Mr. O’Hagan conduct the proceedings.
_The table is brought to the centre and OLD DEEGAN and O’HAGAN sit down. The others stand._
O’HAGAN [_opens his attaché_]. Twyning, we’ve proof that you stole the money and papers from Miss Mullan’s bag.
PAUL [_leans on the shovel_]. It’s a blessid thing I haven’t a weak heart, Mr. O’Hagan, or I’d fall dead with apoplexy.
O’HAGAN. We’re not here to mince matters. You took the money, and we can prove it.
PAUL. If you can’t prove it, ’twill be a black day for you. But go on. Prove it.
O’HAGAN. Patrick Deegan, what are you prepared to swear?
PATRICK [_excited_]. I can swear Paul Twyning left me in the bar, and went into the snug, where my father and Daisy Mullan was sleeping, and rifled the bag and slipt out the side dure.
PAUL. Was that the reason yourself staggered like a drunk cock and your wife fainted on the flure, when the whillabillo went up that the money was stolen?
O’HAGAN. Patrick has made a clean breast of it. He admits having examined the bag, as a precautionary measure, but found it empty.
DEEGAN. Patrick and his wife are not guilty. The sum was too large for them. Neither of them is honest, but they wouldn’t have the nerve to steal six hundred pounds.
PATRICK [_with uplifted hand_]. May I fall dead if I lie! The bag was empty.
PAUL. Your intention was good, Patrick. Your father may think you’re not bold enough to risk a big sum, but I think your father is mistaken. The man who would put in his hand would take out the goods.
PATRICK. You took the money, Twyning! And I thought you were an honest man--after all them speeches you made.
PAUL. So I was--a paragon of virtue--till I entered your opium-den.
O’HAGAN. This is all beside the point.... You were the only person, Twyning, that actually saw the roll of money. Miss Mullan gave you a pound-note, and put the rest in her bag. Is that right?
PAUL. Perfectly correct. I’d be long sorry to deny receipt of a gift.
O’HAGAN. And you saw the roll of notes in her hand?
PAUL. Thank my God I’m not blind. I saw the rowl distinctly, and it as thick as my arm.
O’HAGAN. And you meant to catch the first train to Dublin, did you not?
PAUL. That was my intention. And that’s where your case falls down. For if I’d annexed yon rowl of money, I’d have hired a special.... Just fancy me coming back to plaster this duck-house at five bob a day, and I a millionaire! Why, ten hours later, I’d be sauntering down Grafton Street, with a cane in one hand and my suède gloves in the other.
DEEGAN. Mr. O’Hagan, you are on the wrong track. I told you all along that Paul Twyning was not the thief. I am convinced that Daisy Mullan has the money and papers concealed....
PAUL. But why on earth should Daisy Mullan rob her own nest?
O’HAGAN [_rising_]. We’ll go across to her own house and ask her....
PAUL. You won’t have to cross the wet fields.... I think Daisy is upstairs....
O’HAGAN. Ah, just what I feared! A conspiracy. [_Sits down._]
DEEGAN [_angrily_]. What is Daisy Mullan doing up my stairs?
PAUL. It’s my opinion she’s choosing wall-paper for the bridal-chamber....
_PAUL coughs conspicuously, and DAISY comes from the room._
DAISY. Quite a crowd here, ain’t the’?
O’HAGAN. What were you doing up my client’s stairs, madam?
DAISY. Up your client’s stairs? Your client ain’t got no stairs. This house is mine, stairs and all. See?
O’HAGAN. You’d better throw off that brazen cloak, and realise where you stand....
DAISY. Say, what’s a-biting of you, dear?
O’HAGAN. Your fake draft is returned--worthless. Do you know what that means?
DAISY. Yaas. It means you folks don’t know nuthin about drafts. My draft was O.K.
O’HAGAN. The local bank holds Mr. Deegan responsible for the money. If you hand us the six hundred pounds we can settle with the bank and avoid further trouble. If you don’t, Mr. Deegan can have you arrested.
DEEGAN. And I will.
DAISY. The money’s somewhere in the Deegan family. I sure ain’t got it. I was drugged and robbed in Patrick Deegan’s awful den. [_Flaring up._] What the all-sparkling hades do I care about the dab of money, compared with the loss of deeds and documents!
O’HAGAN. Why were you carting all those valuable papers around with you? Have you no solicitors?
DAISY. That’s my own business, smart Alick! B’gee, you may hear from my solicitors in a way you won’t like, and soon.
O’HAGAN. The sooner the better. Who are your solicitors?
DAISY. Messrs. Brown and Fitzgerald, Noo York.
O’HAGAN. And your brokers?
DAISY. Funk and Wignell, Wall Street. You cable rightaway and ask if Miss Daisy Mullan, of Lincoln Avenoo, is O.K. or not. I’ll pay the cable.
O’HAGAN. Good. I will. [_Jots down the names._] Any cable address, do you know?
DAISY. They sure have, but my memory ain’t serving.
PAUL. I should say “Fitz” would get the one and “Funk” the other.
O’HAGAN. Thank you. I didn’t ask for your assistance.
PAUL. Oh, don’t mention it. I’m always glad to assist you without asking.
O’HAGAN. Mr. Deegan, I think we ought to cable one of those firms before we proceed further.
DEEGAN. If you think such firms exist by all means cable them.
O’HAGAN [_rising_]. We should have a reply in ten hours....
PAUL. What! A message from New York in ten hours? I’m afraid that’s too quick. [_Coughs at DAISY._]
DAISY. Nonsense! Why, I got this cablegram yesterday from Philadelphia in four hours. [_Takes it out._]
O’HAGAN. May I have a look at that, please?
DAISY. Why, sure. Ain’t you never seen a cable? [_Hands it to him._]
O’HAGAN [_surprised_]. Mr. Deegan, this is important.
DEEGAN. What is it?
O’HAGAN. It’s about house property. [_Reads_] “Would lease or buy property on Mount Airy. Cable lowest price. Spalding.” [_Hands back the cable._] Who is Spalding?
DAISY. Why, Rupert G. Spalding--one of my tenants. He wants to buy the whole block and make a departmental store--the second largest in the world.
PAUL [_drily_]. The Yanks are a go-ahead people.
O HAGAN [_perplexed_]. Mr. Deegan, that cablegram puts another complexion on the case. [_Sits down._]
DEEGAN. Who is to settle with the local bank? That’s the main point.
DAISY. Why, dear, ain’t the local bank got you and me both for security? I guess this slight misunderstanding won’t make no difference in our affections, will it?
DEEGAN. It will make all the difference in the world. You have your property on Mount Airy, and I have mine on solid ground. There will be no alliance.
PATRICK. That’s sense, by Mozes!
MRS. DEEGAN. It takes granda.
DAISY. And how about the assignment, granda?
DEEGAN. Mr. O’Hagan will answer that question.
O’HAGAN. Without marriage the assignment is waste-paper.
DAISY. But who huffs at the wedding? Not me.
O’HAGAN. My client has changed his mind.
PAUL [_loudly_]. Then, bedam, if he has changed his mind he’ll pay for it. Your client promised on his two knees to wed her, and if he goes back on that promise he must take the consequences. [_To DAISY_] I’m going to see fair play, stranger. I saw your fiancé at your feet and heard you accepting him. If there is justice left on earth I’m going to see you get a share of it.... Go now and get your hat and vanity-bag, and we’ll settle with the bank and then see a lawyer....
DAISY. Settle with the bank, did you say?
PAUL. Certainly. Settle with the bank. That cablegram in your pocket is good for a million. And your breach of promise case is good for a cowld thousand.
DAISY. Paul Twyning, that’s my plan in a capsule. If you back me up in it I’ll make granda Deegan and his ten-cent lawyer sit up and howl.
PAUL. Back you up, is it? Paul Twyning has spoken. That is enough.... Go now and get ready for the bank, and hire your cousin Darby to drive us in state.
DAISY [_animated_]. I sure will.... Why, I’d depend my life on Paul Twyning right now.
PAUL. Bring your vanity-bag and all papers.
DAISY. Sure thing. [_Hurries out._]
PAUL [_despondently_]. Well, I’ve been called the proudest man in all Dublin, but I’m going now to be the meanest clod in all Ireland. I won’t waste words. Daisy Mullan is a retired cook, and an adventuress.
_Uproar._
DEEGAN. Silence! Go on, Paul. You astonish me.
PAUL. She has that six hundred pounds safe and sound, but not another brown penny in the world.
DEEGAN [_in triumph_]. O’Hagan, was I right or wrong?
O’HAGAN. Right, right.... Wonderful ... man.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, how did you discover this, my friend?
PAUL. I was talking to her for a quarter of an hour before you come in, and I sent her upstairs lest she give us the slip altogether....
_DAN DEEGAN jumps out of the cupboard._
DAN. I’m in flames, but Paul Twyning’s a just man! I was hid in there the whole time him and Daisy was talking, and heard every word they said. She told him she was cook for a retired broker and got all her property--draft and all--in the trash-basket.
PAUL [_piously_]. See that, now! It always pays to do the straight thing.... Who ever’d have thought of Dan being in there all the time!
DEEGAN. Come forward, Daniel.
DAN. Yes, fader.
DEEGAN. Swear to the truth of that statement with uplifted hand.
DAN [_with hand up_]. Afore you and God, fader, I’m telling the truth, amen.... She said you grabbed her people’s bit of land, and she come back to get revenge.
O’HAGAN. That’s the solution now.... She’d the cablegram and all cooked for the purpose.... Paul Twyning, I’m ashamed to look in your honest face.... I hope you can forgive us all.
PAUL. To err is human; to forgive, divine. I freely forgive you all.