Part 9
JIM. Och, my dear granda! [_Hugs him._] My own dear granda that I’m called for. Amn’t I, granda?
DEEGAN [_gives him a penny_]. There’s a penny for yourself. Go and buy liquorice-ball.
JIM. Ah, thanks, granda. It takes yourself. [_Tries to kiss him._] You’ll lay me more than a penny some day. Won’t you, granda?
DEEGAN. We’ll see. Go now and buy liquorice-ball. You’re getting too old for this baby-talk.
JIM. It’s because I love my granda.... [_Goes out with hanging lip._]
MRS. DEEGAN. You oughtn’t to cut him, granda. He’s that doted on you.
DEEGAN. He’s like all the rest, he’s doted on my last will and testament.
MRS. DEEGAN. May God forgive you, James Deegan, for thinking such a thing, let alone say it!
DEEGAN [_shrugs_]. We won’t discuss it further.... Have you seen Daniel?
MRS. DEEGAN. He’s about the house somewhere.
DEEGAN. I suppose he has emptied his stomach?
MRS. DEEGAN. Och, he was talking as usual, but I was busy and paid no attention. Poor Dan has always a long story about the cruel way you treat him.
DEEGAN. You are a wise woman--and a rare woman--to pay no attention to stories.... Send Daniel to me. He’s in the kitchen.
MRS. DEEGAN. Och, granda, won’t you take a wee taste of something after the drive?
DEEGAN. Not at present. I have important legal business to transact to-day, and I always make it a rule to keep the mind clear for business.... Tell Daniel to come forth.
MRS. DEEGAN. You were always a great business man, granda. I wish your sons had taken after you.
DEEGAN. My sons were graceless and without understanding. Send Daniel to me.
_MRS. DEEGAN goes to the kitchen, and PATRICK comes in._
PATRICK. Heth, that mare’s in big fettle, father. But she needs a wee bit off her mane and tail.
DEEGAN. Her mane and tail will do me very well. But what about yourself? You’ve had another big spill since I was here.
PATRICK [_lamely_]. It was the fair day, and I got a wee taste too much. But I’ve tane the pledge for life, and means to keep it....
DEEGAN. Silence, sir! How dare you stand there and tell me you have the pledge for life! Couldn’t I smell your breath the moment I entered the yard?...
PATRICK. Aye, so you’re right. I tane a wee thim’leful this morning....
DEEGAN. Patrick Deegan, beware! I may have to answer at the Bar of Judgment for putting you in a public-house. Take this from me as final. One other burst and I’ll put this licensed property to the hammer.
PATRICK. I could curse the day you ever put me in it.
DEEGAN. And I have been cursing the day ever since.
PATRICK. If you’d gimme the property at first and let me run it my own way, I’d be a different man the day.
DEEGAN. A different man indeed! You’d be in the graveyard or the madhouse many a year ago. [_Stands up._] But since you’ve raised the question, I’ll settle it now, once for all. Then you’ll know where you stand.
PATRICK. That’s all I want to know.
DEEGAN. Your name will never be in the deed of this property.... You know now.
PATRICK. Say that again!
DEEGAN. If I don’t sell the house, I’ll leave it to your crafty wife, and she in turn will leave it to her crafty son. There now. That’s your settlement. [_Sits._]
PATRICK [_foaming_]. The day you do that I’ll burn it to ashes--I will, by Mozes!
DEEGAN. And welcome. It’s well insured.
PATRICK [_boils over_]. Aye, maybe it is.... Maybe it’s well insured.... I know nothing about that.... I’m only the tenant. But I know this much. You’d better insure yourself. D’ye hear me? Insure yourself ... and your ould Yankee trooper....
_DAISY comes in from the bar, her face flaming._
DAISY. Patrick Deegan, who are you calling names to? Is it me, is it? Am I the old Yankee trooper, am I?
PATRICK. Shut up! or I’ll hinch you as far as I can hinch you out the middle of the street.
_MRS. DEEGAN rushes in._
MRS. DEEGAN. What’s wrong--what’s wrong?
DAISY. James Deegan, am I to be treated in this low-down manner, am I? Is this how you mean to protect me as your wife, is it?
DEEGAN [_stands up_]. Patrick Deegan, you have done a bad day’s work for yourself and for those who come after you....
PATRICK [_wildly_]. Ah, shut up, you! You’re the great man that shook hands with Parnell himself! You’re the great lawyer that addressed the gowned judges in the Four Coorts of Dublin!... And here you are at last--tane up with an ould Yankee ballad-singer, by Mozes! [_MRS. DEEGAN grabs PATRICK and drags him out, he shouting_] Ould Yankee trooper.... Ould ballad-singer.... Ould mazawatty.
_MRS. DEEGAN gets him dragged out to the bar._
DAISY. James dear, these folks don’t want me. That woman hates me like a snake. See the look in her eyes, and she snarls so. [_Sits down._]
DEEGAN. She may snarl, but she can’t bite. Before we leave the town you’ll be her landlady. [_Sits down._]
DAISY. Oh, James, how good you are. [_Looks about her._] And you bet I’ll see they keep this place in order.
_MRS. DEEGAN hurries in with two glasses on a tray._
MRS. DEEGAN. Granda, dear, you know what Patrick is? He’s that hasty. [_To DAISY_] He wouldn’t hurt your feelings for the world, Miss Mullan. [_Laughs drily._] Och, sure, from what I hear, you’ll soon be one of the family.
DAISY. Yaas! and a nice family reception I’m gitting. An old Yankee trooper, no less.
MRS. DEEGAN. Och, who would heed Patrick Deegan?... I wish you both many happy days.... This is just a wee taste to wet the match. A wee special for you, granda, and a port for you, Miss Mullan.
DAISY. I sure want something after that unholy racket. [_To OLD DEEGAN_] Drink that up, dear. It’ll do you good.
_Both drink._
MRS. DEEGAN. I hope you’ll give us the big day soon. [_Picks up the tray._] I’ll leave you now.... Three’s a crowd. [_She goes out smiling._]
DAISY. That’s a cruel, cruel woman, Jimes. Ain’t she, dear?
DEEGAN. A crafty lady.... You had no trouble at the bank?
DAISY. Why, I should say not. The manager, a real nice man, he just glanced at your endorsement and smiled pleasant. [_Opens the vanity-bag._] I got the whole wad right here. [_Shows him the roll of paper money._]
DEEGAN. That’s too much money to carry on your person. You ought to have left it--or part of it--in the bank.
DAISY. Not on your life, dear. My next haul can stay in the bank, but every cent of this is going into our noo home for nice furniture and nifty wall-paper and carpets [_putting the money back in the bag_]. I told you I was going to make you happy and comfortable, and you bet I am.
_JIM rushes in._
JIM. Och, my new grandma! My bonny wee Yankee grandma! [_Tries to hug DAISY._]
DAISY [_pushing him off_]. Who the goldarn are you? [_Stands up._]
JIM. Och, don’t you know me? I’m called for my granda.... Amn’t I, granda? Amn’t I your favourite grandchild?
DAISY. Go on--beat it. We don’t want you here at all. You’re too darned sweet to be wholesome....
JIM. Och, you don’t know me, grandma....
DAISY. Nor I don’t want to. Go on--git! We can spare you. Skidoo. [_Sits down._]
DEEGAN. Where is Uncle Daniel, boy?
JIM. Him and Paul Twyning’s in the kitchen, drinking mulled porter.
DEEGAN. Oh, indeed! Has Paul followed the scent?
DAISY. Ain’t that for you now! And we left him plastering the room!
JIM. Him and Uncle Dan came in the creamery waggon--covered up with empty bags that you couldn’t see them.
DEEGAN. Send both to me.
JIM. Heth, I will. It’s nice to be doing something for my dear granda. [_Dashes off to the kitchen._]
DAISY. Say, that’s a fearfully sloppy kid, ain’t he?
DEEGAN. The mother puts him up to it.
_PAUL staggers in, followed by DAN._
PAUL [_in a tipsy voice_]. Here we are again, as large as life! And anyone that doesn’t like my gait needn’t swing on it.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, what are you doing in the town?
PAUL. I’m waiting for the first train to Dublin. [_Sings_]
“For the ship went down with that fair young bride That sailed from Dooooooooblin Bay.”
DEEGAN. You’re drunk, sir.
PAUL. Not quite, but feeling nicely.... And musically inclined. [_Sings_]
“In a pair of brand-new brogues I rattled o’er the bogs, And frightened all the dogs On the rocky road to Dublin. ... Tearing away, my boys....”
DEEGAN. Silence, sir!
PAUL. Silent, O Moyle, be the roar of thy waters.
DEEGAN. Aren’t you going back to finish the plastering?
PAUL. Most emphatically never. And I’ll tell you why. I don’t want my name appearing in these morbid breach of promises cases, and I won’t have it. [_Takes the spatula from his pocket._] I’ve my tools and all here.... [_Sings_]
“I’m bidding you a long farewell, My Mary kind and true....”
DEEGAN. Be quiet, sir!
PAUL. Well, without setting it to music, I’m quit!
DAN. I’m in flames, but I’m for Dublin too! I can go wi’ Paul and be his attender....
DEEGAN [_stands up_]. What is that you say, boy?
DAN [_cowering_]. Oh, whatever you say yourself, fader.
DEEGAN. Come with me. I’ll let you see the Dublin you’re bound for. [_Walks unsteadily towards the door._]
DAN. The emigration agent!
DAISY. Say, Jimes, ship him Red Star. It’s sure a smart service. I got here in eight days....
DAN. I wish to God, amen, you’d went to the bottom of the sea!
DEEGAN [_returns unsteadily to his chair_]. My head feels somewhat light. [_Sits down._]
DAISY. Same here, Jimes.... [_Her hat tilts to one side._] A sort of dopey feeling....
_PATRICK ushers in MR. O’HAGAN._
PATRICK [_in a surly voice_]. Atturney Hagan to see you.
O’HAGAN. I was just setting out for your place, Mr. Deegan, when I heard you were in town. [_Shakes hands._] How’s the health?
DEEGAN. Very well, thank you. What can I do for you?
O’HAGAN. Haven’t you a son named Daniel?
DEEGAN. Unfortunately I have.
O’HAGAN. Well, seems he has got himself mixed up with Rose M’Gothigan--a daughter of Denis’s.
DAN. It’s a falsehood! I never spoke to the girl in my life.
O’HAGAN. Oh, is this the boy himself? [_Smiles at DAN._] The girl tells a different story, Dan. She and her father are in about law this morning....
DAN. Let them law away.... I’m stainless. Get the prayer-book and swear me....
O’HAGAN [_to OLD DEEGAN_]. Denis M’Gothigan has the ball at his own toe this time, Mr. Deegan. What are we going to do about it?
DEEGAN. Fight it.
DAN. That’s right, fader. Fight it.
O’HAGAN. If you take my advice you’ll give the girl a few pounds and settle it.
DAN. In God’s name do, fader. Settle it. You never know what they might swear.
DEEGAN [_to O’HAGAN_]. This thick-witted boy has nothing.
PAUL. Oh, he has something--he has a guilty conscience. I heard him with my own ears popping the question, and saw him with my own eyes putting the ring on her finger. If that isn’t a clear case for the plaintiff, I’ll eat my spatula.
O’HAGAN. Now, Mr. Deegan, you hear that yourself. You wouldn’t be mad enough to fight a case like that. [_He whispers to PATRICK, who goes out._] We must settle this case, James. We haven’t a leg to stand on.
DAISY [_in a sleepy voice_]. Se’l it, dear ... se’l it. We don’t want no law-suits ... we want peace.
_PATRICK brings in DENIS M’GOTHIGAN and ROSE._
O’HAGAN. Now, Denis, you have no case. But Mr. Deegan doesn’t want to strive with a good neighbour....
DENIS. Ho! Is this the Four Courts?
O’HAGAN. It’s just as well for you it isn’t the Four Courts, or you’d go home broke.
DENIS. Whisht! If we’ve no case, it would be a pity to take up your valuable time. [_Takes ROSE’S hand._] Come on, m’ gerril. The Lord Chancellor O’Hagan says we’ve no case. That ring on your finger and that conversation-lozenger in your pocket is sadly agen us.... [_Leads ROSE towards the door._]
O’HAGAN. Come back, Denis. You’re very quick at running away. It’s my opinion you don’t want a settlement. But you must be saved from yourself.... Dan Deegan has nothing. A man of straw. But his father is ready to consider a settlement....
DENIS [_leading ROSE back_]. That’s better whiskey, Mr. Hagan. That’s a lash better than having no case at all.
O’HAGAN. Now, now, Denis. Don’t be too sarcastic. If we reach a settlement there must be no bitterness after.... Now, Denis, we’re prepared without prejudice to offer your daughter five pounds.
DENIS. Yaha! yaha! Well, damn my picther if that’s not the best joke ever you cracked, Hagan. [_To ROSE_] Come on, gerril. I can buy you a pair of garters without these damages....
O’HAGAN. Then stand and say it yourself, Denis.
DENIS. Well. Without prejudice, three hundert pounds in goold.
O’HAGAN. Ah, bosh! No jury would give you more than a tenner, and then you couldn’t get tenpence from Dan.
DENIS. I could rid the country of him.
DEEGAN. I’ll do that without you. I’m shipping him myself.
DAN [_sobbing_]. I don’t want to crass the seas.... I’m too ould, and I’m no skolard....
DENIS. You’re not too ould to destroy young gerrils!... You and your conversation-lozengers is a danger to the parish.
DAN [_weeping_]. Don’t paint me blacker than I am, Denis. [_Sobs quietly._]
O’HAGAN. This is a very pathetic case. The poor boy doesn’t want to leave the green hills and dales of holy Ireland.
DENIS. He should lave the gerrils alone, well.
O’HAGAN. Ah, for shame, Denis. You were young yourself.... Any white jury would forgive Dan for passing a lozenger to lovely Rose M’Gothigan.... Look at the eye in her head. One glance of it would kill a man like the lightning. [_To ROSE_] I’ll engage you wouldn’t like to see your Willy Reilly banished--would you, now?
ROSE. Indeed no, sir. [_Sniffs._] It’s not me that’s driving him across the seas.
DAN. God bliss you, Rose, amen!
DENIS. Be quiet, gerril! I’ll have noan of this saft nonsense.... I know right well what O’Hagan’s flowery talk amounts to....
PAUL [_rising_]. Let Paul Twyning speak a word.... The solution of this problem is as plain as the nose on your face. Let James Deegan and Denis M’Gothigan give the lovers a modest start in life--sure, the costs of a Dublin law-suit would buy them ten acres and a cow.
DENIS. I’m game. I’m raisonable.
O’HAGAN. Now, Mr. Deegan, what do you say?
DEEGAN. If one penny would buy them a freehold I wouldn’t give it.
PAUL [_hotly_]. No, bedamned to you for a pig-headed, selfish ould slave-driver! You’d sooner put them aboord the emigrant ship.
O’HAGAN. Oh, oh! This is going too far.
DEEGAN. Not at all. Let the vagrant have his say.
PAUL. And the vagrant shall have his say! Ireland, north, south, east, and west, is lowzy with your kind. There was more happiness on the Irish homestead when you were paying the rack-rent and eating the lumpers.
PATRICK. Oh, the holy truth!
PAUL. Since the ould generation of farmers got cheque-books, they never smiled again.
PATRICK. Oh, Mozes, true!
PAUL. The omnipotent God knows what you’ll be like if ever you get Home Rule. I wouldn’t like to be Dan Deegan and vote Labour.
DAN. Devil a vote you’d have if you were me.
PAUL. But I’d like well to be the first Irish Chancellor. Then I’d bring back the smile to the ould Deegan faces. I’d give them just what acres they could till, at a smart rent to the States, and there’d be plenty of land left for the boys.
O’HAGAN. That’s Lalor.
PAUL. And it’s Twyning, too!
DEEGAN. And it’s everybody like you--tramps and paupers.
PAUL. Including your son Dan, who is more destitute and hopeless than any tramp or pauper I’ve met. [_Points at DAN._] Just look at that product of yourself and ninety-five acres of freehold. No more spine in his back than a lizard, and so bulldozed and browbeaten that he’d swear a lie before he’d own the simplest truth.
DAN. It’s the God’s holy truth, amen.
PAUL. Standing there with grey head and shaking limbs, you’d think he’d killed a priest instead of given a conversation-lozenger to Rose M’Gothigan. [_Loudly_] And Dan Deegan is legion. And Ould Deegan is legion. You drive the youth to the four winds, and then bleat and pray and send them shamrocks in exile.... Ah, gimme a drink somebody.
PATRICK [_rising_]. Come on wi’ me, Paul! By Mozes, you’re as powerful as Paul and the Corinthians! [_He lugs PAUL out to the bar._]
DEEGAN. There’s a Labour leader lost in that frothy scoundrel.
O’HAGAN. There is some truth in him, too. So let us profit by it.... Now, Denis, what is the very lowest figure you can accept?
DENIS. Three hundert pound--in goold.
O’HAGAN. Good lord! [_To OLD DEEGAN_] Mr. Deegan, how far are you prepared to go?
DEEGAN. A single penny of mine will never rattle in a M’Gothigan’s pocket.
DENIS. Come on, Rose. We’ll see the Four Courts, after all.
ROSE. Good-bye, Dan.
DAN. Good-bye, Rose, amen.
_DENIS and ROSE go out._
DEEGAN [_to DAN_]. Step you out to the yard, sir. I want to speak with Mr. O’Hagan.
DAN. Yes, fader. [_Goes out._]
DAISY. Jimes, I feel awful sleepy and queerish.... I believe that wine was doped, I do.
DEEGAN. I’m certain of it. My own feet and legs are tingling, but the mind is clear.
_MRS. DEEGAN comes in._
MRS. DEEGAN. You’ll take a cup of tea, granda?
DEEGAN. I want first to know what you put in that drink you gave us?
MRS. DEEGAN. Lord bless us, granda! Such a question to ask me. It was a fresh bottle....
DEEGAN. That will do. I’ve heard drug stories about this house, but now I’m convinced.
DAISY. I’m darned sure you put suthin in my port.... Dope or suthin.... I can’t keep my eyes awake.
MRS. DEEGAN. Ach, you’re beside yourselves, the both of you! [_Goes out to the kitchen._]
DEEGAN. Mr. O’Hagan, this lady, Miss Mullan, and I have arranged to get married. She has considerable property in America, and I want to make her an assignment of these licensed premises and the farm.
O’HAGAN. As from your marriage day?
DEEGAN. Exactly so.
O’HAGAN [_shakes hands with DAISY_]. Congratulations, Miss Mullan.
DAISY. Thank you. I guess I’ll want a good smart lawyer to look after my interests in America.
O’HAGAN. Your husband will be able to direct you to an excellent man. [_To DEEGAN_] You want this matter arranged to-day, Mr. Deegan?
DEEGAN. Immediately. Then the M’Gothigans can proceed with their writs.
O’HAGAN. By Jove, good!... You didn’t attend the Four Courts for nothing.
DAISY. Ain’t he jest a dandy! I’m sure proud of my fiancé.
O’HAGAN. I’ll have the document ready in a few minutes. Will you come across to the office and sign?
DEEGAN. If I’m not there when it’s ready, you can bring it over here.
O’HAGAN. With pleasure. [_Goes out._]
DAISY. Jimes dear, we must coax Paul Twyning to come back and finish the plastering, else our marriage will be held up for weeks.
DEEGAN. I have thought of that. We must get the ruffian back.
_He rings a small bell on the table, and JIM rushes in._
JIM. Och, does my dear grandpa want me? [_Tries to kiss him._] You are not angry at me, granda? sure you’re not?
DAISY. Give him a keek, Jimes! Hully gee, he does make me hot!... Look ahyar, slobber! you get your message and beat it. Go while the going’s good.
JIM. It’s a great sin for you to put in between granda and his favourite grandchild.
DAISY. Here, skip! Else I’ll rise and fetch you one.
DEEGAN. Be off, boy. Tell Paul Twyning to come here.
JIM. My granda ... has turned clean agen me.... [_Goes out sniffing._]
DAISY. Shucks! that kid gives me a bilious attack. I’d love to hitch him to a post and whale the everlasting daylight out of him.
_PAUL staggers in._
PAUL [_with a grand gesture_].
“You know, my friends, with what a brave Carouse I made a Second Marriage in my house; Divorced old barren Reason from my bed, And took the daughter of the Vine to spouse....”
I forget the rest of it at the moment....
DEEGAN. Never mind the rest of it. Are you coming back to finish the plastering?
PAUL. My answer is No.
DAISY. But I say y’are! And I’m going to make it worth your while to.... [_She opens the vanity-bag._]
_OLD DEEGAN leans back and falls asleep._
PAUL. Of course, a request from a young bride-to-be puts a different complexion on it.
DAISY [_takes out the roll of money and hands PAUL a pound-note_]. Thar’s five dollars.
PAUL. With all due respect to the dollars--this is a pound-note.
DAISY. Yaas; that’s five dollars.
PAUL [_bowing_]. The strike is over. Work in all departments will commence to-morrow morning. [_Looking at OLD DEEGAN_] Is your fiancé asleep?
DAISY. I reckon he’s dozing--and I’m jest dying to. [_Yawns._]
PAUL. Well, don’t let me keep you awake. [_Goes to the bar door and stands with the knob in his hand._]
DAISY [_yawning_]. Ah, yah, my ... I could jest ... sleep.... [_Leans back and sleeps._]
PAUL [_goes over and blows gently in their faces_]. Have you crossed the Rubicon? [_No answer._] Do you not hear Cupid himself speaking to you? [_No answer. After a pause, he takes the roll of money and other papers from DAISY’S bag and slips out the side door._]
_MRS. DEEGAN comes in, with tea on a tray._
MRS. DEEGAN. Lord save us! [_Lays down tray._] Wake up and take this cup of tea. [_Pause._] Wake up. [_She glances nervously about the kitchen, then goes through DAISY’S bag and finds it empty. She calls PATRICK from the bar._]
PATRICK [_coming in_]. What’s wrong here?... Did you dose them?
MRS. DEEGAN. Not so loud--you fool!
PATRICK. It would be no harm to see what ould Daisy has in the bag....
MRS. DEEGAN. For shame, man! Would you stoop to such a thing?
PATRICK. I’d stoop to anything this minute.... Take away that tray.
_MRS. DEEGAN goes out with the tray, and PATRICK goes through DAISY’S bag._
Not a rupee, by Mozes!
_O’HAGAN, PAUL and DAN come in from the bar._
O’HAGAN [_document in hand_]. What’s the matter? Are they drunk or sleeping?
PATRICK. They’re both. They killed a whole bottle of spacial whiskey.
_MRS. DEEGAN comes in._
O’HAGAN. I want his signature to this paper.
MRS. DEEGAN. Granda’s not in a fit condition to sign any paper.
PATRICK. Now, Hagan, I know and you know what’s in that paper. You’d lay me out on the street.
_OLD DEEGAN wakes up and sits, listening._
O’HAGAN. I can’t help that, Patrick.
PAUL. Give me room to speak a word.... Mr. O’Hagan, you live straight across the street, and many a bright pound Patrick Deegan has sent your way in the last twenty years. Is that right?
O’HAGAN. Quite right. Many a pound indeed.
PAUL. And many another he could throw your way in the next twenty years. Is that so?
O’HAGAN. Quite true.
PAUL. Now, I make bould to say that you’ve no sympathy with your moribund client marrying on the edge of the grave and robbing his own childer?
O’HAGAN. I certainly don’t think it’s right.